On Thurs May 13th, at 11:30am, I had my kitty Tarry put to sleep.  It was by far the hardest decision I have ever made.

She'd been losing lots of weight, she was only 5lbs at her heaviest anyway and about three weeks ago when they weighed her she was at 3lb.

Her quality of life was gone in so many ways.  All she was finally eating were cat treats, she wanted nothing to do with regular food.  She would drink a little water.  She was not leaving the kitchen at all except to go around to the foyer and do her business there.  She no longer would use the litter box. 

I knew she wasn't going to get any better.  She was nearly 20 years old.  In my visit a few weeks ago to the vet I thought we'd probably go ahead and put her to sleep, but in talking with the vet he told me he thought I wasn't quite ready to go ahead.  He said he could give her the fluids under the skin and steroids and I could take a bit of time to work through it all.  He assured me it wouldn't hurt her.  The fluids and steroids perked her up and maybe that was even worse, because they were really only a mask of things to come.

When it all wore off, she was even weaker.  Thursday morning came and I took her in...she never made a move as we drove the two miles to the vet's office.  They were kind and gentle with her, and I know it was the right thing to do.

Afterwards I held her for awhile.  I can not describe how much it struck me how different she looked.  Of course to a great degree it was highly evident she was gone, but it was her overall look, she looked almost healthy.  She looked like she had all her color back, which makes no sense as she is a white cat.  All I could determine was, it was peace.  Yet, it's racked me with guilt because the weeks prior as I was taking care of her day in and out, I apparently didn't see how ravaged she was. 

I've read a lot of posts here and at other sites, and they have been helping over the last few days, so I'm grateful, yet, I think it is going to be a very long time before I'm going to feel better again. 

I feel really lost, but I do know that there is some relief each time I write this story out and I hang on to that with hope.  I know she is all right now and young and healthy...I saw that in her sweet little face.  And there is comfort to believe she is at the Bridge and that I'll see her again one day.  She had just been through so many things with me and that unconditional love is just so precious. 

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Wow 20 years I know this must be so hard on you, I am so sorry.

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I am sorry for your loss.  Maggie would have been 17 yesterday a long time for a dog.  You had your sweet Tarry 20 years.  I well know and understand the bond of love between you two as I had the same with my girl.  The morning she died, she was still able to hold herself up to use the washroom outside.  If I held her and looked at her, she appeared ok.  She too had lost a lot of weight over the last 8 months a pound per month.  Her blood work all came out perfect for a gal her age.  The weight loss is a huge hint that something underlying is going on.  Maggie was hurting/suffering and never let me know. 

It was the hardest decision of my life and I still break down and sob over the loss of her.  I know and am living with the same lost feeling you have.  I wander around the house and feel like my heart has a huge hole in it.  She was my shadow, she was a joy in my life.  Maggie was beautiful every day of her life and even after.  Don't feel guilty or feel you couldn't see that she was ravaged.  I think when you love someone you don't want to see it, you want them to be ok, and they want to be ok for you.  You loved Tarry, and you took great care of her, that is evident by her long life.  She probably didn't move on the way to the vets because she was ready. 

I am with you in your grief. I hope we both find peace.
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Yes, such a loss is very can hurt as much as losing a human friend. My thoughts are with you... I would give anything to be able to hold my Lucy again... maybe one day... I hope

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Linda, I am so sorry to hear about your Tarry. My Poohty Bear, who would have been 20 years old on May 5, passed away on March 17, 2010, just two months ago. He'd had very managable CRF for many years. How fortunate we are to have had so many years with our kitties. I laugh at myself sometimes about how surprised I was that he passed away. I kept expecting all the terrible signs to appear which would tell me it was time to put hm down.  Instead, my kitty did it for me,  just as your Tarry did for you. Pure love. After almost 20 years, it's understood. My thoughts are with you. I know the feeling of having peace but utter devastation at the same time. 
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linda018, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how hard it can be...I lost my kitty Chomi last year, two months after his birthday...he was 11 years and 2 months old...felt like a lifetime...I know in my heart that he is happy at the bridge and he must have met Tarry there...I hope they both are enjoying there, playing around....Chomi was a bit lazy and Tarry are in my prayers....

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Thank you to all.  How hard it is to put into words how this hurts my heart and sites like here is about the only places I can find that I know others truly understand.  I've had so many animals over my lifetime since I was a child, some have died, some given away, one went to the other in a divorce, and I've been sad with them all.  But with Tarry, she was mine.  I had her through some really rough times, even now with my significant others, she was with me before him, so she has always remained my kitty.  Could be that is why.

My vet sent me a card yesterday and everyone there wrote something.  It was sweet and of course sad.  They called from there also and left me a message which simply said, "Tarry's ready to go home whenever you can come by".  Which means her ashes are ready to be picked up.  I am going this evening for them.  I hope it helps.

I know this was for the best and I knew it was going to be.  Doesn't make it easier, hopefully it will in time.

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Linda, I had to put my buddy Jake down on Feb 3, 2010.  He was 17..I had him for 15 yrs.  I have two poems others posted on this site that although emotional provided comfort too...
The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak,

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done,

For this, the last battle, can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,

But don't let grief then stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

You wouldn't want me to suffer so.

When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me till the end

And hold me firm and speak to me,

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree,

It is a kindness you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you,

Who has to decide this thing to do;

We've been so close,we two, these years,

Don't let your heart hold any tears.

Author Unknown 
I Haven’t Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh.
But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground.

At night while you are sleeping I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie.
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind.

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore.
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call;
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all
So, dear Master as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate.

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