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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #76 
Hi Catie,

What sweet memories you have of Marissa! Sometimes they do so many different little things that are cute, it’s hard to get them all on video...

Yes, I do feel discouraged. My girls have been my solace and one of the only things keeping me going in the last 10 years or so. Losing that has been very discouraging. And, I think it’s hard too, because disease is becoming more common place in pets, that it almost feels guaranteed if I get another one, I’ll be going through something else with that one at some point. So that makes me feel discouraged because I have to weigh the pros and cons of keeping furry friends in my life. My heart wasn’t made for tragedy, so all these things take a toll on me. But yet the idea of not having one is discouraging too. What a conundrum!

I wish I had that fortitude some people seem to have, where even when life gets them down, the negative things roll off their back, and they just keep on going enjoying all the positive things. Me? Negative things happens, and I’m on emotional crutches for what seems to be lengthy periods of time depending on how hard the blow was. I wish I knew how to excise some of this sensitivity...

Anyhow, I’m happy for your good news of surgery being averted for now, that’s great! Now, just gotta get that collarbone healed up. Even though you’re still missing Marissa very much and still sad, your tone seems a little better, yes? Hopefully so. I hope even though it’s still difficult, that things are a bit easier than they were. Much peace and hugs to you...

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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Mollysmomforever

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Reply with quote  #77 
Dear Catie,  Thanks for checking in with me.  Depending on the day you ask me, I am either doing pretty well (which I then feel a little guilty about), or not so well (especially on some of the rainy, gloomy days we've been having!)  So, it's still up and down, as I'm guessing is also true for you.  (I think we lost our beloved pets around the same time.  For me, it's been just under 3 weeks.  On most days the grief is still fresh and difficult).  I hope you are starting to feel physically better as your collar bone heals.  Please don't be discouraged.  It's normal to be sad, but, eventually, I believe thoughts of Marissa will bring warm memories and smiles rather than tears and more tears.  Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.  Thinking of you often and sending warm thoughts your way.
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #78 
Thanks very, very much to all of you! Latigresse, Melissa, Silvia, Val, and Jo, I sincerely appreciate everything you shared. It's so kind of you to come write me.

Val, in several ways it sounds like you and I are cut from similar cloth. I'm so sorry you become discouraged, as well. I very much hear you about the pros and cons and realizing what a toll the grieving takes. Yet so needing pets' companionship!

I'll be honest. I have had a real hard week thus far. I sometimes get emotional symptoms that are very hard to cope with from childhood trauma and both Monday and Tuesday night I unexpectedly had to weather severe emotional flashbacks. That was just exhausting.  I also haven't managed to keep up with grieving my loss of Marissa enough and yesterday was an onslaught with that. I did sit down last night and talk out loud, cry and cry, and try to heave some of rising pain overboard.  Today is the three-week mark of Marissa's passing and I'm not feeling snazzy. All this will definitely pass, but sheesh, when my emotions are so inflamed, it's no picnic for sure. I do feel very depressed today, for whatever reason.

For decades, I stuffed down feelings instead of facing and processing them. In case there's any question, that's a really bad idea, lol. I've learned I'm someone who has to actively go to the pain and work with it or it piles up and becomes overwhelming. When I can keep up with processing it better, I sometimes don't feel as depressed and discouraged. For me, keeping up with it means regularly approaching it, finding and feeling the feelings, expressing what they are about and weeping them out. 

Among other things, today I keep feeling sad about how the last few months of her life, Marissa for some reason decided not to use her foam pet steps anymore to get off the bed. And because she leaped off several times and outright rolled off once, I had to not allow her to sleep in my bed, which is very tall. I'd bring her into the bedroom every night and love her and settle her on a pad beside the bed. But it wasn't the same.  I think the crux of what hurts is how much she wanted to join me and my having to keep her safe from falling by not letting her up. She'd stand up on her back feet, put her front feet up on the side of the bed, look up at me with a light in her eyes and do a tail-floof wag, clearly asking me to put her on the bed with me. But I couldn't have lived with myself if she'd fallen off or jumped off and injured herself. And she didn't understand why she couldn't come up. It broke my heart because I so wanted her up there with me, too! She'd slept on my bed her whole life, and I dearly loved that!  Gosh, all the losses that string together into a big wad of sadness...


