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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #391 
Sweet Catie,

Thinking of you in those difficult days hoping that everything will turn out well.

My good thoughts and wishes are with you, dear friend

Many hugs

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #392 
🐾😚
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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #393 
Oh Catie I am just now seeing this about your Dad. I will say prayers tonight for you and him. Please please update when you can. I know you are probably missing your sweet Marissa even more right now. She was such a great comfort and joy to you, I know.

Warm hugs, tissues and comfort food and tea.

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LynnCDM

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Reply with quote  #394 
Thinking of you Catie. I hope things are ok with your dad.

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Lrogers424

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Reply with quote  #395 
Hi Catie, Sending you good wishes. Hope you are taking care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #396 
Thinking of and praying for you and your dad, Catie. 
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #397 
Thank you all so very much for all of your posts and kind thoughts, your prayers and your hugs. You all are truly wonderful and I greatly appreciate each of you and your support. 

My 87 y.o. dad was safely admitted to a rehab a little over a week ago to rebuild his strength. Just before that he had two ER visits, each followed by short stays at the hospital. They've done nearly every test known to man and could find nothing wrong. But over time he's allowed himself to become very frail and we also need to see whether we can improve the sight in his one remaining eye. It's been a stressful time, he's not the easiest patient, and there have been many medical appointments. The PT folks are helping him work out most days. I'm not sure how long he'll need to be there.   

Again, many heartfelt thanks to you all. You're the best!




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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #398 
I need to try to process some grief. Today is the 10-month anniversary of losing Marissa. 

Also 12-10-17... that morning I found the lumps under her chin while giving her a wake-up love.  It was the weekend, so I got her to her vet first thing 12-11. The vet told me she thought it was lymphoma. That was confirmed a couple days later. And at that point of diagnosis began a three-week flood of pain that I have inadequate language to describe. It was of course tears upon tears about the prospect of losing Marissa. But in tandem with that, grief from loss after loss in my life poured and poured for three solid weeks. I thought I was going to lose my mind with that level of emotional pain and I would not wish that on my worst enemy.  It let up some for 3-4 days, then it started up again. I felt like the pain would take me out. 

Historically Christmas is hard. 12/25 is the day a few years ago that my then-husband announced his intent to divorce me. Quite a few bad things have happened in the month of December, but the news about Marissa went off like a bomb inside me.


Dearest baby Marissa, 

Your mom feels weak today and forlorn. You have been gone quite a long time by now, but it still seems impossible, just impossible, that you have passed away. You were so beautiful, just a beautiful, lovely and loving creature. So full of life, with smiling, expressive eyes. I miss you with my heart and soul. Down to the tips of my toes, my whole being misses you, Bearish. Life has felt so unkind this year, so stark, so harsh. I've said this before, but your presence softened life for me so very much. You gentled my existence on this planet, made things more bearable somehow. I miss your softness immensely. I so do.

I want to tell you this, sweetheart: You were such a good girl. You had a real mind of your own, but you wanted to please. You scared me a few times, eating things you shouldn't. You were a quick, little rascal. I'm so thankful I could get you, could have you and enjoy you. It seems like such a short time, far too short. My soul craves your companionship and nothing is the same anymore. 

When I learned that you were sick, my heart fell to the ground and shattered. I held tightly onto hope because we were treating you and the specialty vet expected you to live much longer. But it was not to be. It was a cruel enemy that took you. Even the possibility of losing you made me completely undone. And when it came into reality, I felt lost. I still do, because it feels like it shouldn't have happened. You were not old, you were vibrant, you were leaping curbs, you were bounding up our steps. 

Every time I need to go outdoors in the dark, cooler weather, those days return to me. You had been diagnosed and we were fighting it. I would take you out to puddle and potty and.... I'm sorry, Marissa, but it felt like doom. It felt like we were in doom and destruction. And when I go out in the dark in the cool air, I feel it again, the way my heart was fighting to hold onto you, to make you not die, to keep you here with me forever.  My little girl, you will never know how badly I wanted to save you. You were supposed to be one of those testimonies in the Facebook group, of dogs that survived for years!  But you weren't and it happened so fast and near the end I didn't know you were dying. The vet didn't know it, either. But you were fading and it hurts so, so much still that we couldn't save you. I'm so sad that we couldn't.

You were the very most precious thing, Marissa. You were my treasure and I feel so bereft, my arms feel so empty and my heart feels hollowed out and pained.  I'm not sure why we get to have such strong, enduring bonds with our beloved furkids, but then have to endure having our hearts torn apart. I wish I could put you on my lap and hug you and stroke you and tell you in person, "I love you, Widgety." My little Hooligan. My Persnookamous. I miss your personality. I miss your footsteps on the floor. I miss your digging in your bed. I miss your twirling at mealtime. But your companionship and comfort were priceless. The connection, the relationship. My heart is aching much and I dearly dearly wish I could hold you today.

