Still struggling with grief and guilt: Wed 10/2
Today as I sit in my office, I am wrought with overwhelming grief and extreme guilt over the loss of my13 year Dachshund and my best friend in the world Autumn Leaves who I allowed to die at the hands of the vet that was supposed to be caring for her, but I cant really blame the vet even thought it would be the coward way out.
No, I can only blame myself for not giving the cancer drugs more time to work, she only had 6 doses before I decided it was time to end her life. I should have paid more attention to the signs that she was sick, I waited too long. I was the one who declined an ultrasound 4 months earlier because I thought I knew better than the vet and because it was just to expensive, now even though it’s too late I would give anything to have Autumn back.
Yes, Autumn’s quality of life had deteriorated fast since the September 16 cancer diagnosis. Towards the end of Autumn’s life, she lost the use of her left leg, the vet said the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and bones. Autumn couldn’t relieve herself on her own and just had no energy. The pain meds were not very effective towards the end. I can never forgive myself for not getting Autumn the care she needed when she needed it. If the shoe was on the other foot, I know Autumn would have spared no expense in getting me the care I needed.
Autumn depended on me and I let her down. This guilt will stay with me for the rest of my life as it should, shame on me. When I think of the good times I had with Autumn, the times of grief and sorrow rear it’s ugly head and overpower the good times. I still cant get the thought out of my head, as we were driving to the vet she was in my wife’s hands looking out the window sniffing the warm Texas air, she was alive but somewhat subdued, then as quickly as she was alive she had passed from the drugs the vet administered. They say it was painless, and why I was glad to have been there for her when she passed part of me wished I hadn’t seen it. To me it was like the air was let out of a balloon, she immediately went limp and she was gone.
I wonder what she was thinking, I wonder if she was afraid, I wonder if she felt any pain. So, the thought I have is she went to the vet alive and came back home in a cardboard box. This thought haunts me and I can’t get it out of my conscious. We buried her in her backyard.
Its only been 4 days, but its not getting any better, in fact it getting worse for me. I just don’t have any jest for life, nothing matters. My wife also loved Autumn but I can tell it wasn’t like I did, sure she cried a little at the vet and appears to have gone back to her little life, and I sense that she is tired of my grieving, she told me yesterday that its not like a human died, No it’s not it’s a lot worse, no comparison. I have no family here I have a brother, sister, mother in other states but I don’t feel like I could talk with them or that they would really understand.
I am thankful for this forum, where complete strangers have become my friends and source for inspiration and healing. I know I have to take on the suffering that I released my sweet Autumn of, and Autumn was strong for me to the end, the least I can do is to be strong for her.
Thank you all for listening…