Bubsmom
It's been two weeks since I had to put my sweet Bubba cat to sleep.  He was fine on a Saturday, and then he stopped eating on Sunday.  After a visit to the vet on Monday and a trip to the emergency vet Tuesday, he was barely breathing and not able to stand up.  The vet said it was time, and I couldn't let him go on like that, so at 3 am Wednesday, I held my baby in my arms as the vet put him to sleep.   

I was initially starting to come to terms with it, but the past two days have been very hard.  I still cry nearly everyday.  I've been having a lot of guilt recently.  The more I read about feline illnesses, the more I think he may have had symptoms of an URI, that I just didn't recognize until it was too late.  None of this has been suggested by a vet or anything, just my reading up on the internet.  I feel like I should have fought harder for him, and that he trusted me, and that I killed him.  I know in my mind that it's not the case, and I hope talking about it will make the feeling go away.  I miss him and think about him every day. 
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chipperboy
Oh Bubsmom,

I am so, so sorry. I can feel your grief and understand how you feel.

I, too, had to unexpectedly put my baby down and I couldn't even stay in the room because I couldn't watch someone "kill" my dog. It physically made me ill and I almost passed out.

It has been over a month for me and I still cry. I don't cry everyday, but the tears are never far from the surface when I think about him, talk about him or see pictures.

I think most of us experience the "I should have done more..." and second-guessing ourselves after we say good-bye. There have been many, many times I wish my mind would connect with my heart....because they had different opinions! :o) I knew (in my mind) that releasing Chipper to the Bridge was the best thing for him......but oh, my heart did not want to let him go!! Trying to adjust to life without him has been a very difficult task but is becoming more manageable as each day passes.

I don't believe we will ever stop missing our babies...I know I haven't.

Thinking about you during this time. We are here for you!
Chipper's Mom

Momma's Chipper Boy (9/19/95 - 1/30/11) My heart, my love, my buddy! I miss you and love you so, so much! I can't wait to see you at the bridge! Love, Mommy

Lady "Ladybugs" (8/2/03 - 6/5/17) My sweet girl. Thanks for the walks, playtime, sock collection, boo boo kisses and love you gave all of us. We will miss you dearly! Until we meet again...we love you!
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moonglow
Hi Bubsmom,
I can relate to how your feeling since I had my kitty Archie put to sleep 12/13/10. I know I have sometimes questioned my decision later even though at the time it was the only thing to do. I know I need to forgive myself as Archie surely would want. Being he was my best friend and I spent his whole 10 years loving him 24/7, I'm sure he knows how deep my love goes and wants me to be happy. Your Bubba feels the same way about you. Our furbabies do love us unconditionally and forgiveness is a major part of that love. We wanted to spare them suffering and I believe they want to spare us from suffering! So I'm going to keep feeling the bond of love that was and is still there, if I let the good feelings come. You are in my prayers.

Kim  
I love you my dearest and sweetest little boy "Archie"
I'll be there my little soft baby!
10/27/00 - 12/13/10
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4myStanley
It sounds like your baby was very ill.  The vet said it was time and you had him to a hospital.  It doesn't sound like there was much you could do. 

It seems like we all second guess our decisions.  I know I did and this forum has helped me with that. 
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Meghanm
Hi Bubsmom. I am really sorry to hear of your loss. I would really recommend reading the thread "Conversations with Guilt". I know it helped me after we put Sammy to sleep. The feelings of guilt will work their way into your soul and it is so so devastating. Please know you didn't kill Bubba, he was very ill and you made an extremely difficult and brave decision.
Meghan

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever." ~ The Crow

"We don't "get over" our losses and just move on, we learn to live differently."
~ http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html
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MyBelovedMaci

