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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #61 
Catie,

Just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you on this two week anniversary. It is the pits, to say the least.

I’m am glad you were able to talk with your friend! It’s good to talk to people who can give us their understanding and even cry with us. I hope it has helped with the healing process.

Hugs and more hugs to you today!

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #62 
Catie... two weeks is so, so fresh with the grief...wow. And I am so so glad you called a friend and she was able to be there for you (even though out of state). I am very grateful you got that gift of a true friendship. 

Hugs,

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #63 
Thank you both so much, Val and Melissa. I appreciate you!

Yeah, two weeks is still early, still fresh.  But gratefully yesterday was a better day. Still some tears, but not the more constant pressure and sharp pain.

We've had a deluge of rain the past few days. This morning I keep thinking of the times, walking Marissa in the rain. Such a sweet girl. She never liked it, but knew we had to and would patiently trudge to a good spot and do her business. Didn't linger, of course. She never liked water, never cared to be toweled off. But she would endure a bit, then flee and roll. She'd rather do it herself, you know.

Bath time, oh my gosh. You'd have thought I was killing her. I wish I had video footage of the outlandish hollering. She was adorable wet. Darn it, no photos of that either, except one very early puppy pic. 

So. I want to mention this here. You guys know she was diagnosed with lymphoma the middle of December and we were treating it. Unsuccessfully, sadly.  On January 29, we were on a short potty walk and right in front of my apartment I tripped on a stepping stone and went down. I fell directly on my left shoulder. She stood right where she was and waited for me to climb to my feet. For close to two weeks, it was the worst pain I ever had. Saw my GP the day I fell and X-rays ruled out a break. Marissa had to be put down Feb. 8.  Saw a shoulder specialist Feb 19 as I continued to be in a lot of pain and to be very limited in what I could do with that arm. Still am. Another X-ray view showed I broke my collarbone on the shoulder end of it. And maybe I have a torn rotator cuff, so I had to get an MRI and am waiting on the return visit to the ortho doctor to find out. 

So, the physical impairment and pain has been in play.  And some complex feelings.

For the last few days Marissa was alive, I had to carry her down the apartment steps so we could have our walks. But it was very difficult to maneuver a 15 lb. dog in my condition. I also was compromised in not being able to get up and down from the floor to be with her on her level inside. So I didn't. That is sad.

If either my collarbone doesn't heal properly on its own, or if I have a rotator-cuff tear, I will have to have surgery. And no driving for awhile. No doing a lot of things.

I only just had heart surgery (aortic valve, aortic root, aortic aneurysm) in late 2016 out of state completely on my own. (Who does that? Emotionally, that still really hurts.) And the recovery was entirely on my own also. Just a tough phase of life. But Marissa was my princess, the precious companion and helped get me through that. It is very daunting to think I could be on a trajectory to another surgery and the undesirable confinement afterward. And without her. Gosh, I hope not. I'll know something in a few days but all of this has been affecting my life, hurting me physically and weighing on me emotionally. Plus, it really affected my last days with my beloved girl.







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Catie
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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #64 
Oh Catie, please receive my hugs. I am so sorry to read of all you had to go through. Life is just not fair.
You are such a brave person to just put all your love for Marissa over your own physical pain. Oh my, I know how much that broken collarbone must have hurt you (I had mine broken, too - could not move at all for weeks on end) adding up to the hurt of your soul. This is just awful.

Please, be good to yourself now, Catie. You do deserve so much all the good things this world has to offer. You are a strong person with a beautiful soul - I know bright sunshine is waiting for you in a future not far from now.

I am glad to read that you did have a better day and I loved the little story about Marissa and rain and water. I imagined her and had to smile. Max was just opposite: He adored nasty weather, cold and rain and he adored water.

Take good care, Catie - I hope you will post more nice memories about Marissa.

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #65 
Catie,

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through! You’ve been through the ringer and back through again multiple times it sounds like. I wish I could give you a big fat hug in real life, because it sure sounds like you could use a few to say the least! Minus hugging the broken collarbone area though. How awful! What a way to compound everything! I really hope it’s able to heal on its own and you can avoid surgery.

My brother had open heart surgery this last September to repair two valves. I know how hard that is to recover from! He couldn’t drive for a couple of months, has been unable to lift anything heavy. He hasn’t been able to fully recover to his old self since the surgery. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you to go through on your own. I don’t know how you did it. Truly, you must be a strong woman on the inside.

For what it’s worth, we’re here for you! I know it’s not the same as being physically present, but just the same...

It sounds like you and Marissa had adventurous times when water was involved! 😆 I actually relate, my boy dog Axl acts like water is pure acid most times. I wish you had pictures too! I bet she was adorable! But who ever thinks to bring a camera in with them during bath time?? I know Axl would think it the ultimate betrayal if I took a picture of him in that state, not to mention my hands would never be free anyway since he’s always trying to escape. But I can picture Marissa with her long fur all plastered down from the water looking miserably adorable.

