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Ginger4256

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Reply with quote  #16 
David, I am sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. Take your time grieving. No one can tell you when it get easier. My boo has been gone over two weeks now and my emotions are still very raw. Take care of yourself the best you can 😢
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #17 
Euthanasia is one of the most horrible things to cope with. I'm grateful it exists, but emotionally, it's a nightmare. It's a very hard thing to file, because it doesn't fit anywhere and is this massive, throbbing thing. So much harder when you weren't agreeing.

Yes, sharing so much love with them, both pouring it out to them and receiving. It makes the missing unbearable.

Wishing you comfort and encouragement today.

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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #18 
Snowfire,

It's different, for sure.  There has been no furry kitty making biscuits on my back for the last two mornings.  No happy chattering as I went about my daily routine of getting ready after waking up.  No meowing and purring when I stayed up late and finally crawled into bed.  Just tears and more tears.  I too, feel for everyone else going through this...I hate it so much.

Ginger,

Thank you.  I definitely won't let anyone rush me.  The grief will end when it ends - even if that's long after I get another kitten.  As long as I've got this community, I'll be ok.  You guys understand the pain.  And aside from a crappy experience in the chat room the other day, this has been a wonderful place to be.

Catie,

Thank you for the wishes of encouragement.  My heart felt heavy as I woke up this morning.  I sat on the bed for a while and took the little plastic bag that I have some fur clippings from Stormy in, and just held it to my heart for a while and closed my eyes.  Best thing I ever did Saturday was making sure that the fur I clipped from her was right over her heart, so at least I can make it as close as possible to just touch hearts with Stormy each day.  I don't know how much ashes I'll get back - my wife estimated her weight at being down to about 4-5 lbs on Saturday - but I plan on having ashes at home, possibly at work, and then in a little container locket I found online that I'm going to wear.  Not sure what to do with the fur clippings yet.  I may just put those in a keepsake box and then I can still have my morning heart-to-heart with Stormy before I go about my day, and again at night before bed. 

I'm starting to tear up again as I'm writing this, so I should probably get a note to Stormy written and get back to work before I'm totally useless for the rest of the workday.

David

"If my love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" - Unknown

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #19 
Hi Stormy,

Well, it's Monday.  I had to go back to work today.  I'm having a hard time wanting to be here, but at least it does help to distract my mind somewhat.  Not that I'll ever distract it so much that I forget about you - we were too close for that to ever happen.  You're in my thoughts all day, baby girl.  I wonder how you're getting along at Rainbow Bridge, whether you've met any new friends, whether you've found Dusty and all my former furbabies who preceded you there.  And I wonder if you can see me and know how sad I am that I'm not with you.

I'm sorry, Stormy.  I know you don't want me to be sad, you don't want me to cry...but right now, that's about all I feel like doing.  I slept for what seemed forever yesterday afternoon, and I honestly thought I felt you come to me in my dreams, but as quickly as I felt you get there, I got woken up.  I hope you'll come again, sweetheart.  It makes things so much easier when it feels like you're right there with me. 

I keep thinking back to Saturday.  I'm sorry, sweetheart - I'm sorry you were so frightened as we got in the van for that last ride.  Please believe me, if there was anything I could've done, I would have - but what I did was the only choice I had if I wanted to be by your side as you made your journey, because whether or not you were going to make it between then and today was a battle I had already lost - and you know I fought like crazy to win that one.
I love you, Stormy.  Thank you for everything you meant to me.  Thank you for pleading with me to take a chance on you that day - I've never regretted it one minute. 

I wrote some words to a song for you, sweetheart...you probably remember the tune, because I've played it before (The Old Man, by Phil Coulter)...

 

 

The tears are being shed now

 

You're gone - you've closed your eyes

 

I've rubbed your chest, your soul's at rest

 

And now I am alone

 

You were more than just my kitty

 

You were my special friend

 

And I don't know how I can make it now

 

That you're not coming home

 

 

 

I never will forget you

 

You brought joy to my world

 

Even though you’re gone

 

Memories linger on

 

Goodbye, Stormy...my little girl...

 

 

 

We often played together

 

With mice, and balls, and strings

 

And laser pointers, flashlight beams,

 

And lots of other things

 

Other times, we would just sit there

 

And I would scratch your head

 

At night when I would go to sleep

 

You’d curl up in my bed.

 

 

 

I never will forget you

 

You brought joy to my world

 

Even though you’re gone

 

Memories linger on

 

Goodbye, Stormy...my little girl...

 

 

 

The end, it came too quickly

 

The years flew by too fast

 

And one bright day you sadly lay

 

In my arms as you breathed your last

 

I sat and cried and kissed you

 

Until I had to go

 

But Stormy there is something now

 

That I want you to know

 

 

 

I never will forget you

 

You brought joy to my world

 

Even though you’re gone

 

Memories linger on

 

Goodbye, Stormy...my little girl...

 


I'll write again later, baby girl.  I've got to get back to work now.  I love you!

