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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #31 
Catie,

I hope today was a better day.  I know it can be a roller coaster ride of emotions...and for who knows how long?  I wish I had the answers.  I myself feel very exhausted.  I haven't been sleeping well at all.  I have so much work to do and can't get motivated.  Good days and bad days are ahead.  Just remember you have people who truly care about you during this difficult time.  Take care and I hope you have a fantastic tomorrow!

Marina

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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #32 
I deeply appreciate your kind words to me, Avabear's Mummy, RileysMom, MissingScooty and Marina. Thanks so much for your warmth and support. It really means a lot.

I know I will get stronger as time goes on and that it will get better. The sharp edges of the grief haven't softened yet. Still so stark. I wonder how long it takes to finally absorb that it happened and to not feel overwhelmed by it. It's still such a slap in the face, such a kick to the gut. And there's still that pressure in my head near my eyes, the being close to tears, the heaviness of the sadness is still so pronounced. I remember that this eases up eventually. It just hasn't yet.

I wish someone in my life really knew Marissa. I've even been tempted to contact the one person in my past who did, but that wouldn't be good. No. 

I can't believe I won't have the delight of her presence anymore. That I won't see the spunky look in her eyes again. I know I keep coming back to this, but I'm devastated to not be able to touch her again.  That's one of the things I grieve most. I miss the affection I could share with my dog, both the giving and the receiving.  Tears are pouring as I write this. I so badly, badly miss engaging with her. The cuddly times, the belly rubs. Any time I wanted, I could reach down and stroke her head and her back.

I have felt terribly guilty that in some respects I took her for granted. I feel like I didn't spend nearly enough time with her. Doing with her. Walking with her. Sitting with her next to me. Brushing her. Playing with her. Anything. I feel like I lost out. I blinked and she was gone. I wanted to get a portrait with her. I thought I would have time. But cancer took her fast.

I want to hug her and I want her to know I love her so. I miss her so so much. And I'm lonely for her. 

(I tried to attach a photo, but all mine are too large. I need to resize one and I'm played out for tonight.)







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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #33 
I understand very much how you feel Catie. I have had similar thoughts about my little one too. I’m so sorry you can’t get the relief that is so very much needed right now. Having that physical touch and cuddly time is so much of a comfort. I hate how both our girls went so quickly from that awful disease.

I wish there was something I could give to you to make this somehow easier and more bearable. Sending virtual hugs your way!

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #34 
Oh Catie, so so hard...those sharp edges of grief. I remember and still sometimes experience them. I still can't even glimpse dog toy aisle or dog food aisles in stores without tearing up and wanting to run and hide. And I so understand the longing to touch your dog again and not believing you can't do that.
Today I am going to a friend's house who has a dog that I will take care of for her in April. I am hoping this will help, although of course this dog is not Scooter. But I do find it helps me a tiny bit to be around other good dogs.
I hope you can find something to soothe your soul today. Oh and I have to cry too when the emotions hit...it's the only way I get back to feeling sane again too!

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- Melissa
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #35 
Thank you so much, RileysMom and Melissa. I'm so sorry you both understand so personally and currently.  Melissa, I hope it will help to be around your friend's critter today. So sorry you are the same about the tears.

Today is super rough. I'm a teary wreck and feeling devastated all over again.  I'm in no condition to post to anyone else at the moment, but I will return to do so when I can.

A couple things. I needed to go through a big box of receipts and discard unneeded ones. Several were from pet stores. I had to buy all these things to try to mitigate problems from what I'm about to share. Cones, dog shirts, etc. 
[Sad_anim]

Huge waves of grief keep hitting me about this: In late Aug I'd found a small growth on Marissa's "elbow." This was a cancer scare. Marissa had a surgery in early Sept, including removing the possible malignant lesion and a benign fatty tumor on her side. I nearly lost my mind with worry over that, then she had complications and also blew her stitches out. I'd had to run her back to the vet again and again. It took a long time to get the pathology back and when it finally arrived, all was well. I remember walking her in the next week or two, just full of joy, absolutely jubilant, ecstatic really, and so, so thankful that she was okay. The cancer scare that turned out to be nothing was Aug/September. Then in December I found that hugely swollen lymph gland and to my horror that was lymphoma cancer. Somehow missing a bullet so recently then getting the terminal diagnosis on the heels of it, just three months later.... I don't know. It's deeply vexing and very painful. I feel broken today. And awfully teary.