Hello to everyone. This is my first post on the message board. I can understand and deeply sympathize with Bubsmom. It's been three weeks yesterday for me. My Maci passed February 16th at the age of 18. Fortunately, I was at home and held her in my arms when she passed. It was a very traumatic moment. Like your furbaby, my Maci was fine Sunday during the day...but Sunday night was when everything started happening. We went to the emergency vet that night and then to her vets the following day. She stayed all day and overnight. She was still a little wobbly, but they said she could come home and they were going to try a new pain medication for her. That was Tuesday night...nothing too much changed. She ate very little and then nothing at all, but was drinking a lot. I had to hold my baby while she drank because she couldn't sit straight up. She look disoriented and was very uncomfortable...moving around. The next morning, her feet were cold and she still wasn't walking normally. ...now her front legs were being affected. I gave her a small amount of the pain medication and within a few minutes, she started not being able to catch her breath. I called the vet and told them what was going on and they said to bring her in right away she probably threw a clot that was developing rapidly. By the time I got myself together and put her in the carrier, she let out her last meow and last breath. I instantly pulled her out and cradled her...scared out of my mind...she was passing right in front of my eyes. Just three weeks ago, like some of the other blogs that I've read, she had a pretty good check-up despite thyroid, blood pressure, and kidney issues and they weren't that bad. I don't think she wanted to go back to the vet, but rather pass away on her own with me at home. When I took her to the vet that afternoon (my mother came and helped me), all I heard them say was embolism...blood clot in her lungs. I found out about Rainbow Bridge and read another cat's residence page and as I was reading, this cat had the same symptoms as Maci. I finally found out the name of it...saddle thrombus. She obviously had heart disease issues that were never detected because she had been experiencing wobbly back legs for about 2 1/2 years. My girl was definitely a fighter.

 

It's been three weeks and the pain isn't any lighter. I am very heavy with grief and sadness. There might be a few minutes out of the day when it is lifted, but it washes back over me very quickly and then the tears start to flow. The book that has been helpful is "Saying Goodbye to our Angel Animals" by Allen and Linda Anderson as well as this website.

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Bubsmom
Thank you all for your words.  The pain comes and goes, like many of you have said.  And the guilt and second guessing is just a part of it all.  I know we didn't fail our babies, we did absolutely everything we could.  And we gave them a lifetime full of love.  It's sometimes hard for my heart to get past those last moments and focus on the lifetime we had together.  I agree it helps to talk it out on this forum.  Everybody here has been so supportive, and although we're not standing in each other's shoes, we do share a common grief.  Thank you again.
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marty

Hi Bubsmom------I'm sorry that your babie had to go to the Bridge.  None of us want to see that happen, but It does.   Now He Is free of pain.   He can play and have fun with all that has gone before him.   I know, the words are of little comfort and are hollow.  Again, I'm sorry.   You did the best you could and so did the doctors.   I think that the best an pet owner can do Is to allow their fur-babies to pass In peace.   I've had several thu the years that had to go, but because I was selfish, I put them thu alot of testing and blood transfusions, lots of pills and shots.   I don't do that any more.   If they have an good chance of making It then I will do what ever I have to do, but If not, I let them go.   Please, don't fill guilty for we all have those days of "what If's".  I just lost my Chow of 15yrs. and 24 days.   He was my life.   Now i have to learn to live with-out him for I have others that depend on me.   I have an new puppie that was beat and had several broken ribs.   THERE'S always another that needs your love and help--------------Marty and critters 

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creampuff

Dear Bubsmom, Blessings to you for your beautiful heart!  It's so easy to see how very much your little purrbaby was loved.  What a wonderful home and life you gave him.  I know your pain.  I lost both of my precious cats earlier this year.  Inky was 16 and became ill so quickly after many years of excellent health.  I had to make the decision in January to let her go on to the rainbow bridge.  That broke my heart.  Two weeks later, my remaining little orange tabby who was 14 and only had a slight heart murmur, suddenly had a seizure and died in my arms seconds later.  I have to believe that our little furry soulmates know when it's their time to leave this world.   I also believe that they somehow know where they are going. You allowed your Bubba to go to a beautiful place.  I am sure that your Bubba has met up with my Inky and Bubba Lou and they are happy and well once more.  We will see them again when it's our turn to leave for the bridge.  I hope that your heart will begin to heal with your wonderful memories of Bubba.  Jane

