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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #121 
Goodness, where did three days go?  

David, I hope you are having as good a weekend as possible. I hope the shock and hurt about the fur has lessened. I truly hope it has showed up, but i realize that may not occur, since you've searched and searched. I very much hated that it disappeared and wounded your heart further. 

I was glad to read that you were able to have a little heart to heart with your daughter and help her reflect that there are certain beloved things in her possession that would grieve her to lose also!

Wow, I think it was brilliant that you used play-doh to make a paw print. I ran to a craft store nearby the day I lost Marissa and picked up one of the little kits, but it was terrible. I tried and tried to get a good impression but I only got a very very poor representation. I tried unsuccessfully with ink also.  I had a cup of play-doh in my closet and it never occurred to me to pull it out and use that. (I finally pulled out my phone and took a picture of each paw. Best I could do. I was determined to have something related to her paws. Kind of desperate, at that point.)

You are very often in my thoughts about your journey with Stormy. The ups, the downs, the UGAs, the seeming okay-ness, then another onslaught, the abiding sadness that can hover like storm clouds. A spontaneous joyous memory tinged by the sting of the way that can't be duplicated now. And the longings. We've all been there, we all are there. There is camaraderie in hearing each other's experience of this grief thing. But sheesh, I wish you didn't have to find your way through it. Tough stuff!

Wishing you gentle days, encouragement and comfort, David.  Take good care!



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Catie
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #122 

Catie,

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Yes, the shock has lessened a bit The hurt, I don't know - I'm not going around 100% depressed, sad, and angry, but unfortunately, now looking at the top of the chest of drawers where the ashes and framed pawprint are is a stark reminder of what's missing. But, not much I can do about it - if the fur turns up, it turns up. If it doesn't, I can either just live with my screw-up, or try to fake the fur clippings as I mentioned last week, which I'm still not sure is the best of ideas.

Yes, having that heart-to-heart with my younger daughter helped, I think. She wasn't happy that I was so upset over the fur, and hopefully the talk we had helped her see that Dad's not being unreasonable. It'd be one thing if it were something like, "Oh, Dad's mad that one of 10 catnip mice disappeared."...but when you're talking something that is a physical connection to your beloved pet, that truly is one-of-a-kind and can't be duplicated or replaced, that's a whole different story.

Much like you with Marissa, I was desperate to have a pawprint of some sort with Stormy. I don't know that the one the vet tech did was especially "great", but then , I'm not sure mine was either. I just hope that I'm able to keep it from being broken through the years. I don't know how well playdough holds up long term, but hopefully it will suffice.

Your travelling (and others' travelling) this journey with me has and always will be much appreciated. I totally agree, there is definitely a camaraderie among those who have lost pets. We "get it" as someone stated on another post a while back.

May you have a peace-filled day today with happy thoughts and memories of Marissa.

 


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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #123 
Dearest Baby Stormy, It's been a few days since I wrote. I hope my not coming every day isn't a sign that I'm forgetting or loving you any less.  It just seems like everything is so busy these days that finding time to sit down and write out my thoughts doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to.

I haven't found your fur clippings.  I feel so bad about that - the last thing you gave me, and I couldn't even keep up with it. :( I'm still hoping against hope that the bag will turn up somewhere, but I'm not very positive that it will.  And so I must try to put that behind me and move on.

I miss you so much, Stormy.  You and I went through so much together.  My grieving over the breakup that led me to seek you out in the first place, all the rough spots in the early years of marriage, the trials of adopting the kids, the overall stress of just me feeling like no matter what I did, it was never enough or good enough for anybody.  You stayed by me through all of it, never complaining, never expecting me to be quiet, and best of all, never expecting me to be perfect. 

How I wish we could have had another several years together!  Something about you just made me feel so much better inside - like no matter what else was going on, there was your sweet face to calm me down and tell me it was all gonna be ok. 

I still can't bring myself to put in your cat sitter DVD, though I'm sure Skye would get a kick out of it.  I opened the medicine cabinet yesterday, and a couple of your pill bottles fell out.  I'm glad you don't need the meds anymore, but that was just another stark reminder of how you're no longer here.  I'm sure there are other things of yours that I can't even begin to think about getting rid of.  Thankfully they're not out in the open where I see them all the time, because I don't think I could handle that many triggers on a regular basis.

