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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #1 
I'm loaded with grief and tears after having to put down my beloved 11 year old dog Marissa yesterday. She had lymphoma, and she was being treated for it, but she didn't even make it two months from the time of diagnosis.

On Monday we thought she had somehow sprained her back or maybe damaged a disk. She was clearly in pain, but the vet said we should treat the pain and hoped she would improve. She didn't. We added another med, still not better. Then Thursday things took a turn and Marissa started falling, then careening, and fell and couldn't get up. I wonder now whether the cancer invaded her central nervous system. The emergency vet said she was disoriented and agreed that it was time to send her to heaven.

I have incurred a great many losses in my life. I know this is untrue, but it has felt like I've lost the only good thing I had left, with her passing. But the losses have piled on and there is such deep sadness and heartache. I feel lost without her.

She was an absolutely beautiful girl. So very very loving. And she had the softest fur I ever felt. I miss stroking her head and back and tummy. Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of her right now. It hurts so so much.

It was late afternoon when we were done at the emergency vet, so I brought her home. I have to make the hard journey today to give her to the folks who'll do the cremation. I remember how desperately difficult handing off and releasing the body was, the last time I had to do this with my previous treasured dog 11 years ago.

This baby girl has meant so much to me and been there through such painful times in my life--a horrible divorce, for one thing. I miss her desperately and want her back. But that can't happen.


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Catie
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Jscandle

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Reply with quote  #2 
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I too had to my my best friend to rest this past Sunday. It seems as if the cancer took over my boy as well As he also was falling and careening. He was so confused and disoriented. So I made the decision. So hard. I kno it was the right thing to do but still it haunts me. I had juice cremated as well and he is back home with me. A sense of comfort yes. Handing him over was so hard. I would have held him forever. I feel as if I may not have much advice for you because I am stuck grieving as well but I just wanted to let you kno that you are not alone and u did the right thing I’m so sorry for your loss
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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #3 
Catiebee, let me first say I'm so sorry for your loss.  You came to the right place to grieve.  I lost my Mitookie almost two weeks ago and I'm still a mess.  It is always hard to lose your beloved pet, however I have found that when that pet got you through other traumatic times and losses, it seems to be even harder.  People who don't understand might laugh, but I felt Mitookie was my soul-mate.  I have other pets, but something about that cat and the way he looked at me and took care of me, made me feel like he was reaching into my soul and could feel what I felt.  He was sick and the end of his life was tragic and I had to make the excruciating decision to put him down because he was disoriented and couldn't see.  Without going in to all the detail, I went through guilt and anguish and I'm still there.  Only time will heal this pain you feel.  You gave your baby a beautiful life and as comfortable an end as possible.  I hope that you can find some peace and comfort as you try to heal.  Be kind to yourself. 

Marina

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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #4 
Jay and Marina, thank you so much for your compassionate posts. I'm so sorry for your losses, too. It does mess you up and devastate emotionally! I'm sorry you understand so well because of your own recent experiences with beloved pets.


I had to contact a pet cemetery where they do cremations and then drive Marissa across town to hand her over today. There are no words for the suffering of my heart in doing this! It is such a horrible, desperately difficult thing to do. I petted her the whole time I was driving and I was a complete teary mess, just undone, with the person who needed me to complete the paperwork. She was kind and patient and truly a wonderful person, for whom I'll be forever grateful.  It was like pulling my own heart out of my chest to give her Marissa's body. Then I had to go back and ask for just another minute to kiss and pet my baby girl just a little more. So desperate for this not to happen. So deeply, intensely wishing all of this wasn't true. I wanted to roll back time and go pick Marissa up as a puppy again, instead of being in this horrible, unbearable stage and losing her. I can't stand it. I know I will endure this, but it feels like I can't live through it.



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Catie
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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #5 
Catiebee,

I am so terribly sorry for you and Marissa. I relate so much to what you went through and are feeling. My girls got me through my mom’s cancer and death, as well as other very difficult times. I miss petting my girl’s fur too, she had a soft coat as well. I don’t know, there’s just nothing like it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could say something more to make you feel better. I think I relate so much, it’s hard for me to find the words. But please know you are not alone through this. I can see you loved Marissa very much and I am glad she was able to live her life with you.

I hope for some peace to enter your heart and to help you through this difficult time.

