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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #61 
Mother_of_Leia,
I’m so sorry to hear about your precious little Leia. I would love to see a picture of her if you don’t mind sharing. I’m happy to hear my letters have comforted you and let you know you are not alone. I know how the first few days are. They are definitely the worst. I couldn’t sleep. I slept maybe 10 hours in 3 days. I didn’t eat but maybe a few bites here and there. I actually lost weight. My eyes hurt so bad from constantly wiping away my tears. I’m sorry you’re hurting so bad. I hope after seeing her and getting her ashes, you will be able to find more peace. I’m sorry to hear how your Leia had cancer at such a young age. My babies were about 8-10 when they were diagnosed. I hope you don’t feel bad about her dying alone. Dogs prefer to die alone most times. They will try and find a secluded spot to themselves. I think that’s what Snowflake was doing when I was in the shower and she was in the middle of the hallway. I think she was looking for a spot to die alone but she probably had a seizure or maybe lost motor control and regained it when I came back before losing it again. I think about this very often. I hope writing letters to Leia helps you as well. It has helped me a lot I feel, but I still just feel rather empty and lost.
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Snowflaker

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Reply with quote  #62 
Hello, Snowflakers-
I wanted to tell you this morning, but I forgot. The Sunday after you died, daddy stayed with me at work all day. He tried getting me to eat multiple times. At one point I made a peanut butter sandwich. I had been holding your pjs all day and petting them. Daddy said to me at one point, “you realize you’re petting a sandwich”. He was trying to make light of the situation, but it made me cry harder. I couldn’t eat because every time I tried to eat, I felt so guilty about not making you eggs. I thought that might make you laugh. I haven’t cuddled/held/pet your pjs in what seems to be awhile. I still haven’t washed them. I still don’t think I’ll ever be able to. Not that I want to. I don’t think I’ll be able to wash any of your sweaters. Maybe, just maybe, one day I can have you cloned. I know that seems so far fetched and controversial. I know it wouldn’t be you, but it would be the closest you I’d ever come to again. You won’t believe what trouble Kali got herself into today. We have sticky mouse traps. Daddy didn’t push the one far back enough, and while we were outside I heard Kali making some strange noises. She ran on the stairs and I told daddy she was licking her chops. He came in and she had gotten the one out from under the cabinet, and licked the peanut butter off of it. Thank God, they’re not poisonous. She’s so bad. She thinks everything is hers.
Goodnight and sweet dreams, Little Girl. I love and miss you so much.
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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #63 
Thank you for replying Snowflaker and I would love to share photos of Leia, I can’t see how to include a pic to my reply but will post this and then try to do the pictures. I’m grateful I had almost 14 years with Leia. When she had her first lot of cancer at 4 and went through a HUGE operation (for which I took 1.5weeks off work to look after her post surgery as she had three drainage holes and could not move AT ALL), I was relieved it had been caught in time and naively never thought it could return. And we had almost ten years without any issues for which I’m very thankful for so there’s that. I know what you mean about the crying thing, my eyes are burning up and I can barely see out of them. I’m flying back to Australia tonight and will breathe a sign a relief I’m back in the same country as my darling girl.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #64 
Mother_of_Leia,
If you hit the expand button, it will have an option to upload photos. Our vet told us there was no point in removing the tumors at their age because chances are they would grow back more aggressively, it would be a hard recovery, and they could live a long, happy life with them. There were quite a few and were so tiny at the time. I’m not sure if it’s because their hair was long then, that we overlooked them for there to be that many at the time. So, we didn’t have them removed. Unfortunately, Snowflakes were much bigger and more aggressive than Angels. Her one was a little bigger than a golf ball by the time she passed away. It always worried me it would rupture. I hope you made it back safe and are feeling somewhat better. As hard as it is, remember to take care of yourself. Try to get sleep, try your best to eat whatever/whenever you can. Your little Leia would want you to take care of yourself. She wouldn’t want you to feel guilty. She would’ve wanted you to go on vacation and have fun. I’m sure just like my Snowflake, she would apologize for not being able to hold on awhile longer.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #65 
Good morning, Snowwy-
Me and daddy finally picked a spot to put your stuff. Hopefully, I can get it setup here soon and show you. It’s just very hard right now. We still have so much to do before the baby comes in a few days. I hope you’re doing amazing up there. I hope you’re enjoying everything you deserve. I hope you get milk with every meal. Eggs, bacon, sausage for breakfast. Whatever your little heart desires. I hope you can taste the food much better. I hope you’re chewing it too. Even before most of your teeth were removed you still didn’t chew your food very much. I remember one time we were at daddy’s he was letting you nibble a piece of ham. The end he was holding was super fatty and somehow you pulled the whole thing off of him and it just slithered down your throat so quick. It was gone in less than a second. I thought you were gonna choke on it. I was so worried.
