Struggling with immeasurable guilt.. sorrow...

My dog poogie was euthanized on Friday the 1st.. and I cannot cope with what I'm feeling.

She was 13 years old and a month and a half ago developed a condition called Masticatory Muscle Myositis.. the muscles in her head first went inflamed and then started atrophying. The only cure was a lot of steroids, so that's what the vet put us on..
The muscles in her body started to die, she became so thin and her face was sunken in. She drank and drank and ate a lot, always hungry.. her legs went from being strong with muscles to being thin and so weak. Frail..
She was the strongest light in my life and she became a shell of what her body used to be, almost in a matter of days.
In spirit she was the same, she was still so happy, still wanted to play, even though she was weak she just wanted to keep going, she acted like nothing was bothering her at all.
We were hoping she would make it through the long course of steroids even though it was causing hell on her body, we knew how strong she was and she would make it. 5 months from now, 6 months.. but she would make it.

Because I'm an idiot, she wasn't spayed..when I adopted her from the shelter she was already pregnant with puppies and so it just got delayed and delayed, and by the time it was okay to do it, I thought her age was going to cause her problems if they put her under to do surgery. i was too scared to lose her and had read horror stories. I thought if I just watched her carefully and got her checked up regularly, it would be fine. I thought it would be the safest thing for her, nothing else to it..

About a week ago she started having thick, irregular discharge, I thought it was just a strange heat brought on by the steroids, which some people said can happen. Because of that I took care of her but didn't call the vet over it until a few days later when I listened to my worries about why it looked different than normal..

She had developed an infection of the uterus, called Pyometra.. it's what I feared..
The vet said she needed to operate immediately because the infection was in her blood.. but the vet said she would more than likely be too weak to go through the surgery because of the large amount of steroids. Her immune system was shot.. she was so weak, sick.. septic, a high fever.. She said her body wouldn't be able to heal, and she would herniate through the incision..
She said that was the most likely scenario. If that happened she'd have to go back under surgery and may not even make it out. She said she was so sick... and that it would essentially drag her body through the ringer without much hope of surviving.

She told me our options and told me what I needed to think about, and she gave her opinion on her survival.. through sobbing and horror I agreed she shouldn't suffer. I didn't want her to die alone and in pain and infected on the operating table..
A couple hours later I told them okay and I signed the papers.. and I led her to the grass under the tree where I told them to do it. I held her there and cried and told her it would be okay as they killed her...

I am so heartbroken and racked with horror and grief and so much guilt, I wish I had given her the chance to see if she could make it.. She was still so full of life, she just wanted to run and play and I took that from her. I know if I could have asked her she would have said please let me live, just give me the chance.. I'm not afraid of the pain. But I just pet her and said it would be alright while I let her die..

I'm not sure what to do with my feelings because I feel like I betrayed her, I should have saved her.. She might have made it and that chance that she might have made it is eating me up inside, it's eating my soul...
When they injected her, fear like I've never known washed through my blood like a cold panic, I felt so scared so horrified, I wanted to beg them to stop but I couldn't d anything.. I wanted to save her, to push them away and save her, but all I could do was pet her and say it's okay it's okay it' sokay until the light went out of her eyes.. her bright eyes

I love her so much and I wish more than anything I could take it back.. even if she was in pain for the end, at least she could have lived another day, seen another bird, been happy about another treat...
She was so full of life, she was the brightest light in my life, she just wanted to live and I took that from her. She would have fought until the end and I didn't let her try..

The vet said I made the right choice, that it was better to do it now than before she was really too ill to even move... but was it the right choice? it's too hard...
I don't know how to get through it, and I can't make peace with myself for the ways I failed.. I loved her so much and if I could have traded places with her I would have in a heartbeat..

So full of sorrow.... and regret.. and I don't know what to do, it just can't be real.. waiting to wake up.
I just feel like I should have given her every day until the end, every single day.. I'm sure she was confused at the end.. confused and scared, and wondering when we were going to go play.. why we were lying here under this tree instead of running down by the water, watching the ducks..

