sydneyrose Show full post »
sydneyrose
Thank you for the thoughts. Being able to share these whenever they come up is very helpful. Today will be my first day working in an empty house. I have managed to look at all here stuff without losing it, although it hurts immensely.

The worst part is they I am finding it hard to be happy with my daughter, who doesn’t understand what’s going on. I know syd would not have wanted that but I can’t help it right now.
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3_cats_mom
I am sorry for your sudden lost Sydneyrose. When it is sudden, it is hard to accept, but when it is expected (like my baby's case), it is hard to see his health slowly decline, it is sooo heartbreaking. If you love someone/something, you'll never wanna let go. It's human nature. I too am feeling this emptiness, like a hole in my heart. Even though I have two other cats at home, I still feel so lonely. Just to know that I'll never see him and touch him again, it's killing me. We all know that animals don't live long enough, and yet, we chose to adopt them. It's like digging a hole for our own grave. I'm glad we have this support group, so that we can help each other on this toughest journey. 
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3_cats_mom
Forget to say one thing. While it is good to have your child grow up with your fur baby, it could also be hard for them to cope once your fur baby dies. My children grow up with the cats. They are 4 and 8 now. My daughter is a bit young to understand the meaning of life and death, but my 8-year-old son cries every night since my baby died few days ago. He would say things like "I wish he was here with us", "I can't believe that he no longer exists", "How come he can't come back to life"... etc. I really don't have an answer for all these questions. I don't know how to comfort him, cuz I am feeling so lost myself.
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Jcunnane
Hi SydneyRose,

I can definitely relate to you. Like I said I work at home 3 days a week and Bubby would be in and out of the office quite often. Jumping on the desk, sitting in front of me or laying his head on my wrist while curled up in my arms while I worked on the computer. He was so much apart of my daily life. And now it’s quiet. Very quiet and eerily quiet. I miss him dearly and would do anything to have him back.

Like you said, Sydney would lay in between your pillows and help you fall asleep back at night. Bubby would do the same. I now wake up around 2-230 every night and am just up. For the first week I would cry. I never realized how much I depended on him. Every night I would nuzzle my head into his belly and he would curl around me. I would have the most peaceful and deep sleep. He was the only thing that could honestly make me drool while sleeping. He was just that much of my comfort.

As we both said we have young baby girls. Avery is 9 months coming this Saturday and like you, I felt like I couldn’t be happy with her. I felt hollow like my Bubby took my heart and soul with him. I should be so thankful for my baby girl and Bubbys littermate, which I am, but I should be happy they’re here. But in reality I miss my baby boy so much that there is this huge amount of emptiness that is overtaking all of those happy moments and making it hard to be present for my girls especially my baby. I feel like such a bad mom to be honest. But then I have to tell myself that Bubby and his sister Lola were my first babies, even if they are kitties. I love them as if they were human babies and my blood. So I’m trying to be present and taking it a second at a time.

My love for Bubby is immense and it will never diminish. I never met a kitty like him before and he means the world to me. He was my one in a million. But I need to keep him in a safe spot in my heart. I know I’ll see him again and he better be ready for tons of kisses, hugs and I’ll never let him go again. It hurts so much that it will be a while before I’m with him again, but for now, I need to be here.

The pain is so raw and real the first week. It will get better. I feel guilty saying that because I don’t want him to ever think I will forget him or that I didn’t grieve long enough to show him how much he meant to me. My grieving is just different now. It’s not endless tears. It’s tears at any moment, the emptiness inside, the guilt of smiling and laughing when he’s not here, the weight on my chest still. I truly believe he knows how much I love him and always will. There will never be another Bubby and while that breaks my heart because I know I’ll never get him back it just means he meant that much to me and was that special to me.

Be gentle with yourself. It’s a process and you’ll be ok.

Hugs,
Jackie

Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man 💜

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sydneyrose
Thank you all for the support. It seems like yesterday that we brought her home. We had her since 5 weeks old (she was our first foster and we couldn’t let her go). Since then, she had assisted with 100’s of other fosters that have come through our home. She taught many other dogs manners and how to behave.

I tend to forget all the work we put in with her during her first 2 years of life. We would constantly train and train. She was smart and completely obedient. I trusted her without question, especially with our premature newborn.

The simple things, even those that were a nuisance before (such as hair in the car and on the couch, is missed.
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sydneyrose
I was able to get through my first day of “normal” routine without Sydney. It was tough but I think it brought a lot of healing. I spent the evening looking through our hundreds of pictures and videos of her. This really helped us remember the hood times more clearly and the profound impact that she had.
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sydneyrose
I find myself talking to her when I’m alone. Especially at times that remind me of her. I collected all our pictures of her today, 3700 pictures and videos. That’s more than one per day of her life. Looking at them seemed to help until the evening approached. Why is the night worse? That’s when she would be most snuggly and we’d spend most time with her I guess. I cannot seem to sleep without knowing she is there. The pain comes in waves now but I still feel like I’m in a constant haze.
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