Love,
Daddy


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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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Snowfire

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Reply with quote  #20 
Me too. I lost my best friend who was always there for me. The loss of my parents, mom's pets and mine. I told my friends my hurt they get it but faraway. My in-laws mean to me a lot though I came here in my brother's wishes. I'm trying to get a small place together on my own. I came home but don't feel at home. I'm hoping to fix that as soon as I can.
Well I'll go try to do chores to stop crying too.
May tomorrow be happier for all of us. Darn wish a rainbow was out as special to my late mom and I.
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #21 
Dear Stormy,

The grief of your leaving is hitting me fresh this morning.  I have had tears in my eyes since I woke up, and I feel like I'm going to just break down in anguished sobs any second now.  I don't feel like I really can, though, because all my co-workers will think I've completely lost my mind.  Pumpkin tries his best to fill your shoes during my morning routine, to sit on the bathroom counter and make sure I don't forget to shave, brush my teeth, or get dressed - and while I love him dearly, it's never going to be the same as if you were there.  For one thing, he's not chattering away talking to me, telling me about all his adventures during the night while I slept, like you used to do.  Chip is just being herself.

This is so hard, Stormy.  Like someone said the other day, I've got a deep level of hurt that goes beyond just missing you.  And the problem is, I can't really express that at home, and you know why.  So I feel almost like I have to put on a front there, and then when I'm not there, I can let the grief out.  Which probably isn't very healthy, but at least it's healthier than NEVER letting the grief out.

I looked at some ads yesterday mentioning baby kittens needing new homes.  There were some really cute ones, including some that looked almost like miniature versions of you.  I know I can't expect them to act like you and have your personality...no one, no cat, no puppy, no hedgehog, etc, is ever going to replace you and completely fill the void in my heart from your passing.  I don't know if any will come to live with us or not.  Sometimes I start thinking about how I'd love another kitten right now because I know their antics will help me smile again, but then other days (like today), the only thing I want is the thing I can't have - you back with me and healthy.  And when I DO think about smiling and laughing, I feel so guilty - like I'm dishonoring your memory by allowing myself to be happy at all right now.

I know I'll have your ashes back soon - I'm guessing later this week, if not today, whenever your Mama picks them up when she goes to work.  I know that's going to bring a fresh round of tears and agony for me.  But, you'll be back where you belong.  And, you'll finally get to come to work with me and go other places with me, as well as be right by my bedside every day when I awaken and every night when I go to bed.

I love you, Stormy girl.  Keep meeting new friends at the Bridge and having fun running, playing, and being healthy.  Just don't forget me, ok?  I'm looking forward to meeting you there one day...wait for me, and me only, sweetheart...please?

Love always,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #22 
David, I'm so sorry the grief has been swamping you afresh. Unfortunately, so soon after the loss, it just doesn't seem to let up. 

You are doing very hard and important work, in processing your feelings and expressing yourself.  It's a beautiful letter to Stormy, from the depths of your heart and out of your anguish.

You are right, that letting it out, even when portions of it very unfortunately can't be expressed at home, is vital. My heart hurts for you about all of that and reading between the lines, perhaps I'm imagining the essence of it. I wish things were different.

I think for most here, receiving the ashes makes for a very tough day. Somehow that container makes it all seems more real, while our hearts are still denying that the loss even could have happened.  

Such stark pain and a deeply aching heart! I wish any of us, your friends here, had words that could lift the grief away. But we can journey with you in thought. May you have much strength, walking through these hard days, and may some real comfort and encouragement find you.



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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #23 
Catie,

Thank you for your response - you said a lot of things I needed to hear, and your words lifted my spirits, even if only for a short time.

I wish things were different, too, regarding the essence of why I can't let things out at home.  I truly wish I could go into detail...I may try eventually, but when I tried to detail my anguish the other night in the chat room, it started taking directions that just made me hurt worse.  I don't think any of you who have posted here would do what was done that night, but that's probably the biggest reason I'm reluctant to get any of that off my chest.  Suffice for now to say that part of the essence of my grief not being able to be shown at home is a large contributor to the level of my grief - if that makes any sense at all.

Oh, I have no doubt that the day I get the ashes back is going to be rough.  You're right, it's going to be like reality slapping me in the face with a load of bricks.  Thankfully, though, getting the container locket and the urn(s) will help with that somewhat, as I will then be able to have my Stormy with me everywhere, tangible, not just a memory.

I'm grateful for all of you being able to journey with me in thought through this.  I can't imagine how unbearable it would be if I were trying to do all of this alone with absolutely no support (I know there are Pet Loss Support groups around my town, but my schedule and other things combine to probably make attending those unfeasible).  It's amazing to me that, even at my age, I still sob like a little kid at times like this.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just surprises me at times.  I'm still exhausted, and I'm noticing other physical aspects of the stress I've been under since Saturday...nothing major, but just evidence that the grief and stress are still there very much.

Have a good day, and may all of us find some small measure of joy in our awake hours.

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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LuvTank1

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Reply with quote  #24 
You are not alone, we all share in your grief and sadness.   Hope the pain eases a bit soon for you and so many others on here.

My baby below, I miss him so much.  :(

14102630_1631620227129587_9183431795054178428_n.jpg 


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Cammy Ripley
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Ginger4256

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Reply with quote  #25 
We are all in pain, same as you.  You are not alone.  
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #26 
Ginger / Cammy,

I know.  Thank you for the reassurance.

