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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #181 
Hi David,

Such beautiful, deeply heartfelt letters to Stormy. I don't know what it is about writing, but written words seem to dip out substance, essence, emotions from our hearts in a way almost nothing else does. 

I know. There is a sense in which the pain seems completely unmovable, unaltered. Yet beyond doubt, times are better than at first. I'm certainly grateful for that. Yet the loss is such a mountain in our souls, to navigate around.

I'm so sorry you've had these scares with Skye. Just like kids, I guess they see a boundary and feel an urgent need to cross it sometimes. I hope she will lose her interest in the garage and stop her escape tactics. 

It is really sweet to hear that Skye curled up behind your knees like Stormy used to. Lovely! I hope Skye's resemblance to Stormy will continue to comfort you.

Tough season with fall changes and the holidays rapidly approaching. I hope you are truly on the mend physically and I trust you'll have just the right portion of strength to get through your days. Especially the extra hard ones. You're in my thoughts, friend. 



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JennyTeddy

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Reply with quote  #182 
David,

Your letters to Stormy are beautiful. I know your heart weighs heavier and heavier each day, week, month that passes. It’s so hard without our babies by our sides. Know that Stormy is always with you, there is no place she would rather be even in spirit.
I wanted to thank you for visiting Teddy’s thread and checking on me during the Paradise fires. While on Pinterest looking at quotes I came across this one and it made me think of you and your baby girl Stormy. Sending you many hugs and comfort.

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jpeg 9C2B2EDA-58C2-4A9E-9BAE-F3E24CFD3912.jpeg (222.62 KB, 3 views)


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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #183 
Thank you, Catie and Jenny, for dropping in and for your words of encouragement.  I always appreciate them.  And Jenny, thank you so much for that quote...brought me to tears, but it made me smile, too. 😉

It really is tough, dealing with all of this.  And yet, despite the pain, despite knowing the pain that will come, I choose to go through everything over and over again.  I went through it with my wife's cat several years ago, I'll probably go through it some day with her younger cat and the stray we took in, and I'll go through it with Skye, and of course all our puppies.  But I wouldn't trade one second of time with them.  They really do help calm me, lower my blood pressure, release my stress, etc...and that's even with me not really talking to them.  It's even better when I DO talk to them, because I can just talk, listen to them purr or feel them breathe, and know that they're listening and not going to run away from me because of anything I say.

Wednesday is 7 months.  As I think back on it, there are so many things I wish had gone differently, or that I wonder, "should I have said this? What would've happened?"  I guess I still am beating myself up (not consciously) that I should've been more vocal about changing Stormy's diet, since I don't think anything was ever done about that. 

I hope the upcoming holidays will help a little, as long as I can get outside and have some activities.  In one sense, that's a blessing that things happened when they did - because it's given me 7 months to heal (even if I don't feel like I've healed a lot), so I can be around family without just wanting to hide all day.  If this had happened within the last month, Thanksgiving would've been massively ruined, and if it had happened within the last week or so, Christmas would've been ruined - because I'd have been so depressed, I wouldn't have wanted to do anything at all.  But everyone here has helped me through that, at least to a point where I don't go around with the thought, "No one understands how I feel" anymore.

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #184 
Dearest Stormy,

Merry Christmas, baby girl. It feels so strange writing those words, because how can anything be very merry when you're not here with me? Last week was 7 months. 7 long months. Some days I think I'm doing ok, and then other days, I wonder just how I'm able to hold everything together.

I'm still having a rough time forgiving myself, Stormy. How could I not have realized that your diet was never modified? I know there's no guarantee that it would have made a difference or even that it would have bought you any more time, but I still feel like I failed you.

And then the way everything unfolded on your last day. You looked so scared, baby girl. And I'm sure you were, because you were trying to get out of my arms inside the van. Instead of you having a peaceful passing, it seemed filled with terror for you. I'm so sorry.

I hope you can forgive me, Stormy. And I hope that one day I am able to forgive myself.

This is my first Christmas without you. Not that we've never been apart at Christmas before, but that you won't be there to greet me when I get home. I dread it...just like I have dreaded a lot of other times over the past 7 months.

