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LuvTank1

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Reply with quote  #31 

We will have our good and bad days, I'm sure, and I completely understand.  If I laugh, or eat something that I know Tank loved, I feel so guilty.   I'm hoping it's true that time heals and we don't ache like this forever.

That is a good idea with the necklace!   

 


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Cammy Ripley
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #32 
I hope time will heal, too.  I fully expect the up days and down days.  Kinda stinks not knowing what kind of day it's going to be in advance, y'know?  I can't really prepare for it - so I just get blindsided with the grief.

I didn't even know they made those necklaces, but I was looking around for "lockets for men", because I'd heard of people putting the fur clippings in the locket they wore.  Figured I'm not much on wearing hearts and stuff, but this was something that I could wear that just (mostly) looks like a generic item a guy might wear on a chain around his neck.  And, as I'm not even sure how much ashes I'll get back, due to how thin Stormy had gotten, I may not have enough to split between home and work in regular urns.  But the container necklace should do nicely, and that will go with me even on days that I'm not at work or home.  They don't engrave them, so I bought a dog tag to go with it as a reminder of what it is, if I get older and start to forget

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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LuvTank1

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Reply with quote  #33 
Awww, that will be nice.  You should have enough, nice memorial and comforting to have her with you always.
She was a lucky kitty to be loved SO much.   I wish all animals had so much of that.

Yes, there will be good and bad days, hoping more good than bad very soon for you.


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Cammy Ripley
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #34 
Dear Stormy,

The grief is hitting me fresh this morning, almost like a truck on the interstate coming head-on.  I'm not crying outwardly, but inside I'm an emotional wreck.

Why did you have to go, Stormy? :(  I mean, I know, everybody and everything dies at some point...but I'm in agony right now.  As much as your furblings make me laugh sometimes, and as much as they want to spend time with me just like you did, I still have a hole in my heart.  It seems like everybody else has "picked up and moved on", like I'm the only one who still misses you and wishes you were around.  I hope that's not true, but that's kind of how it feels right now.

I haven't stopped cuddling stuffed animals since you were taken from me, Stormy.  So far, that and this forum are the only things that have been able to help me cope - and coping is the MOST that it feels like.  I'm sure some people around me wish I'd just let it go and move on, but that's not possible right now - and it may never be possible, as close as I was to you.  I feel right now like a lot of the days are filled with me just going through the motions, not really mentally connected to anything I'm doing.  I feel in some ways like we were both failed about aspects of your health.  I feel guilty that I didn't realize it sooner. 

I have to go to work now, but I'll try to write you again later.  In case I don't, can you try to come visit me in my dreams tonight?  I'd really like that.  But I understand if you can't.

I love you, baby girl, with all my heart.

Love,
Daddy


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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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msweet13

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Reply with quote  #35 
Dearest David - I know exactly what you mean when you say "the grief is hitting me fresh this morning, almost like a truck on the interstate coming head-on." I feel that way every morning when I realize, again, that Brutus is not bringing me his special "good morning" wake up call. You made me realize that I stopped talking about Brutus to my support system. David, my BF, cannot handle talking about death and I know he really misses Brutus, but he doesn't really talk about it. I think he is afraid of upsetting me. He did mention that it bothered him that I still have Bru's food/water bowl in the kitchen but I am not putting them away until I am ready, if ever. I internalized most of my feelings and I express them when I am alone or on this site. I know people mean well, but to say that getting another puppy is the answer is not really where my head/heart is right now so to me it is a "non-answer." What I want, I can't have--I want Brutus back, just like you want Stormy back, healthy of course, but we want them back. David, we will make it through this grief journey and there is a light at the end of the tunnel--we really have to believe that. I wish you peace of mind and comfort of soul remembering your precious and beloved Stormy.
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Denise (Brutus' Mom)
Brutus von Dolce
06/19/2006 - 03/16/2018
RIP my sweet beautiful boy
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Ginger4256

