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Becky1990

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Reply with quote  #16 
Stealthcat,
I am so sorry to hear that you and your husband is struggling so much. I know when I got the call to pick up the ashes, it broke my heart all over again! Like my kitty they both pulled through it over the years and it was okay. It will take a long time for our hearts to heal.
It sounds like you are doing what you should do to help your husband get through this too. Sadly most men feel like that shouldn't cry by the way they were brought up. Let him know it is okay to cry. Our pets are our babies that most people don't understand. Has he ever written his feelings here? There are a lot of wonderful men that are here to support him. If he hasn't you might want to suggest that to him.
I think one of the reason I struggle is because mine was a daddy's boy first and he passed away in 2009. I knew he was a good man because every animal he was in contact with, loved him. He was a animal lover and they knew it.
I wish we could make this grieving process easier, but we can't. The only thing we can do is try and remember the good times and know they are still with us always. Please keep in touch with all of us and let us know how you and your husband is doing. Hugs.
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Stealthcat

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Reply with quote  #17 
Thank you everyone for your support. 

I ask my husband if he wants to join this forum and write down his thoughts or express how he feels. He said he understands why it helps me, but that he isn't sure about doing it himself. I told him that it helps being here and knowing others feel exactly the way we do right now.  I think he is worried that reading others' stories will make him feel even more sad. For now, I will try to find ways to alleviate his grief. 

Part of why he misses our cat so much is that he spent so much time cuddled up with him. I plan to do a craft to construct a weighted grey cat stuffed animal. Maybe I will put a tuft of his real fur inside. I am hoping, as childish as it may seem to cuddle with a stuffed animal, it helps fill the void he used to have. 

If anyone has any other ideas they've done to help process grief or memorialize their baby, please let me know. I keep looking for ways to do that. 
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #18 
Stealthcat and Catlover72 - I understand your pain. I feel the same about my dog. We are also going to a cabin this weekend. We have always gone with our dog. She loved it there. This is the first time without her there and I am dreading it. I am afraid to feel the wave of grief and be sad the entire time instead of so happy there like I used to be. This is so hard. I loved going with her and she loved it. I hope I can be there and not cry the entire time.
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Stealthcat

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Reply with quote  #19 
Michelemh - that will be very difficult  :(   It is hard being places you know they were, or that you know they enjoyed, without them. I truly hope you are able to enjoy yourself a little while you're there. Take your pup with you in your heart and imagine her playing along with you, and know you gave her so many happy memories with you there, too!  I know it is easier said than done - I avoided my own home for a week after my cat passed because it was too painful to be there with all of the triggers. I am trying my best to smile at the tufts of grey fur I am still finding all over instead of crying, but it takes time. 
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CatLover72

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Reply with quote  #20 
It’s going to be hard Michelemh. It’s just a matter of a lot of firsts. The first time I’ve been here and he’s not there, the first time I’ve been in that room and he’s not there...and so on until everything has been done once without him. Sounds crazy doesn’t it. I’m absolutely dreading leaving him here. It doesn’t feel right and I’m worried about him. The only thing wrong with that is that he isn’t here anymore. He hasn’t been for a month now and still my mind won’t accept it. We all have to stay strong and this group has really really helped. Thank you all.
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Stealthcat

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Reply with quote  #21 
CatLover72 - I don't think that is crazy at all. I think we are all doing things in our grief that we wouldn't normally do, but we all have to process it in our way. First all of last week, I didn't eat because between being so depressed that I just wasn't hungry, I just kept thinking "Stealth doesn't get to eat anymore, I won't either."  Which is silly, I know. And I know if Stealth was still here and could talk to me, he wouldn't want me doing that. For brief moments, I forget he is gone and expect to see him and it hits me like a ton of bricks when realization sets in again.  I am going away for a few days next week for my 10th anniversary, and my immediate thought was that I need to get someone to check on Stealth and Shadow...then forgot it is only Shadow now. My husband talks to the cat's ashes on the nightstand - saying things like "goodnight, Stealth, we miss you." or "Ok Stealth, I know I need to put my phone down and sleep now..." I think it makes him feel better.  But we all process and deal with the grief in different ways. 