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judylinn
Dear Bubsmom, know that the cycle of what your going through, is very similar to the rest of us. You just think your doing better, and wham, it hits you hard again. It's been such a short time since he passed.
Animals really don't show that they are ill until they are really not well. Second guessing yourself, only leads to more pain. I think we all do that..I have as well. I actually didn't feel guilt until a long time after Maddie passed.
Your beautiful Bubba knew he was loved, and what better way to have to leave then in the arms of your beloved mom...he was safe and secure and loved. He would have know that. Also animals accept death way easier than we do.
Again I'm so sorry. my thoughts and prayers are with you. Judy
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charlikin
Bubsmom, I am so sorry for your loss. Bubba was a beautiful cat, and he was very, very lucky because he obviously had a very loving mom.

It is so normal to feel guilt when our babies pass. Wow, that sounds like a clinical statement, but all of us here have felt it! I am still getting over the passing of my beautiful calicos Emmie a month ago, and her sister Charlee nine months ago. I felt guilty about each one of them - still do. But somewhere in the rational part of my brain, I know I did what I could for them. I made mistakes, I absolutely did. But I tried and I did the best that I could. I loved them deeply, and they knew it, as I know you loved Bubba, and I guarantee to you that he knew it.

You had two vets tell you it was time. If there was anything else that could have been done, they would have told you. Sometimes you read things on the internet, but they wouldn't have applied to your case, to the condition your cat was in. It may have been better that they didn't suggest doing things that wouldn't have worked but that might have prolonged your kitty's suffering.

It is shocking how quickly a cat's condition can worsen sometimes. Emmie was like that - she was very ill, and I knew that, but we were trying to treat her, and she was acting fairly normal (if a little weak). She fought so hard, and then suddenly she couldn't fight anymore. I'm so proud of her for having fought right until that edge. I wish I had let her go a couple of days earlier than I did, but my vet kept saying to give it one more day. She thought maybe the medicine would kick in. But Emmie was miserable - she was practically gone already. In a matter of a few days she went from a kitty who jumped up on the desk and batted at the mouse pointer on the screen to one who crouched in a corner, head down, miserable.

You did the right thing for your Bubba, and then Bubba showed his love for you by not putting you through having to bring him to the vet and take the last injections. He died in your arms at home as his final gift to you.

My best to you, and to everyone else on this thread who has lost their loved ones.


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Bubsmom
I thank you all for your posts.  It's comforting to know that what I'm feeling is normal, albeit irrational.  Most days are good, but there are tough ones thrown in the works.  I know we all have them.  And I know my Bubba wouldn't want me to be sad all the time.  Another poster had written about our babies giving us signs.  I was cleaning up my e-mail box this morning, and ran across an old e-mail where I was describing to my husband how Bubba had been a bit naughty and I caught him eating some chili I had forgotten to put away for my lunch.  The memory of the sight of him scattering like a cockroach when I turned on the light with chili all over his face had me laughing all over again.  Even when I was having a sad moment, he came back and made me laugh all over again.  That was my Bubba.  :)     
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Meghanm
Hi Bubsmom. Please don't dismiss your feelings as irrational, you are having them and experiencing them for a reason. I think so often we try to push our feelings aside or just say, "oh I am being silly". You have experienced a very powerful loss and my heart breaks for you. Everyone on this board understands on some level what you are going through. Please know that this is a safe haven for you where you can express any  feeling you might be having and you are amongst friends. :)
Meghan

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever." ~ The Crow

"We don't "get over" our losses and just move on, we learn to live differently."
~ http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html
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marty

Hey Bubsmom,    I'm glad that with each minute and day that you will be okay.    Memories of our fur -babies start at the beginning, not at the end.  The end Is bad, but there's alot of life between the beginning and the end.  there's times that you laugh for they are funny and times you are upset for they have done something bad-----------ooops!     Remember the good times and not his death.   I'm here and always ready to talk-------------Marty and critters

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Loving_Ayesha
Bub'sMom:

So sorry for your loss. This is my first post. I will soon write about my little cat, Ayesha, who went to the Bridge late last month.
I am pleased and amazed by the abundant love expressed here.

"A performing artist she; she purred with the mastery of an accomplished musician."
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