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Reply with quote  #36 
David,
You are not alone.  I am the exact way every morning when I wake up and realize that Boo is not there.  I don't want to get out of bed without him.  Of course, like you, I have to go to work.  The one thing Boo hated most in the world was me going to work.  When he was young, he would just howl when I left, making me feel like crap for leaving him.  Now, I feel guilty that I could not stay home with him more.  The last two years of his life, he seemed to accept it but never liked it at all.  When I got home in the afternoons, he was at the door waiting for me to chase him around the house laughing the whole time.  We just loved being together.  Now, there is nothing at home waiting for me.  I don't see that little white face at the window waiting for me to drive up the driveway.  
No one understands unless they have gone through it or, are going through it, which is why this forum is great for getting your feelings out.  It helps just to write them down.  
The days at work are in slow motion for me now.  I work and do my job because I have to but I would rather be home in Boo's house thinking about him.  I don't think I will ever be the same after this nightmare.  
As far as another companion, I know that eventually I might love another dog, but now I just don't think I could.  Boo was more than a dog to me, he was my mate, my companion, my love.  
So, I'm writing this to let you know that you are not alone here.  We all know how you feel and hurt.  
May you, and all of us, find peace of mind.  

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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #37 
Thank you, Ginger and Denise - it does help to remember that I'm not alone on this forum.  I'm definitely holding my ground on moving on when I am personally ready, not when people at my house WANT me to be ready.  I know rushing things won't help, because I'll just wind up bottling everything up inside, and that's never a good thing to do. 

It does help writing out my feelings in letters to Stormy, that's for sure. 

I'm slowly putting together what I need for my little memorials to Stormy.  I'm kicking myself a little, that I didn't get more hair clippings, so I'd have enough for two keepsake boxes (if I decided to keep one at work like I'm thinking of doing), but maybe I can somehow make the small amount I have work for two.  The dog tag and container locket will probably be here within the next week.  I'm guessing I'll have the ashes back next week.  I still need to get the pictures of Stormy printed that are on my wife's phone, and I want to get some little tea candles that run on batteries so I can have one at work and one at home.  I probably am a little OCD over all of this, but I just want everything to be perfect for my Stormy.

I do hope that eventually I'll get through the worst of this, however long it takes.. 

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #38 
Dear Stormy,

How is my baby girl this morning? I woke up thinking of you again. Came to the dentist and was visiting your memorial, and reading through all the guestbook comments and my memories of you made me start crying again.

I miss you so much.

We may go look at some kittens on Sunday. Please don't think I am trying to replace you...even if I get another kitten, I will still have a hole in my heart from your absence. But it might help me deal with the pain a little bit to have a new fur baby to cuddle.

Your mama tried to ease my sorrow last night by telling me you were in a better place, and I couldn't respond at all...because what better place could you be right now than here with me?

I will love you to the stars and back forever, baby girl.

Love,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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anniesdad

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Reply with quote  #39 

David, I just shared some thoughts with you on my own thread but then I read this.  I'd encourage you - as long as you feel ready - to look at getting another companion.  I personally don't think there is a "too soon" for that.  It's a comfort to think there may be a kitty out there - right now - somewhere who has no idea they're about to get the most incredible new dad in the world.

We've spent the past year or more, preparing, knowing that our Annie wasn't going to be with us much longer.  Each day/week/month was a blessing that she was going so strong and healthy despite her difficulty walking.  We also have a little wire-haired Daschund named Gracie that has lived her whole life with Annie as a sort of mother figure.  Knowing that it would be hard for Gracie when Annie passed, we got two more Daschunds just a few months ago - Hank and Peanut.  By the time Annie passed this last weekend, Hank and Peanut were full-fledged members of our family, loved by all.  It's been good for Gracie to have her companions - Hank and Peanut during this time. But just as importantly, having Gracie, Hank, and Peanut there for me has been a huge part of my search for peace in this difficult time.

So don't rush into anything, but if you're ready - and you'll know if you are - be willing to take that step don't feel bad for it.  I have a feeling some kitty out there is about to win the "lottery".  Doesn't have to be today or this week, or month... but the day will come when you're ready.

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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #40 
Brian,

Thank you for the encouragement.  I'll definitely get one if it feels right.  This would be more to help me try and heal somewhat than a replacement, that's for sure, I just have to keep reminding myself of that or I'm worried I'll start second-guessing it if we do go through with an adoption.

I was going to put this on your thread, then I figured I'd just reply over here, but one of the hardest things I'm dealing with on the timing is just that in some ways, it didn't really feel "right" for sending Stormy on.  I'm starting to think now that she really was at a borderline place (she'd had 3 bouts of diarrhea in 5 days, if I'm remembering correctly) of more bad days than good.  The hard part is just the look on her face.

