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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #61 
Mistysmama:

  Your words really resonated with me. You said that "years later I still have tears...and am not ashamed of them." Me too. It's been (7) weeks for me and I still cry every day. I said it before and I'll say it again: Grief is so complex. It does not follow any predictable pattern or course. It just engulfs us and swallows our Soul. You will always hold a torch for your beloved Misty, as will I with my Shelby. Nothing wrong with that.

Jim

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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #62 

Dear Marlene.

Thank you for your reply. I am just as thankful for finding this forum, and meeting all of you. If I didn't have this - everyone who's been through the same pain I'm going through right now - I don't think I'd make it.

As for what happened to Lola...it's still not easy to talk about. For one, because we AREN'T actually 100% sure what DID happen. Our vet said she had a stroke, and her little body systematically shut down. She'd had internal bleeding too. By the time we'd gotten her to the vet, her little paws were ice cold. She was in shock by then. Her body temperature was 34°. The vet struggled to find a vein for her IV line, because of her very low blood pressure. The problem is, we live in a rural area. Our vet is 49 km's - approximately 30 miles - away. He is a wonderful vet, don't get me wrong. But...I don't think they are very well equipped. He was, at first, completely baffled as to what was wrong with my girl. So I can't help but wonder...if we'd maybe had better veterinary care... Lola had been PERFECTLY FINE, the previous day and night. I knew my baby SO well, I would have KNOWN if she was even a little off. But she HADN'T been. Then, the next morning, around 5 AM, she vomited in the livingroom - also not really very out of the ordinary for her, as it happened with her sometimes. Lola did have a slightly sensitive tummy. So I let her go outside, where she'd usually eat a bit of grass, maybe vomit again, and then she'd come stand at our back door to be let back in. Only, that morning, she wasn't coming to the door. So I went to check on her, and she was laying on the grass. She couldn't get up. And she stayed there until we were able to take her to the vet (they only opened at 8:00 AM, and didn't answer their phone before that. They don't have after hours/emergency services).

Again, it's very hard for me to talk about it, because I STILL cannot help re-playing it all in my head, and wondering...what if things had been different? If this stupid place we live in had a proper, well equipped, 24-hour vet. It's another reason why I don't think I'd ever get another pup, again. Not while we live here, with sub-par vet care. I dread to think of something similar happening to Pippin. Pippin, who has always had more health issues than my Lola girl ever did. If it could happen to her so suddenly...

Pippin...well, like I said, Pippin isn't always an easy boy to read. BUT, the first few days he definitely was looking for Lola. He associated her with the car. He'd been right there when we'd put her in the car to take her to the vet. And a few days later, I also took Pippin to the vet, just for a check-up. The car seat still smelled like Lola, of course. When we got home, he jumped out of the car, and ran into the house, and ran back out. Looking for Lola. He must have thought that when we got home, she'd be here. And also, whenever we would leave with the car, and come back, Pippin would go nuts, wanting to come check in the car. Thinking we maybe brought Lola back. It broke my heart all over again every time. Like I'd said, we adopted the two of them as puppies, together. But Lola was definitely the "alpha". She wasn't a very social dog - that is to say, she was cautious about new people, and aggressive towards other dogs. Pippin is the opposite of that. He loves meeting people, is friendly with ANYONE, and also seems like he'd get along with other dogs. They only ever had each other, though. Pippin was always more playful than Lola, but she would indulge him, chasing him around, and he'd love it. Now, it's very difficult for us to get Pippin to be active. I try to chase him around, sometimes - kind of the way Lola would do. We can't go for walks with him here, either. It's not safe. There are stray dogs everywhere, and I don't want to risk my boy getting caught in a dogfight. It's all really hard to deal with. I still constantly think that we are NOT good enough for Pippin - that we cannot give him the care and love he deserves. And yet...I CANNOT bare the thought of losing him, too.

We - me and my parents - often said we wouldn't make it through day to day life if we didn't have our "Kiddies" - that's what we call Lola and Pippin. Our Kiddies. Refering to them as dogs has just never felt right to me, because they are SO much more. And Lola, especially, brought us SO much joy. So merely imagining a life without our Kiddies - without having either of them? For us to suddenly be alone, with no pup in the house, if something were to happen to Pippin? It TERRIFIES me.

Anyway, pardon my long rant! But writing all of this really is the only thing that helps me, in any way. Once again, thank you for your reply, and interest in Lola's story, and Pippin.

Marie.

