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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #91 

It's been four weeks to the day since my Lola passed. I WANT to say it's maybe getting a bit easier...but it literally changes from one second to the next. I have more better moments, maybe - that's the easiest way to put it.

My sleeping patterns reflect the rollercoaster of all of this. The first few nights after we lost our girl, I was terrified to go to sleep. I was afraid of having nightmares. And also, I dreaded having to wake up the next day. That still is the hardest part, every day - waking up to the knowledge that my baby girl isn't here to brighten up my day anymore.

Sleeping itself...now all I WANT to do, is sleep. I crave the oblivion of it. And, also, the possibility of maybe being able to "visit" Lola. I only had two dreams of her, so far, that felt different from other dreams. They felt...more real. I fully believe those kinds of dreams are a way of letting me visit my girl - or her way of visiting me. It hasn't happened in a few weeks, though.

Marie.

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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #92 
MJ:

  Thank You for your kind words. Yes, Shelby was the love of my life. I miss her terribly. As
I'v e said before "she stole my heart back in 2002...and never relinquished it." She was a once in a life-time dog. My little girl.

Jim

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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #93 
Marie:

  Yes, I think that your dreams of Lola were a way of connecting with her. How did you feel after you woke up? Did you feel anxious or depressed? Or, did you feel that your baby girl is in a better place, free of pain and suffering, and you were secure in the knowledge that Lola has reconnected with you via your dreams? I haven't had any dreams of Shelby yet. I know when I do that's it's going to be very emotional. You said that you really crave more sleep now. That's perfectly normal. I think it's just your body's internal clock trying to balance everything out as your emotions heal. Bottom line is that your Lola and my Shelby were so important to us that we will always carry a torch for them. I'm going up to visit Shelby on Saturday Nov. 16th. She is my forever little girl. 

Jim

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Marlene8817

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Reply with quote  #94 
Hi Marie, I'm glad you're feeling some peace now..it does come in waves.  I feel fine for awhile, then I get overwhelmed with grief, I believe this is just the grieving process. Ups and downs for awhile.  For the first 6 weeks all I wanted to do was sleep and just check out also, it's been 9 weeks and I don't feel the need to sleep as much.  Is still don't feel much joy or want to do the things I use to do, I know I need to try though..I have had a few dreams of her, mostly just trying to find her, which is sad and stressful sleep.  Be kind to yourself and do small things to make yourself feel good.  Like Jim Says, we will always carry a torch for them, they were our little baby girls and will always have a special place in our hearts, even though our hearts are still broken, they will heal in time.  This is all just going to take time...

Marlene

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Marlene Weber
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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #95 
It is eight weeks and I still miss mine. She was perfect. I am afraid to get a dog when I am ready because she was so perfect. Sometimes I just break down still when I think of her and see her pictures. I had a few dreams she was in but they were just dreams that did not make sense.
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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #96 

Jim,

The dreams I had of Lola - or rather, getting to "visit" her, as I see it - made me...happy, but in a sad way? If that makes any sense? Because even as I could be with her, in the dreams, I knew it was temporary, and I would have to wake up, and be without her again. But even so, just holding her close, stroking her soft, silly big ears, meant SO much to me. Because I COULD do those things again, in the dreams. I could feel her soft coat under my hands, vivid and real. The last time I dreamt of her, I was actually crying in the dream, with happiness at being able to be near her once more.

Marie.

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Marlene8817

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Reply with quote  #97 
Oh Marie, what a beautiful dream you had of her!  I have not experienced that, she is just out of my reach...:(  She is letting you know she is ok and she loves you...
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Marlene Weber
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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #98 

Marlene,

I DO fully believe those dreams were a way for me to communicate with my Lola. Like I said, I can't even really explain it, but those dreams felt DIFFERENT. Alas, I also haven't been able to visit my girl since, though. I hope she's busy playing with Rudie in heaven. And that Rudie introduced her to Bruno, and they are all happy and having fun.

