Forum
Sign up Calendar Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 2 of 28      Prev   1   2   3   4   5   Next   »
Avabear

Registered:
Posts: 179
Reply with quote  #16 
Catibee, I completely understand about the vacuum, I had a mad cleaning session at the weekend, emptied the hoover and like you had to untangle all of Ava's fur from the brush etc because I know that when Ava goes these are going to be the things that will crush and overwhelm me and feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest all over again, however as soon as the mania was over and I sat down I immediately regretted it because it felt like I was trying to erase her from the house before she had even gone.  I had even washed her bedding and toys which I still regret even though she has now got her smelll all over them.  I cleared out her drawer in the kitchen putting all the food that I know she won't eat because her appetite's gone into a bag so that when she's gone I don't have to do it and can take it to our local supermarket as they have a collection point for donations for the local animal shelter.  It's not that I want to erase any trace of her, it's the opposite, it's like if I do these things whilst she's here it's somehow not as painful because there's still time for her to make her toys and bed smeill of her and get fur all over the place it doesn't feel as final as doing it when she's gone and there will be no more.
__________________
Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

0
Mollysmomforever

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 28
Reply with quote  #17 
Catiebee, I am so sorry for your loss.  (And what a beautiful name Marissa is.  I'm sure she was a beautiful as her name based on your description).  I lost my little Molly (a 9 year old Havanese) just 3 days ago (suddenly and unexpectedly) and have been crying out loud that I want her back.  So, believe me, I understand your pain.  I feel the same empty space where Molly should be in front of the fireplace, or the sound of her lapping her water.  It's too quiet and too lonely without her, but, most people expect me to just get over it because she was "just a dog".  It is great to have a place like this where everyone understands that our pets are not "just dogs" (or cats or birds or horses).  They were deeply loved family members.  It is just so, so SO hard to go through this.  Please just know that you are not alone in the way you feel.  I will include you in my prayers tonight for peace and healing.  


__________________
Molly's Mom Forever
Jo

0
RileysMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 423
Reply with quote  #18 
Catie,

Please know we’re always here for you. I see how much care and support you’ve been giving to others on this forum, you truly are a kind-hearted person. I can only imagine how much of a cocoon of love and warmth you surrounded Marissa in. I can see you’ve been through so much these last few years, I’m sorry that now you have this as well. It is a horrible, deep sadness.

Keep hanging in there, treasure the little bits of her that you find, and know our thoughts are always with you.

__________________
Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

0
catiebee

Registered:
Posts: 1,085
Reply with quote  #19 
Thank you all so much.

Thank you for writing me, Avabear. I can understand your need to do anything whatsoever that you can to make life easier for yourself emotionally. It is all so, so, so hard. And to time certain actions proactively with even the possibility of decreasing the pain or moving the timing of the pain--that makes sense to me.

Mollysmomforever, thank you, and I'm very sorry for your deep loss. I love the name Marissa. I wanted a beautiful, feminine name for a girl who was so beautiful. You are so right that your beloved Molly and my girl, all our pets here, were in no way just a dog or just a cat.  Dearest of friends and family members, kindred spirits. Not "just" anything. 

Rileysmom, thank you for all the supportive posts you've made to me and all your kindness. I think all of us here do try to give out of our pain and see if we can be a balm for each other. Goodness knows, we all need soothing and some gentle words.

I'm not very ok today. I did receive baby Marissa's ashes today. I am not ok that that is all I have left of my beloved dog. A container of cremains sitting on the table. Baby Marissa doesn't belong on the table. She belongs in living form on the floor, sniffing, snoofling, tail floofing, lapping water and chewing rawhide.

 I sent my therapist a check for the session I missed while taking Marissa to the vet during the emergency, while her health plummeted last week. Her policy is that you have to pay for a missed session and in my distress, miss one I did. It was on an odd day from usual. I am not feeling love for her over this and I think we're done.  

And there is a Catch 22. The grief was so outrageous a couple days ago that I have been unwilling to cry since then, lest the emotional pain shoot up to a volcanic level like that again. I know it's counterproductive to not cry. But I don't seem to care about that right now. I just want to put a plug in it, if that could be possible. Starting Dec. 10 when I found the lumps I have grieved and grieved and cried like a maniac, just relentlessly. I tired of hurting sooo badly and tears pouring down and blowing my nose. 

Yeah. Not having a good ride today. Technically it's Wednesday now, I guess, and maybe Wednesday will be better than the day Tuesday was.





