It has been three weeks since I lost my baby Monty and for the last couple of days I thought I was starting to feel better of course not over his passing but getting somewhere and the crying had eased...and then last night I howled for two hours...the guilt I feel for not being with him because of Covid rules broke my heart...I always thought that I would hold him in my arms to say goodbye. The vets said they would cuddle him and tell him how loved he was.

We have his ashes in a beautiful cylinder as we are waiting for a new urn with our words on the front to put them in...and some may think mad but I take his ashes to bed with me at night and have a little chat with he was always with me on my bed sleeping next to me on my pillow.

The worse thing is when at home you forget that he has gone and you think you see him...or I leave open the doors inside so that he had a free roam of the many little things.

My daughter misses him as well but she has managed to put her feelings into the beautiful memories she has of him...and we do talk about him....and that is the point... as that is what I want to feel instead of this grief...we knew he was getting near his time and I just want to remember the joy he gave us and he did plenty of that.

I am sure he is looking down on me and thinking ''move on mum'' as Monty would have not liked sadness.

An eternity would have not been long enough with him...but I want to remember the funny times.
Ellen Hague
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Dear Ellen,

I am so sorry for what you are coping with. I am 1.1 years into the loss of my own boy, a cat named "Marmalade" who was the most loyal friend and companion I ever had in my lifetime. When all stood against me, he was steadfast and true. We were homeless and on the road for 3 1/2 months, and starving at times, and yet he STILL stayed by my side. Even when he had the opportunity to leave me.

I still talk to his ashes every single day. I tell him "Good Morning" tell him how much I love him, miss him and hope to see him again and how sorry I am that I could not save him. I tell him "Goodnight" every single night. I tell him how my day went. I tell him that my rescue cat KID says "Hello." The little brass lock on the cedar box that contains his ashes is the last sight I see each night, before I go to sleep when I turn the light off. That vision is imprinted on my eyes when all goes dark and silent. I don't care what others think of my doing the above. It comforts me and helps me to stay sane.

I wish you good healing during this very difficult and challenging time. If your grief is the measure of the love you had / have for Monthy during all those years that you were together? just imagine how loved, cherished and adored he felt each time he was in your company and gazed into your eyes.

Kind regards,
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Thank you so much for your reply it brought tears to my eyes your words so comforting and true.

He was my first cat I ever had and no idea that I could fall so in love with this beautiful boy.

I am so glad that you also get comfort from talking to your beloved Marmalade as I greatly do...and I will never stop.

It is true when you feel such pain as losing something so precious...then you know that he was greatly loved and as you said he did use to gaze into my eyes and lift his head up for a kiss...memories I will never forget and will never want to forget.

So tonight we will both be saying goodnight to our boys...who we know are with us and watching us and waiting for us.

Ellen Hague
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