I'm not having a good day. Granted, it just started, but from the minute I woke up I just KNEW it was going to be a bad one. I miss my girl SO much. ALL I want, is to be with her, again. I am tired of this life, and this world, and all it's ugliness. Because Lola WAS the best, most pure and amazing, beautiful thing in MY life. Now, all I can see is the bad. All the inevitable bad that IS ahead for me. And the world really just is mostly all bad. I can't enjoy the little bit of good there is, anyway. How can you feel without your heart, anyway? Because I lost mine when I lost my girl. And I hate how I have to pretend like everything's fine - that I'm fine. Because if I were to try and tell people that I'm NOT okay, and, God forbid, tell them WHY I'm not okay...they would think I'm faking, or making excuses. Around here, folks won't GET how much this hurts. How much pain I'm in. I feel SO alone, because of it. I am thankful for this forum, but sometimes it just really feels awful knowing everyone around me doesn't understand what I'm going through.

Marie.

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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #99 
Marie:

  I also had a bad day (and night) yesterday. Society says that we should be moving on with our lives, yet I'm not ready to do so. My dog is constantly on my mind. I miss her so much. I just don't have the inclination to do things around the house that I normally would. On Sundays I usually watch football but now I can't get interested. It seems so meaningless now. Shelby used to hang out with me and come over to the couch looking for food dropping on the carpet while I was watching TV. It was one of her most endearing qualities and now it is no longer. My support system has been good but now it is starting to wane. People were really good for a while but now it seems that they have backed off some. They just don't want to hear it anymore. I have stopped calling them - I just don't want to bother anyone. People who are experiencing grief are considered persona non grata if they don't get on with the program and put on a happy face for the world. I am in business for myself and have to deal with clients (some good - some bad) on a daily basis. I have to be careful about my attitude and what I say. Lately, I haven't been the nicest person on the phone - and in person - so I try and keep the conversations short. Maybe one day I'll feel better about things and be more social but right now I don't feel like it.  
So it's okay that you are  feeling the way that you do for the reason that you do. As the title of the book says "It's OK To Not Be OK." I hope today (Sunday) is a better day for you. I completely understand.

Sending Positive Thoughts Your Way,

Jim 

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Marlene8817

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Reply with quote  #100 
Hi guys...I'm so glad to have found this forum too..Marie, I'm so so sorry for your pain as I feel the same pain...like I just don't want to go on, that there is nothing good, nor is anything good going to come.  I find no joy in anything, I feel nothing.  Exactly, how can you feel when your heart is gone.  I too have been snappy and annoyed and it's not like me to feel this way, but I can't help it.  My acupuncturist says I need to move forward and I just can't right now, it makes me not want to see her now.  I go because it helps with my anxiety and depression, but I feel it's so deep nothing is helping as it normally does.  I work and see my clients and they have all been so great, thankfully...but I can't wait until the day is over.  I came to my mom's house yesterday to help her as she fractured her fibula, I'm trying to be here for her, physically I'm here, but not mentally.  She understands as we have always had dogs, hers passed last year and she got another one when the other dog was getting older, so she has one now.  It's a good dog, but a little too wild for me, so I haven't really bonded with her.  Even being here at my mom's makes me sad as there are so many memories of her here as this is where we said goodbye to each other.  I'm hoping too she is up there playing with her friends, Chloe, Bentley and our Cat Syd 😉  

Marie, it's only been a month for you, I was still sobbing daily, so feel what you are feeling its ok, YES it's OK to NOT be OK!  Let us know how you're feeling today...

Sending hugs to you all!

Marlene

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Marlene Weber
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Reply with quote  #101 
Hi Marlene:

  I think everyone in this Forum is experiencing deep grief to one extent or the other. I know I am. This week coming up will be (9) weeks since my little girl left me. I still feel the pain as intensely now as I did when that horrible day occurred. The feelings seem to leave me momentarily and I feel better and then BAM, they smack me in the face and I am very sad. I think your acupuncturist was wrong when she said that "you should be moving on." You will move on when you are ready to - not when society says we should. Keep posting in this Forum. Your input is greatly appreciated. It's not only helping you but it's helping us as well.