I hope you have a good day at the Bridge, Stormy. If it's possible, I sure would love for you to visit me in my dreams sometime soon. I miss you so much, and I long for the feeling of your fur rubbing on me and hearing your sweet meow again. I hold on to the hope of a joyous reunion one day when we will never again have to part.

I love you, Stormy. To the end of the known universe and back again.

Love,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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JennyTeddy

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Reply with quote  #185 
David,

Thinking of you and your precious Stormy on this Christmas morning. It's at special times that we miss our babies the most. May all the wonderful memories you and Stormy shared together bring you comfort and fill your heart with warmth, knowing she is always with you. Wishing you peace at Christmas and all year. Sending many hugs and comfort. ❤️🎄

Jenny & Teddy

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #186 
David, 

I'm sorry for how much you are suffering during this holiday and for the excruciating, sharp pangs that come at strategic times, like arriving home. The loss is terrible in its scope, its depth, its intensity. And I'm so sorry you're still stricken with guilt. Your heart held only love for precious Stormy. I dearly hope those feelings will start to ease before long. Remembering the awfullest times takes such a toll.

I've thought so many times, how very much I wished I had a balm, an ointment with effective relief to soothe all of our hearts. Yet we all wrestle our way onward, in spite of the pain of bereavement and the crushing disappointment that rears its head again and again. 

No wise words here. Just understanding. And hoping better, easier days will come your way. Hugs and Merry Christmas to you...





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Catie
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #187 
Just dropping you a little note, David. I so hope your holidays went as smoothly as they could and that your heart received much comfort and warmth through this special season. I realize you were very much yearning for Stormy's presence and were missing her dearly as the holidays approached. I also hope that physically you are on the mend. 

These beloved girls mean so much, so very very much to us. It's no wonder our hearts aren't willing to let go but keep aching for a long, long time. 

May you have peace, hope and encouragement in the coming days and I hope 2019 will be extra good to you!

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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #188 

Dear Stormy,

How are you doing, sweet girl?  I hope your days at the Bridge are being filled with new experiences every day, and that you are having a lot of fun and making so many new friends.

I'm sorry I haven't been here in so long.  With everything else I've been dealing with, coming here and potentially reopening old wounds would've just been too much for me to handle.  Oh, how I could stand to have you nuzzling me again!  Your presence just seemed to make everything else tolerable and survivable - like no matter what was going on, it was all going to be ok, because you were right there with me.  Between the struggles with the kids and my own health issues lately, I sure could use your fuzzy whiskers on my cheek again.

I think you must be whispering in Skye's ear from the Bridge, because she is really starting to do a lot of the things you would do with me.  You know how you used to come looking for me at various times of the day if I wasn't where you thought I should be?  Skye's starting to do that now.  I'll be up late, cleaning or cooking in the kitchen, and I hear the little patter of feet, turn around, and see Skye sitting on the counter watching me, like, "Daddy, it's late - when are you coming to bed?"  She'll follow me around as I finish up, turning off lights, opening gates and interior doors, and then watch as I climb into bed, before she either 1) snuggles up at our feet, or 2) goes off to eat or play.

I feel like, in some ways, things have gotten a little better for me, but I know I still get upset and angry over probably minor things that seeem major to me.  Like your memorial.  I had two battery-powered tealight candles with your last pawprints and ashes, and I would light one of the candles on the 19th of every month, and take the other one to work to do the same.  And now they've disappeared.  I strongly suspect that one of the kids swiped them, but I don't know who.  I can probably easily buy replacements somewhere, so I'm probably overreacting to things.  It upsets me, though, because it's like, "Show a little respect for things around here, would you?  First Stormy's fur clippings go missing (and I still haven't found them, probably never will), then you guys almost spill her ashes in the bathtub, now the candles are gone.  Leave her memorial stuff ALONE."  But, I'm not paralyzed with grief like I used to be, though my heart aches for you on a regular basis, and memories still trigger tears and grief.

I miss you so much, Stormy.  I do love all the other pets - that will never change.  But none of them compares to the love and bond I felt for and with you.  You'll always be "mine", even though I may have to share the other pets with other people.  You taught me so much, Stormy, just when I needed it...unfortunately, this last lesson is the hardest of them all.

