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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #46 
Thank you all sooooo much, Dana, Jo, Val.

I am among the living. Still on the path. Still hanging in.

I had a first session with a new counselor today. I thought it was only going to be intake questions, "getting to know you and your issues" stuff.  I know him a little from a group. So after the first five minutes, he goes, "Tell me about Marissa." Brings tears to my eyes right now. Well, I must have been fairly ok with him because I went ahead and shared, esp. about her last day on earth. And cried a river.

So, that is one more batch of tears that I will never have to cry again. One more piece of healing. I wish healing didn't need to hurt. I wish I could sing her one of my "Marissa songs" and that something that simple would heal my heart.

Isn't that a dream? Wistful, magical thinking. You guys, I miss singing to her! I miss using all of the nicknames I gave her. Loving, adoring pet names. She deserved and resembled them all, to me. She is heart of my heart, apple of my eye. And I miss her more than I can say! 

Argh! *Sighs upon sighs* My heart hurts with wanting to see and touch her again.

I know. Can't! Can't do it, no matter how much I want to.

We all press on. Knowing more tears will rise, more sadness will need to find its way out of our hearts. 

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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #47 
Quote:
Originally Posted by catiebee
Isn't that a dream? Wistful, magical thinking. You guys, I miss singing to her! I miss using all of the nicknames I gave her. Loving, adoring pet names. She deserved and resembled them all, to me. She is heart of my heart, apple of my eye. And I miss her more than I can say!


I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes, I’ll say them quietly just to feel the words in my mouth again. It always brings some tears though.

I’m glad you found a new counselor, I hope it goes really well! I’m happy things seem to be heading in a healing direction. Keep on going Catie!

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #48 
Hey Catie,

Hang in there, I know how tough it is.  Good for you that you have a counselor and you are working so hard to get through this.  I spent all last evening watching Mitookie videos and crying.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I don't want to let go.  I used to sing to Mitookie also.  I'm seeing a counselor as well.  I was already seeing him and this just compounded old feelings of loss.  I have real issues with loss.  Keep working at it.  Marissa is very proud of you for carrying on without her by your side.  I know she is smiling down on you and if she could she would dry up every tear that falls.  Sending many hugs to you!

Marina

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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #49 
Thanks so much, Val and Marina. Such kind words, and deeply appreciated. 

There are several things I've been wanting to share here, but I haven't found the strength to yet. It's ok. All in good time.

The shock hasn't worn off yet. Takes a long while.

Marina, I'm glad you have support from your counselor. I soooo hear you about losses. Like you, I have sustained many, many. And trauma--which brings grief of its own. In my life, the word "goodbye" is so full of pain that it isn't funny. Might be the worst word in the dictionary.

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Catie
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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #50 
Catiebee,

I wanted to visit you on your site and just cried after a few minutes whilst reading. I am so very sorry to read what you have been going thru altogether. Please, receive my sincere virtual hug. As I read some of your posts I am also reminded so much on what I lived with my beloved Max. "Maxland" is some squaremiles, even out of the house. And I had many many "Max-songs" of which he had his favored. And he had so many names - Purzel was one of them. I am still singing for him and hope you are still singing for your beloved Marissa. I am quite sure they can hear us - and singing out loud relieves of pain.

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Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #51 
Hi Catie,

The shock does take time to wear off. Share when you’re ready, there’s no rush. Everything in due time, right?

Hoping you have many more “hellos”, and far less “goodbyes” in your life from here on out.

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #52 
Catie...oh my gosh, I used to sing to my dog as well! And oh how I miss it. One of the songs, and it is a silly one, they decided to sing at church about 3 weeks ago. I completely lost it and wanted to run run run.  I even made up songs for him. Like a "Good Morning" song I would sing to him....We must be kindred spirits.
I am glad your new counselor seems to be a good one. When I told my counselor about my dog, she cried almost the entire session with me (she had to have her dog euthanized about 6 months prior).
Love and hugs to you....

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #53 
Catie and Melissa,

I am literally laughing out loud as I read Melissa’s post, and another recent post by someone else on another thread. I thought I was the only one who made up songs and sang to my dogs. I guess not! That’s hilarious that so many of us here have done that. I thought I was such a weirdo, or at least my friends certainly did whenever a song snuck out in hearing distance of them. Each of my dogs have their own song, and Axl will “sing” along with me. Not adding this to diminish anything from anyone... Just that, I think it’s great! And, I wonder how many dog owners actually do that!

There must be other Anne of Green Gables fans too, with kindred spirits and all. 😊

😄💃🎶🎵🎶🎵 🐶🙉

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #54 
I used to sing silly songs to Mitookie as well.  How funny! 

Marina

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #55 
Thanks sooooo much, everyone. 

Silvia, I'm so sorry for your tears and for how hard life is right now without Max.

Oh Melissa, I'm sorry that song triggered so much fresh grief. That's amazing about your counselor crying all through that session with you. Lovely that she is such a pet lover!

Val and Marina, isn't it something that we all found our ways to sing to our beloved furgirls and furboys?!

The very hardest thing of all -- or at least right up there near the top of the list -- was giving Marissa to the lady from the pet cemetery for cremation. I was coming apart at the seams. When I finally took her out of the car, I had to sing over her before I could give her over. Yes, even in death. It was one of the last things I did. I'm halfway dying of the pain to even type these words. Gosh. :(  I loved to sing to her because it felt like I was expressing great delight in who she was when I would sing one of her little made up nickname songs.