__________________
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
0
Avabear

Registered:
Posts: 179
Reply with quote  #20 
Hi Catie,  I understand what you mean about feeling like since you felt the lumps in December you have been grieving.  I recently went to a book launch for a patron of the charity I work for who wrote a book for parents on preparing for the death of a child.  Her son died of cancer 4 years ago.  As I mentioned in another post that I read the book in the last couple of days and it applied as much to people preparing for the death of a pet as much as a child (please don't be offended by that anyone, it's just how I feel)  Anyway, there was a section in the book about Anticipatory Grief which is quite a new term for me but it is the process of knowing that death is approaching way before death happends such as from diagnosis to death.  Ava was diagnosed with teminal cancer 5 weeks ago and since then everyday has been about 'lasts' last walk' last time she'll do this or I'll see her do that and it has been so emotionally draining.  I have cried multiple times a day since in the last 5 weeks, everything and anything can set me off.  I literally feel I have been in a prolonged state of grieving for these 5 weeks even though she is still here.  The book describes this process and I have been able to make some sense of this and understand that it is a 'thing' and is part of the grieving process.  So whilst your loss may seem really new, in reality you started down the grieving process back in December when you felt the lumps and have been trying to stuff it back down and hold it in all this time which is why it is exploding in such an overwhelming way now.
__________________
Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

0
mattiemae

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 68
Reply with quote  #21 
I am sharing you pain.  I had bought my baby some Valentine Treats..... in anger ...just threw them  in the trash.. stages of grief I guess.  Sending you prayers and pray for me, please.
__________________
Mattie's Mom
0
Mollysmomforever

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 28
Reply with quote  #22 
Thinking of you today, Catie and hoping that Wednesday will be a better day than Tuesday.  We all have to just keep taking one day (or one hour) at a time.  You are not alone.
__________________
Molly's Mom Forever
Jo

0
Avabear

Registered:
Posts: 179
Reply with quote  #23 
Mattiemae, I get that about the valentine treats, I couldn't even bring myself to Ava any this year because I wasn't sure if she would make it til today or if she made it this far if she would be well enough to eat them and now I feel bad because she is and i didn't. It's such a lose lose place to be in.
__________________
Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

0
ForMitookie_03

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 209
Reply with quote  #24 
Hi Catie,  just thinking of you today and sending positive thoughts your way.  I'm hoping that in the midst of all this grief, you find a moment here and there to feel some peace as well.  Articles left behind by our beloved pets are so hard to deal with after they are gone.  I still don't want to wash the jacket I was wearing when I had to put Mitookie to sleep, because it's the last thing he touched.  I miss burying my face in his neck, listening to him purr and giving him a thousand kisses.  Mitookie knew how much I loved him, just as Marissa knows how much you loved her.  Be kind to yourself.

Hugs,

Marina

__________________
Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
0
catiebee

Registered:
Posts: 1,085
Reply with quote  #25 
Thanks so much to you all for your kind words and warm support.

Just to explain, I have not stuffed the grief at all until the last couple of days, and I will let myself cry today. Have already shed some tears this morning. In December when Marissa was diagnosed--and I wish I had realized I could come here during the journey with her cancer--back in December, I cried rivers and rivers and rivers. And oddly, it was like learning I was going to lose her opened the sluice gates! I would start crying about Marissa, weep and weep the pain out--and then I would need to cry about all manner of life losses. I mean, the pain flooded out and poured for two and a half weeks at a level I had never experienced before. I thought I would lose my mind with the pain. It took a break for a few days and in early January the grief and tears were at flood stage for awhile again.   So yes, I did some pre-grieving. I did give myself to the grief, because I knew that I had to. I knew that those tears had to be cried so that I could regain some emotional stability. It was one of the most horrible times of my life, the nearly two months that I knew Marissa had a terminal illness. She was expected to live months. And she didn't. Her life was cut short. But the extreme anxiety and pain were soooooo hard to bear up under. If there is a "good" aspect to all this, it is that I'm no longer trying to survive that torturous anxiety, because it's over. She's gone and I'm no longer questioning when? and if? and I'm no longer having to make decisions about her care.

To regain emotional equilibrium, when I'm hurting, I'm a person who has to cry often. But ugh!

Having her ashes home is such a stark, final thing. It pierces my heart. I still just can't believe all of this has happened. And I need to mentally and emotionally try to process the events of her last week, which took place last week. We weren't expecting something neurological to happen and it was awful to witness. And there was some suffering. And I had promised to not let my sweet Marissa suffer. I relieved her in the heartbreaking way that I had to, once it was clear things were irreversible. But her decline hurts so very much and breaks my heart apart. It is hard to wrap my head around it all and I miss her, miss her, miss her so very, very much.