I love you, baby girl.  Forever and always, always and forever, without end.

Love,
Daddy


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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #189 
Dearest Stormy,

It's been another long week.  9 months is coming up soon - I can't believe it's been that long.  I still miss you as if you left just yesterday.

I did find the candles - our 7-year old had swiped them and put them in his room.  I had to give him a firm talking to about leaving stuff in my bedroom alone, but at least they're back now, and I'll be able to light them on the 19th.

I started crying this morning, just thinking of you.  I don't know what made me want to do it, but I opened up the document where I'd typed out your last will and testament, and my major memories of you, and started reading through that - and before I knew it, I was having one nasty UGA.  Now I'm down in the dumps, so I hope I get some snuggle time with the other pets tonight.

I love you, Stormy.  Always and forever, baby girl.

Love,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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JennyTeddy

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Reply with quote  #190 
David,

Thank you for visiting Teddy’s thread. It warms my heart knowing the quotes I posted on Teddy’s thread gave you comfort too. I know Stormy’s 9 months is coming up 💔 it doesn’t feel that long, it feels like just yesterday. The pain is still the same and it hasn’t gotten easier 💔 sending you hugs and comfort. Thinking of you and your baby girl Stormy 🐱🐾

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #191 
David,

Thank you for your encouraging words and visit to my thread recently. I much appreciated your kindness. 

It sounds like life hasn't let up with stresses and travails in your world. I hope you are feeling better physically as time goes on, though you mentioned ongoing health issues. 

I am just so sorry about the UGA that snuck up and swamped you. You must have unintentionally bumped into some precious memories in that document and rekindled the "missing" fiercely. I so hope that your day got better, as that's a really tough way to start out.

Such a love, and such kinship between you and Stormy! Sweetest girl and uniquely yours, with her special ways and warmth.  She has always sounded like a very companionable, little creature. 

My heart is touched, reading of the ways Skye has started doing things similar to Stormy more and more. I love that she is following you at night, expectantly looking for you to retire. 😉

I'm sure it's been very frustrating to have various items of Stormy's disappear. I'm glad the tealights were found. 

I realize marking off another month doesn't come easily. Hope there will be time and space for you to be gentle and extend kindness to yourself around that time. You certainly deserve it.  Sending warm thoughts and best of wishes for your heart to be comforted, David!

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Catie
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #192 
Jenny and Catie,

Thank you for your heartfelt words of encouragement.  They are always much appreciated, as they remind me there are those who understand and "get it", even when I think those around me don't.

Yes, I am starting to feel better physically.  Dr. told me my blood sugar was on the high side, so I'm trying to change my diet (which is a struggle) and see if I can't get that down and drop some weight.  I'm down 40-45 lbs since I broke my ankle, and I'm not even halfway to where I need to be.

Yes, reading that document brought a lot of things to mind.  Just reminded me of all the memories that made Stormy special.  Especially what I typed out as her last will and testament...that's where I completely lost it...

Stormy’s Last Will and Testament

To Pumpkin, I leave my love of annoying Chip. 

To Chip, I leave my position of feline matriarch of the household. 

To Pumpkin, Chip, Sandstorm, Eclipse, and Blizzard – I leave Daddy’s lap, where I got many an ear scratch or backrub and spent many a moment napping with him on the couch.

To Pumpkin and Chip (and if Mommy and Daddy so choose, to Sandstorm, Eclipse, and Blizzard) I leave the warm spots on Mommy and Daddy’s bed when they’re sleeping so you can curl up with them at night or during naptimes.

To Pumpkin and Chip I leave my catnip mousies, fuzzy balls, water dish, and food bowl, and my love of chasing laser pointer beams.

To Pumpkin and Chip I leave Mommy and Daddy’s bathroom in the mornings for you to keep Daddy company while he gets ready for work.  Don’t forget, after you wake Daddy up, follow him into the bathroom and sit in front of the shower patiently until he’s done.  Then you can climb up to the countertop and watch to make sure he is presentable after he shaves and brushes his teeth, and then after he’s done and dressed, you can follow him around until he heads off to work.  This routine is a very important one…commit it to memory.  Otherwise, there is no telling WHAT Daddy may go to work looking like.