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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JimTrip

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Reply with quote  #6 
Dear Catiebee,

Marissa sounds like a perfectly splendid little soul who was loved as much as she loved you.  I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are having to go through this and at this particular time of your life.  I had to have my beautiful Tink euthanized two weeks ago after she'd been the most caring and solid doggie companion to me for thirteen years.  Her symptoms were similar to Marissa's, and I too went through similar events with her cremation.  

I understand the loss and this tremendous level of grief.  I wish I had some words to make it a bit more bearable for you, but I'm an emotional train-wreck still at this point.  Just know that my heart goes out to you, and that we are not alone by virtue of the number of remarkable people in this forum.   

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you so much, RileysMom and JimTrip, for your compassionate words and understanding. Though I'm very sorry you understand so personally and painfully and I hate that you've both so recently experienced your own devastating losses.

It feels like I cannot possibly live through this, but I'm glad I have the history of losing my last dog to call on. That I did actually survive the loss and will endure this one, as well.  But gosh.  The pain is so raw. Like all my skin was pulled off, emotionally. Just hideous, harsh, and as though someone took a baseball bat and beat up my soul.

I am sad. Sad sad sad sad, incredibly sad. At the moment it feels like there is no consolation and that there never could be. She was my heart of hearts. I adore her.

I keep saying out loud today, "I want her back." "I want this to have not happened." "I want this to be undone." I can't stand that she is gone. This is rotten beyond words!!!

I had already sustained loss upon loss upon loss. I haven't even been able to rebuild my life from my last move. I have one remaining family member on this planet and almost no friends.

So, now? Marissa had to leave now??? Seriously, life can be horribly unfair. I protest and protest again. But that won't change this. Nothing can undo or fix it. 

I awoke from a nightmare where when I opened my eyes, I had slammed her precious body in the bottom part of a car door and killed her. That picture is torturing when it returns to my mind. Maybe my psyche is wrestling with the euthanasia.

I just cannot fathom that she's gone.  Soooooo many reminders great and small of her, constantly. My heart is aching and torn. I hate this, hate that this has happened and I want her back.







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Catie
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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #8 
My God Catie, I can’t believe how much I relate to your experience and what you are saying. Your words could be my words. I’m so sorry for us both. I wish there was something that could undo this for all of us.

I’ve been through grief before too and like you I know it will get better. But just the same, it doesn’t make this any easier. Because, it’s not the loss that gets easier, it’s just that we get used to living with it. And we have to get used to this one too. That takes the passage of time.

There’s so much overwhelming frustration in my soul for not being able to undo this, for not being able to stop it from ever happening. I’m sure you feel similarly at times.

We miss Marissa with you and I hope you can have some gentleness and peace today.


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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #9 
Catie,

I , like RileysMom, feel that your words could be mine.  Even though our situations differ, I cried out loud "No, no, no, this isn't happening."  "This isn't real."  "I wan't him back!"  My heart is still so broken and it's been two weeks.  I feel like I'm doing well sometimes and then, out of nowhere, this gut wrenching wave of sorrow causes me to break down again.  I feel weak, like I should be able to get myself together, like this shouldn't be affecting me so deeply, but it is and I can't fix it.  Today is Saturday and exactly two weeks since I lost Mitookie.  I keep looking at the time and thinking about what was going on at exactly that time two weeks ago.  I sat on the couch and just cried and cried today.  I live in a town home community and hope my neighbors can't hear me sobbing and bawling like a baby, but I kind of don't care.  I hurt and I'm hoping people are right when they say tears are cleansing.  I live alone and have two other cats. I know they know why I'm crying, they miss him too.  I actually caught myself calling his name when I went to call my other two back to the house.  This is going to take so much time.  Remember you are not alone.  

Kind Regards,

Marina

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #10 
I really appreciate you both Riley'smom and Marina. Thank you both so much for taking the time to post to me and to share my journey with me. My heart goes out deeply to you both for the heartache and the pain and the suffering that both of you are experiencing with your recent losses .grief is just ghastly. Marina I know your tears are healing but it's just an awful thing to live through and to just wrack your soul with with all that pain that needs to course out with those rivulets of water.