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latigresse

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Reply with quote  #79 
I am so so sorry, Catie. It's hard enough to grieve a pet, but when there are other emotions that come flooding back from either past experiences or some other trauma, it probably feels like being hit by a tsunami of sadness. Plus thinking about the heartbreak of not being able to sleep with and cuddle your baby the last few months must also be awful.

These grim reminders are always with us. Tomorrow will be the three-week mark for me. I still can't believe she's gone :(

BIG HUGS <3 

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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #80 
Oh Catie,

I am so very sorry to read about this new wave of sadness. Receive a big 3D-Hug. It is surely not easy to deal with childhood trauma - I hope you can find some way of healing this.

What you wrote about Marissa not being able to make it up to the bed anymore is so so sad and heartbreaking. I am very sure you did the right thing and she was with you at your side still. It does remind me of the time when Max could not manage upstairs to be with us anymore. We had safely helped him upstairs with a towel but one day in summer he just did not want to come up with us anymore and stayed downstairs where he had two beds. Anyways, it was a very sad moment for all of us. Later on in September Max became scared of being alone downstairs and I bought a bed and moved to be with him. But it was not the same as it used to be when he grabbed his teddy and went upstairs with us where we would cuddle and play for a while before we went to sleep.

Catie, I truly believe we did our utmost and even with the best intentions we had then and there - they still did not save us from this awful feeling of true helplessness watching our beloved one fading. It is so so sad.

My heart goes out to you.

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #81 
oh Catie - my heart goes out to you. Here's a big hug for you....hope you can feel it.

Headed out to get my taxes done (talk about needing my Scooter now for anxiety! lol), will try to write more tomorrow.

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #82 
Catie,

I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve been through. I hate the waves and flashbacks that take us back to the sad moments of our lives. I relate to the stuffing of feelings down, and how that is NOT a good thing. So I’m glad you’ve been able to express some things here and other places.

Man...that IS so difficult when you have to stop a mutually beloved custom. I couldn’t do it with Riley, I tried like a second, and we both agreed we weren’t happy with it. Her tumors had some discharge, and I purchased a doggy onesie to hold bandages, in part, so she could continue to be on my bed. Rosy though... that is a more concerning matter and is more similar to Marissa. It is very hard, especially because they don’t understand. Even so, it had to be done. I can tell that protecting Marissa was a big priority with you, so there wasn’t a lot else you could do. I know that must have been heartbreaking.

It’s understandable you’re not feeling well today with it being the anniversary. Hang in there as much as you can and give yourself some extra care today. Sending many hugs to you...


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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #83 
Hi Catie,

Sorry I haven't checked in all week but I've been so very busy.  I am so sorry to hear of the difficult time you are having.  I completely understand.  I have some issues with loss from my childhood and I do not do well with loss; this one in particular.  I tend to stuff things as well, and I find I have been keeping myself extra busy so that I don't dwell on Mitookie's decline and death and I know that is not really healthy.  Right now it is the only way I know how to cope on a day to day basis.  Reading what you wrote about not being able to let Marissa on the bed is heartbreaking.  I really wish our babies could understand when we are doing something to keep them safe.  I can't imagine what that must have been like for you to not allow Marissa up on the bed when you could see she wanted to be there.  And it makes complete sense that it would be turning over and over in your head.  We tend to ruminate on the sad and difficult things, rather than all of the loving things we were able to do for our pets.  Anniversaries are hard.  Tuesday was a month for me and it's all I could think about.  Try and be kind to yourself Catie, and remember all of the wonderful things you did for Marissa and how much she loved you.  I just know you were an awesome doggie Mom.  Let us know how it's going with the shoulder.  Emotional pain and physical pain are so exhausting and soul wrenching.  I pray you find some peace and healing.

Marina

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #84 
I really appreciate you all being here for me. Thank you soooo much, Latigresse, Silvia, Melissa, Val and Marina. You all are very dear and my heart goes out to each of you for the ways you relate and are suffering in your own hearts these days. And Val, I don't know how you manage to post to me and anyone else right now with all you've got going on; extra gratitude that you'd come find my thread.

I keep wanting and expecting myself to be further down the grief-healing continuum than I am. I'm wanting to come report that things have eased and are lots better and that I'm bouncing back. Kind of frustrated for that to not yet be true. It takes as long as it takes, I guess. 