I want to cry each and every time I write to you.  Even though I'm not walking around bawling randomly like I did at first, I am amazed at how writing about my memories seems to open up the floodgates for my tears.  I'm so thankful I was able to find this forum to write about you, because it's really the only way I have to talk about it with people who understand the pain.  I thought briefly about attending a pet loss support group, but I don't know if I'll still do that or not.  In some ways, I feel like it might help me, but in other ways, I feel like it might be too painful to revisit those initial days of your passing again right now - I have to revisit them enough in my mind and heart whenever I'm at home as it is. 

I love you, Stormy.  That will never change - no matter how many other pets I adopt, no matter how much time passes.  You will forever be in my thoughts and memories, as you were the first to say, "I want you!"  I hold tightly to the hope that I will be able to see you again one day.

I love you to the end of the known universe and back, baby girl.

Love,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #124 
Hi David, 

I hope that today was one of the easier days for you. This journey definitely has rough spots when the pangs grow stronger, when something triggers and reverberates like a gong or when a memory rushes in and overwhelms for a bit.

You express so clearly in your letter to Stormy how deeply her acceptance affected you and helped to buffer things during some of your life's most stressful times. I hear you, relate and very much get that. No longer having her in that role is a massive loss.

It's remarkable that a creature so small without the benefit of human language, but with a huge heart, can become such an anchor and in a sense strengthen our souls. The world we live in does not ooze compassion. But pets with their guileless faces are sooo open, genuine, companionable and kind. They are not intellectual. But when we're hurting, we don't seek out a heady discussion, but for our hearts to be hugged. I can't fathom how they did it, but Stormy, Marissa, Tankie, Scooter, Max, and all the other babies we've come to appreciate here, they hugged out hearts. Every time we came home, there was a hug with fur on, waiting for us. No wonder we miss them immeasurably!

I wish you ever-so-much peace, comfort and healing, day by day. 

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Catie
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #125 
Man, you’re both making me bawl!! Each and every description of paws and hugs and fur filled bundles of love! They meant the world to us didn’t they? We think they need us and in the end it’s quite the opposite😔🐾
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Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #126 

They sure did, Lynn. Mean the world! Hugs to you!


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Catie
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #127 
I agree, Lynn.  I always say, I didn't adopt Stormy - she adopted me. 
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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #128 
Hope this week is going alright for you, David!
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Catie
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #129 
Dear Stormy,

It’s nearing the 2 month anniversary of your leaving. I honestly don’t know know how I’m going to feel next Thursday. I’m starting to wonder if the idea of my feeling any better is just because with so much going on at home, and with work, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of time to grieve, so all those hurts are just shoved down inside by now, where they can’t affect my concentration often.

I think I may try to put together a memory box for you soon. Of course, the fur clippings that I wanted in there are missing still, but at least I’ll have some photos, the paw print in the play dough, and maybe some other things in there. And I’m going to keep it out of reach of the kids this time.

I miss you so much, sweet Stormy. I miss the cute way you would look at me when you wanted something, or when you would jump on me after I woke up in the mornings. I miss having you snuggled up behind my computer when I was working on it, or trying to swat at the mouse as I moved it around on the table. I miss how you followed me around the house so much. I miss getting to feed you your treats every day.

I guess I’d better get to bed. I love you forever and a day, baby girl. To end end of the known universe and back.

Love,
Daddy

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #130 
I'm so sorry for the approach of this anniversary, David. It is so truly a long, hard journey.  

It's got to be tough, not having optimal time and space in which to process your thoughts and to let yourself grieve. I hope some of the busy-ness and pressures can subside. Not at all that I want you to hurt, but just for you to be able to get any current pain through the pipeline, if possible. 

Each of Stormy's attributes and frequent activities you mentioned in your latest letter to her sound so endearing. I would have loved seeing her try to bat at your mouse, following close and leaping onto you. Such a lovely friend she was!!

Keep taking care of you and best wishes for a good and gentle weekend.

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Catie
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #131 
Dear Stormy,

Today is your two month angel-fur-sary.  And another horrible Saturday is coming - 10 weeks.  I can't believe it's already been that long.  It sure doesn't seem like it.  I don't even really look forward to Saturdays anymore...maybe I will again one day, but right now, it's too soon.

