Baby_bear_2016
Good day,

First I want to say how sorry I am to everyone that has experienced the loss of their beloved fur baby. I hadn't really understood how intense this experience was until I was faced with my own loss less than 48hrs ago. Sorry this is long but this is my story.

Lil bear has been by myside for just shy of 16 1/2 years he was almost 19 when we had to make this horrible decision. My lil bear; i always called him baby bear, had been my rock and only constant in my life. He helped me through a failed marriage and many rocky times as well as many joyous times. Whenever I cried he was there for me to hold and rock and he would always look up at me with his big brown eyes as if to say "it's ok mommy, I'm here". He was with me every step of the way and even was present as I married the love of my life in our back yard just over one year ago.

Lil bear had always been a healthy, full of life, loving dog that made everyone smile. He literally was my baby boy. He had the odd occasionally back pain and occasional pancreatitis but that's was all treatable. This summer in the middle of July I noticed Lil bear drooling as he watched me eat my brealfast; he was always a bagger but never a drooled. I did think anything of it until I washed his little face and felt a mass on the left side of his cheek. Being a nurse I though "oh, he has developed a dental abscess" we will just take him to the vet and they can lance it. Well that wasn't the case. It turnt out to be a very invasive tumour; invasive wasn't the word. We had an option do surgery which was risky due to his age or take it day by day and see. Well we weighed our options and decided to take it day by day. We never expected it to progress as fast as it did, even the vet was suprised. The tumour eventually made its way to his throat and to the right side of his face. He dropped weight fast which made it hard to see. He love for food was astonishing. Over the past 3 weeks my husband and I tried everything to help nourish him; baby food to pureed pizza than eventually feeling him with a syringe (he would accept it without a problem because he always loved the attention). Than on September 10th he just stopped eating. There was nothing I could do.

My husband took the role over as the strong realistic type why I was still in denial. It wasn't until I got up with him at 3 in the morning and watched him try to stick his tongue out to drink water. The pain mediation we gave him daily was no longer helping. So that was my point when I decided I can't see him suffer; but I knew what that ment and it killed me. The sad part is for as old as he was he still looked vibrant and if it wasn't for the tumour he certainly had life left in him. The tumour took my baby bear away.

On september 13th after spending all of the day holding him, rocking him and telling him how much I loved him he took his last car ride (which he always loved). Balling my eyes out all day and dealing with heartbreak. I tried to remain strong for him but it was so hard. I held him as he looked at me than he was gone.

Prior to this I had asked people and researched experiences with euthanasia. I found mixed reviews but the end message was always the same, don't let your dog suffer. I held onto this. For me this was the most traumatic thing I have ever done. I was holding my baby bear wrapped in his blanket as the doctor gave him his 'Peace drug' I lost it. He twitched than he was gone. I wanted it reversed.

Now less than 48hrs later I'm a bag of emotions
Yesterday was horrible as I recollected everything that happened the day before hour by hour up to the point he went lifeless in my arms at 5pm. I blamed myself for not knowing sooner; how did I not find a lump on my baby bear? How could I take his life away as he looked me in the eyes? Where is the peace that comes from seeing your dog rest in peace? These questions haunt me.

My husband had been my rock through this and has provided as much comfort he possibly can. But I was not looking forward to today. I have irrational fears of being alone in the house. I have irrational fears of being alone but than I don't want company. I have two other animals to look after but feel guilty that it's not Lil bear. I also am 28 weeks pregnant and feel guilty that i am overwelemd with sadness and not interacting with the baby like i used to. At the moment I think I feel peace and the traumatic event is less vivid and is being replaced with happy memories or at least I'm trying. Although i cant help bit feel empty inside and wish there would be a sign that my baby bear is ok and happy.

This is a struggle I never understood and wouldn't wish upon anyone. However, for those who have read this I know you have struggled to and it gives me hope that one day I'll be at peace with the passing of my little bear and maybe even adapt to my new "normal" whatever that may be.

Thank you for your time and I appreciate you reading mine and lil bears story.

Mommy will always love you baby bear and you will forever have a piece of my heart
Tanya M
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camunki
I am so sorry for your Lil Bear ((Tanya)) this is all so fresh and new...i know when my pets passed on last year, i had to take 3 sick days from work cuz i could not function, i layed in bed and cried alot, so many tears to build a river and the upcoming weeks too will be very hard, especially going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning. 

Losing a pet is like losing a child, that is how it felt to me (I don't have any kids) and my pets are my kids. The feelings are overwhelming and you will go thru many ups in downs in the upcoming months. I myself journal each day, it helps me heal, I am going on over 9 months since I lost my beloved Munki on 12/3/15 and I still talk to her everyday and miss her so much.

I am glad you had Lil bear til he was almost 19, that is a great long life, and yes, we all wish for more life! I am glad you were with Lil bear til the very end giving him a life of love and happiness...to the very end.....And watch for "signs" i have had many and still look for more and know that God would always put our pets in the afterlife in their new world.

Please keep coming back and posting it truly helps.