Today, my soul keeps demanding that Marissa should be right here--at a certain spot. Then when I'm elsewhere in my apartment, she should be "right there." Over and over. In my second bathroom, it came so strongly, "She was only just here. Just a bit ago. She still should be here."  It's torturous, honestly, because these thoughts and feelings feel so insistent. I don't know whether a new phase of denial is cycling through, or what.

I think, too, that when I had to do an extraordinary amount of grieving in December after her cancer diagnosis, I had hoped that grief "counted" and would somehow reduce my sadness after she passed. Maybe it did; I can't be sure of the intensity 11 years ago when I last experienced pet loss. But I'm still feeling rock-bottom sadness and finding the level of emotional pain hard to cope with. My stomach doesn't allow me to take medication, even for sleep, and nights have been very rugged. I feel crushed, reduced, battered in heart and like a wonderful light has gone out in my life.

Marissa had a way of looking into my eyes that felt like she was smiling at me. I am missing that particular look so deeply today. 

I am so regretting not capturing her on video throughout her life. I was very late to get a smart phone (Sept 2016) and only just figured out how to make videos with it a few weeks ago. I never dreamed she would be leaving me this year, and I was dealing with a lot of major stuff for years. My ex-h made one very early video of her the first time she had a leash on. It was so comical, but he is not someone I can contact now. So I have to let that thought go.

Marina, thank you for asking: I don't think my collarbone is healing as it should. The ortho suggested I may need surgery because of the nature of the break--it's on the distal end. Monday he said to move it as little as possible. Unfortunately it wasn't known to be broken for three weeks; the crisis with Marissa intervened and she passed 10 days after I fell. It took time to get in with the ortho. It's like way after the fact, "Oh by the way, stop moving it." It was never in a sling because the GP thought it was sprained.







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Catie
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Kristy12

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Reply with quote  #85 
Quote:
Originally Posted by catiebee
I'm loaded with grief and tears after having to put down my beloved 11 year old dog Marissa yesterday. She had lymphoma, and she was being treated for it, but she didn't even make it two months from the time of diagnosis.

On Monday we thought she had somehow sprained her back or maybe damaged a disk. She was clearly in pain, but the vet said we should treat the pain and hoped she would improve. She didn't. We added another med, still not better. Then Thursday things took a turn and Marissa started falling, then careening, and fell and couldn't get up. I wonder now whether the cancer invaded her central nervous system. The emergency vet said she was disoriented and agreed that it was time to send her to heaven.

I have incurred a great many losses in my life. I know this is untrue, but it has felt like I've lost the only good thing I had left, with her passing. But the losses have piled on and there is such deep sadness and heartache. I feel lost without her.

She was an absolutely beautiful girl. So very very loving. And she had the softest fur I ever felt. I miss stroking her head and back and tummy. Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of her right now. It hurts so so much.

It was late afternoon when we were done at the emergency vet, so I brought her home. I have to make the hard journey today to give her to the folks who'll do the cremation. I remember how desperately difficult handing off and releasing the body was, the last time I had to do this with my previous treasured dog 11 years ago.

This baby girl has meant so much to me and been there through such painful times in my life--a horrible divorce, for one thing. I miss her desperately and want her back. But that can't happen.

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #86 
Oh Catie....I talked with my counselor today...who as I said before also lost a dog. She said, at 12 weeks, my grief is normal...so you at 3 weeks are also completely normal! Why oh why do we both seem to expect to want to be through grief more quickly? I guess because it is so so painful. I am so so sorry you are having a tough day, and also dealing with the collarbone.

Love and hugs - really!

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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #87 
Catie,
You wrote: "I feel crushed, reduced, battered in heart and like a wonderful light has gone out in my life."

I pray that you can emotionally alter this in such a way: "I feel blessed, enriched and grateful in heart that I was given the chance to live with such a wonderful light in my life."