Heaven feels a long way off. But a reunion would be bliss. Utter bliss.  I miss you, miss you, miss you, little Pookin Bird. I hope you have a hundred little neighing stuffed horsed to chase in heaven. I want you back. But I have to wait.  Sending you a gazillion ear rubs and pets, my little love.

Catie/Mom





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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #399 
Sweet Catie,

Thank you for your visit on my thread and leaving such a lovely message for me. You wrote somewhere else that Marissa would bark in her sleep with her mouth closed and I try to imagine how sweet this must have been. It made me smile and I am sure you giggled inside about this every time you witnessed. I hope your days are going well as you are in my thoughts ever so often.

Many hugs

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Lrogers424

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Reply with quote  #400 
Oh Catie,  What a beautiful note to Marissa.  I am so sorry that December carries so much heartache for you.  It is so difficult when traumatic memories all coalesce during one time of the year.  I am glad to hear your Dad is on the mend.  I wish him a steady recovery.

Your memory of Marissa's footsteps on the floor and her twirling around at meal time brought tears to my eyes.  In the months after Daisy's death, I could swear I could still hear her little feet prancing across the floor.  The other day, my husband got up with Luna in the morning and from upstairs, I could hear her bounding across the floor with her puppy exuberance and it made my so happy to hear that sound again.  She also dances at mealtime, just like Daisy and just like Marissa.  I always told Daisy that I wished I could be that excited about mealtime!  I guess we all wish we could capture an ounce of their joy and devotion. To love without bounds just like they did

It hurts so much that we cannot save those little lives that we love so much and that they are with us for such a short time.  It still feels unreal and unnatural and I completely understand your feeling of a stark and harsh reality without your sweet Marissa.

I hope you can find some happiness in having your Dad recovering and I wish you a quiet, safe and peaceful holiday.

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #401 
Catie
I send many hugs and prayers, for your Dad.
Thanks for your kind words, as it's helped me to heal through my worst days. All of you here are a GODSEND.
Now, it's time to push through the Holidays! I know Marissa is smiling down on you!
Merry Xmas,Jess

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Jinxieboy72

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Reply with quote  #402 
Catie, such a heartfelt and beautiful letter to your darling Marissa. The pain is so real and the memories never fade. We share all of it with you. They get into your heart, they become every fibre of your being and we remember them. We are grateful for their loyal friendship. God loans them to us for just a set amount of time, but so much love is given in that time. From them and from us. We are blessed for every moment they are with us. But we also mourn when the loan comes to an end. And the ache never really goes away. But we gave them a truly wonderful life and vice versa. We cherish them always.
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #403 
Catie, what a beautiful letter to Marissa. Your feelings are so raw and honest and you choose the words and sentiments that reach us all and we feel your grief as if it were are own. And it is. I wish for you soft memories of comfort.
This grief has been called a *journey* a *jagged road* some see a glimmer of light ahead. That dimmest of light eludes me still but the darkness isn’t as black with friends like you to walk it with. I am grateful to not be as alone, to have your words and thoughts with me. Soo many warm hugs to you my friend,,,,,

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #404 
Oh Catie, such beautiful, heartfelt words to Marissa! Yes I see my own feelings in them that you seem to express so well. Thank you. I am sorry about the extra stress with your Dad, and that December holds rotten memories (we share similar bad Decembers with former husbands). I will try and PM you soon but please know I really have been praying for you...glad to know your Dad is alive. Was so worried that you had not posted and had imagined the worst.
Wow..by the way, Scooter used to bark with his mouth closed in his sleep too...I had forgotten all about that. It is a cute memory. Many times he would wake me up, and I would have to say loudly "Scooter, it's okay!" or just "Scooter!" to wake him from his dream, lol

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Chinadoll

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Reply with quote  #405 
Dear Catie, your tribute post to Marissa is so moving, it really has me lost for words (that's not normal for me). I feel the heartache, the longing, the pain and the deep deep LOVE you have for her. It comes through in every word you write. I did not know how difficult this month is for you and it breaks my heart that so many troubling events have happened during this time of the year. You are such a kind and loving person, you reach out constantly to others, and you do so during such an emotional time for yourself. I think that the love you have for Marissa, the appreciation you feel every day for her love, drives you to do more than you probably normally could. That is one of those 'gifts' they give us when they leave. The desire to help others, to know their pain in a way we could not have before. Our fur angels are the rock, the steadiness in our upside down lives, they are always beside us, always loving. I noticed immediately that when extremely difficult times come our way, we realize just how much we relied on them, how they got us through the dark days, we were always comforted by their love, their presence. When they leave the bounds of this earth, these dark days are so much more trying to get through alone. I know they are still with us, but the holding, the loving, the physical comfort they offer just can't be replaced. It is a much more arduous journey through tough times without them. Just know that Marissa is with you always. We here at the forum lean on each other so many times, to get through, to make it another day. You are never alone, we love you here, we cry with you, our hearts break for you. God bless you and keep you, comfort you, give you peace. I pray for your father, may he be healed completely. I pray for your heart, your soul, to be eased during the most trying time. Blessings.
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