poppysmom
Hello everybody~~I am new here.  After trying to deal with indescribable pain on my own over the very recent loss of my baby, I thought that sharing my feelings with others who are unfortunately going through something similar might help a little.   

I had waited my entire life to get a puppy. And last February, I finally found myself with the most perfect little mini dachshund who I named Poppy.  He was smart, loyal, loving, and so funny. My life had a new meaning when I became his Mom, and I never thought it was possible to have so much joy.

Just 2 days ago, Poppy was with my husband down at his place of business. I had always told him to keep Poppy on a leash and watch him so he doesn't get into any trouble. I trusted him to keep Poppy safe.  Imagine how it felt to get a phone call the same afternoon in which my husband says, "I have some bad news. Poppy's dead."

My husband had gone into his office without checking to see where Poppy was; he admitted that he'd remained inside for a good 10 minutes before going back outside to see what the dog was doing. That's when he saw him laying in the middle of the road; he'd been hit by a car and died instantly (he had severe head trauma). The car didn't even stop.   THEN my husband told me that he'd already buried him!! I had no chance to hold him again, to stroke his little head and tell him how sorry I was that I didn't keep him safe and how much I loved him. Nor did I have any say in what I wanted to do with him; cremation might've been an option or maybe burying him somewhere closer to me than where my husband put him. But those choices were taken from me when my husband took it upon himself to do whatever HE decided.

My little Poppy was only 1 year old.  In the short time that I was blessed enough to have him, he totally changed my life; now that he is gone, I don't know how to be a complete person again because he was such a very big part of me. I am simply no good without him. My life doesn't make sense anymore.

I'm devastated, I'm leveled, I'm gutted; I feel so sad that I can hardly breathe. I am constantly nauseated and it actually hurts to close my eyes because they are so swollen from crying.   I am racked with guilt for allowing Poppy to be in a situation where he was put in harms way. I am absolutely furious at my husband for his negligence and his lack of regard for our puppy's safety.  And of course I am in disbelief at the hit and run driver who struck my dog and took off, leaving him laying there alone in the street.  All these emotions all at the same time, plus the longing to have him back, to make it right, to do it over so that none of this would have ever happened in the first place, is really taking it's toll on me.  I feel like I'm in hell.   And no matter how much I cry or scream out loud or beg and bargain, it doesn't change the fact that now my little boy is in the ground instead of on my lap, and I can't stand to look at my husband because I blame him for this.  

Everyone on this forum has heartbreaking stories of their own; I've read many of them and cried the whole way through.  I know I'm not alone in my grief and my heart goes out to each and every one of you.  Thank you for listening to my story.  There's not a thing I can do to bring my beloved little boy back to me and I can't imagine a time in which I will not be crushed by this.




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Bailey15
Poppysmom,
I feel so very sad after reading your story and I can only imagine how devastated you are feeling! It's so obvious how much you adored Poppy and how much love and joy he brought into your life. I know this pain is all consuming and you just want to have him back. I am so sorry! 😢
I found this forum after my little dog died 2 years ago and one of the things I have learned from reading people's stories is just how quickly things can happen. To be honest I think most of the time we go about our business just assuming everything is fine and nothing like what you've described could/would ever happen. I guess what I am trying to say is that your husband never meant for this to happen and likely wanted to spare you by burying Poppy. I understand how you feel though. I would have wanted input into where he was buried or whether he should be cremated. Your husband likely thought it would be too much to bring him home to you, after being hit by a car. I can only assume he loved Poppy too and knowing that he left him alone and this happened must be a terrible burden to bear. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry but only to try (as hard as that may be right now) to put yourself in your husband's place because this could have happened in as little as one minute. I will share a story with you: My friend works from home and, after being out to the park with her young son and their puppy one day, she drove home with them in the back seat. As she parked the car, her son opened the car door quickly and their puppy jumped out and was immediately killed. My friend carried her in her arms screaming and the neighbors came running because they could hear her. She still blames herself because she didn't wait to put her puppy in her carrier that day and her loss and sadness is being compounded by guilt. It literally happened in a split second even thought it was the last thing my friend ever could have imagined.

I think the anger you feel toward your husband is bringing you more pain and I'm hoping you may somehow be able to work past that; acknowledging that, yes, he likely should have been watching Poppy more closely but also realizing that he would never have imagined this happening and also trying to think of how he must be feeling. (Please know, I feel nothing but contempt toward anyone who would hit an animal on the road and simply keep going. Terrible!!!!)
So on top of losing your smart, loving and funny Poppy, you've had a lot of other emotions to deal with. It's such a terrible loss and I feel so badly for the pain you are in. Please post again. Everyone here will be sympathetic to your pain. Sending hugs and a wish that you are able to find some peace,
MJ
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poppysmom
Hi MJ!  I can't thank you enough for your kind and thoughtful response.  I am having a difficult day today and my thoughts are all over the place; grief is definitely a creature all its own .  I know it only adds more pain to the mix to blame my husband for what occurred; I just can't get past him leaving Poppy unattended for such a long period of time when he was by an open gate that leads to a road. I know that maybe time will help me deal with this whole thing more logically but right now I am so RAW, I can't feel any other way but sad and angry, at pretty much everyone, including myself.   But being able to post here is a positive step and once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. May we all heal in time while never forgetting our babies and the love we shared with them while they were with us.
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Purzel
Poppysmom,