 Sending Positive Thoughts Your Way,

Jim

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Michelemh

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Reply with quote  #102 
I feel the same as everyone else. I still miss her. I used to love walking and hiking with her. It was so fun all the time since she loved it and had such a happy face when hiking. Now I don't want to go without her. She was my happiness. Like Marie said it seems not worth living without her. I am afraid another dog will have issues and not be as perfect as she was. I do have some good days but also sad days. One day last week I was doing something in the basement near her bags of food. I realized I wasn't thinking of her for part of the day and then it hit me as if I should be always thinking of her. Then my chest became heavy and I just felt so sad again. Also on my bad days I do not want to talk or bother with anyone. Just have to get through work.

Michele

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Mistysmama

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Reply with quote  #103 
I always like to drop in to Jim's thread, because I understand. You all here have the same feelings as I do -even though my girl's passing was years ago, and all of yours were so recent.

I have respect and care for all Creatures, and have indeed taken care of another little one (a cat) for seven years after my girl left this world (the cat is fine, she was taken again by her original owners, which was her dream come true, so while I miss her I don't "grieve" for her having left.) So I just fostered her for 7 years !

So I allowed life to happen, and allowed my own involvement in it..

But....
there is no way I EVER "moved on" from my Misty !!
I haven't moved on to this day, and that has been 7 years and 5 months. I don't see that ever happening as long as I live on this Earth. It would be impossible.

I have been able to live, function in  life, honour myself and others, give affection and care, learned to live this differently-shaped life without Misty. There have been joys and tears, hollow dark times, and times of love and hope.

But "move forward" ?? Move on? What is meant by that? Do they mean you have to do something the way they see as "right"?

Well....beggar that!! My heart belongs to Misty and always will. My happiest times have been with her, both when she lived physically, and since she passed into Spirit.
I know a true Soul Companion and eternal Loved one when I meet them.

And besides. Nobody should be telling anyone how to live their grieving/mourning....when to "move on" (gosh I hate that phrase!)
Quite honestly I would find another acupuncturist Marlene. Because an acupuncturist is working with the energies of the body and magnetic field. It's not just a mechanical thing, and if you are not in harmony and complete trust with them, the healing may not have as positive an effect. This person does not harmonise with your needs, and there is bound to be an energetic clash there.
The healing work involves subtle etheric energies.

I wish you all here the very best of things, and may your Hearts be comforted by the Love which always will be. And comforted by Grace, and glimpses we may get of their lovely Souls, as time goes by.

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Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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AnthsGirl

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Reply with quote  #104 

Marlene and Jim,

Thank you both so much for your messages. Finding this forum really has been the only thing that has brought me some measure of peace. The people on here - the support, and especially the UNDERSTANDING - is one of the very few things that help me during this dark time.

I'm planning on writing a blog post - for my Tumblr page - that I might re-POST on here, on my thread about Lola. It's been one month, today, since she passed. I want to write down all my feelings. It really is the only form of "therapy" I have.

Marie.

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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #105 
Michelle:

  Thank You for sharing with us. I feel the same way as you. I haven't been walking the same route that Shelby and I used to do. I can't do it now. It's too painful.  Sundays were our day together. We'd start out doing our (2) mile walk early in the morning. After our walk, I'd prepare breakfast for Shelby. She had a voracious appetite - even as an older dog. After breakfast we'd go out into our back yard for play-time. Shelby was the consummate frisbee catcher. She played with her frisbee until she was (14).  After she couldn't jump as high due to the inevitable aging process, she would still like to hang out in our yard. She'd sniff around, bark at the neighbor's dogs and check everything out with those beautiful eyes of her's. On Sunday afternoons, she'd hang out with me as I watched baseball or football on TV. If any food dropped on the carpet, she'd pounce on it. Later in the day, we may take another shorter walk together. Sundays were the best. I miss our special day together. 

Jim

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