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Luna

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Reply with quote  #1 
I lost my cat Orion a week and a half ago (2/8). He hadn't been eating for about a week and he appeared lethargic. He wasn't "himself" anymore. He was spending most of his time in the dark closet and would barely interact with me. The vet discovered he had a mass in his abdomen that was likely causing pain to his stomach or impeding his ability to process food. This occurred on Friday and he planned to attempt surgery on Monday. He warned me ahead of time that it might turn out to be inoperable and I would be faced with the choice of whether to wake him up from surgery or not. It was such a horrible situation to be in. I had Orion for 11 years and he was the best cat anybody could ever ask for. He seemed to be doing just fine, but went downhill suddenly over the course of only a week or so. He was my little comforter whenever I needed cheering up and I spoiled him so much. For years I had been dreading the day I would ever be faced with such a decision.

The weekend was completely miserable. I was in limbo, assuming it would probably be my last few days with him but still having hope it might be operable. I was absolutely wracked with grief, even though he hadn't even passed away yet. Just the thought of it was too much for me to bear. I didn't eat a thing for several days and ended up losing ten pounds. Not only did I NOT have any appetite, but I felt like I didn't want to enjoy any food if my little buddy couldn't enjoy eating (one of his favorite things to do, he was such a little piggy). He would still get a little excited at the sound of me opening up a can of food, but he would just sniff at it, look up at me, then walk away, like "I want to eat it so bad, but I can't." I just laid around the house and cried all day long. I didn't even want to get out of bed, but I would force myself to. Even then, I would just go from room to room, sobbing. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and sobbing. Sitting in the bathtub, staring at the wall and sobbing. Sitting on the couch, staring at the blank tv screen and sobbing. Lying on the floor in the closet next to him, sobbing. He hung out with me a little bit those last few days, but mostly he kept to himself. He did come out to sleep with me the night before he passed away and I wondered if he knew what was going to happen.

I'll never forget the horrible ache in the pit of my stomach the night before, then all that morning before the vet. Riding with him on my lap on the way to the vet. Putting him in his carrier one last time and saying goodbye before the surgery. We had to wait several hours before we would know the outcome and when we got the phone call, my heart just broke. We went to say goodbye to him, even though he was under anesthesia. He looked so innocent, lying there on the operating table with the tubes in his mouth. I kissed him on the cheek and I remember the smell of rubbing alcohol. I didn't hear a word the vet was saying to me or the other ladies behind the counter. I just headed for the car, bawling my eyes out, while my husband grabbed the empty carrier and his blanket and started making financial arrangements.

I was absolutely inconsolable for days afterward. My husband tried so hard to cheer me up, but I could care less about anything. I was walking around in a fog and could barely hear anything that was going on outside my own head. Somehow the world seemed like such a cold, harsh place without him in it. It is hard to explain, but this has been a life-changing experience for me, more so than any death of a human loved one I've experienced so far. I've never known pain this intense before and it has really made me question my feelings about life, love and death. I know it should make me appreciate what I have while I have it, but I almost feel like I've become more numb and disengaged. It has been getting a little better the past few days - I have been going to work and functioning for the most part, but I still break down crying at least once a day (especially when looking at this site). I know it will get better, but I just have so many crazy emotions right now and this has affected me so profoundly.
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pam

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Reply with quote  #2 
I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dog Mollie in November- like your Orion, she was my love, my joy and my soulmate and I was inconsolable and devastated. I am amazed at the emptiness and loss that I still feel.

I also had the terrible feeling for weeks before hand that I was going to lose her, and I grieved for Mollie (and my impending loss) for some time before the actual day. The night before our final visit to the vet was a dreadful one, just as you describe- it was my worst nightmare come true. Seeing her lying lifeless on the vet's table was almost too much for me to bear- I thought I would lose my mind with grief and I cannot think of that moment now without breaking down in tears. It really is too terrible to think about.

I know that it will be difficult to understand at this point, but the grief and disorientation that you are going through right now is normal- I couldn't concentrate on the most basic things, forgot what I was doing at work (frequently) and was reduced to tears several times a day. I walked around in a daze for weeks. Probably everyone on this site has gone through much the same thing.

Three months later, I am still missing her like crazy, but the sting of my loss is not quite as overwhelming as it once was. I am slowly becoming able to think of the love we shared and the fun we had with joy, and not sadness- others here have told me to honour her memory with happiness, not with tears- and their advice seems to help.