I just read your story which is so so heartbreaking. What a tragedy and what a terrible loss of such a young dog, your sweet Poppy. I can imagine and also understand all the emotions you are going through right now. It just happened 2 days ago. You were not there and you could not do anything to prevent this. You trusted your husband and now you feel he should not even deserve any trust at all. I understand this but I just know that in time you will see things in a more realistic light. Just like MJ had already metioned: Just imagine you would be your husband, or imagine this would have happened to you. Things like this happen in an instant without anyone ever only imagining they could happen - but they happen ever so often. And maybe your sweet Poppy just looked too horrible after the car hit him that your husband, in sheer emotional horror of what had happened there, just wanted to save you from having to look at Poppy's body. Your husband must be devastated, bearing the pain of having lost Poppy and bearing your pain.
You know, my beloved Max ran away from me so many times crossing roads - it could have happened to me a many times. Not that I did not care of him, I had an eye on him all the time. But especially in his very very young days he did that. And what if Max would have got hit? Would my husband have forgiven me? I pray that both of you, you and your husband can grieve together, and cry together. It is such a terrible loss!
Know that we are all understanding your pain. My heart goes out to you.
Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

[hundi]


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RileysMom
Poppysmom,

I am so sorry for everything that’s happened and all that you’re going through. So, so devastating! I understand the rawness of the emotions you’re feeling. Something like this, is like having a baseball bat taken to us emotionally. We’re beaten, raw and bleeding on the inside. It’s only natural to feel angry at everything that happened and to be so upset. I would be too!

I live with my dad for various reasons, and he helps out with my dogs. Sometimes he will do the stupidest thing with them, that just seems to have no thought behind the consequences of it. It will make me so frustrated and even angry at times for the thoughtlessness.

But then... the truth of the matter is, I myself have done stupid, thoughtless things that on occasion have been close calls. After your heart settles down, you say to yourself, what was I thinking, what was wrong with me that I did that. We all do it. We love our pets so much, and would NEVER intend them harm. But we all have those so very imperfect human moments where we just were not on the ball with something like we should have been. Oftentimes, it’s with innocent enough reasons behind it, we assumed something we shouldn’t have, or took something for granted we shouldn’t have. Most often we realize it wasn’t smart, but it doesn’t end too terribly bad. That’s one reason why we do boneheaded things so often, usually it doesn’t end in catastrophe. The unfortunate horrible fact is though, all it takes is for that ONE TIME that something tragic happens. It could have happened to you, just as easily as it did now to your husband.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m on his side, or that I don’t understand your feelings. Actually, I understand them too well. Not only would I be angry over what happened, but I would be so angry if on top of it all, someone just buried my dog and didn’t give me the option of where to put him. Insult to injury in a massive way. But, it was a good point the others brought out about the condition he was likely in and that your husband more than likely wanted to spare you. It doesn’t necessarily make it okay, but perhaps it helps to understand where he was coming from. No doubt, he probably was in a panic and not thinking well when all this happened.

But being angry like this in the end does not help you out. It just adds so much weight to something that’s already very difficult. There has to be a reason why your husband took him to work with him... Was he close to Poppy too and enjoyed having him with him? Whatever the case, I’m sure this has been incredibly hard on the both of you. It was an end neither of you imagined. I am so sorry for that and all things you must be feeling.

Please don’t be horrified or offended when I ask this... But being that it’s only been a few days, is it possible to obtain Poppy and to either move him to a different location or to cremate him? I only ask in case the idea could bring you some relief to have him closer. If this is upsetting to you, please disregard that I said it. I do not mean any offense to any personal feelings or beliefs you might have.

I know the feelings are very fresh and raw right now. This has been a massive blow to you and takes time to work through it. Please talk here as much as you need to, we’re here for you.
Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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poppysmom
Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read my story and reach out to me.  It has been 3 days since I lost my baby and the pain is increasing minute by minute. While trying to mourn I am also trying to forgive my husband for what happened and also trying to forgive myself for allowing him to take Poppy with him that day.  So far I can do none of these things. But I try to think about Poppy and the unconditional love he had for us, and how much he LOVED running around free when my husband had him.   I did things differently in that regard;  Poppy was ALWAYS on a leash when he was with me, even if we just went to the mailbox.  Truth be told. Poppy preferred to go with my husband because of the freedom he had to run.  But now I see, it was at a very steep price. There is no end to my "if only I had done this" thoughts, for there is no way to turn back time and do things over.

I'm spending my time printing out photos of Poppy that I've had stored on my computer and phone; there must be THOUSANDS.  Never did I think that he was only going to be with me for just one year.  I had big plans for us; I was going to take Poppy to the beach this summer to show him the ocean; I had lots of new tricks to teach him, and there was going to be MANY trips to the pet shop where he could pick out any toy he wanted.   

I love you Poppy. You were my once in a lifetime.
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