Keep on hanging in there Catie! Keep on going! I know all this is hard and overwhelming, but you can do this! Like the Little Engine That Could, you have mightiness there inside of you. It may not feel like it... but, I think it MUST be there. For you to have been through all that you have and to come out the other side, it must be there. More muscles and strength to you Catie 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼 and lots and lots of hugs 🤗 🤗 🤗.

Some references from a well known source...

For why it’s hard now:
“If you become discouraged in the day of distress, Your strength will be meager.”
“A joyful heart is good medicine, But a crushed spirit saps one’s strength.”

What I hope for you:
“He gives power to the tired one And full might to those lacking strength...They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary; They will walk and not tire out.”

We are going through discouraging times, but I hope your heart is able to in some way find some joy. I hope you are able to soar on those wings like eagles through this. 🦅

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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Mollysmomforever

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Reply with quote  #66 
Dear Catie,  So very sorry to hear about your collar bone and rotator cuff injuries (on top of everything else!)  I'll keep you in my prayers for healing (without surgery)!  You are obviously such a strong person with a beautiful, kind soul.  Today is also my 2-week anniverary of losing Molly.  As you say, it's still fresh, but, at least the acute, sharp pain seems to be blunted.  You are most definitely not alone.  Thinking of you often and sending warm thoughts to you!
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #67 
Silvia, Val and Jo, thank you so much for all your kind words and support. It means a lot to me that you took the time to come to my thread and talk to me.  Hugs are most welcome and appreciated! And I'd be overjoyed to share 3D hugs, if that were possible! And Jo, thanks so much for your prayers.

Wow, Val, you outdid yourself with what you shared. Special thanks for alllll you wrote. Your brother had his surgery so recently--I know you understand ever-so-well, because of the surgery/recovery he has endured. I'm so sorry he had to go through that complex operation.  I hope he is able to regain all his strength and stamina in the coming months. 

Oh my--Axl is that water-phobic and such a major escape artist! Wowza--what a handful! Bath time must be a comical ordeal with him. And a photo in his wet condition would be ultimate betrayal. LOL

I am hanging in there for sure. I at least know from losing a dog previously, that the grief will get through the pipeline in time, if I do the work. The shoulder on whatever level it's injured, will heal, too. What's harder and deeper and unfortunately gets inflamed with current losses and hurts, is unhealed severe childhood and some adult trauma. I've been working on it for years. But I wish the frailty and dysfunction from that didn't affect so much of my life, especially when there is a new emotional upheaval or wound. On the other hand, I'm "used to" weathering a heap of emotional pain and anxiety on a near-daily basis, even in the best of times. Sometimes recently, the different sadnesses comingle and rise and it's just plain time to cry and express another batch of pain. I have to say over and over throughout the day how much I miss Marissa.

Something I'm very grateful for: Back in December when I learned of Marissa's diagnosis and way before I found this warm-hearted forum, it was devastating. For about two and a half weeks, the emotional pain was so extreme and horrible that I felt like I could not possibly survive it. It poured out like a flood and I thought I would never stop crying.  What I'm grateful for, is that these days are not like those. That unbelievable level of pain has not threatened to drown me like that again. Having survived that onslaught, I have every confidence I'll be more and more okay, in spite of the waves of grief and tears that still come. Gosh, I so wish I could hold her again. *sigh*









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Catie
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PeppermintPatty

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Reply with quote  #68 
Hi Catie,

I just wrote to you on my thread to see how you are doing. And then I saw this, so you don't have to reiterate over there.

I think we are all kindred spirits in how deep these losses hit. You articulate it perfectly. It is mind blowing when you actually get to the point where it seems unbearable and you think you can't go on. Somehow, we do. 

Hang in there!

Patty
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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #69 
Catie I just saw your posts about your fall and shoulder injury and past heart surgery. Wow you are amazing. Sorry for all you have been through. When I feel overwhelmed with my losses, my counselor reminds me "God doesn't waste any of your pain."  The pain still stinks though, that is for sure.

It has been raining where I live the past three days. Tired of it! We must live near each other, ha ha. I did manage to say "Well at least it is not snowing"

Sorry this post is short but I'm really tired tonight. I will try to write you some more encouraging things soon.

Hugs,



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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #70 
Hi Catie,

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days.  I'm so sorry you are struggling with physical ailments in this time of grieving for Marissa.  Physical pain and emotional pain cause a severe drain on you and I'm amazed at your strength.  I am in awe of your ability to comfort others when you yourself are hurting so badly.  Physical pain alone is so depressing and debilitating, so I can't imagine how hard this must be.  Let me also say that I'm a RN and I work for cardiothoracic surgeons and so I completely understand what you must have gone through trying to heal from your heart surgery.  I hope that your shoulder doesn't require another surgery that you will have to go through.  I think everyone must be experiencing this relentless rain because it's going on where I live as well.  Makes things more depressing.  Normally I love a good rain but this has just lingered and it's dark all the time and it isn't helping my mood at all.  It has almost been a month since I lost Mitookie, yet it still hurts so badly.  I'm full on depressed and that is one of the reasons I just haven't sat down to write.  You've been in thoughts and prayers and will continue to be.  Again, I'm so sorry for everything you are having to go through.  Like Melissa, I wish I had some more encouraging words, but I just feel so beat down myself.  Take care Catie.  Hugs to you!