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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #63 
Marie:

  I wanted to extend my condolences about your beloved Lola. She sounds like a wonderful dog and a stabilizing force in your life.  Pippin will help get you through this. I know that you are re-playing things in your head continuously about  what may have happened if your local Veterinary Staff had been better equipped. Everyone in this Forum questions the competency of their Vets when we lose them. I know I do. I had one Vet tell me one thing while another Vet tells me something completely different. There doesn't seem to be any consensus on what really happened. You did the very best that you could under some trying circumstances. You were a wonderful, caring pet owner and your Lola loved you very much. Just remember that it's OK to struggle. I think all of us in this Forum have our good and bad days. You are not alone. 

Jim

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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #64 
So sorry. I wonder did she eat anything bad? Do you use mouse poison? Sometimes they can get poisoned from the mouse if they catch a mouse. Pippin needs you. Just keep giving him attention and keep him busy. Can you drive him somewhere that is safer to walk? Any parks near you? Area businesses with big properties or schools with big properties you can walk off hours? Some people drive places to walk their dogs for many reasons even if they live in a city area.
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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #65 

Michele

Our vet also asked whether Lola could have eaten something. But that REALLY wasn't the case. We are VERY alert to what goes on in our yard, where the Kiddies roam. Up to the point of being paranoid. People here have had their dogs poisoned, so we check the perimeter of our fence all the time. I carry a flashlight with me at night when the Kiddies go for wee breaks. And we don't use any poison for rats or anything, mostly because I am too afraid my pups could ingest it, somehow. So no, it hadn't been something Lola had eaten. Her vomit also hadn't shown any signs of anything strange - just yellow bile, and some remnants of her previous night's dinner.

One thing, for me, that actually fit Lola's sudden decline, is that she possibly had hemangiosarcoma? I found this article a little while after she passed, and the symptoms fit almost to a t:

https://www.doghealth.com/health/cancer/2158-hemangiosarcoma-in-dogs

I don't know if our vet wouldn't have been able to detect it. He had taken a sonar of Lola's organs, and her liver had been enlarged. He had then mentioned that cancer was also a possibility. With the internal bleeding she'd had, it almost makes more sense to me. Plus the fact that she hadn't shown ANY signs of anything being wrong, prior. I follow a lot of dogs on Instagram, and in July one of them also passed due to hemangiosarcoma. He'd been a very active, healthy dog, and his mom had taken amazing care of him. And yet, he also passed very suddenly, within a few hours, from internal bleeding due to the condition.

As for finding somewhere to walk Pippin...we live in a rural area. The nearest town is also small, with no parks or anything. We can only afford to drive to town once a week, to buy our essentials. That is another thing that makes me feel very guilty, lately. Our financial situation is pretty bad. I know people are always quick to say "don't get a dog of you can't afford to care for it", but NO-ONE knew seven years ago how much the economy would change. I certainly never thought I'd get only seven years with Lola. And I CANNOT bare the thought of giving Pippin away. To complete strangers, who don't know him, or his routine? Plus, my dad would never forgive me. Pippin is ALL we have, now. And we are really, REALLY trying our best, with him. It's VERY hard, but I would never, NEVER neglect him. EVER. There are just certain things we can't do for him. Like taking him for walks. Granted, him and Lola never did go for walks, their whole lives. But they ran around and played with each other. They were always happy - Lola, especially. She was a happy, content pup. And Pippin, well, one of his nick-names IS Potatto - as in couch potato. Because frankly, Pippin has always preferred to lay on his couch, indoors. Even when Lola was still here, we would sometimes have a hard time getting him to go outside. But we try to make a point of it now, to get him out, and I try to chase him around a bit. I don't know if it's enough, but I truly hope it helps.

Marie.

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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #66 

Dear Jim.

Thank you so much for your reply. Lola really WAS everything to me. I've said it a bunch of times, but she was my heart - my very soul. She truly was the best part of every day. And going on without that brightness in my life...it feels almost impossible.

But, I have responsibilities - people who count on me, and Pippin. As much as as I just wish it would all end, so I can be with my girl again...I know that can't happen. Not yet, anyway.

Marie.

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Marlene8817

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Reply with quote  #67 
Dear Marie, I truly believe you did everything you possibly could, even if you had a 24 hour emergency clinic, they wouldn't have known what it was, I believe it would have been the same result.  I don't know why she had to leave you, I truly don't and my heart goes out to you, I very much understand what you are feeling, she was like your child and for her to be taken away so abruptly is unbearable.  I live in Los Angeles, with alot of vet care and I swear every time I took her in they never knew what was going on, just test after test.  I hear this all the time from people, so please don't think it was because you didn't have an emergency vet. 