That bulldog's face is so adorable...thanks for bringing a smile to my face with that... 😉  I know you miss him.

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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LuvTank1

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Reply with quote  #27 
I miss him terribly.   And, I'm glad he made you smile, he loved to make people happy!


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Cammy Ripley
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #28 
My Dear Stormy,

It's now Day 4 of waking up without you, since your sweet purr was stilled forever at the vet's office.  I guess today it's back to the numb state, because I don't feel like tears are about to break out.  But, I guess that doesn't necessarily mean they won't come unexpectedly later on.  For now, I'll accept numb.

I miss you so much, Stormy.  I miss the way you would climb up on me in the mornings and meow and purr to get me out of bed after you detected the first signs of my stirring.  I still remember how much you hated that alarm clock I used to have when you first came home with me...that buzzer was so annoying to you that if I didn't get up, you went over to the shower and started rapidly banging your paws on the shower doors...as if to say, "Hey, Dad - I can make annoying noises too! Now turn that off!"

I miss the feeling of you pressed up against the back of my knees, nestled right in the bend as I lay in the bed at night.

I miss your happy little purr when you'd first hear me come home after I'd been at work or elsewhere out of the house, and you'd come trotting around the corner or out of the bedroom.

I miss how you would seek me out at night, even after kids came along, that while I was sitting in the room with them to get them to sleep, you'd come climb up in my lap to keep me company.

I miss watching you chase the laser pointer around the room.

I miss how, when I would rub your belly with my foot, you'd grab my shoe with your paws and play bite it like you'd just caught prey.

I miss you coming in at 1am with your fuzzy ball, dropping it on my face, and meowing until I played fetch with you.

I miss how, when we'd take you to your Grandmeow and Grandpurr's house, you'd climb up in the bed with me at night and snuggle right up against my belly.

I remember the first night at home after your Mama and I got back from our honeymoon, how we were trying to snuggle in the bed, and you just purposefully walked yourself right up the middle of the bed between us, wiggled out a spot to lie down in right between us and up next to my tummy, looked at me, and then looked at Mama like, "I loved him first and was here first, and don't you forget it."

I miss so many things about you, Stormy.  You took a huge part of my heart with you when you left on Saturday.  And you left me with a huge ache of emptiness.  With you, I never had to worry about whether you were happy with me, because I don't think you ever were mad at me - well, except for the one time I took you to have your picture made with Santa...and after that ordeal was over, you climbed back in your carrier without my help and glared at me like, "Dad, that was embarrassing - can we go home now?" 

Even at the times when I'd yell at you because you pulled my hair or got over-stimulated (I guess) and bit me hard enough to draw blood, you'd still come back after things had calmed down and climb back in my lap.  The only times you ever complained about something I did or didn't do was when I'd put you in the carrier to go to the vet or somewhere else, or when your food bowl was empty.  You never griped that the food wasn't good enough, you never complained that I didn't pay you enough attention, you never once hinted that I wasn't perfect enough for you...

I feel so guilty, baby girl.  Were you trying to tell me for the last couple of weeks that you were ready to go and I just wasn't listening?  You sure didn't act like you were ready on Saturday...at least not until we got to the clinic, and even then, I think that was more a look of resignation than anything else - almost like you had given up fighting but still didn't really want to leave.  My heart is in agony thinking about that.  I feel guilty that I maybe missed the signs of you telling me it was time for you to go, but I also feel guilty that I maybe didn't do everything in the world possible to save you or give you more time with me.  We had talked about switching out your diet - I have my doubts that ever happened, because I wasn't the one who knew what to pick up for that.  I wonder if that would've helped you any.  Please don't be upset with me, baby girl.

I really want to just stay here writing you, but I know I probably need to get to work and try to push through the numbness and get something done.  You're not out of my thoughts, though, Stormy. I look forward to the day we see each other again at Rainbow Bridge.  Until then, you'll always be in my heart.

I love you.

Love,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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LuvTank1

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Reply with quote  #29 

Hi Stormy's Daddy.    Your posts to your baby are so heartfelt, sad and touching.
Hope you are feeling at least a little better.

Take care, Tank's Mom.  

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Cammy Ripley

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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #30 
Hi Cammy,

Thank you for the encouragement.  I'm trying to feel better without pushing myself faster than my mind and heart want to go.  Right now, everything is such a rollercoaster.  One day I'm ready to bawl my eyes out, the next I'm just numb and semi-emotionless, able to laugh on occasion, and then feeling guilty for laughing and smiling.  Today is the first day I've been able to think of all the things I wrote in my last post and not be on the verge of tears as soon as they came into my head...so I'm trying to believe that's me feeling a little better, as opposed to me feeling numb...because while they're happy memories, it's sad to think I won't have them actually happening anymore, at least not with Stormy.

I sat down last night and ordered an urn necklace and dog tag so that I can take some of Stormy's ashes (whenever they come back) with me wherever I go...and I darn near started crying again as I typed out how I wanted to have the tag inscribed...


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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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