I had to put my puppy (well she wasn't a puppy, she was 12, but she was always a puppy in my eyes) down suddenly this past Friday night. She had shown no obvious signs of feeling ill or sick. She had been eating normally, in fact, demanding more food, which wasn't completely abnormal.

On Wednesday night, I went to bed early because I had to wake up at 3:30 in the morning the next day. When I was leaving the house around 4:15, she looked at me, and wined at me to come give her attention. (I use to always give her a kiss good bye before I went to work and then play with her a bit. However, that week I stopped giving her attention in the morning because she would wine at the door as I left, which would wake up my husband 3 hours before he needed to, so we were testing if I don't play with her, then maybe she won't wine in the mornings and wake him up.)

That morning, she got up, and stared at me as she wined, but didn't leave the bed, which was weird but I figured that it was because she was catching on to the new routine. About 2 hours later I recieved a call at work saying she had a seizure in the bed and peed herself, and was being rushed to the pet clinic immediately. I couldn't leave work because there was no one else there to cover my shift. But later that night, I was given the run down on what to do if it happened again, but everything in her blood levels, gluten, and functions seemed fine. We figured it might be a bad reaction to her new senior diet and the change in water (we moved to a different state a couple weeks before this)

As we started to calm down Thursday night, I went to bed late because I wanted to keep on eye on her (about 12:30), at 1:30 my husband was vigorously shaking me to wake up and we saw her having another seizure. When we called the emergency hospital they told us they usually see them after 3 seizures and to hold on and see if it calms down. At 3 am, she had another one, in which she was walking around searching for food and fell over foaming. This seizure was longer and as I held her in my arms, we sped as fast as we could to the emergency hospital that had a neurologist.

Warning: the rest is not as descriptive as i could be, but i need to get it off my chest. So there is a lot of reading.

At the hospital, they checked her blood and her glucose and liver enzymes had dropped drastically, so they stabilized her, and we discovered that after the 3rd seizure, she lost her eye sight because she was banging into walls. As we left her for the night. My heart was in so much pain, but I knew it would be better for her to stay with the hospital because there was no way I could check on her levels at home. At 5:45 am, the hospital called and told me she had another 3 grand mal seizures within an hour and she isnt stabilizing. At 9 am, they called me while I was at work and said I needed to pick her up immediately because it wasnt related to her brain but most likely to her pancreas, and that I needed to move her to a different animal hospital.

I left work 6 hours early from my 8 1/2 hour shift and picked her up. She had lost a half a pound over night. Which is A LOT for her size, as her average weight was around 7-7.5 pounds. Within the first hour of her transfer she had another seizure. They stabilized her, took for for tests, blood tests, scans, MRIs, etc. Nothing had been showing up, but she kept having seizures. Finally they found a 7.5 cm malignant tumor in her liver, nodules in her pancreas, that did not show up originally, and growths in her spleen. They told me her stomach was swollen because of all of these growths and that the reason she was not stabilizing was because even when they managed to somewhat stabilize her glucose. They would instantly drop and she would seize.

In a time span of 36 hours, she has 17 seizures, had peed herself multiple times, and didnt get to eat her daily banana piece that she thought she was smart enough to hide her stealing from my husband and I on a daily basis. Just that Wednesday she had literally been chasing us around the house, bouncing up and down, running her head into the couches, scratching at us for food and attention, and just like that we had to make a decision. Because her cancer had spread through the bulk of her organs, even if she were to survive surgery, she had had so many seizures there was a higher chance she wouldn't be able to function completely. Even my old vets and the 3 other vets I was in contact with from multiple places, and the vet who would have performed the surgery told me that the chances are NOT good. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and it rips me a part thinking about it. But I know it was better for her. As a 12 year old 7 lb pupper.

During the entire process, I replayed the deaths of all my other dogs before her, and they all hurt, but hers is and was BY FAR the worst feeling I've ever felt. My throat starts to close every time I thing about it. I start to feel sick in my stomach. And if i dont feel sick, i feel like I'm missing half of my body, it's like i dont feel anything towards anyone else. Like I'm becoming numb, because I just moved, I dont know anyone in my new state, which isnt a problem because im so close to everyone back home, and they have been soooo supportive. But Angel was the one thing (other than my husband) that I looked forward to coming home to. I made plans around her needs, made sure that If i went anywhere she HAD to come with unless it was something like the grocery store or a restaurant (and even then I found restaurants that allowed puppers). She was the first person to greet me (I would make my husband wait till after her which I know sounds bad. But to be fair, I made hi mgreet her first before me otherwise she would make sure everyone suffered her wrath. She was soooo sassy). My life literally revolved around her, and hers mine. She was what I imagine having a child would feel like, and has been with me for over half my life. And all of hers.

I am trying to keep working hard at work and show u with a smile, which I find soothing because I can forget everything at work (unless I'm on a break), but the moment I'm sent home for the day, the sinking feeling starts and I feel sick to my stomach and empty, every now and then I still cry, but now I can barely move without being pushed. And if I do, it is because I'm trying to make someone else happy. And I try to comfort them, but I'm hurting and all I do is imagine her and I feel like I see her out of the corner of my eyes and hear her collar jingle and see her tail wag. I go to start sentences about her. But then I stop because I 1 no longer have her with me and 2 don't want to make others uncomfortable.

I don't have a cuddle buddy anymore that curls up in the crook of my arms and legs. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that there were signs of her not feeling good, but I never noticed and neither did anyone else that lived with me before I moved, nor did my husband. She would shiver in the mornings and wine until fed (but I attributed that to being grumpy and hungry in her old age), she would foam randomly (but when we asked about it they said it might be stress from waiting for me to get back or going out in public cause that is when it usually happened), her belly was getting bigger, but you could start to feel the bones on her butt (but we attested that to sagging because of weight and age)... etc. A couple vets who had seen her and known her, her whole life, didnt notice anything out of the ordinary. Even with her blood work. Yet, I feel like I missed it, even that morning as I left on Thursday, it was like she was trying to tell me " hey mom, I don't feel very good" but I didn't even pet her cause I didn't want her to wake up her 'dad'. Everyone keeps telling me it isn't my fault. But I just feel so guilty. So I seeked out some place I could vent because I'm trying to feel happier and move on but everything reminds me of her. Even after I hid it all in a closet. Just the space and grass and bananas and all her favorite things remind me of her.
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I am very sorry for your loss of your sweet puppy and everything you and she went through during her final days. It's always hard to make that final decision for our pets and it is normal to feel guilty about it. But you made the decision out of love. You made that decision to end her suffering and prevent her from suffering more. I hope in time happy memories of your puppy give you comfort.

My condolences,
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