This is their lives and the just really want to be around you, just loved all the time, I'm sure the yard is just fine and you take such amazing care of them, that's what's important.  Alot of times Molly just wanted to sit outside in front of our building in the grass and just chill, so I would sit there with her, she didn't want to walk.  She would let me know, no Mom I'm not walking I'm sitting here in the grass!  Just to have 1 more day of her doing that...it seems like yesterday..I don't know that I will ever get over this, I'm so sad all the time..

Marlene

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Marlene Weber
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Mistysmama

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Reply with quote  #68 
Marie....I just read your previous post here about Lola, and strongly suspected Hemangiosarcoma. I wrote to you on your own thread, as it was a long-ish reply and I thought it better to put that on Lola's special thread.
Then I came back here, and read another post by you in which you are also wondering if it was Hemangiosarcoma.
It might have been, from what you describe.
Blessings to Lola's beautiful Soul.

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Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #69 
So sorry Marie. It could have been hemangiosarcoma. It is so hard when they die. Especially unexpectedly. It is never easy.

How was Halloween for everyone? I missed mine sitting on the enclosed porch looking out the door at everyone going by. We don't get as many kids as we did. She would know what night it was somehow after the first door bell ring. Then she waited for each ring so she could bark and run to the door. I miss that this year. It was fun.
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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #70 

Dear Marlene.

Thank you for your lovely message. I do know that all my doubts and all the bad feelings that keep resurfacing, is part of the grieving process.

I do, some days - some moments - think of the good things. The good memories of my beautiful girl. Even if even that, too, makes me cry. Like your Molly, who just wanted to sit in the grass with you, sometimes. It made me think of how much Lola would love to just lay in the grass, in the sun. Or even roll around in it. Then she would not shake off the loose grass that she'd be covered in. Oh no. One of us had to "dust" her off. She would even come to stand next to you, or in front of you, with a face that plainly said "Come on - do your job. Clean me up!"

Like I've said, there was not one day that went by, that Lola didn't make us laugh at something adorable that she did. Sometimes several times a day. She was just such a spirited, lively little being. I keep finding myself thinking "I CAN'T believe she's gone." How that HUGE personality, that big, bright presence, can just suddenly be gone from this earth. It feels like the entire universe should have come to a halt.

I'm attaching a picture of Lola lounging happily in the grass. It's hard for me to look at photos of her, at this point. But I DO want to share how amazing she was with all of you.

Marie.

Attached Images
jpeg 20180427_1.jpg (260.72 KB, 10 views)

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Marlene8817

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Reply with quote  #71 
Hi Marie, I just read your post and had tears in my eyes.  What a beautiful girl!  Thanks for sharing her picture, I thought of her as a smaller dog.  Her beloved presence must be horribly missed..I can image her, it must of have been such a joy to be with her. Looks like she gave great hugs!   Here is my little bubba in the grass, I just love this picture of her, such a beautiful girl with an amazing soul 😉. I can't believe she is gone...

Michele, thank you for your Halloween memory!  I'm sure it was so hard this year, just the little things that they would get so excited about, was just so precious.  I live in a condo complex, so there are no trick or treaters here.   But we have alot of dog costume contests here in LA, so fun!  




Molly Grass.jpg 


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Marlene Weber
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #72 
I feel the same way about my dog Marlene and Marie.

Marie - We would dry Onyx off with a towel after she came in from the rain. She would also stand there and let us dry her. She was so good about everything. I will post a picture later.
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #73 
Here is my dog Onyx. Like everyone else I can't believe she is not here any longer. This was one of her favorite places to stay in the mountains.




layingdown1212.jpg

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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #74 

Marlene.

Oh my goodness, Molly was SUCH a cutie! Thank you for sharing the photo of her!

Strangely enough...my Lola wasn't much of a hugger! But she ALWAYS gave kisses. All the time. And she had this thing where she would come lean against you with her whole body, and bump you with her head, so you would pet her. Or she would just sit against you, or even on your feet. And she also had this way of looking you right in the eyes, with those gorgeous eyes of hers. Like she was trying to telepathically talk to you! Which I'm sure she kind of did, because I often understood what she wanted when she gave me those looks.

My beautiful baby girl. No, she wasn't a small girl - she was BIG! Big enough to match her personality. And she loved to "wave" at you with those big paws, too! I just miss her and her adorable antics SO MUCH. I can't even put it into words.

Marie.

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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #75 

Michele.

Onyx was a BEAUTIFUL girl! It really is impossible to think our pups aren't here, anymore. I keep expecting to see Lola strolling into my bedroom, as I sit here writing this. It's SO unreal, sometimes. Like I'm living a nightmare, and any day now I'll wake up, and my girl will still be here.

Marie.

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