curcumas
I need to figure this out. I need to stop feeling so sad. I miss my Mango so much and all I want to do is stay in bed. I don’t advise watching This is Us if you are feeling bad about losing any person or pet. I haven’t eaten much but gained a few pounds. I have alopecia and episodes get triggered by stress. At the rate I’m going to have a bald spot on top of my head. Sigh. All that said. I can’t make it stop hurting. My other cat is so off and I can’t make her feel better. My son wants a kitten. Part of me wants that, but the other part feels like I would betray Mango. What if it’s the wrong animal. I am not ready, but I said we could look in a few weeks or so. It hasn’t even been two weeks since we lost her. Sometimes it all still doesn’t seem real and it’s like I can call the vet and tell them I changed my mind. I’m coming to get her. It’s such a strange thought. It’s like a dream, but I’m awake. I feel so happy thinking oh, duh, why didn’t I think of that. Then it’s gone and reality hits. Almost 19 year of my life with my girl. It’s hard to adjust.
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Mackysmum
Hi
I totaly get what you mean by its a dream , i find it feels like that at times still 3 months down the track since i lost my boy macky.
I think of some thing that I could do to help macky with his rear legs then I get a flutter of excitement in my gut , then it hits me that its to.late , he's gone .
Sorry you have to go though this aswell , its so hard
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Sil
Sorry for your loss.  I understand you completely, the pain is so intense that we are not able to function.  It is like, "you are living in a parallel universe with just pain", yet, all else is "normal".  The pain will be less "sharp with time".  I lost a beloved pet - he was my "protector, confidant, a source of unconditional love, and companionship" for eleven years.  When he was gone, I felt empty and lost.  I survived by eating saltines crackers and soda - not ideal - for days, weeks. 

It has been eleven months....the strange part is, "I did not want time to pass, I wanted to remember the awful pain, because I felt like if I did not feel this intense pain, I was betraying him"

Hang in there, with time pain becomes less sharp.  Perhaps concentrate and focus on your other Cat, she is also mourning the loss.

Prayers and hugs
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curcumas
Sil I understand. The past few days I tried to not think about Mango as being gone. Just function normal like she is here. I didn’t feel too bad but felt like I was betraying her by trying to go on. I was ok with it because I felt happy for a day or so. Then tonight, I looked in the hall and saw my other cat looking down the stairs like she often did when Mango would come upstairs and it came back in and flooded me. All of it, so real. The state of mind I was in was gone and I was back to this sad reality. However, the sad reality made me feel closer to her. I cried a lot. Then I go back to the state you are talking about Mackysmom. I start thinking she is here and how can I fix this. But there is no way. I honestly felt ok the past two day. I know she is gone, I could say it, but it didn’t seem real. The way I was acting made me feel like she was just in the other room sleeping. It amazes me how you can let yourself forget, but as soon as it comes back, it feels so so awful again. It’s like your heart has just been torn out again. This sound weird, but I took a video of her sitting next to my bed. She was just looking up at me lovingly and happy. If I sit in bed and hold my iPad just right it all lines up and looks like she is there. It’s all so wrong.
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JennyTeddy
Curcumas,

You’ve been in my thoughts and wanted to check how you are doing. My heart continues goes out to you and your baby Mango. Sending you warm hugs 💛
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

  
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curcumas
Jenny, thank you for checking on me. I’m doing ok I guess. I have been reading the forum, but I haven’t written much. Sometimes it’s hard to read it. I have been trying to clean up my house. I have avoided cleaning anything because I knew I would have to deal with a lot of Mangos stuff. It’s been challenging. I had a futon she loved to sleep on. She used to sleep there with our old cat we lost about 8 years ago. There was a big spot on it literally covered in fur. It always brought her comfort to sleep there, so I never moved even a pillow. I was going to save some of the fur. I don’t know how I didn’t notice before, but my poor girl had leaked all over the spot. With her kidneys failing it happened a lot especially when she slept deeply. We had to throw out the futon. There was no way I could clean it. When I was younger and moved out on my own, that futon was my bed which I shared with my kitties, then my couch once I got a bed. Eventually it ended up in a guest room. It broke my heart to have to throw it out, but it was so beyond salvageable. She must have leaked on it a lot over time. I have stuff around my home that is hers, like the fur coved spot. I know she isn’t coming back, but removing thing that were hers, seems so hard. It’s just over 3 weeks and my world still feels upside down. Our furry ones sure impact our lives. I have read a lot of your posts. I am so sorry again for your loss. Teddy was so lucky to have had you. Thank you again.
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bluegreen_eyes
I am glad that you're doing great right now.
bluegreen_eyes
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