I love and miss you so much Goofy girl. I can’t wait to be reunited with you again.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #66 
Hello, Snowflakers-
I remember when you’d get so excited sometimes you would do what I called tap dance. You would stomp your front paws so happily. It was the cutest thing ever. Everything you did was the cutest. You were the goofiest girl. You had the biggest and best personality. I miss you so much. Everything about you. I’m sorry if I upset you by not letting the neighbor kids play with you and pet you. After that one girl dropped you, I couldn’t. I was so traumatized from that. She dropped you from a few feet and you landed on your back. You were lying on your back just twitching. I thought I was going to lose you right then and there. I was panicking and I picked you up and tried to stand you up. It was probably the worst thing to do, but after stumbling for a few seconds you were back to your normal self. I was so nervous after that, I never wanted another kid to pick you up again or even be near you. I’m sorry I was so protective. You used to get happy when they came down to try and play, but I always told them you needed to go inside to eat or sleep. Sometimes you got scared to, which usually made me not feel as bad for doing that.
I love and miss you so much, Babygirl. Goodnight and sweet dreams, Princess.
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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #67 
Don’t feel bad about protecting your baby girl from playing with children. That story of the girl dropping snowflake ❄️ who landed on her back is horrible 😲😢. I totally get it was an accident but it still would’ve been very traumatic for both you and Snowflake ❄️ who was lucky not to be seriously injured. I was so paranoid that right from the beginning I actually never allowed my darling Leia to be picked up by any children and I had 13 nieces and nephews plus many friends with children so I was in constant guard duty. I was so terrified she would be roughly handled (innocently by an excited child) including being dropped (my worst fear along with stepped on) that I would either ensure Leia was shut up in my bedroom (OUR bedroom really as she slept with me every night) or she was placed in a highly visible (to me) spot from which I would never break eye contact with and if any child wandered near I would immediate rush over to pick Leia up in my arms and smilingly tell the child that baby Leia was too little to be picked up but that she could be (gently!) patted whilst I was holding her.
You did the right thing not letting any children hold Snowflake ❄️ after that one incident. As her mummy of course you would have protected her no matter how sad it might have made her at the time to not be playing with the two legged puppies ☺️
I have also figured out how to upload pics thanks to you so will shortly post pics. For some reason when I first clicked on expand option I didn’t see it allowed upload. But then again, I’ve been crying so hard that I’m amazed I was even able to see my text typing.
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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #68 
Thank you Snowflaker for your kind words 😭 I am eating minimally and only sleep when I’m utterly exhausted then I drop into a deep unconsciousness that I wake up from abruptly super early in the morning and can’t get back to sleep. I haven’t dreamed since I heard my baby girl died and I’ve been wishing so hard to be visited by my darling in a dream but nothing so far.
Leia’s daddy and I landed in the country early this morning and had to wait a few hours for the vet’s to open. We got there and they were all prepared for us, we were taken into a private room and then had our baby girl brought in to us. She was wrapped in a little pink blanket and was lying on her side looking peaceful thank God. We both cried, I burst into sobs straight away and cried so hard. We were left alone with her and we patted and touched and stoked her whilst telling her how much we loved her and how sorry we were that we hadn’t been there at the end. I even held her in my arms even though she was quite heavy and I could feel how cold and stiff she was (from being kept refrigerated 😩😭) through her blanket. We got a lock of her hair from one of her ears and her tail but she had recently been closely clipped due to extreme summer heat so there wasn’t a lot of hair to take! But I’ve got a tiny amount and it’s better than nothing.
We only spent about 15 - 20 minutes with her) I took some photos) as we see her again in the morning for her private cremation. We will be allowed to be with her for as long as we want in a private room before she is cremated and I will be able to prepare her for that. It’s going to be tough but I can’t not do it.
This morning when I saw her - after being in transit all night and feeling completely out of my skin stir crazy since Wednesday morning when I was told she had died - I finally felt a small amount of calm. Just from seeing her little body and touching her. These things grounded me back into my body and I feel like I can start dealing with just grief and not battle the insane level of panic and anxiety I had before on top. None of it seems real though cos my heart and mind keep rejecting Leia’s death. Of course I know on an intellectual level she’s died but it doesn’t feel REAL. Maybe because it doesn’t feel right. Leia baby girl, how can you be gone????
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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #69 
Pic of Leia as a young pup. I couldn’t find her in the house one night (our first place as Leia wound up living in 8 different places in 14 years) and was racing around having a huge panic attack.
Then in the bedroom I saw the wardrobe door open a crack so I flung the door open and there she was at the back of the wardrobe on top of some cushion covers I had flung down on an overnight bag.
This was the expression on her face when I took a pic and I think she looks all dreamy and content like she’s thinking lazy happy thoughts