__________________
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
0
Avabear

Registered:
Posts: 179
Reply with quote  #26 
Catie, I can so relate and totally understand what you mean about the pre-grieving.  Since I found out Ava had cancer a month ago I have done nothing but cry, I cry over every little thing and it's not just about Ava like you said it's like every bit of hurt, pain, regret that I have experienced in the last few years has been unleashed and is just crashing out.  

Quote:
the extreme anxiety and pain were soooooo hard to bear up under. If there is a "good" aspect to all this, it is that I'm no longer trying to survive that torturous anxiety, because it's over. She's gone and I'm no longer questioning when? and if? and I'm no longer having to make decisions about her care.


This is exactly what I am experiencing, I have been having extreme anxiety like I have never experienced before.  I think grief is a strange process and anticipatory grief is something I have never experienced before and is so so hard to deal with.  I'm glad I'm not the only one that has experienced this because I do feel like I'm going out of my mind.  Thank you for sharing your experience.
__________________
Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

0
catiebee

Registered:
Posts: 1,085
Reply with quote  #27 
Avabear's Mummy, thank you for your supportive post. I much appreciate your coming here to talk to me. I'm sooo sorry you're experiencing the high anxiety--that is enormous suffering right there.

It feels like the post I wrote yesterday took place so very long ago.  I feel like I am living a whole era every day because time seems like it's moving so slowly. 

I continue to find myself wanting to leave the apartment because the apartment feels completely like Marissa Land. And it being Marissa Land hurts so much. I continue to have my mind prompt me that she needs to go outside. That she would enjoy a walk and all the sniffing she would do. Reading the paper, I called it.  My heart is hers. Yes, my heart is Marissa Land, too, and always will be.

I dearly miss her pre-pee moves and her poop dance.   Before she would puddle, she would make a careful survey of a prime spot, sniffing it long, circling and patting it with her front feet. Then she would mark it by relieving over it.  She had a fiesty post-poop dance also.  Too cute.

I feel like I need to tell the story of her last week again and again. To rewind and play it again through my mind. And pour my own compassion on it, I guess. Maybe an out-of-state friend I know would listen on the phone. I haven't called her yet with the news. I've carefully dispensed the letting people know, because I have so few friends and only one remaining family member. I knew it would hurt terribly for a long time and I wanted to hold off, not tell the handful of folks, knowing I wouldn't only need to talk right after her passing.

I'm just so sad. And I'm very tired. The loss has left me very drained with deep, deep longings for her to return. I desperately want to touch her again.



__________________
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
0
Avabear

Registered:
Posts: 179
Reply with quote  #28 
The pre-pee dance and the poop dance lol I love that, what a lovely vision that conjours up and what a lovely memory to have of her.I understand about not wanting to tell people, I understand the need to keep telling the story, it's like your brain is trying to proccess it, to make sense out of it but it doesn't help. 

Grief is very draining, it saps all of your mental, physical and emotional strength, try to get some rest and make sure you look after yourself it's what Marrissa would want.

__________________
Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

0
RileysMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 423
Reply with quote  #29 
Catie,

It is so very difficult. I’m sorry the reminders are so desperately painful at the moment. There’s no denying we are creatures of habit. Our minds and bodies are dependent on actions and patterns that come to define who we are. I read once that “our habits are our security blankets, enveloping us in their consistent presence and comfort of familiarity.” Imagine losing something that gives us security in the midst of losing a beloved companion and grieving. How awful, it’s like being slammed with a double whammy, and then being compounded by whatever else is going on in our situation in life. When we lose a habit, it takes time for us to adjust. Those mental patterns don’t just go away overnight, it takes weeks and weeks. So give yourself time. It will get better.

Please make sure you are getting rest in spite of everything. All of this does take a toll on us mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually. Do the things you find healing and helpful.

Take care and know our thoughts are with you.

__________________
Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

0
MissingScooty

Registered:
Posts: 317
Reply with quote  #30 
Catie I saw that you were recently checking on me...now it seems you need help. I understand what you are saying and Rileys Mom is so right about the mental patterns. It's been two months and still I think about getting home at a certain time to let Scooter out for a walk. Really?!!! yep.
Is there something you can do for yourself that you find healing as Riley's Mom suggests? For me, I got a professional massage (I had some that were already paid for from a membership I once had). Please hang in there and remember the HOPE Hang On Pain Eases 😉

__________________
Missing and loving Scooter Forever
- Melissa
0
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.