I hug you

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Kristy12

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Reply with quote  #88 
You will see your pet again! They are around you.
I lost 3 dogs but sadly only one came in my dreams with my father.She was happy,healthy and playing with a white teddy bear with a purple bow around it's neck.I feel the purple bow is a spiritual symbol.
She was barking and when I called her,she ran to me and started licking my face.I felt her tongue and body was solid.It was a wonderful dream,then I woke up,crying because I did.They are around you and will come into your dreams when you least expext it! I was so sad,that my father wanted me to know that she was alright.She was with my father on the otherside.My father never met my daisy (dachshund) in this life.
Before she came into my dream,I heard her barking around the house.
Unfortunately,I have her baby with me who is 16 and has severe heart failure.My precious boy.He lost his sister to this disease.My daisy died pf cancer.She is whole again!You will see your fur baby again! They have souls! There are so many uplifting books out there.Like hello from heaven.
I wish thr best to anypne who is grieving.God bless!
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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #89 
Hi Catie,

I think we all try and rush the healing, because the hurting is so uncomfortable.  The pain of our loss impacts every aspect of our lives.  I believe in my heart that Marissa, though physically not in the room, is spiritually in the room with you.  I believe she knows you did the best you could for her and that you loved her so very much.  I think that although we move through phases of grief, those phases can overlap at times.  I don't feel anger anymore, but maybe that is because I'm so exhausted from feeling the loss and emptiness.  I have to say, that although nothing compares to the pain of the first week, I do feel a little better now.  I hope that your periods of peace and rest come closer and closer together, but we all know it just takes time.  There is a verse in a song from the 80's and it says that "Time, time will never be a friend of mine again.  It tries to make your memory fade, but I won't let it end."  Even though the song is about lost love, when I heard it, I thought about Mitookie and of course started crying.  The main verse says, 'I'll see you in my dreams, there we'll be safe tonight, from the lonely days of memory." 
I don't have many videos of Mitookie either, but the one I have on my current phone I watched over and over several times a day during the first few weeks.  I know how deeply you miss Marissa and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.  She is there smiling down on you and feeling healthy once again.  Try and have a good evening. 

Hugs,

Marina

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #90 
Catie,

I’ve noticed how so many come to this forum months after their pet passed at a place still very much like the initial stages of grief. Whereas other people, like you and me, came to this forum almost immediately. After a person has posted so much about the hurt, the missing, and other emotions, it starts to feel like we should be posting something else, like there should be a progress forward. But we have to remember it has not been very long, we’ve only just lost them recently. So while it may feel repetitive to talk about sad feelings, it is okay to do so. We can’t expect to be healed when it’s only been a couple of weeks.

I DO think, at least for myself, that coming to this forum sooner than later has helped me to not be at a worse place. It’s helped to grieve in a healthier way. Whereas if I didn’t have this place to talk, if I had waited months, I probably would be in a worse state of grieving. But grief is grief, it will hurt for a long time in its different ways and amounts. Don’t feel pressure to rush the process, it takes as long as it needs to take. I think the only caution is to make sure we’re not inadvertently keeping ourselves in a distressed and sad state in order to feel closer to our lost loved ones. But, I don’t see any indication of that in you. I think you’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been dealt in this moment.

I think the grieving we do when we get a diagnosis... well... I think it’s a different sort of grief. I’m trying to find the words to explain it, and they’re not coming right now. But, it’s just different. Like maybe, mourning their health? Mourning that they’re no longer healthy, that life has changed and knowing it will be a hard battle ahead. I don’t know, it feels more complicated than that. But I’m having a hard time expressing it.

You mentioned me posting with everything that’s been going on... It’s true, it is a hard time and sometimes I can’t post, either because of lack of time or sometimes even because mentally I’m in a bad place and I don’t want to spread that negativity. Multiple times I’ve typed up posts for someone and did not add it in the end because I felt it was too negative. It would absolutely do no good to that person. But, I keep on trying because, I want to help the people who are feeling like this, I don’t want anyone to feel alone. But also, because it helps me to not be so focused on myself, to not be so absorbed in only my own suffering. The things I post, well sometimes in a way it’s like talking to myself too. So it’s a mutual healing and support, a two way conversation, if you will, as opposed to a one way.

Keep on talking about Marissa, I love hearing about her. I’m sorry you don’t have videos that you would like to have. I’m in a similar boat, but for different reasons. I just have awful timing and am a terrible video taker. So, while it’s not quite the same, here’s to writing those memories down so we can keep them in any way possible.

I hope your shoulder comes along and heals soon. Keep on taking care of yourself and doing soothing things. Many hugs 🤗

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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