I just can't stand it that she's not here. She's supposed to be just a few feet away on the floor within easy reach. Marissa is supposed to be in view. I'm supposed to take care of her, I'm supposed to take her out , I'm supposed to feed her , I'm supposed to hear her lapping her water. None of that is happening and I am bereft. My soul is empty and torn and I still feel lost. My arms feel empty, my lap feels empty, my heart feels like it's been dredged over hot coals. The longing for her is unspeakably strong. And sobbing and sobbing doesn't help as much as I wish it did. I know it ultimately does help . but I want to take the pain level down now and I can't . it's just too raw. I know I keep saying this but I want her to be not gone so badly I want her to not be gone!!! It is agony to not have her here. I am so unspeakably sad. no words are strong enough at all for how much this hurts. I miss her I miss her I miss her so much.


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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #11 
Catie...I decided to read your posts since you have been so kind to reply to mine. Wow  I relate...not only to the horrible divorce but other loss upon loss that followed (parents dying, aunt dying, job losses), and to lose my dog just a year after my Dad died seems so so unfair. And weren't we so fortunate to have our precious dogs to get us through those times? But now what? We weep and weep for their loss. And yes so many things/places remind me of Scooter. Today I almost lost it walking into a stupid TJ Maxx, because suddenly I remembered I bought him his last bed there...about a month before he passed.
(by the way, the first vet who saw my dog, and knew him the longest guessed after the fact that my dog had a tumor in his liver that just grew so large it finally killed him-he explained dogs can live a long time with few symptoms with liver cancer)
Sending you a hug...
- Melissa

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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #12 
Quote:
Originally Posted by catiebee
I really appreciate you both Riley'smom and Marina. Thank you both so much for taking the time to post to me and to share my journey with me. My heart goes out deeply to you both for the heartache and the pain and the suffering that both of you are experiencing with your recent losses .grief is just ghastly. Marina I know your tears are healing but it's just an awful thing to live through and to just wrack your soul with with all that pain that needs to course out with those rivulets of water.

I just can't stand it that she's not here. She's supposed to be just a few feet away on the floor within easy reach. Marissa is supposed to be in view. I'm supposed to take care of her, I'm supposed to take her out , I'm supposed to feed her , I'm supposed to hear her lapping her water. None of that is happening and I am bereft. My soul is empty and torn and I still feel lost. My arms feel empty, my lap feels empty, my heart feels like it's been dredged over hot coals. The longing for her is unspeakably strong. And sobbing and sobbing doesn't help as much as I wish it did. I know it ultimately does help . but I want to take the pain level down now and I can't . it's just too raw. I know I keep saying this but I want her to be not gone so badly I want her to not be gone!!! It is agony to not have her here. I am so unspeakably sad. no words are strong enough at all for how much this hurts. I miss her I miss her I miss her so much.



Catiebee,

Thank you for your kind words and thank you for everything you’ve posted on my topic. I’m glad this forum exists so that we can have a place of understanding through what is one of the most rotten moments of our lives. It is, unfortunately, a very lonely time. Especially when you consider that the ones who regularly gave us comfort and companionship are the ones we’re mourning the loss of. How do you get comfort when it’s your greatest comfort in life that is gone?

I’m sorry this is so rotten. The agony IS unbearable, I understand so much. There is only one thing that could make it right, and that is to have them back,... it’s just unattainable. One of the great injustices of life, of those living, to lose our loves and to have continue to live without them. But it’s so important that we do that, that we find a way, because WE are the witness to their lives, WE are the testament of their importance and their memories. No one else values our little furry ones like we do. No one else recorded their lives in memories like we did.

We WILL make it through, day by day, slowly but surely, because there is so much love in our hearts, so much love yet to give to the most vulnerable, great souls who bless our lives.

We’re with you through this Catie, hang in there.

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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1967Pinecone

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Reply with quote  #13 
It's been nearly two weeks since I lost Stripes and over a month since I lost Cocoa, my favorite rooster. I keep saying the same thing, "I want a second chance, I want them back." It has taken me this long to finally accept that they aren't coming back. Especially when it's sudden, like it was for you and Marissa. I know what you mean when you say that Marissa got you through tough times. It was that way with Stripes. I had a nasty back injury 6 years ago and was unable to work for a year. Everything hurt and I spent that summer lying on a day bed on my front porch, with a constant supply of painkillers ready. Stripes wasn't even tame then. I couldn't touch him. But he was at the point where he'd sit at the opposite end of the porch from me. I'd talk to him and he'd listen. It was a horrible time in my life with no job and feeling like I had no friends. I suppose that's why I had such a bond with him. He didn't have anybody either. Of course I had my other cats and my dogs, but somehow Stripes was different. 

