patent123
When my FC was first injured I knew deep down she would be going.  Of course I hoped some sort of miracle would happen.  Our family dogs before her I knew with each one when it was their time.  I guess I have always been able to sense when it was someones time.  With our first dog I knew old age was taking its toll on him and he was in pain so I convinced my mom to let me take him in to the vet...of course our vet confirmed my thoughts and I sat with him as it was done.  This was my first experience with putting an animal to sleep. 

Next it was my dachshund who became ill and had to have emergency surgery.  I had a feeling she was in bad shape even though she had made it through surgery and was said to be doing very well afterwards.  Sadly my girl died over night at the vets office.  When I got the call I knew before I was even told. 

A month later my moms dog (and the mother to mine) collapsed on the floor.  I convinced my mom to take her in to the emergency vet.  While my mom was getting ready to leave I sat with our dog.  I remember telling her she wouldn't be coming back and I said my goodbyes.  An hour later my mom called to tell me it was bad so I drove to my mom and I sat with our dog since my mom emotionally wasn't ready to do something like that.  

A couple years past and this time it was my girl FC who was injured.  You think after going through this with 3 other dogs I would be more prepared...I wasn't! As many of you know she suffered many minor back injuries through out her short life.  Eventually one ruptured her disc which paralyzed her.  When I first went to the emergency vet and was told what happened I knew it was bad.  I knew deep down my time was limited.  However, being this was an animal I had completely attached myself to I was in some denial.  I took her home and laid in bed with her.  This was a failed attempt considering she was so uncomfortable I ended up placing her on the floor on her bed.  The following morning I had accepted that I would be taking her in and saying goodbye.  

My vet suggested I try a few routes of treatment and give it a couple days.  I had a small glimpse of hope.  I knew the odds were against me and just like my dogs before her I had that pit in my stomach that things would go bad.  Obviously things did not improve and I carried my poor girl in and said goodbye. 

It has been 6 months now with out her and life is just not the same.  My girl was with me through so many major life moments.  She was 100% a part of my family someone my life revolved around.  I knew a day would come that she would leave.  I knew I would be sad but never did I think 6 months later I would still feel this way. Completely heartbroken. 

I tried to do some research on what her life would be like had I kept her around.  Trying to find out if I in fact did the best thing for her or if I ended our journey to soon.  Had I kept her she would still be paralyzed, potentially in extreme pain, and would most likely develop additional health issues from not being able to empty her own bladder, skin sores/infections, and a slew of other things.  After reading about these things I know to put her through that wouldn't have been fair.  I know I did the right thing but I wish I could accept things.  I see other dogs in wheel chairs living the life! I wish she could have been a candidate for that. Every time I think I am accepting my new life and coming to terms with things I just have another crappy day.  I know I am adjusting to things I have more better days now then intially...all the same its still sad.  

It also makes me think back to our other pets & family that we have lost and makes me miss them as well. The struggle continues to pick up and move on. 
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AliceM
I am so very sorry that your are still struggling with your losses.  You only hope the day will finally come where you feel no pain and you can actually enjoy life again.  My loss is very fresh (Wed.) and there are time when I have to tell myself to breathe.  I hope your pain will lessen somewhere down the road.  It is so very hard to lose our babies.
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Leahbeahis
I'm so sorry you are reliving your past losses while also trying to cope with this one. I feel the same way. I try to have good days since I can't change the fact that Lucy is gone, but the pain is too deep. You did what was best for your baby and she knows that too. No matter how many losses you go through, you can never be prepared for that pain. Life can be harsh. I try to hold on to the relationship and the bond I had with my girl because she was a light in my life. One day at a time.
~ Leah
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MuchasMom
I am so sorry for the loss of your darling girl, and your continued grief. I lost my cat Mucha to a very similar situation - a ruptured disc had paralyzed him, and while they told me surgery was still an option, the likelihood of a good recovery was very slim due to several factors. I chose to say goodbye. I think what makes things so hard for those of us in this situation is that our pets weren't terminally ill, or actually dying, but we made the choice to let them go based on the quality of life they would have in the future. Like you, many times I have wondered if I should have done more, if I should have given him that chance. It hurts so very much, and 3 months after saying goodbye I still cry for him. But I know in my heart that I made the right choice for him, and if he were still here but in constant pain I would be hurting just as much as I am now, probably even more knowing I had caused it. When I miss him the most, I question myself the most. 