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Catie
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mattiemae

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Reply with quote  #36 
Quote:
Originally Posted by catiebee
I deeply appreciate your kind words to me, Avabear's Mummy, RileysMom, MissingScooty and Marina. Thanks so much for your warmth and support. It really means a lot.

I know I will get stronger as time goes on and that it will get better. The sharp edges of the grief haven't softened yet. Still so stark. I wonder how long it takes to finally absorb that it happened and to not feel overwhelmed by it. It's still such a slap in the face, such a kick to the gut. And there's still that pressure in my head near my eyes, the being close to tears, the heaviness of the sadness is still so pronounced. I remember that this eases up eventually. It just hasn't yet.

I wish someone in my life really knew Marissa. I've even been tempted to contact the one person in my past who did, but that wouldn't be good. No. 

I can't believe I won't have the delight of her presence anymore. That I won't see the spunky look in her eyes again. I know I keep coming back to this, but I'm devastated to not be able to touch her again.  That's one of the things I grieve most. I miss the affection I could share with my dog, both the giving and the receiving.  Tears are pouring as I write this. I so badly, badly miss engaging with her. The cuddly times, the belly rubs. Any time I wanted, I could reach down and stroke her head and her back.

I have felt terribly guilty that in some respects I took her for granted. I feel like I didn't spend nearly enough time with her. Doing with her. Walking with her. Sitting with her next to me. Brushing her. Playing with her. Anything. I feel like I lost out. I blinked and she was gone. I wanted to get a portrait with her. I thought I would have time. But cancer took her fast.

I want to hug her and I want her to know I love her so. I miss her so so much. And I'm lonely for her. 

(I tried to attach a photo, but all mine are too large. I need to resize one and I'm played out for tonight.)







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mattiemae

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Reply with quote  #37 
I am so right there with you, dear.  I feel all those things...missing her holding her and talking to her,,,so much it truly hurts.  I am still crying for her at the drop of a hat.  A family member's dog had puppies this morning and they want me to take one.  I will not. I cannot imagine having a new puppy now.  It would be so unfair to the dog. Maybe,,,,,one day,,,,or not... 

I pray your peace...Keep posting so I will know how you are.

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #38 
Ah Catie, I’m so sorry! I can imagine how awful that was. One moment flying high as a kite for the good news, then next, crashing down to earth because of awful news. It must have been very devastating.

I know what you mean about going through receipts and stuff about all this. I needed to look up an order on Amazon the other day, and had to scroll past all the orders I had placed for Riley of different things to help her. It was really hard! For some reason, looking at the dates of the orders bothered me too. For each order I passed, my mind was going, my dog was alive then, my dog was alive then, my dog was alive then. It was kind of like little cruel reminders of the illness that took her down. It felt odd to see how recent these orders were and yet it feels like it’s been FOREVER since I last saw and hugged my girl... I suppose even these things can be very difficult.

Cry all the tears you need to, take all the time you need. We’re here for you when you’re feeling more able and ready to talk more.

Hoping you’re able to find some peace and comfort.

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #39 
Hi Catie,  I wanted to say I'm thinking of you today and hoping you are having a decent day.  I know this battle is so hard.  Today has been very hard for me.  Three weeks today I lost my beautiful Mitookie.  I'm frustrated with who I have become; one grieving, crying individual struggling to live the life I used to have.  I miss Mitookie so much.  I am so empty without him.  It is still so hard.  I pray you are having a better day than me.  I wonder why we go over and over in our head the last few weeks of their lives with us?  I wish I could just think of all the happy times instead of all the ways I wish I could have saved my baby and made him better.  Hugs to you!

Marina

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #40 
Quote:
Originally Posted by catiebee
Thank you so much, RileysMom and Melissa. I'm so sorry you both understand so personally and currently.  Melissa, I hope it will help to be around your friend's critter today. So sorry you are the same about the tears.