To Daddy, I leave you my fuzzy siblings to continue to give you love and affection the way I was able to, and for you to be able to pass on to them the love and affection you showed to me.

To Daddy, I leave you my permission for you to open your home to another pet in need of a forever family.  I know that you will care for him/her just the way that you did me.

To Daddy – I leave you all of the memories of my life with you, not to cause you sorrow or pain, but to help you in those times of grief to have pleasant times to think back on and remember.  I know that there will never be another pet who will completely fill the hole in your heart that my leaving creates, but I hope these memories will serve as a band-aid of sorts for you so that you may feel free to show and guilt-free about showing your love and affection to other pets who come your way.  I know that you didn’t want to see this day come, and I will always love and appreciate you for fighting for me and defending me to try and prevent me going before it was my time.

Also to Daddy, I leave you my forever gratitude for you choosing to let me adopt you even though I may not have fit the category of cat you were looking for initially, for you showing unconditional love and acceptance to me over these many years, and the knowledge that we will see each other again at the Rainbow Bridge.

 

Stormy McWaters

Born: August 2003

Adopted: August 2007

Went to Rainbow Bridge: May 19, 2018

Ok, I'm crying just copying and pasting that now...

I'm glad Skye does a lot of the things Stormy used to do, too.  I'm hoping she continues to want to snuggle up to me on the couch - other stuff like being picked up or curling up behind my knees or against my chest in bed at night may come later, but that's ok...she's still not even a year old yet, so she's really active at night...

I'd better get back to work, but I wanted to stop in and say thank you to both of you for your responses the other day.  May the days be good to the two of you as well, in the midst of your own grief.


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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #193 
Dearest Stormy,

Happy Valentine's Day, little girl.

I feel bad that I never really celebrated many special days with you.  I always meant to in the back of my mind, but for one reason or another, it just never went farther than that.  Probably because I didn't want the other pets getting jealous, and I can barely keep straight who was born when and who came to live with us when.  I should have made it a point to do special little holiday treats for you - I know you had your Temptations treats that you loved so much, but you got those ALL the time.

I hope that you are having a good day at the Bridge today.  The weather is starting to take a small turn for the worse.  I'm hoping it holds off, as I'd like to get out of the house tomorrow for the day.

I miss you, Stormy.  I look forward to the day when we can see each other again and never part.  Of course, I'll have a lot more furbabies by then, but at the Bridge, you won't be scared of them or anything...so we can all hang out together. 😉

Love always,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #194 
Hi David,

That is an amazing piece, the last will and testament you wrote for Stormy! Very detailed and containing so many precious elements!  That bathroom regimen must have meant so very much to you both. I don't know how it is, that simply by their presence and waiting and being attentive that they offered so much comfort and company to us. It certainly sounds like your Stormy adored you! I know you miss those naps together greatly. 

It's good to hear that you are getting better health wise. I'm sorry for how difficult the weight loss is. You've made some real strides, though!  I hope the changes start to come more easily. Sugar is a really tough thing to turn down!

Hoping as 2019 goes on, it will bring more ease, more healing of your heart, and many gentler days. I hope as Skye continues to adapt and mature and the two of you grow closer, that she will exhibit many endearing and affectionate ways. 

As always, best to you!

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Catie
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #195 
Dear Stormy,

Another sad anniversary, little one - 9 months since you left me to make your final journey to the Bridge.

Today has been rather subdued.  I can tell I'm a little cranky, and memories of you have been weighing heavily on my mind today, but I'm trying to fight through it just like you taught me. 

I don't even know what to write today.  So much I want to say, about how special you were, how loved you were, how much you mean to me...but the words just won't come.  The feelings are there, though - never doubt that.  Maybe some sensible ideas will come to me soon. Right now, everything is just a jumbled mess, much like life in general has been these last 9 months.

I love you, Stormy - more than words can ever describe.  And I always will.  I hope to see you again one day, baby girl.  And we will never part from that moment on.

Love,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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