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April_Scott

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Reply with quote  #1 
Today has started off being a really bad day. I lost my almost 13 year old Labrador named Quazar on Easter Sunday. It was unexpected and heart wrenching. We had no idea this was going to happen. He started to have laboured breathing and his respiration rate went from his normal to arround 28 breath per minute. His mucous membranes where pale. Went to the vet on Saturday and they thought he had aspiration pneumonia, after hours of treatment we were sent home at 5pm. No improvement which lead us to emergency where he was diagnosed right away with a heart hemangiosarcoma that burster filling the pericardium sac arround the heart with blood. We were told there was no good treatment options. They advised that they could drain the pericardium sac arround the heart but that the procedure could result in cardiac arrest and possible death. The tumor could refill in minutes to hours to days or weeks. We could then follow up with surgery and chemo and radiation that could provide on average maybe 6 months. I could not let him suffer or put him through all this treatment for me to have more time with him. We choose to be by his side and help him cross the rainbow bridge. My heart achs and is in pieces. It hurts more then ever before. I've lost friends and family, but this is different, he was my heart dog, the best dog, my king and faithful companion.

I have so many regrets. We were at our vet 11 days before this happend, blood work normal and I was told he was healthy. I've asked my vet the last two years to run a cancer screening test, she dosnt do it. I know the test doesn't show what type of cancer but would show that there is something not right. I could of then started supplementing him with the proper herbal remedies that a holistic vet has now shared with me. I should of found a vet that would do this test. I will never be able to come to terms with this fact. I could of slowed down the cancer, bought him more time.

I hope one day I can come to terms with this tragedy but understand that it's part of having a dog, their lifespan is too short and I'm a sucker for big beautiful dogs. It's a shame the bigger the dog the shorter the lifespan, why can't they be like elephants or parrots.

My heart is in pieces and a huge piece went with my boy. I hope when we are ready and adopt a new family member that it will fill in that hole just a little bit. Because life without a dog or pet is no life at all.

I have tried so hard to be logical about the situation, but my heart is winning. I feel like I failed my faithful companion and that I could of done better. I have read 2 books on grief and many articles and it has not lessend or helped with the pain. I miss him so very much, he was truly a gift and I'm trying to be grateful that I was lucky enough to be graced with such a special dog. He loved everyone, especially the elderly, when we would frequent the local elderly community center on walks,he would make sure to engage with the individuals that wanted to. He knew who to target and he always made their day happier. He made every day sparkly for me. My noble and true Quazar, the best dog i could of ever asked for. He was so easy to train, so very curious and scarred of nothing. He even loved fireworks, he would bark at me and ask to go sit outside and watch. I have never heard of a dog liking let alone loving fireworks, normally the opposite is true. He was special, the way he watched the fireworks was like he was mesmarised and showed such happiness. We live close to where they lit them in our city, so he enjoyed this a couple times a year. Truly special to witness a dog staring up at the sky in amazement.

Thank you to each and every one who took the time to read my post, if you have any advice to share it would be greatly appreciated and needed. Thank you, and to others dealing with grief, I am so very sorry for your loss, I wish I could say something to ease the pain, all I have right now is big hugs I'm sending your way.

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April Scott

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Toulajit

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Reply with quote  #2 
I don't think there is ever good advice when you are going through what you are going through. The only thing that helps is time. I am so sorry for your loss and know that there are so many of us that have lost a beloved fur baby and the pain never really goes away, you just learn to live with it a little more as each day, week, month passes.
I lost 3 cats in a year. One was a sudden death, one to cancer and one to a dog attack. Needless to say I was beyond devastated...I felt like soul was dead for a long time. They were my everything. What helped me was memorializing them. I know it doesn't help everyone but maybe you can give it a try.
I put up a collage photo frame, with the rainbow bridge poem, right next to my bed. I got a ring made on Etsy, with their faces and names. I look at these things every day and sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they make me miss them more. But I love seeing their faces every day, in the only way i'm able to.
I dedicated a flower garden to them and put some memorial solar garden stakes that I received from friends.
I hope you find peace soon and how and when you find it will come with time.
Sending so many hugs your way!
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CK1991

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Reply with quote  #3 
Dear April, I’m very sorry for your loss of Quazar. I’ve never heard of a dog watching fireworks before! That’s so delightful to think of him looking at the sky and enjoying the view! I think it’s quite normal to feel everything you are feeling. Everyone who comes to this Rainbow Bridge forum is here because of a broken heart, literally. We loved our pets like children and also as you said: they are faithful companions. It’s not always easy to find that pure love with human beings so when our loving pet dies a little part of us goes with them. As Toulajit mentioned it can be quite helpful to have a memorial set up in your home somewhere. You can feel close to Quazar this way. I also think you should watch out for signs from Quazar. He may try and let you know that he is okay and close by watching you. Sometimes we are feeling so bereaved that we may miss them. I hope you do get some signs so that you will know Quazar is in a happy place. He just needs for you to be okay so that he can truly be at peace. Hugs to you!!
CK
I edited to say I just saw his picture as I hit reply and he is such a handsome boy who has a look of pure joy about him!
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camunki

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Reply with quote  #4 
I am so sorry for the loss of your Quazar, and a beautiful pic you posted of your baby.