As we got in the van, Stormy was completely panicked.  When she realized the van was pulling out of the garage, she started trying to climb out of my arms and up over my shoulder.  She pretty much was that way most of the way to the clinic, and then as we got to the clinic, it was almost like she'd just resigned herself to her fate.  I just hope that in those last moments, her little mind wasn't telling her, "Daddy doesn't love you anymore."  Nothing could be further from the truth, and if you've seen some of my previous posts on this thread, you'll see that I was waging multiple battles that morning.  I'm still upset about some of them and don't know when I'll ever be over them - because no one should have to endure what I went through before getting in the van.  I can't even address that as I need to, because I'm worried about a potential overreaction...I want my baby girl back and safe with me and her mementos at work before I try to decide if addressing anything else is worth it.

I know, as you said, I'd be facing the grief regardless of whether I'd waited longer or not, but some of the things that go along with the grief right now (her look in her final hour, primarily) cause a lot of second-guessing and agony that I wish wasn't there.

May all of us find the peace we need to get through the day.

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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anniesdad

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Reply with quote  #41 
Yes, I've read and understand some of the complexities that were affecting the difficult decision you had to make.  Even still, I don't think for one second Stormy would have questioned your love or care no matter how alarmed she may have been.  I'm wishing peace for you and others here today.  Thank you for taking time to share with me and others here.
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #42 
Hi David,

Just checking in on you. I know it is all so hard. And sure, it would be devastating without the additional layer of conflict and questioning, but I truly believe those elements make things much harder still. I am wishing you the very best, as you find your way.

It is all still so fresh, very early stages. Though you may feel you have lived an entire painful lifetime in this past week. My heart goes out to you.

You've managed to express so many important things in your letters to Stormy. The whole situation with losing her is a rotten deal. I think you've shown courage in your writing and sharing your feelings.

I'll be interested to hear how it goes with seeing the kits on Sunday. I've had a chance to be on both sides of that fence in my lifetime. In 2006 I tried to get a pup a bit too soon and needed to backtrack; I was still grieving my previous furry girl too hard. (I joyfully took home the same pup just a few weeks later, overjoyed that she was still available.) But currently, I've wished for another for some time, yet I've needed to first let an injury resolve, plus I want a certain breed, which will require research and lead time. Having a quiet home this long hasn't helped.

I am smiling at the thought that a baby might help to ease some of the hardest edges of your grief. Their antics can be such a feast for the eyes and heart. So keep us posted about the visit.

I hope you get some times of relief. I know feeling even a bit better can help, especially after some huge waves of grief roll in. 

Take care of you.



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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #43 
Hey Catie,

Thank you for the words of encouragement and just checking in on me. I’m making it through the days. The grief still comes when I least expect it, like at the dentist this morning. I guess it’s going to be that way for a while. It is definitely still fresh. In a lot of ways, it feels like it was just yesterday. I’ll do the best I can to keep getting things out in my letters to Stormy. Thanks for continuing to read them. If I summon the courage to detail the surrounding issues, I’ll do it...

Will definitely let you know how it goes with the kittens. The humane Society up in Phoenix has probably 25 kittens all under 1 year old available, so I at least want to take a look. I can’t imagine not feeling better at least a little if I have a little bugger climbing all over me.

Take care of yourself, too.

PS - when I first read your message, “particular breed” first looked like “ particular bread”. I started laughing a little thinking, “wow. That sweet potato bread is so good apparently that she wants the recipe for it before getting another pet...”

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #44 
Just got the call that the vet has Stormy's ashes back. I will probably go pick them up tomorrow. Bittersweet. Want her back, but not ready for the slap of reality.
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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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Snowfire

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Reply with quote  #45 
Two days ago it as a month to the day I lost Timber and got him a week and a half later. Lost him on a Monday then they called me at work following Tuesday but didn't pick up his ashes until that Friday. So know how you feel for sure. If you need get another kitty though will be different. You have much love to give and a lot of animals have too. It does help. For first time in fifty years I have no cat and wish could get one. My dog never took to other ones except Bandita and Timber. Guess will have to wait until later after she passes with me and our pets lived until mid or late teens. She's only seven.
Best always and let us know what happens.
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