Today is super rough. I'm a teary wreck and feeling devastated all over again.  I'm in no condition to post to anyone else at the moment, but I will return to do so when I can.

A couple things. I needed to go through a big box of receipts and discard unneeded ones. Several were from pet stores. I had to buy all these things to try to mitigate problems from what I'm about to share. Cones, dog shirts, etc. 
[Sad_anim]

Huge waves of grief keep hitting me about this: In late Aug I'd found a small growth on Marissa's "elbow." This was a cancer scare. Marissa had a surgery in early Sept, including removing the possible malignant lesion and a benign fatty tumor on her side. I nearly lost my mind with worry over that, then she had complications and also blew her stitches out. I'd had to run her back to the vet again and again. It took a long time to get the pathology back and when it finally arrived, all was well. I remember walking her in the next week or two, just full of joy, absolutely jubilant, ecstatic really, and so, so thankful that she was okay. The cancer scare that turned out to be nothing was Aug/September. Then in December I found that hugely swollen lymph gland and to my horror that was lymphoma cancer. Somehow missing a bullet so recently then getting the terminal diagnosis on the heels of it, just three months later.... I don't know. It's deeply vexing and very painful. I feel broken today. And awfully teary.



Oh Catie - something similar happened to me when I came across old vet bills. My boy had come through a scary (but non-life threatening) case of vestibular disease. Just 5 months before he passed, then again he came down with another case of it about 6 weeks before he passed.  I remember being so relieved he was back to his old playful self  - constantly fetching, etc.

Hanging out with my friend's dog was both fun and painful at the same time. Nice to walk a dog again, but made me miss my own dog all over again.

Anyway enough about me..I do hope you are feeling better by the time you read this. Hugs.

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Missing and loving Scooter Forever
- Melissa
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #41 
Big heartfelt thanks to each of you for your posts and for your kind words of support .I so appreciate you guys.

I especially appreciate you taking the time considering you guys are limping along in a similar way. Suffering as you go yet trying to get your feet back under you and regain your strength. Marina I hear you about how life changing it is. Riley'smom I know you've been contending with an ocean of emotion too.

Today was the worst day I've had since those first three days right after she passed. I'm wiped out from all the tears. I'm not sure why I got slammed so hard by grief and tears -- they just kept coming and coming and pouring and pouring and I kept feeling wretched. Just anguished. it was a crushingly hard day. One can hope.... Hope hope hope that tomorrow will be better. So thank you so much, so very much for caring and for coming alongside. it means a lot to me.

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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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mattiemae

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Reply with quote  #42 
My hope for you today...  I hope something or someone makes you smile today...I am thinking of you.
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Mollysmomforever

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Reply with quote  #43 
Dear Catie,  So sorry that yesterday was so emotional and difficult. A friend sent me a quote that said "A pet gives us the happiest days of our lives and also the saddest".  I think that is so true.  It's like the grief we feel is in proportion to the love and happiness we felt when they were with us.  If I could go back 9 years in time and decide not to adopt Molly (and therefore to avoid all this sadness 9 years later), I 'd still do it. I wouldn't give up those 9 years for anything (and I bet you wouldn't either).  For some reason, that thought helps me.
Hope today is a better day.

Molly's mom

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #44 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mollysmomforever
Dear Catie,  So sorry that yesterday was so emotional and difficult. A friend sent me a quote that said "A pet gives us the happiest days of our lives and also the saddest".  I think that is so true.  It's like the grief we feel is in proportion to the love and happiness we felt when they were with us.  If I could go back 9 years in time and decide not to adopt Molly (and therefore to avoid all this sadness 9 years later), I 'd still do it. I wouldn't give up those 9 years for anything (and I bet you wouldn't either).  For some reason, that thought helps me.
Hope today is a better day.

Molly's mom


Agree 100%

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #45 
Hi Catie,

Just wanted to check in and make sure you’re okay. I’m sorry for all the rough days. Hope you’re hanging in there and for something to brighten your day.

Take care! Virtual tea and cookies to help soothe away some of the sorrow. 🍪🍵

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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