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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #1 
My heart is so broken; I lost my Rookie this past Friday, 7/20. It's only been two days and while I know I will, moving forward seems impossible at this point. I miss him SO MUCH. He was only 9, and as a shelter rescue, only mine for 7.

I was in New York on business and Rookie was being spoiled by his "grandparents, " when I learned something was wrong. The whole way home to California I just prayed he'd wait for me.

It turned out he had a bulging disk, which was causing rear leg paralysis. His vet cautioned this was a lengthy recovery, but I was ready, and so were my parents. I was all set to buy him a wheelchair, but first we had to get his inflammation down. Three days into his injury, he stopped wanting to eat or drink, and even though I told him over and over he could potty in the house, he wouldn't until he was crying. Not being able to move around was causing him severe anxiety, which also hindered his recovery.

This was the first time I had to decide for a dog, and I feel so guilty. What if I would've tried harder? Could there have been a food I should've tried? My Rookie was still attentive at times, even wagging his tail. His heart was strong, but there were moments his spirit looked so broken. I'm trying to believe I made the right decision, that as a dog that LOVED fetch and long walks, he wouldn't've wanted to be immobile for 5-8 weeks with the outcome being the same. I hope someday i'll be able to believe my decision was right.

Thank you for reading and listening.... hopefully I don't sound too crazy.

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #2 
Rookiesmama, I am so sorry for your loss. No matter the circumstances I can only imagine how difficult such a decision must be. It's human nature to second guess our decisions, especially one as painful as having to let our beloved babies go. Mine were taken from me way too early and I know how it is to feel somehow cheated of time with them. How can life be so cruel? And no, you are not crazy. I hope you can forgive yourself, you only did what you thought was best for your baby.
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(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
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camunki

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Reply with quote  #3 
Your Rookie is a beautiful boy and I love the pic that you posted of him, however, I am so sorry that his health took a turn for the worse.

I know on this path we call grieving, we always go back and rethink the senerio and ask about the could haves, should haves and would haves, the second guessing always seems to come into play. I think you did make the right decision for your boy, again, none of us ever want to let our babies go, but we are their caretakers and have to make the decisions for them.

You sound like a great Mum to your Rookie....and he knows that!!! Please keep posting and know you are not alone...

((((hugs))))

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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #4 
Thank you so much for the kind words. My Rookie had a cancer scare back in November, and had reoccurring problems with his CCL. I always thought it would be these things we'd have to do battle with, not some sudden, unexpected back injury. I'm mad at myself for missing his final good two weeks, but thankful I made it home to tend to him and just love on him. I spent hours laying on the floor, holding his paw, telling him how much I loved him. I just wish I could've convinced him to eat and drink so we could fight his injury.
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camunki

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Reply with quote  #5 
you did the best that you could for your Rookie, you spent your last hours with HIM loving him and letting him know his next journey.....he will be ok..........its never goodbye, it is "i'll see you in a while"..........Its so hard to want to have our beloved pets eat and drink, i know I lost my last three babies Jemma, Munki and Daizy and they all "stopped eating", i even force fed them with them spitting the food back onto the floor. I then suddenly realized something was really wrong, internally with their bodies.

You sound like a great mom to your Rookie and gave him the ultimate life, and spent your last hours with your boy and he loves you and remembers all of that.

I know the grieving path is a long hard road with so many meltdowns along the way....please keep your Rookies legacy alive by posting here, it does take away that alone feeling.


(((hugs))))

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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #6 
Today is going to be the first night sleeping at my house without my Rookie (I spent his last week at my parent's, as they'd been watching him) and i'm so afraid of how bad it will be. I've been at my house since he passed, but being there to grab a few items is nothing like sleeping there, seeing him everywhere, expecting him to jump into bed with me. I know I need to head back to my house, because the longer I stay with my parents, the harder it will be to adjust. I'm actually off from work the next week and a half (i'm a teacher) and i'm just trying to keep busy because if I sit still too long, my mind wanders- although participating in the "real world, " is also exhausting. I know i'm rambling, i'm sorry.
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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #7 
I know the anxiety you must be feeling. I'm sorry there really isn't anything I can tell you to make you feel better. Getting through each day is extremely exhausting, trying to put on a happy face when you are literally dying inside. Being home is so difficult, you see them everywhere and everything reminds you of them. I was chopping up some peppers the other day and I just started to cry. Max was such a foodie, he loved his peppers, carrots, cabbage, pretty much was my cooking buddy. I miss him laying there next to me waiting for his treats. Bailey was never like that, except towards the end, he really was starting to take over his brother's role as my cooking buddy, but that is all gone now. I feel so angry today. I'm sorry I'm not much help.
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(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #8 
The vet just called and my Rookie's ashes are ready. I never would've thought it would be so soon. I'm glad he'll be home with me, but right now, it just makes me heart ache more.
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MyBabyX10

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Reply with quote  #9 
You are not alone! I feel exactly as you do! We lost our little boy 2 nights ago and I am devastated! The pain is absolutely horrific! 😢😢😢😢
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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #10 
Having Rookie's ashes comforts me to know that he's home, but also makes me really angry. He's not supposed to be in a box!! We're supposed to be out walking, and he's supposed to be rolling in the grass. Almost a week and it's still just as hard.

I felt the need to share a few more pictures of my beautiful boy.

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jpeg 20180612_195115.jpg (3.97 MB, 9 views)
jpeg 20180505_192850.jpg (2.46 MB, 10 views)

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Sil

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Reply with quote  #11 
Rookiesmama,

I wish I could give a hug and have a good cry together.  This pain is like no other.  Rookie's love and spirit will always be with you.  (((Hugs)))
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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #12 
What a sweet looking soul, beautiful eyes. I know how much you miss your little baby, I wish I could make you feel better, but I don't know how to make myself feel better yet.  Thank you for sharing your beautiful pictures.
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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #13 
There was a woman Rookie and I would always run into at the park- merely an acquaintance, but Rookie and her pup would always say hello. She knew I'd be out of town and when I was returning, so after Rookie passed, I stopped at the park to tell her the news. I figured a few minutes and I'd be on my way- but no. She spent 1.5 hours talking to me- about my Rookie, about random stuff, about how much this sucks. She told me how years ago when her dog passed, she put up numerous snapshots on her refrigerator. I printed some last night, and while every picture triggers a memory, I love seeing these snapshots of my boy so happy.
This woman didn't need to spend so much time talking to me, but I was so appreciative and grateful. I feel the same way about the people here. We're all hurting, but so many of you listen and offer such kind words when you're struggling as well. It means so much. Thank you!
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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #14 
Today is a week and I kidded myself into thinking it wouldn't be awful. I watched the clock all day, thinking of what we were doing at this time last week... which in turn led to guilt as he was still very attentive. Trying to keep busy today didn't really help, and I ended up taking on nap on "his, " side of the bed. I love you Rookster and miss you so, SO much!

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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #15 
Melissa, I know how you are feeling. Today makes 2 weeks since Bailey passed and six weeks since Max has been gone. I was cleaning out my refrigerator yesterday and there was food there I cooked the day of Bailey's attack. I remember sharing my food with him that day. I have not been able to eat a decent plate of food since then. 

I hope our grief lessens and the guilt loosens it's grip on you. Much love and hugs to you today, such a difficult day.

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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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