I really don't know how I'm doing these days.  I miss you terribly, but I think my mind is stuck as to how to grieve you now.  I look at your little memorial section of my dresser, and the sadness wells up within me, and a dull ache in the pit of my stomach and in my heart, but no tears will come.  Our oldest said something the other day about how your Mama got a bunch of pictures developed and that several were of you, and THAT made me want to tear up a little, but again, nothing would come forth except for that darn aching feeling again.  I keep thinking I should get a nice urn for your ashes, but several things seem to be keeping me from doing that.  Same with the memory box.

I found one of the laser pointers you liked to chase.  Fittingly, it's inoperative...I think I even tried replacing the battery, and it's still not working.

*Sigh* Why...why did your little body have to get so messed up?  And not just messed up, but messed up to the point that your mama always got mad and surly about it?  I think that's the hardest thing I'm having to deal with is those memories...how it wasn't your fault that your body started messing up, and I really don't think it was "your" fault that you weren't using the litterbox...but she sure did want to blame you a lot.  I still can't forgive myself for not pushing the "changing your diet" issue.  I feel like I failed you when you most needed me.  I hope you can forgive me, Stormy - and I hope that one day I'll be able to forgive myself.  The final moments and images of you are seared into my mind and heart indelibly, it feels like.

And now, the tears are coming like a river.  I guess I'd better go and try to compose myself somewhat, before my co-workers start prying. The tears are unexpected, but in a strange way, they feel good.

I love you, my sweet baby girl.  As far as the ends of the known universe and back, I will always love you - until eternity has passed.  I hold out hope forever that I will see you at the Rainbow Bridge one day.

Love,
Daddy 


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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #132 
Catie,

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement from earlier this week.  They are much appreciated.  It's definitely tough, and it leaves me in a confused state as far as grieving goes, not really having the optimal time and space to do it...because without being able to actively process it, I'm left trying to search through the clutter in my mind and figure out, "Now where am I in this?"  Ugh.  Maybe when school starts and I can get away from the house more on weekends and be by myself, it will be better.

I hope your week is going well and that you're finding the moments of peace and comfort you need to grieve Marissa...as I hope all of us are finding those moments of peace and comfort that are so desperately needed in these times.

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #133 
David,

I am sorry you are still questioning yourself so painfully. My heart goes out to you. I wished I could say anything wise but I can only tell you that my favored place to grieve is outside in the forest where I am all to myself surrounded by beautiful nature - away from people and their noises. It gives me inner peace and the quietness to listen to my soul. I hope that can be of some help to you.

Hugs

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Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

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msweet13

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Reply with quote  #134 
Dearest David - Thank you for your kind words on Brutus' thread. I think of you and your beloved Stormy and keep you both in my prayers. I wish you warm hugs and blessings of comfort.

wetalkaboutthem.jpg 


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Denise (Brutus' Mom)
Brutus von Dolce
06/19/2006 - 03/16/2018
RIP my sweet beautiful boy
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #135 
Hi David, 

I hope you've had as good a week as possible. My heart goes out to you over Saturdays--I hope yesterday wasn't terribly hard.   And thank you for your kind words to me here a few days back. 

This grief journey can be strange with its fits and starts and times of getting mired and times of going numb. And it is curious, all the tendrils grief has, extending in dozens of directions. It's tenacious, that's for sure. And often sneaky.

It's okay to have spans of time when there's not time or energy to deal with it. Seems like it's there under the surface awaiting attention and for our strength to return.

Finding things like the defunct laser pointer can bring a slew of memories and emotions, even if we have to put a lid on them at the moment. 

I'm especially sorry that things became so complicated about the toileting issues. I have no doubt that you were under pressure once the litter-box issues arose, and neither you nor Stormy deserved that.  I wish there had been a bunch more grace surrounding the situation and the luxury of more time and treatment/dietary adjustments, whatever you would have liked to pursue, to satisfy your mind and heart. I hate that you have this layer to deal with on top of the "regular" grief. I do hope you will be able to release yourself from blame and that this hurt will heal in the days ahead. 

I hope if you are needing some space in which to process your grief, that it will become available to you soon.

You matter and your pain matters.  I wish for you a cozy blanket of comfort to surround your torn heart. Keep taking good and gentle care of you, David! 








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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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