My heart was ripped from my chest... it's still there with her under that tree...
waiting to wake up, want her back, want to hug her so tight and say sorry... but I can't do anything

I love you poogie and I'm so sorry
please come back

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Oh I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you feel. I know exactly what you are going through. You have come to the right place. Everyone here is suffering having lost a loved family member. You are not alone. You will find comfort here. My thoughts are with you. ❤️️
Boo' s mommy
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In so sorry. As I read your story... I recall all the emotions I felt and still do just not as much. I was having an ok day and out of nowhere I just started with the guilt again. I’m 7 months into losing Buddy my 15.5 year old Pomeranian. I want you to know that it will get easier....you may not believe this right now but it will. I think we all want the perfect ending.... no suffering, they just go peacefully in their sleep or something like that. Unfortunately we don’t know how it all will end. I hear you when you say “one more day “. I also felt i robbed my boy of time.. he was also still wide awake... still all there mentally. After one more day we would want another and then another We never want to part with them. As the days and months go by you will be able to see things differently I now see that my boy was old. I look back at pics and realize he had been struggling for a while. Just know that you are not alone, I think we all feel guilt in some way or another and it’s only because we were their caretakers and somewhere in our silly minds we think we are supposed to be perfect. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
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My baby, "Angel" also crossed over the Rainbow Bridge last Friday, June 1, 2018. My story is different, but with the same unbelievable painful result. I, too, am wrestling with guilt. My baby would have been 10 on the 8th of June. I cannot go back and take away her illness and unless she was constantly filled with pain pills, she would hide under my bed and pretty much refuse to come out. When it was time for the next pain pill, I would crush it up, mix it with her most favorite food of all, roast beef. She would smell it and peek out and scarf it down. Then back under the bed until the pain subsided. Only then would she join me on the couch. So much more to the story, but too painful for me to write more. I held her in my arms like one would hold a baby like I had held her hundreds of times before and right before the first injection she looked directly into my eyes as if to say she understood why and gave me her final bit of love.

So, I feel your unfathomable pain and horrendous guilt. Neither of us should have to live with this guilt because we did what we had to do to deliver our babies relief from their illnesses.

I am as sad about your loss as I am of mine. God bless you and Poogie (Poogie was beautiful) and Angel and me!
Darlene A Ross
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Thank you both so much...Thank you for caring.. I'm so sorry any of us have gone through this and I appreciate your words more than I can tell you.

I've never gone through this before, and I've never seen death of something I love so, so much.. let alone feel like I'm responsible for allowing it to happen. Regardless of all of the times I went through scenarios in my head, preparing myself for the inevitable time the end would come, it never prepared me for this. I never imagined it would be like this.. not in the way it happened, not so soon. Not to her. Not when her spirit was so strong. I thought it would be old age that quietly took her in her sleep at home. It would have been out of my hands, and I wouldn't have even see her life leave her.. the pretty picture my mind painted for me was not at all like the reality of it.

You're right that I just would have wanted another day and another day.. even if I was able to keep her for a few more hours, I think I would always feel like I didn't give her enough time. It's so hard.. and I've felt so sick inside, thinking I did the wrong thing. The anguish is indescribable.. Thinking I made such a mistake, I should have told them to wait.
I think I'll feel this way for a long time to come, but your words offer me a little relief.. because you're right. And you've been in this place that I'm in.. I thank you with all my heart.

I really can't tell you how much it touches and helps me that someone is thinking of Poogie and I.. Thank you for any prayers and for knowing how this feels, though I'm so sorry any of us have felt it.
I hope that sweet Buddy and Angel and Poogie are all together and waiting for us.. I'm sure they all know we loved them with all our hearts.

My thoughts are with both of you, thank you for sharing some kindness when my soul feels so broken.. really thank you.
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