I am new to the forum and a cat mom.

I lost my beautiful girl, Cleo who had just turned 12 in January this year. She had been getting sick and when I took her to the vet, his stand-in said he thought it could be a hernia, so he gave us meds and she seemed better but as soon as this was finished, she got back to vomitting again. Went back, got more meds. My vet returned from holiday and he said we must do xrays as the vomitting is going on too long and he saw something in her stomach. He said he didn't think it was cancer as the shape was completely round and regular, thought it could be a bead or something she might have swallowed. I was told to bring her back 2 days later so he could operate. I didn't feel comfortable at all and when I arrived for him to operate on her I burst into tears and he said we won't do the op, he'll give her some meds to try and get her stomach moving and move whatever it was along naturally and for me to come back on the Monday. Monday I go back, more xrays and it hasn't moved. He said he has to operate as whatever it is could rupture, so I had no option. Had to leave her there overnight. On the Tuesday, while he was operating he phoned me at work and said "I have very bad news, it is cancer (squamous cell carcinoma), a very aggressive cancer that had spread to the esophagus, please can I put her to sleep". I was so shocked and distraught. I asked whether he could put her to sleep later when I get there, but he said she will be in terrible pain as he had cut her stomach open. Of course, I didn't want her to be in any pain and let him put her to sleep. I got there an hour later to say goodbye to my beautiful Clee. I feel so guilty that she was all alone the night before and I wasn't with her when she passed. Cleo and I really understood each other. People used to laugh when I said that, but she and I truly communicated! We shared a very strong bond and I pray that we still share this bond and love.

Then I took in a stray kitten about 2 weeks later and this little one wasn't well to begin with and she died very soon after.

Then my Minnie who was 11 years old also started vomiting, took her to the vet on Saturday and got the shock of my life when he told me she is in kidney failure. He said we could put her on a drip for 48 hours but the prognosis was very poor as the blood tests came back with extremely high results that the computer couldn't even pick up. My son and I decided that it was best for her to be put to sleep and I am pleased that we were with her at the end me holding her and she wasn't alone. She went very peacefully. When I went to fetch her ashes yesterday, I spoke to the vet and he said her kidneys were operating on only about 5%. He said cats mask a lot of their symptoms so when we see symptoms, things are not always so good. My poor sweet Minnie, I didn't even know she was so sick.

But here I am, now a complete basket case!!!! My anxiety has come back full force, depression and just such utter loneliness.

It was my best, to just be lying in bed, reading or watching tv with my 2 girls next to me. I so loved that.

I do have another cat, Sugar who I adopted as a stray a few months ago. She is a very sweet and affectionate girl but we are still getting used to each other.

Mommy loves and misses you so so much, Clee and Min.

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Oh lynne i am so sorry and know exactly what your going thru, i also lost both my kitties this month, one on aug 4 and the other this past monday, one from cancer and one from renal failure as well, its just awful, i dont have any other kitties, they were my life, they were also snuggle bugs, laying with me in bed or on the couch, wherever i was they were, and now its just empty and lonely in my home, so know you are not alone in your grief, and i can really relate to losing two and to exactly the same diseases, i was the same way with my Matilda, i was so taken over with caring for Jinx who had cancer i didnt notice the subtle signs her CRf was getting worse, and then we had to put him to sleep and the next day, she really declined, she must have been getting sicker the whole time, but i was so wrapped up in him i didnt see it, as his cancer was a visible disease, her kidney disease was not, i blame myself alot, for not paying more attention as well, but i know she didnt mind him getting the extra attention as she knew he needed it more at the time, and i too feel anxiety and guilt that if only i had seen it sooner, maybe i could have gotten more time with her, but i cant do that to myself, its just torture, the important thing is that i believe they both knew how much i loved them, i basically had hospice care in my home for 8 months, with meds and syringes and fluids for both of them, i did all i could for them and that does give me some comfort, that i did everything i knew to do at the time to help them and try to make them better, but unfortunately cancer and crf are uncurable progressive diseases and i knew these days would come, i just didnt know how soon and how close together they would leave me, the loss is catastrophic to my life, as i feel guilty for the relief of no more living in cages at the vets being treated,no more needles, no more pain, but i want them back anyway, which wouldnt be fair to them to live that way, thats what we have to remember, no more pain, no more suffering, they are free and whole again, and just like the rainbow bridge poem says, waiting for us

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Emunah,  All that loss in your life no wonder you are riddled with depression   i am so sorry.
You are experiencing deep grief which is a tough and painful journey.  There is peace at the end but on when the time is right.   We all share this sorrow with you.  You are not alone.