And I agree with you - this group is so supportive and amazing. 
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #22 
Catlover72 and Stealthcat - All the firsts are hard. There will be plenty more of them. I also dread going and coming home to an empty house. I have found it hard to go out on the weekends and come home to nothing. I would rather not go out and have to come home to an empty house. That is hard. I would always have to get home to feed or take her out or just have her there for comfort. Also all the dates I see or things I had or have. I always think that was the week before she died or this happened the day before she died. She was still here. Then I think I wish she was still here. Other dates that happened after she passed I think she had already died when this arrived or this happened. I still can't believe she is not here after 18 years. The grief is just under the surface even if I am fine one minute if I think of her or she where she used to be I cry. My dentist wife told me yesterday she still cries 8 years later about her dog. They didn't get another since the grief was too much. She was tearing up talking about her yesterday.
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #23 
I find myself experiencing the dates thing Too. Now events are before her death and after her death...
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Becky1990

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Reply with quote  #24 
Yes the " date" thing. It is 4 weeks for me today and I cried my eyes out this morning and cant stop thinking about him. I dread when a Thursday day comes. 4 weeks.. we were even playing that morning too!
I am so sorry for everyone's loss here. So grateful I found this site and people to lean on that totally understand how bad we are greiving. It has helped me tremendously. Thank you everyone!
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #25 
Everything is now before her death and after her death. I am going through some things I bought on our vacation just before she passed away. She always came and loved it there. Now when I look at the things I was so happy to buy, I remember her always waiting in the car for me with my husband. She was too old to walk near the stores. I was always happy to come back to the car where she was waiting with my husband. Now I have a feeling of grief in my stomach and that grief in my throat when I see the things and think of her. This is so hard.
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Becky1990

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Reply with quote  #26 
The little things that mean so much! Just when i think I am okay, I'm not. I know its a process. I was raised to be strong and independent. This just about has me on my knees. God, please help us all.
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Stealthcat

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Reply with quote  #27 
To all, I am not sure if we are ever going to get over what happened completely. When I told my aunt about what happened with my stealth, she immediately teared up thinking about two of her dogs she lost a few years ago. I think it's just normal to always miss what we've lost. I think it's also normal to think of time as before and after. Before was when things were so comfortable, reliable, happy, and just RIGHT. After is when things fell apart and a huge hole is now in place of where all that comfort and familiarity was. It's when our lives changed in a million little ways that only we can see. I think that's why those who don't have furry creatures in their lives don't comprehend the loss. They don't see the loss as losing the sense of self, comfort, normalcy, and a complete, whole home.

I am grateful for all of you for being so supportive. For showing me that the grief is normal. That we aren't alone. That we have someone on the other end who understands what it's like.

So thank you. It's meant a lot to me.
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #28 
Stealthcat - I won't get over it. She was my once in a life time dog. You are right things were comfortable, reliable, happy and right. My world felt better when she was a part of it. She was a part of my existence. Now I am missing a part of me. Something does not feel right. Like I am not complete or whole. No matter where I was or no matter where we where together it felt like home when she was here.
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CatLover72

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Reply with quote  #29 
Guys, I found this and I just had to share it with you. Please believe me when I say it’s true.

We arrived to our home in Portugal where Frankie grew up. I was dreading it, but it wasn’t as I expected. It has memories everywhere and it doesn’t hurt me to have them. I don’t know why. I think it’s time and acceptance. It’s also knowing that we did our absolute best for him and we couldn’t ever have done any more. We loved him and we still love him. We miss him and be will never ever be replaceable but he is gone. Our lives move on because they have to and I told a story today and didn’t start to struggle.....there is hope.

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Stealthcat

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Reply with quote  #30 
I am from the greater Pittsburgh area, where they have a spreading kindness painted rock thing. It's been going on for years, and its basically a massive Easter egg hunt, but for painted rocks.

I went walking in the park today, hoping exercise helps improve my mental state overall. Well I found a rock there that said, "start each day with a grateful heart."

I kept thinking about my little baby stealth, and when I found that rock, I thought that I truly am grateful to have had the privilege of having him as a sweet, cuddly friend. I'll always miss him, always...but I couldn't have asked for a better companion. And even though it breaks my heart that he is gone, and sometimes I still cry thinking about him...I saw this rock and thought that I truly am grateful to have had him in my life. <3

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