Yes, cancer sucks, I went thru a similiar issue, of blaming myself when my Munki crossed over to the rainbow bridge, she had cancer and it spread to her chest. I wish i did a Radiograph a few months prior, then maybe I could have stopped this cancer. My Munki crossed in Dec (of 2015) and a Radiograph was done in November, but it was a bit too late, there were so many "nodules" seen on the Radiograph and within a week I had to lay her to rest. I blame myself cuz back in July I should have had a Radiograph done, I didn't because I just had one done in June and it showed only ONE nodule that was NOT growing, but as you can see, nodules grow and cancer spreads. Thing is i did keep blaming myself, but honestly I could get a Radiograph done at any given time, and it still may have showed only slight nodules, and unless I had a Radiograph done every week, i would never be able to keep up with the cancer, cancer is tricky, one day your pet may be fine, and the next day the nodules spread like wildfire. It took me a while to stop blaming myself, and my doctor for not offering to take the test too!!, We just never know when its time for our babies to go on to their next world.

I am glad you gave your Quazar so much love and he loved fireworks!! how amazing, most dogs are scared of those. You gave your Quazar so much love and this path we call grieving is a very difficult one, keep your babys memory alive by posting...and sending you (((hugs))) along the way.

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Mistysmama

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Reply with quote  #5 
April, you wrote so beautifully about Quazar, I could almost see him. What a wonderful Soul. Yes you were very blessed (and still are!) to have such a Soul as a friend and spiritual companion.

Yes it's true we never know when it is their time to leave. They stay in touch via Love. They don't stop loving us.

The image of him barking and going outside to watch the fireworks was so lovely.
I very much hope my own dog and I get to meet Quazar one day when I also cross over!

Do be open to him coming to "visit" you -and this is something you are likely to feel in a Heartfelt sense.....or in a dream?  But send him your love as often as you wish, and all the memories and hopes of a love you share.

He's real, and he's really okay and loves you at least as much as he always did. From what Misty showed me....they seem to love us even more which is amazing.

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Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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Karensmith

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Reply with quote  #6 
I’m sorry for your loss. It really is the worst pain many of us have experienced. I also went through many of the same emotions of regret and it’s normal even if it’s not rational. Months and months of crying fits and darkness. I will say that at almost 11 months later the pain is not as raw. I still have my moments when grief hits but it isn’t daily anymore. I tell you this so that you know there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel your in but it takes time and longer than you’d imagine. We planted a new tree in his memory. We have an engraved stone under it with his name on it. I have his ashes and pictures on my mantle just to give you some ideas to deal with things. It’s gotten easier but I’ll miss him forever as you will with yours. Take it one day at a time!
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April_Scott

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you for your kind reply,  your response did help, because your right cancer is unpredictable,  it just hurts as I should of fought harder for testing. I won't make that mistake again. But then again the outcome would of eventually  been the same, or maybe had a few extra weeks or months.  I am so very sorry you went through a similar experience, and at the loss of your beloved fur baby. Thank you for the compassion you have shown towards me and for sharing your experience.
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April Scott
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April_Scott

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Reply with quote  #8 
Thank you for the kind response. You are right they do love us unconditionally and always without judgement. The best friend I've ever had, he was truly special and made my life complete. I am very thankful. I'm hoping to feel complete like that one day soon again. I don't feel like im complete without a dog and know my heart needs one soon. I hope to get signs from him, it would be comforting.  Thank you for your compassionate words, they mean so very much to me.
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April Scott
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samikat26