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Thank you Kathy and Kate. I feel comforted that I am not alone in this grief. Our babies love so unconditional, I miss them so very much!
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I am so, so sorry for the terrible losses you have suffered through. I lost my beloved cat, Buster, just over a week ago and can relate to the pain and sorrow you are going through.
The whole vet experience sounds like a nightmare that no pet or pet owner should have to go through. We want the best for our beloved pets and it sounds as though you did everything you could do to love and care for your charges.

My sorrow is endless and, maybe, all of us who are going through the same type of sadness can add a little bit more love to the world with all of the love that is still within us that can no longer be given to our dogs and cats who have left us. Their reflective light and joy can help make the world around us a better place.

I wish us all peace.
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I read your post and share your sadness along with the others on this site.  I had just shared my feelings which went with my Maggie.  I had tried to just put them on the shelf and not truly deal with them until a trusted person told me I needed to go through some old fashioned sadness with her loss.  With her ongoing health problems of almost two years, I look back and see where my sadness had been growing that length of time.  This tells me I didn't get this way overnight, and don't see me getting out of it overnight, but with friends on this site I do believe we can all cope better day by day. Peace and tranquility to you.  
Maggie's Dad
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I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet precious Cleo.

The beginning raw searing pain of new grief is just awful.

They take a piece of us when they go,

But they leave a piece of them with us also.

Grief is awful and there is nothing else like this pain.

I am divorced - when I was married I buried my son- at that time I became a Certified Grief Counselor- I used the same graveside service for my Bear as I did for my son.

Please know that when we lose someone we love we don't stop loving them -


The soul bound connection that is between our babies and ourselves is forever.

Nothing - not death- tears -grief - or sadness will ever break the ties between us for those ties are made of LOVE so strong that NOTHING will ever sever those connections.


When we grieve for those we love it is because we do not quite know how to live without them. We breathe because we have no choice but the living part takes a huge amount of learning and time.

Grief is not something we get over but something that we learn -slowly- over time- to incorporate into our lives until it becomes a part of us like our bones and our breath.

Please know that we all understand here and we are all here for you.

Please come back and tell us more about your life with your beautiful baby so we can get to know her  better through you.

We are all in this together and all walking the same roller coaster path of grief together -

some a bit ahead of you, some by your side, and some will come behind for you to help along.

If you read the beginning of any one of our threads you will see yourself. I, literally, walked in circles wringing my hands. My chest constantly hurt as I was unknowingly holding my breath.

You Are In My Thoughts.                                       



In one of the stars, I shall be living.

In one of them, I shall be laughing.

And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.

~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery



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I Am Not There

By Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I did not die.



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Dear Emunah, Thank you for commenting on my dog Memphis yesterday in my thread.  It warmed my heart and made me feel better automatically. 

I am thinking of you, Minnie, Cleo & Miss Sugar this morning.  I know all three are in your heart and are going to help you through this pain.  I know the loss you feel is IMMENSE.  I feel it too.  I want you to stay strong and know that you are not alone.  This is a time for you to grow close to your Sugar-Baby and allow her to truly earn your heart, little by little, day by day.  I am so blessed that I have another big dog, Neek & two kitties right now.  My cats names are Buzz and Lola.  Even though they can be pushy about it, they are more aware of my feelings than I am.  With a "skill" like that, how can it not carry over to heaven!?  That means that Clee & Minnie are aware you're struggling right now and that they'll help.....

Take care of yourself.  Eat right.  Sleep.  Get fresh air and take a walk.  Go get your nails done or a massage. Buy yourself a nice coffee.  Get through each day knowing that you did things to ease the pain for yourself guided by your kitties.  Don't ever let grief take you over.  They would never want that. 

Praying for you and all the best,
(Memphis's Mom)
If love would have been enough to keep you here, you would have lived forever.  (Memphis 2001-2014)
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Erin, i couldnt have said it better, all i have to do is think about what would happen when i was at home with them and i was unhappy,mad or upset, they felt it and would try to comfort me when the times were unhappy or upset, but when i was mad they would hide under the bed, they couldnt tell the difference that it wasnt them i was mad at, so all of these emotions had an effect on them, and they wouldnt want this, all those emotions at once either, so i am trying to get thru each day and live as they would want me to,  loving them completely and forever, it will take a long time i know, but hopefully we will all get there 
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