mysweetmaggie
I haven't posted before but I have been reading other people's posts the last few weeks and crying along with them. Today it's 2 months since my beautiful Maggie was put to sleep. She had cancer on her spleen and liver that was too far advanced for surgery to have prolonged her life for much more than a month or two. She was a tri-color border collie. I got her as a 4 month old pup and had her by my side for 12 years and a handful of days. She was my constant companion, doing chores in the barn, gardening, walking in the woods, where ever I was, she was also. People say that in time memories of the good times will comfort me. But right now, every time I think of one of those good times, I feel like I get punched in the gut, remembering that she is gone and there will be no more good memories made. I can't even look at her pictures knowing that would undo me completely. I cry every day still. My last thought at night and my first thought when I wake in the morning is of my beautiful sweet Maggie. Oh, how I miss you, my girl. 
Maxine hughes
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Memories_of_Marmalade
Dear Maxine,

I'm very sorry for your loss of your beloved Maggie.

The feelings you are experiencing are natural and as you may have read here on the forum they do pass. And when they do it is such a major relief being able to think once more about all the good times you had with your lost beloved. It does happen and many of us here are living proof as is documented in hundreds, if not thousands of posts. When that transition begins to occur, as part of the grieving process, it is inspiring and uplifting and you will begin to feel like your old self again. Please just hang in there and continue to travel through time. "This too shall pass."

Kind regards and my sincerest condolences,
James
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mysweetmaggie
Thank you, James. I have always owned dogs, usually 2, sometimes 3 at a time. And I always cried and grieved for them when they passed, but I always knew dogs have a short life span.  But somehow Maggie was so special to me. Most of my dogs were rescue dogs or shelter dogs and I loved them all dearly. Maggie was the first pup I had raised in a long time, and she was the only dog I had left. Her companion dog passed away from heart disease 3 years ago. I was lucky enough to be able to retire early so I spent more time with Maggie than with some of my other dogs. She was a part of me and I feel like I lost my right arm. I remember looking at Maggie when she was 10, going on 11 and thinking, Please, please let me have a few more years with her. I would give anything to be able to stop grieving and remember how happy she made me, but I just can't seem to get past missing her and wishing she was with me. 
Maxine hughes
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Memories_of_Marmalade
Oh I'm sorry Maggie, I didn't know you were so familiar with dealing with the grieving process. Please accept my apologies sweetheart.

It sounds like Maggie was your "Spirit Animal." There is great love in all of your words.

I still send you healing prayers. 

All best,
James
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grievingmama

@mysweetmaggie

I'm sorry for your loss of Maggie and the suffering you're living through now without her by your side. As James said, she sounds like she was your spirit animal...or as some others say soul animal. I believe we have special bonds with all animals we live with, but I also believe there are some that truly touch our soul in a special way. Maybe it's when they came into our lives, or how, or perhaps there was something they provided us and in a way that we never knew we needed, until we received it. I say this from my heart because like you I've had many pet companions over the years and I have grieved the loss of each one, however the grief was different for each one as well.

Over the past 3 years I've lost 3 fur-kids; 2 senior cats (one that was nearing 20 yrs, almost half my life!) and most recently my dog. Today is the 6 weeks mark since my boy and I said our final farewell, he was 13 yrs old. Today is also the 13 yr anniversary of the day I brought him home at 8 weeks old. Needless to say today has been a very tear filled day. He was my soul dog, for many reasons, and the grief I've been living through since the moment I felt him take his last breath has been debilitating. I've rollercoastered through all the stages of grief and back just to feel it all over again. I struggle to function every day, all I can think about is him. I replay his last days over and over, recalling every little detail from the way he walked, ate, coughed, slept, all of it. I go through pictures and videos of the past year analyzing every aspect of his health decline, trying to make sense of it and going over the management and treatment of illnesses again and again. Could I have done more, did I miss something, did I do enough/too much/not enough. I know rationally he was a senior and he was very unwell for the past 6 months but emotionally I'm still questioning myself, because, I loved him that much. He was always my priority, so much so that even the act of allowing myself to "just grieve" without the guilt seems impossible.

I always knew he was special and extremely important to me, I also always knew that when the time came that we were no longer together it would be painful. I did not know I would respond in such a desperate and depressed manner and for so long. I think when we live through this kind of loss there is no straight forward reaction or timeline. We just have to make the choice to live through it, be in it and take each day at a time. The deeper the bond the more time it will take. My boy changed me when he came into my life, and his death has changed me again. There was a bond between him and I that I've never experienced in my life, not with friends, family or any other pet. 

I hope in time you find peace. Until then, lets both be eternally grateful that we were blessed to have experienced deep, pure love in our lifetime. My best to you during this difficult time. xx 

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mysweetmaggie
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I truly try to push myself to get through this, because I want to be happy again, but I just get stuck. Like you I keep wondering what should I have done, did I miss something, should I have done more, and it drives me crazy. Did I let her down? I tried to give her the best care and I thought I was following the best advice, but I don't know.  But thank you because just reading your post lets me know that someone else is experiencing similar pain and struggling through it. 
Maxine hughes
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mysweetmaggie
Oh I'm sorry Maggie, I didn't know you were so familiar with dealing with the grieving process. Please accept my apologies sweetheart.

It sounds like Maggie was your "Spirit Animal." There is great love in all of your words.

I still send you healing prayers. 

All best,
James
    Thank you James for your kind words and prayers. I am not tech savvy so don't really know how this system works, but no apologies are needed. I guess what I was trying to convey, is that although I've lost many beloved pets in the past, this one feels so much worse than anything I ever felt. Maybe she was my spirit animal as you say, because she was so special to me. I know she seemed to read my mind and knew me so well. I loved her. 
Maxine hughes
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BoxerMomForever
Maxine, I am very sorry for your loss.  It surely takes time, you never truly get over a loss.  Only been two months and Grieve as long as you need too. Some day you will be able to look at her photos and smile of those happy times together.    It’s been nine months since my girl passed and it has gotten better BUT some days I’m sad again.  This site has helped me and hope it does for you.  Everyone is supportive.....
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19  ** Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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Adriane_d
Stay strong and cry if needed.  
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