Scary dream. I think you're right that it had something to do with the euthanasia. I had one too a few days ago. My Stripes was a socialized former feral who couldn't be made into a house cat. My boyfriend found him on 1-31, he'd been killed by a car, and my only consolation was that at least we found him. Anyway, I dreamed that I'd lost my coonhound, Moonshine. In the dream we looked for him for months, posted on craigslist and Facebook, searched the roads. And we never found him, and after 3 months we gave up. I think that was my brain's way of telling me that this is final. It's over and I can't change it.

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"Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow" and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." Khalil Gibran
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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #14 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1967Pinecone
It's been nearly two weeks since I lost Stripes and over a month since I lost Cocoa, my favorite rooster. I keep saying the same thing, "I want a second chance, I want them back." It has taken me this long to finally accept that they aren't coming back. Especially when it's sudden, like it was for you and Marissa. I know what you mean when you say that Marissa got you through tough times. It was that way with Stripes. I had a nasty back injury 6 years ago and was unable to work for a year. Everything hurt and I spent that summer lying on a day bed on my front porch, with a constant supply of painkillers ready. Stripes wasn't even tame then. I couldn't touch him. But he was at the point where he'd sit at the opposite end of the porch from me. I'd talk to him and he'd listen. It was a horrible time in my life with no job and feeling like I had no friends. I suppose that's why I had such a bond with him. He didn't have anybody either. Of course I had my other cats and my dogs, but somehow Stripes was different. 

Scary dream. I think you're right that it had something to do with the euthanasia. I had one too a few days ago. My Stripes was a socialized former feral who couldn't be made into a house cat. My boyfriend found him on 1-31, he'd been killed by a car, and my only consolation was that at least we found him. Anyway, I dreamed that I'd lost my coonhound, Moonshine. In the dream we looked for him for months, posted on craigslist and Facebook, searched the roads. And we never found him, and after 3 months we gave up. I think that was my brain's way of telling me that this is final. It's over and I can't change it.


1967Pinecone,

What a great story about Stripes. I can see why you loved him so much. He must have helped tremendously to get through that injury and to focus on something else, on something good, at that time.

I’m glad you were able to have closure by finding him, but I am so sorry that it was in that way and such a painful manner.

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #15 
Rileysmom and 1967Pinecone, I really appreciate both of you talking to me and your supportive thoughts. You're both so kind.  I was just drowning in the grief this weekend, suffocating in it, and it matters that a lot to feel heard and understood in the midst of such awful heartbreak.

Pinecone, isn't it remarkable that Stripes could comfort you as he did, even before he'd felt secure enough to respond to your overtures and become more tame? I'm musing on that fact and thinking how powerful their presence and personhood is. I don't mean an animal is a person, but they are real, they can be engaged with, as you did conversationally, they are individuals, they contribute by being with you. I'm sorry you had that dream, but I hope that since you did have it, that it may be part of your healing from the grief. And I'm so sorry you went through that season where you were suffering such physical pain in isolation. And but for Stripes, it would have been an even more awful time. I can relate. I went through heart surgery completely on my own out of state in late 2016. I knew nearly no one here after moving across country because of elderly parents and I immediately lost my mom. Returning home from surgery to where Marissa was, I recovered entirely alone. There was no one to call on. It was a tough, tough season. But in spite of all I didn't have, I had Marissa. 

And now... Just Ohhhhhhh. Deep sighs. An aching heart.  Such disappointment and it still feels impossible to believe she has passed away and is gone.

I tried to step back from it a bit yesterday. To the degree that it's possible and I guess for me, that turned out to be getting out of my living space for most of the day. Because home is Marissa zone. It feels like every bit of goodness that was here was from her presence and her light has been snuffed out. And that is unspeakably sad.

I need to vacuum. And I don't want to vacuum because Marissa was a long-haired girl and when I vacuum, this will be the last time I'll pull up a mass of her beautiful fur from the carpet. No more. It won't keep happening anymore. And even though it was always a pain to unwind from my Oreck brush roller (hate the particular vac that I own!), I never really minded because I loved her coat and her softness so dearly. And she was utterly beautiful.

The achy grief feels like someone laid something very heavy and dark on my chest and I can't take it off. This will pass. I know it will. But oh, the sad sadness is too sad. Like sadness that's been stuffed with extra sadness that's been stuffed with more sadness. Ugh.





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Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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