I hope that as more time goes by things get easier for you. I know I still have very bad days, but overall I can see that I am recovering slowly. We will love our babies forever, they were so special to us, and it's hard sometimes to feel like it is OK to be happy, but I think that they would want us to have that happiness, every day. Sending you all the best, and wishing you peace.
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tramseyer
Patent123, as much as it hurt and hurts, you did the right thing.  Yours and FC's experience parallel mine and Heidi's so much.  We had talked, in September/October 2013, with Dr. Christman, about surgery and getting her a cart, but decided against it, based on where the break was, and how difficult any surgery would be, with no guarantees. The rest of her was strong and healthy, she adapted well, and we had pads and a bathtub and a tremendous amount of love - and for over a year she survived and thrived. 

I still blame myself, and probably always will, for dropping the ball. We had vet visits every month, and they were always status quo, and we needed the money elsewhere, especially with Christmas and I lost one of my two part time jobs, and then Dad had a medical emergency in early December and spent a couple of days/nights in the hospital, and our house is always cold in the winter... and so on.

All excuses.  

I didn't give Heidi a butt bath every day like I had been, and didn't check further underneath.  Then one day there was a little bit blood on the pad, and it got a little worse,  and sometimes it would be there and sometimes not, and I didn't have the money to take her to Dr. Christman's, and Mom and Dad said they didn't have the money to help - and so on and so forth, and I thought that she had developed a callus on her butt after over a year - never dreamed that it had come off.  

Then she was here on my bed, on Grandma's lap getting combed, and she turned one way, and I saw - and my heart went to the floor.  On the underside of her little butt, it was blood everywhere. Her bone was gone, and she was scooting on the skin underneath, I will NEVER forgive myself.  She never complained, my stoic girl, but I am her Mommy, I should have known better.  I dropped the ball, and she got an infection, or something, and she had gone downhill from that, and it was too late to save her. 

We cleaned it and babied it with aloe vera that night, but it wasn't but a couple of days later, on a Wednesday morning, that I was home with her, and she started yipping, like she was in pain. My sweet precious girl, who never cried or complained once when she came out of anesthetic after having 7 (or was it 9?) teeth pulled at once after we got her, couldn't keep from crying even though she was smiling at me and pretending everything was fine.

So I called Dr. Christman, who pops in to check on his patients even while on vacation, and explained, and he called back and said to bring her asap, and I called Mom and Dad to get them home, and we took off hoping that Dr. Christman could pull off one more miracle (if anyone could, he can), but, unfortunately, Heidi's little body couldn't go anymore, and had other plans. 

The only comfort I have is that he said I had been a wonderful Mommy, and that she was already on her journey, and wouldn't have lasted the night. We made the decision to help her go so she wouldn't be in any more pain.  She cuddled up to me one last time as we went back, because I wasn't going to let my girl go without me, as Maggie had, and a few minutes later, she was gone.  I kept telling her I loved her and not to be scared - it would be a big deal to me to go alone after almost 8 1/2 years of being Mommy's shadow.  I was comforted later to learn that Cuz's friend's dog had died at about the same time, so my precious furbaby wasn't alone or as afraid; she was never really comfortable with other animals, unless they were Gizzy or Thumper, which she got used to.

I like to think of her and FC, palling around at the Bridge.  She's comfortable there now, she knows she's loved and that one of us will soon come to get her and the others. I talk to her now and then, and sometimes I hear the same "voice" in my head as I heard when I tried to communicate with her silently here, so I think she hears and understands and answers.  

It will be a glorious day when we join our furbabies and walk over that bridge together.  I know of several people and furbabies, including you and FC, on this forum that I will be keeping an eye out for up there  :). 

My point is, and I'm sorry if I got too far off track, neither of us would really want to see our precious babies suffer.  I want Heidi back so badly sometimes that I could taste it, but I know it would never ever be fair to her, and it would hurt me more knowing I was the cause of her pain.  I don't think any of that, or of the other possibilities that you found, would really be what we want for our girls. 

Thinking about and praying for you tonight - and for me too. 

Theresa 
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