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Reply with quote  #9 
Hi April, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am going through the same thing. I lost my first baby, Holly, February 20th 2018. She was the first dog I had as an adult. I bought my house and then got her.. She was aging and I knew it was coming and while it was hard, I had lots of time to prepare for it. My 2nd baby, Boris died July 6th, 2018 and like yours was a complete surprise. He was a Husky I rescued at 11 months old. He had a birth defect and the specialist said I should put him down. He was only a year. Instead, I researched and learned that OSU could save him. They did and I got to love him for 9 more years. On July 3rd, he started drooling uncontrollably, but was otherwise ok so I took him to the vet on the 5th. Dr. T called and said he was a very sick boy and to take him home and love him. There wasn't anything they could do. Boris died at 3:00 am on the 6th and nothings been right since. I didn't even get dressed the first few days. I was so numb and shocked. I cried as hard as I've ever cried for days afterwards and I still break down, it just doesn't last as long. I would comb rescue sites thinking I would get another dog, but realized I was looking for Boris and Holly. I have another dog that I still had to take care of, but going back to the places we walked without Holly and Boris was agonizing. Boris had to wear jingle bells because he loved roaming the woods and if I couldn't see him, I could always hear him. The silence of those walks after he died was deafening and lonely. Holly would always run ahead a little, stop, look back and waited until I caught up. She never left my side for long. I keep waiting for it to get easier, but anytime I think of them I just fall apart. Like your baby, they were everything to me. We went through some of the hardest times of my life together.. I love them so much and I miss them ever single day. When I walk now I'm always looking for them. I don't know if there are actual "signs" from them, but I do remember looking at some yellow wild flowers and suddenly felt Holly. Holly was in the flowers. Another time, I walked past an area and about 30 to 40 Monarch butterflies flew up right beside me. I've never seen anything like it in my life and haven't since. I felt Boris in the butterflies. So now I'm creating a wildflower bed with lots of milkweed for Holly and Boris. That way I'll have the yellow flowers and lots of Monarchs in my  back yard, the only home either one of them knew. The other thing I found that helps is a pet loss support group through our local humane society. We only meet once a month (I wish it were more), but there are people like me, whose animals were the world to them and their loss and sadness is as deep and profound as mine. It may help. I wish you peace and healing.
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Mom2Baiely

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Reply with quote  #10 
I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Quazer- He’s a handsome boy! I wish I had some pearls of wisdom that could ease the pain you feel right now..just be kind and patient with yourself. My boy Bailey passed on 3/4/19. Similar circumstances in that okay one day and paralyzed just hours later. I’m heartbroken and lost on here which tells Baileys last days- II think the unexpected loss can be the worst as it’s a gut punch. I couldn’t think straight or sleep for first month. I pray for strength and love for you during this difficult time - xxx
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #11 
I am so very sorry for the loss of your Boy Quazar
He sounded like a speacial Boy indeed, liking Fireworks. My Boy was so scared, lol.. You should know u did all you could with the circumstance at hand. We always wish we could have done this or that! But unfortunately, we cannot control the outcome. I still struggle as you are now. It will take time to process it all. We all understand every feeling you have, and there are great people here to talk too, that know what you are going through. Try to write to your Quazar, as it does help!
I send Hugs and Prayers

Know your Quazar walks by your side every day!

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My boy, Brownie

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April_Scott

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Reply with quote  #12 
Bailey's momI read your post and my already broken heart achs even more. I am so very sorry you went threw a similar and unexpected loss as I did. Labradors have such a special soul, and it hurts me to see any one lose their fur baby, but I have a very strong bond to the breed.  Your Bailey was so very good looking and you can see how very happy his soul was and still is. I too have not been able to sleep, I'm lucky if I doze off for 30m, my Quazar was always beside me when i slept, I miss his smell, his warmth and the cute sounds he would make when he dreamed. In reality, I miss everything about him. Like yours he was my everything,  made my day sparkle. I just hope one day i can get the image of him in distress  and how hard he was fighting out of my thoughts, this is still happening every hour if not more. I want to remember all our good times, but our final farewell was devastating.Thank you for your reply.
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April Scott
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Lrogers424

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Reply with quote  #13 
Hi April,

I am so sorry for the loss of your special boy Quazar.  You are so right...they are more than family, more than friend...they become our little furry soulmates.  I lost my sweet girl, Daisy, last July to urinal cancer that had spread throughout her body.  There was nothing that could be done for her and we also had to make that heartbreaking decision.  She had only fallen ill two weeks before with what we thought was a routine UTI. Looking back there were other subtle signs about 6 months before, but the vet checked her out and she was fine.  Outwardly, she was the picture of health, active and happy so it was all so sudden.  She received the final diagnosis on a Wednesday and she died in my arms on Friday. I could not let her suffer...my stoic, happy little girl who had given me nothing but love, companionship and devotion for 9 years.  I've relived the day she died hundreds of times and I know I made the right decision, but it still haunts me.

I will tell you, 10 months later, that there is life and love after such a loss.  We adopted again in the fall and now are the proud parents of a 9 month old puppy. I still grieve over Daisy and I know that 1 year is coming up, but there are many souls to love in this life.  Though it breaks us apart when they leave us, we all would still do it all over again.  I know someday, I will say good bye to my new little love, Luna.  But we will have many years of love, puppy adventures, quiet times and play together.  I will give her the best life I can, just like I gave to Daisy.  And when the time comes, I will also hold her in my arms and tell her the last thing I told Daisy:  "You completed your mission in life; you loved and were loved...deeply, truly loved."

April, you are not alone if your grief and we are all here to listen, help and understand what you are going through.  Whenever you need to talk, we are here.

Take good care of yourself,

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Lori, Daisy's Mom and now Luna's Mom
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