Marina

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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #71 
Catie,

here it is: Receive my 3D hug.

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Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #72 
Patty, Melissa, Marina and Silvia, thank you so much for your kind words, warm thoughts and support. I greatly appreciate you!

I had a spot of good news Monday. The MRI showed my rotator cuff is not torn, so a surgery to fix it is not looming. The ortho surgeon wants me to return in three weeks for another X-ray of my collarbone. In some cases, that doesn't heal properly and that would require surgery. It might have helped, had I known for the first three weeks after the fall, that something broke, as I moved it too much and forced myself into normal-sized clothes. By now I've picked up some big shirts to ease getting dressed. He now said, move it as little as possible.

Marina, thanks for your real-world understanding about dealing with cardiac surgery alone. I am sooo grateful I had Marissa through that solitary, difficult time.

Like you all are with your furbabies, I'm still missing Marissa terribly. It takes soooo long to adjust to the lack of her presence. And when I think of her, which is often, there are still tears so near. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I just acknowledge that I feel them, trying to cluster into my eyes. It feels like I'll never get over this. I will, I realize. But it's just such an ache, such a disappointment. I feel like a chunk of her lifespan was cut off that I expected to have with her. Tomorrow is never promised, but my heart counted on her so much to be here, to be around, to still be my little princess.  And right now, she should be just behind me on the big blue cushion she loved. She should be chewing a chewbert (peanut butter rawhide). She should be stretching out into the impossible position she often assumed, with her head facing backward and all four feet facing forward.  She should be approaching me to get her head rubbed and her ears noodled. Gosh, I still miss touching her in the worst way.

I still start to look for her and can't find her, still find myself listening for her. And I long to take her our for sniffing and puddling. Still missing her pee dance where she'd pat the ground, alternating with both feet and circling. Sometimes she squatted, sometimes she lifted one back leg in a girlie way. I miss her leaping up the curb at the mailbox and even miss her charging her leash. She was broken of that bad habit as a young dog, but it came back in the last year or so. She always sniffed where boy dogs had hiked near the apt. mailboxes. If I asked her to, she would do a twirl before I set her dinner down. I just realized I never got a video of her twirl. There are so many things I wanted to record her doing. But she was expected to live months and I thought I had time. Ohhhh. It sure does hurt. 

And I miss her bark. I dearly, dearly miss her barking and the sweet little sounds she made.

You guys, does your loss make you feel discouraged? Just horribly, horribly discouraged? Ugh...







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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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latigresse

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Reply with quote  #73 
Hi Catiebee,

This is my first time on your thread. I am SO SO sorry to read of all your woes. On top of your beloved Marissa being sick and put down, you've had all these serious health challenges (heart/aneurysm surgery - OMG). That must have been really hard to go through on your own, though thankfully, you had Marissa. Now, hopefully the shoulder/collarbone injury won't require any surgery, maybe just time and physical therapy. You should find some mineral baths and go. Those can also be very therapeutic and help the healing process.

Please accept my biggest bear hugs to you (((((((((())))))))))

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Love is Forever
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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #74 
Hi Catie,

Yes, the loss definitely makes me feel discouraged. And as others have written, and maybe you too, I can't remember, sorry...that loss blends into other recent losses and it all seems to snowball into a huge mountain of loss.  What discourages me is my lack of focus. It is like my Mom and Dad died all over again. I got a text that I had not paid my cell phone bill - it was over 5 days late. I got sooo mad at myself. How could I forget this?!!!

One of the sounds I miss from my Scooter is his little awooooooo type of howl he did when he was super excited I was home. Or his contented little grunts he would make when snuggling with me.

I am so glad to hear you do not need rotator cuff surgery! I had two relatives that had that and it was NO picnic for sure.

Now, go have a bit of some fine chocolate 😉

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Missing and loving Scooter Forever
- Melissa
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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #75 
Catie,
Just saw your last post and all the really sweet things you told us about your Marissa. I saw her in front of me and just had to smile. What a joy you used to have with her around you.

You asked: "You guys, does your loss make you feel discouraged? Just horribly, horribly discouraged? Ugh..."

Well, no! I am still sad but I do not feel discouraged. Even tho the loss of my Max hurts terribly it is also very true that he had filled my life with all the joy and laughter any human can possibly wish for. I look at this as a blessing that I was able to have for a long period of time. And it is true to say that I had also filled Max' life with joy because of my way of being. Even tho I am an old lady, I still love to play and do crazy things. I mean to say that the joy for life is in me.

Dont get me wrong, I am definitely grieving Max in a way I've never felt before. But with all the really terrible heartships I did have to face in my long lifetime, I guess I've learnt how precious joy is. Nothing big, but little things like the birds coming to my feeder every morning, that it is a sunny day today. And that if I keep my eyes open, there is always something joyful out there for me.

I send you hugs

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Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

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