Trust me when I say that things will slowly become easier to deal with and you will slowly be able to think clearly- I had to take things one minute at a time in the beginning- just little steps, in order to manage. Speaking here with others who have been there is a great relief and their advice will certainly help you though this- their support helped me when I had no where else to turn.

You and Orion are in my prayers tonight,

Pam

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lisaray30043

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #3 
I lost my little Andre' on the same day as you and I am going through the exact same things you are.  Life is just not right without my little dog to snug up to.  The grief is so deep right now and I don't understand it, but there is comfort in talking to others to see how they made it through.  Together all of us can lean on one another and no one else can really understand the pain we are feeling.
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niki

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Posts: 136
Reply with quote  #4 
Hi i am Niki
i lost my little baby black cat MINT on Valentines day to cancer, she had a tumour (large mass) the vet put it in her abdomen, i know EXACTLY how you feel
We fought for 6 weeks after taking her to the vet on jan 2nd, the highs , the lows, she loved her food so so much and she ate small little meals until 3 days before she passed on,it was so sad when she could not eat any more, i spent all my time with her, i treated her like a new born baby, her face was like a kitten all her life , she was 13, in the last few days it was totally unbearable, she was getting so tired, i knew it was the end and did not know how it would turn out, i thought maybe she would fall asleep peacefully..................
the tears never stopped, i could not eat, i could not sleep,
we had to help her along the way, at home, i held her paw, i was crying so bad i could not breath,
she was so brave, so damn brave,
she was a "chickaholic" she had to have chicken every day, every sunday i used to cook a roast, she would come out to the kitchen as soon as i would carve it, she did this for 12 years of her life, so i am not able to cook a roast chicken, i cant do it, i cant even eat chicken. it was so so so sad when i knew she wanted to eat but couldnt, so i do understand how you feel.
the shock is so painful, i cannot believe i wont see her again, it has made me question everything
i have her beloved twin sister a tortie and white called OCELOT who is missing her badly, it is so sad
Life can be so so cruel, i cant quite work it all out how it can take our beloved pets
but i know how you feel
NIKI
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Luna

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Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you so much for your kind words, it really is so helpful to know that others are going through a similar experience. I am doing better. I picked up Orion's ashes from the Vet last night. I cried a little bit on the drive home and especially when I saw the paw print they made (I didn't even know that was part of the process). Orion has a soft little "house" in our closet where he would sleep and where he retreated to for the last few days of his life. I put the box of ashes in there along with his favorite blanket, a few of his favorite toy mice and a bag of Whisker Lickins (his favorite treat). I still request that my husband keep the closet door open so "Orion" can come in and out if he wants to.

Since my last post, I ended up getting a new cat from the local humane society. Initially, I was adamantly against the idea and got angry with my husband for even suggesting it, but after browsing petfinder.com "just because," I started to get the urge. Then I decided to stop by a few local shelters "not because I'm ready, but just to look." And, well, one thing led to another.....I have lots of mixed and confusing feelings about the new cat, but I think I will put that in a separate post with that topic. Thanks again for all of your support so far.
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niki

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Reply with quote  #6 
hello, i am glad you have Orions ashes with you now, i will be getting my little "mints" on thursday.
I am so looking forard to that but i know i will cry my eyes out.

as for a new fur baby, well i do think it is a good idea, dont feel guilty at all, i know it seems hard, but each cat is so different and there is no competition, we love them all differently dont we?

enjoy your new companion, i hope the pain eases a little, i am very up and down, I have photos everywhere of Mint, i am trying to celebrate her sweet little life

best wishes
Niki
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MoMo

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Reply with quote  #7 

Good Evening...My pain is as great as yours and I will pray for you...My Haupia ( 12 yr old Pomeranian) just passed 4 hours ago and I am too trying to find a comfort but my comfort is her.  Good luck with your new kitty as he/she will love you unconditionally too.

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carverman

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Reply with quote  #8 
I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm going through the same grief
after losing my little cat Boots today.  I tried everything for months, countless vet visits, antibiotics, subQ injections, but in the end, I couldn't watch him suffer and even though he ate for a few days after I found some fancy feast food he liked, the last 2 days he wouldn't eat.  It broke my heart to
see him so thin and weak. I even tried giving him vitamin b
complex liquid orally, but he was too far gone..and today
when he went outside to find a place to die, he told me it
was time.  I cried and cried as I took him into the vets, and
even though the experience for me was not as traumatic as
I had feared, I'm still grieving for him and will grieve for a
long time..we had bonded so much in the last 18 months that I knew him.   
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