I put my baby girl to sleep on 5/8. She was 16 and a half years old.  She had cushion's, bladder tumor that came back a year after surgery/removal and then kidney failure. She was my first dog and my heart dog. For some reason, I always thought she would be with me well into my golden years.

When I learned she had kidney failure and a developing heart murmur, we tried the sub q fluids once. It seemed to help that one night and she slid back again and I decided to say goodbye 2 days later. On that last day with her, she wasn't herself. But when the vet came to our home, she went for 1 more brief walk. Then walked in circles again. Then had a whole treat. It was like she rallied for me. She gave us the best kisses and cuddles that last few hours with us.

In my mind, I know she was being so brave and fought so hard. She was on so much meds and didn't feel like herself. But her spirit seemed to say she wasn't ready. But I couldn't do it anymore and I let her go.  I hate myself every day for it and have fleeting thoughts of suicide.

I have gone to support groups and this website has been so helpful. But I finally walked by my vet's office last week and asked for a sign if I should go in to talk to him. I walked by and saw through the front door's glass and made eye contact with my vet since he was standing at the reception area. I took that as a sign.

I walked in and asked if he had time to talk for a few minutes. He took me in right away since he was in between patients. I expressed the guilt I felt and asked if I was too soon/rushed or if it was a convenient euthanasia. I asked if I could have waited another month.

He said in his professional medical opinion that I could have waited another month but it would have been an uncomfortable month for my girl. He reminded me to hold onto to the good memories and that I gave her a good life. He said that he knew the moment he met us that we loved and deeply cared for our baby girl.  His words brought a lot of comforts and it's amazing how my mind still sometimes works against his words.  I thanked him at the end and he said I was always welcome to talk to him again. And I said if I was ever ready for another dog, he would be our vet again.

It's still hard to believe she's gone.  I started to dog sit for friends/neighbors. It's hard because they are just as easy to love but it also feels like I should be giving all this love to my girl instead.

People are right. I will never be the same nor do I want to be. But in the end, I just want to be with her and I hope she forgives me.

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