Mouflesmama
15 weeks ago I put my baby Moufle on my lap and the vet administered the shot. It was very quick. She was gone in less than 4 seconds. The guilt has not subsided. I regret that I did not take even 5 minutes to hold her and tell her how so very much she meant to me. I do not regret putting her to sleep, she was suffering, but I wanted those few last minutes...

Like most of you I catered to her. Every place I moved was on a quiet street and had a yard for her to play in. A year ago I sold my house and could not find an apt or house to rent as my sale was closing. I ended up in a duplex on the corner of a busy street. Moufle never liked it here, she could not go outside as the cars scared her, and the sirens went by. But most of the guilt stems from that last few days.

She was undergoing tests as she had stopped eating. The new vet I had found boarded her for 2 days and gave her fluids. When I picked her up she was so scared she peed all over me. He had clipped ALL of her claws, front and back, without asking permission. When she got home she could no longer navigate the steps to the bed. For the last week of her life she did not sleep with me where she slept for the entire 19 years of her life. I made a bed for her on the floor right beside the bed. More guilt. 

I had to go to work that day and when the vet called and said it wasn't the thyroid we needed an x-ray. Right then I knew. But I did not leave work to be with her as I don't have much vacation time. I will always regret not spending her last day with her.

I got home, petted her for as long as she would let me. She was breathing very fast and labored. I fed her some tuna juice and turned the heat up so she could be warm on the pet bed. Once we got her to the vet and got the xray he called us into the room. I set her box on the floor but left her in it. When he showed the x ray of all the tumors I asked "can we do it now?". I did not want her to suffer one more minute. But then, as soon as I got her out of the box and put her in my lap the vet was back with the shot. It happened so fast. Why oh why didn't I ask for a few minutes? I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her and thank her for all of the many years of wonderful love that she gave me. But I didn't, and then it was too late.

I am really struggling with the guilt. Have any of you found a way to help work through this? I talk to her every night, her ashes are right beside the bed. When I lay down for our usual snuggle time I tell her I love her and all of the things I wish I'd said that day. But I just can't stop thinking how scared she was at that moment and I did not take even just a few minutes to calm her or pet her before the shot..

I know this is a long post. I'm just looking for some help with this, if anyone has any ideas that might help can you please share?

Thank you so much, I know that you all are struggling too...
Cathy
“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”
~Winnie the Pooh
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Gertie
Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain too well. There is no magic answer, just know Moufle is OK, in a better place watching over you. We all have "what if's" When it comes to putting our beautiful babys to sleep. She is now pain free and at peace.
That is how I deal with putting my beautiful Lhasa Duncan to sleep. It is 7 weeks tomorrow. This past w/e was so bad, I have sobbed. I miss him so much. To make things worse I was recovering from shoulder surgery and in a sling, I couldn't drive, I was house bound. I also was just separated from my husband of 24 years. I don't know how to go on but for Duncan's sake I have to.
I hope you find peace, all that love you and your little baby shared will help you through this.

Thinking of you, hugs- Duncan's mom.
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Mouflesmama
Thank you so much Gertie. I am thinking of you tonight after reading your story. Only 7 weeks it must be hard for you. I had shoulder surgery 2 years ago I am sure being housebound is hard for you right now. I am trying to move through it and I hope that you can too. It is not getting any easier for me, not yet.

I am thinking of you too,
Cathy
“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”
~Winnie the Pooh
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Emma
I am so sorry Cathy. What a beautiful girl, your Moufle.

I know how you're feeling. You're feeling these things because you loved her SO much. I think a lot of us (myself included) feel this way when we re-live our last day with our loved ones because we wish we could have given them the world and more.

I know I feel guilty about parts of my last day with my little girl too. And not because I did anything wrong but because if I could have a do-over, I would have done things a little differently. I too, wouldn't have gone to work. But I also didn't know on that last day she was with us, just how sick she was and I knew my husband would keep close watch over her. But I still regret not spending that last day with her. I feel like I too was rushed in making certain decisions, like about what I wanted to do with her body afterwards. With the wind knocked out of me about losing my brown tabby Sydney, I had to make (what felt like) a fast decision about whether to take her home and bury her or have her ashes spread in the garden at the vet or have a private cremation and take her ashes home. I had to make this decision before they put her to sleep and my mind was whirling. I also wanted more time with Sydney. I wish my vet would have said "I'll give her something for her pain. Take an hour with her if you need". I knew I couldn't take her home because her condition was so serious but I certainly wanted more than the 20 minutes I had with her.

No matter how much time we have though, it will never be enough. It could never be enough. The pain of saying good bye was unbearable for me though and I suffered immensely too. So maybe those 20 minutes were a blessing because I would have broken apart myself. More so than I did.

What I do know is this. The love and bond we share with our friends doesn't come down to the last hour we have with them. It is years in the making and we need to remind ourselves that our friends won't suddenly feel betrayed by us in death for our smallest failings in those last hours. They know how much we cherish them and they'll always remember the love we gave them all along the way.

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XosiasMaMa
It's so much easier to say to you, you did nothing wrong. But I understand the doubt. You did the best you could at that moment, and that's all anyone can do. I am going through a very similar story so I know it's so hard to forgive yourself. But remember that you did no intentional harm, and you gave Moufle(I hope I spelled that right!) a wonderful home for 19 yrs. I wish you some peace and healing.  ~Joanne
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