I sure am sad. I am getting through it, yes. But the sadness still is kicking my rump. I miss her just terribly, tears are streaming this morning. She was my friend. My very closest friend in this life. Every time I touched her, it comforted me and I knew I wasn't physically alone. I'm still just aching for her companionship. She would look right into my eyes and often seemed to understand just what I was saying. She was a very engaging creature.  

I feel awful that she was in some pain during her last few days. I wouldn't have wanted that for all the world. The vet thought she hurt her back somehow. A sprain. The pain medicine was supposed to keep her out of pain. We didn't know till she lost her life that the cancer must have invaded her spine--or neck or something. And eventually there was a clot.  I hardly touched her those few days because I felt that if she was sleeping she wouldn't be hurting and would stay more still, letting her back heal. She slept nearly all the time those last few days with meds making her sleepy. Shoot. I just feel wrecked.

I wish so badly that she was still with me, laying a few feet away. Or wanting a walk. What I wouldn't give to be outside walking her. Or having her bark at my cell phone. Or snarfing her food.  She ate like a puppy would, as if competing with siblings all her life, till nearly the end. Even though she was my only pet.

My heart feels so torn apart this morning. I want her in my lap, in my arms again. 


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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #56 
Catie,

I’m sorry for the pain you’re feeling this morning. Tibetan Spaniels are beautiful and from what I hear, are known for their intelligence. I can imagine what a lovely relationship the two of you had and how you were able to engage together. To see that bright intelligence in her eyes, that seeming knowingness of your true you reflected there like a mirror for you to see and gaze upon. Those must have been sweet, soothing moments, when you’d cuddle together and stroke her fur. I understand why you miss it and your heart longs for it very much.

It is so hard when we think of them suffering in any way, especially in their last moments. Those are very difficult memories to have and deal with. I am grateful that dogs don’t blame though, they don’t resent us for any difficulty they go through. That innocence is something that is both heartwarming and heartbreaking in one.

The sleepiness from the medication is both a blessing and a sadness. On the one hand you’re grateful they’re not in pain, but on the other hand, it just seems to signify so much and limits even more our last moments with them. Truly sad times.

We already know this is a difficult time, so I’m not so sure that bears repeating. But it sure is hard when your heart longs for something that just cannot be anymore.

I don’t mean to diminish anything with Marissa, or to take you to an area you’re not ready to be in. But, I believe firmly in my heart you will not always be alone like this, that you will have a best friend again. You are just too kind hearted of a person to not have that again in your life. Not that saying that really helps in this moment. We long for the friend we already had. How lovely it would be if we could keep them with us forever.

Definitely with you in spirit today Catie... Sending peaceful thoughts your way
🌬✨✨✨

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #57 
Oh Catie, I’m am truly sorry for your pain. I know this is excruciatingly miserable. I pray your tomorrow is better. We know exactly what you are going through. I’ve said before that I feel Mitookie was my soulmate and it sounds like that is what Marissa was for you. I don’t doubt that when she looked into your eyes, she touched your soul. What a beautiful gift.

Sending hugs to you!

Marina

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Mollysmomforever

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Reply with quote  #58 
Just checking in with you Catie.  You are so kind to touch base with me (and many others on this forum) on a regular basis.  How are you doing with your own grieving?  Some days are easier than others, but, our loved ones are never far from our thoughts.  I think of you and Marissa often and send up a little prayer for your comfort and healing every night.  
Thinking of you this morning  and sending warm thoughts.

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Jo

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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #59 
Catie,
I hope you are doing better by now.
Knowing exactly how all this feels... my heart goes out to you once again, Catie.

Very often in quiet moments, when my mind is still and without any distraction ... those final days keep invading me. Did I read all the signs right? Was he in more pain then I tought he was? Did I do enough to make him comfortable?

Then and there I felt truly helpless many times as I knew he was not ok. He was simply fading away and I could not do any miracle, I could not do anything else than just to be there by his side, trying to hide my fears. I do believe that those final days have been traumatizing for me.

I kissed his face when he lay there dead. He looked just as he was sleeping - so peacefully. I thought then and there, that this had just been a nightmare and he would just jump up and wag his tail.

Sending hugs

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Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #60 
You all are just lovely. You each have been truly lovely to me here and I appreciate so much both your words and your presence to come alongside me.  Jo, thank you for your prayers, that's such a valuable gift. Val, thank you for all the time and "heart" that it took for you to write your last post to me.

I am okay. I'm still rather a teary mess, seems like morning, noon and night, sometimes more, but I have to acknowledge that that doesn't mean I'm not okay.  Crying a lot and deep sadness is normal, considering. Somehow when I return to my thread, I seem to crank up again. All of your compassion touches my heart and that's a healing thing.

It's been two weeks today since I lost her. Today I've kept thinking I heard her toes click behind me on my floor mat while I sit at my desktop PC. She would always want something--a pet, a treat, to go out, a chewbert (rawhide), something-- when she came up right behind me like that. I kept wanting it to be true.

I called an out of state, older friend last night, who I knew could handle my tears. She let me tell her the story of Marissas's and my last week together and she sat with my sobbing. That was a treasure she handed me, her listening heart and understanding. Years ago, I knew her family's utterly adored cat. She well understands how great my loss is.



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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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