It's been almost 6 weeks since I lost my Dickens and it's still like I can't believe he's gone. But the time is going by and I'm forced to put my mind on other things in order to function. I still have anxiety and depression and it's very hard to concentrate.
I don't want to put him out of my mind. I read that many of you have made collages or other tributes to your pets but I haven't been able to look at a picture of Dickens since he's been gone. Is that normal? It doesn't feel normal. I'm just afraid if I look at his picture I'll cry and not be able to stop.
I miss him so much. I know I have to face the picture. I'm being forced to move on and I don't want to. My husband has totally moved on and I sense he's getting irritated with me and expecting more from me. It's very hard for me to concentrate so I move and talk and think slow.
It was just such a shock losing him. I never expected I'd leave him at the vets and he would die there. He had some serious things going on but it was hard to tell. No sense in going into all that again. But I blame myself for missing something.
He deserved the best. The last few days I thought I was getting a speck better but today I'm just a mess. I feel like I'm moving on without him. I've been trying to catch up on things around the house to keep my mind occupied. But then I remember Dickens is gone and not coming back. And it hits me like a ton of bricks. The morning when I wake up is the worst because he's not beside me in bed.
And I know more grief is coming. I have a 16 year old goat that I know is on his last legs. Also have a 17 year old cat that just had a cancerous tumor removed from her bladder. The goat or the cat I was expecting might go first but not Dickens. Dickens had been healthy right up to the end or at least it seemed so. His death was a complete shock. I'm sorry this is so long and I thank anyone who takes the time to read it. I just had to get it out.
Thank you,
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It's been just over a month since I lost Jasmine, and about 6 weeks since Zoe, and I still get a sudden, sharp sense of loss.  I cried this morning because we got a notice from our vet that they made a contribution in our girls' names to a local business that trains dogs for veterans.  It has been getting better and I can think about good times more than the last, bad times, but I am still grieving a lot. I think some people can move on faster than others, but that doesn't mean those of us who can't are doing anything wrong. Everyone grieves differently.  I am fortunate to still have two dogs, although our oldest is having trouble with her arthritis and I am worrying about what to do for her to keep her going as long as we can/should. She's still otherwise healthy and mostly happy, but seems pissed off that we can't go for walks the way we used to do.  My other shepherd is around 10 yo now, and she seems to be having a little trouble with going up steps, which is new, but otherwise is OK. She is much more nervous when I go out now, and much clingier than she used to be, so I have been staying home more.  It's an adjustment for all of us.    

I think it helps to express these feelings here to others that (unfortunately) are having similar experiences and need support.  Write everyday if it helps.  
Carole, Mom to Zoe, who crossed the bridge on 7/5/18, Jasmine, who crossed on 7/14/18, and Layla, on 12/1/18, all will forever be in my heart, and ongoing mom to Roxie.
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Skmk, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Everyone grieves their own way and process it at their own pace. Why are some so quick to get past it I don't know. My husband did not mourn the loss of our babies the same way I am still mourning. Maybe because we are the "moms", I'm not sure why. The guilt and blame we put on ourselves is normal, we are the caregivers and expect to catch everything but we are only human. Max's vet told me he was a "great little liar" because unless you looked at his blood work you would never guess he was as sick as he was. I still blame myself for not knowing he was so ill. I should still have him with me but I also know that I did the best I could once I found out he was sick and he still died. I can beat myself up until the day I die and it will not change anything. I honestly thought I had at least 5 more years with Max. As for looking at pictures, I am able to but still get chocked up. I can talk about my babies but looking at their pictures still makes me cry because I want to hold them once again. I'm crying as I write this and it has been over 2 months for Max and 5 weeks for Bailey. The "brain fog" is also very difficult to deal with.  At work it takes me twice as long to do everything because I have to constantly stop and think, what am I doing again? It seems as if the world is going 100 mph and it's not supposed to. Bailey's death was also a shock for me and something I will never get over, but somehow I have to get past. It will always be a part of who I am and it will always make me cry. Writing about it definitely helps and knowing other feel the same way help you realize that you are not crazy and are not alone on this long and painful road.
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