Attached Images
jpeg 32897A59-8450-4414-9D61-7DC405703693.jpeg (204.64 KB, 6 views)

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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #70 
Pic of Leia on one of her many beds. She often looked up at me with this expression. My fiancé had many nicknames for Leia (as did I) and one of them was rust bucket face 😂😭 and I think you can see why

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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #71 
Pic of Leia - beauty queen
This is how she looked mid range between the two extremes of scruffpot fluff ball and skin rabbit. This pic was taken in Tassie, her favourite State to live in

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jpeg 07588621-39C6-45BB-8127-4A6F8BC058D5.jpeg (148.37 KB, 6 views)

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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #72 
Pic of Leia - last photo
This was taken right before we flew out for our holiday. She’s just been clipped and she has a patch of shaved skin under her throat as the vet had taken blood for tests earlier that day.
12 sleeps later, and on the 13th morning after this pic, my precious darling love passed away. I will forever treasure this photo for that alone

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jpeg A97B2ED6-FED2-4926-8E96-509B24330436.jpeg (71.77 KB, 6 views)

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f_defillo1

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Posts: 24
Reply with quote  #73 
She was a beautiful and happy loving being. You gave her all your heart.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #74 
Hello, Babygirl-
I’m sorry I didn’t write this morning. Daddy and I had a lot to do since we are going to the hospital tomorrow night. You’ve been on my mind all day. We’ve had a lot of last minute things we needed to do before we bring the baby home. We’re both pretty exhausted. I just wanted to let you know I didn’t forget about you. I could never forget about you, Babygirl. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. You took good care of me for 15 years. I’ll forever love you for that.
Goodnight, Babygirl. I love and miss you so so much. Sweet dreams.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #75 
Good morning, Sweet girl-
I had a dream the other day I got a Maltese puppy and she looked just like you. I was so happy. It felt like being with you again. I’m not very happy with some people and how they don’t understand how I’m feeling about losing you. They think I should be ‘over’ losing you by now. I feel like I lost a daughter, my best friend, and what feels like some days the only person that loved and cared about me. You meant everything to me. I grew up with you. You were always there for me. I don’t expect anyone to understand the bond we had, but to be rude about it infuriates me.
Mommy loves and misses you so much, Babygirl.
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