Cam


 
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Baby_bear_2016
Hi camunki and thank you for your reply. Lil bear was also my child so I complelty understand where you are coming from. Call me crazy but I called the vet today to see if his body had been sent to the crematorium yet. In my head I think I may begin to heal once I know he is back home and safe....
Tanya M
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Allicat
I'm sorry for your loss. He seemed like a great dog. He lived a long life! I lost my cat from a suspected brain tumor, so i know how it feels. I was scared of the idea of euthanasia too, but my cat passed peacefully. I hope your pain begins to lessen over time.
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Baby_bear_2016
Thank you Allicat.  I'm also sorry for your loss.  I have a new respect and understanding for the devastating loss of our little fur babies.  The more and more I read everyone's stories the more I realize I'm not alone.  This sense of loss, emptiness and guilt is truly debilitating.  I was due back to work tomorrow; or though I would be able to return but I can't even socialize appropriately; my mind is overwhelmed and preoccupied by grief.
Tanya M
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Allicat
Baby_bear_2016 wrote:
Thank you Allicat.  I'm also sorry for your loss.  I have a new respect and understanding for the devastating loss of our little fur babies.  The more and more I read everyone's stories the more I realize I'm not alone.  This sense of loss, emptiness and guilt is truly debilitating.  I was due back to work tomorrow; or though I would be able to return but I can't even socialize appropriately; my mind is overwhelmed and preoccupied by grief.


You're welcome, and thank you for your kind words. I agree with you. Reading stories has also given me some comfort knowing I'm not alone. I've been so heartbroken and empty. I cry rivers over my cat and I can hardly sleep or eat. I understand how you feel. Grief has taken over my mind too. I feel drained, and being near people is a struggle for me as well. I just want to sleep or be alone. Wishing you the best!
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Baby_bear_2016
Wishing you the best to.  Keep on posting and sharing your story.  We are here for each other. Its a welcome distraction to our overwhelming feelings as we search for reasons, peace and acceptance.
Tanya M
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TabithasDaddy
Tanya,

The way you lost your Bear is exactly how I lost my Tabitha, so I know exactly what these last days have been like for you. To see them suffering so but having such a hard time finding the strength to let them go is excruciating. I too still find myself reliving those last days. When I do I have to put other things on hold and just be alone. But those times are fewer.

Accept the kind words offered here, the worst will in time pass. Until then many of us have been where you are today and we understand.
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Baby_bear_2016
Thank you Gregg
I'm also sorry for your loss.  It truly is the worst experience I have ever went though.  Your words are kind and thank you for understanding where I'm at right now.  Only those who have been though such a loss seem to really understand.
Tanya M
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heartsick
I am so very sorry that you lost your Lil Bear.
I lost my Bear also.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet precious Lil Bear.

The beginning raw searing pain of new grief is just awful.

They take a piece of us when they go,

But they leave a piece of them with us also.

Grief is awful and there is nothing else like this pain.

I am divorced - when I was married I buried my son- at that time I became a Certified Grief Counselor- I used the same graveside service for my Bear as I did for my son.

Please know that when we lose someone we love we don't stop loving them -

LOVE NEVER DIES.

The soul bound connection that is between our babies and ourselves is forever.

Nothing - not death- tears -grief - or sadness will ever break the ties between us for those ties are made of LOVE so strong that NOTHING will ever sever those connections.

LOVE NEVER DIES.

When we grieve for those we love it is because we do not quite know how to live without them. We breathe because we have no choice but the living part takes a huge amount of learning and time.

Grief is not something we get over but something that we learn -slowly- over time- to incorporate into our lives until it becomes a part of us like our bones and our breath.

Please know that we all understand here and we are all here for you.

Please come back and tell us more about your life with your beautiful baby so we can get to know him  better through you. You can post pictures also.

We are all in this together and all walking the same roller coaster path of grief together -

some a bit ahead of you, some by your side, and some will come behind for you to help along.

If you read the beginning of any one of our threads you will see yourself. I, literally, walked in circles wringing my hands. My chest constantly hurt as I was unknowingly holding my breath.

You Are In My Thoughts.                                       

Susan(heartsick)

 (This is a photo of my Bear)

 

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

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Baby_bear_2016
Susan thank you so much for the reply and sharing your Bears . So handsome. Your right love never dies. The grief process is so difficult and the void is beyond my explanation. Today is a bit better than the last. I started a journal to my lil bear and when I feel upset or happy I write to him. It has helped thus far. I have a hard time vocalizing how I feel because I just break down and cry.

I have attached two photos of my baby bear. First was a few years ago and the second of him sleeping in my arms was a few hours before we said our goodbyes.

Xoxo baby bear. Mommy loves you.
Tanya M
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Lace62615
I am so sorry for your loss. You're not the only one struggling and please don't feel alone. This is a safe place to talk about your feelings, and I know personally it's been helpful to me in my process of grieving.

Your furbaby is running pain free at the rainbow bridge with all the other pets, including my Tank who I lost 2 months ago. I hope they are enjoying their time together up there.
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BabybluenoseMia6
I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your baby bear. There is such a big hole that is left when they leave us, it feels as though nothing can fill it.
I am myself having an awful time in the grief process of my baby girl Mia. She left me at only 6 years old. I have never grieved this much for any human. Being 32 weeks pregnant might make it a bit worse, I know time will help but it will never completely heal me. I've gotten to the point where I just want to be alone. Family, friends, and husband is tired of listening to me grieve.
I miss her so much and cry every day.
My prayers are with you and thank you for sharing your lovely story.
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impala
I'm sorry for your loss.  Your story is my story almost word for word.  I lost my baby 13 days ago.  Today I thought about cleaning my babies water and food bowl that are still on the kitchen floor.neglected, the water almost evaporated. I can't do it. I feel sometimes like I'm losing my mind. I wonder how long this goes on. I miss my baby so much I think I'm being self pitying.  I too wish I could have a sign that she is happy, young and healthy in Heaven.  I worry about her, is she okay? I wish I could be with her and I also regretted the decision and wanted her back.  I will never forget walking out of the room. I felt like a traitor.  There really are no words.  I cry and pray.  Sometimes I feel a little peace. I'm so sorry for all of us.  Sierra's doggieMom
Paula Johnson
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