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CK1991

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Posts: 611
Reply with quote  #46 
Hi Snowflaker, I feel so bad that you’re so deep in grief but of course it’s normal since you loved Snowflake so much. I understand you wanted her to be part of your new baby being born but she’ll be there even though you can’t see her. I’d like to wish you all the best and I hope you will post an update when your baby is born. It will certainly be busy and exciting times ahead for you. Try and remember that Snowflake is at peace now and she will be so happy to see the joy this baby will bring you. Remember that Kali loves you too probably more than you know even if she doesn’t show it in the same way.
I love this poem too. I hope you’re doing alright. Thinking of you and beautiful Snowflake.
Hugs to you!
CK
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #47 
Good afternoon, Babygirl-
I’m sorry it’s late. I’ve had you on my mind since I woke up. I woke up late, and I had some things I needed to do. George sent me a video today of you and Angel. You two were the weirdest, strangest dogs sometimes. You would put your butts in each other’s faces and try to do “stuff”. In the video you fell off of her. Me and daddy were laughing so hard we both blew snot out our noses. I miss you goofy girls so much. I miss how Angel would run around the house so excited. Eventually you started doing it too. It was adorable. There were times when we had carpeted hallways and tile kitchen you guys would slide into the chairs, table, amongst other things because you guys couldn’t stop. You guys would zoom around so fast when you got excited. I miss watching you guys play together. It broke my heart when Auntie took Angel when she moved. You didn’t seem fazed though. I think you liked being the only dog in the house. You were always the alpha. I’m sure you missed her, but I know having me was more than enough for you. You were probably excited to have me all to yourself.
I love and miss you two Beautiful girls more than anything.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #48 
Hello, Beautiful-
I forgot to tell you earlier, Auntie made me a beautiful scarf with little paw print cutouts. It made me cry. Of course I immediately thought if you. I hate that you’re not here. I still don’t understand why you had to leave when you did. You were always such a healthy little girl besides having bad teeth. I’m still so confused. I still feel so awful. I don’t know why I was being so stupid. I’ll never forget that day. I try not to think about it, but of course I do. I hate how that’s the last thing I remember. The last time I saw you was like that. It’s heartbreaking. I hope you weren’t in any pain. I hope you were too far gone, even if that means you didn’t know I was there. I just pray you weren’t in any pain. Your howls still haunt me. They were different than any other howl I’ve heard you make before. I read some dogs howl when they’re dying. I hope that’s true. I hope that wasn’t due to any pain you were in. I’m glad you can’t feel pain anymore. I really am, but I just miss you so much it hurts. I miss everything about you.
Sweet dreams, Little girl. I love and miss you so so much
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #49 
Good morning, Snowwy-
Do you remember when you were little we would go for walks late at night? I would sneak out and take you for walks on the trail behind our house. You loved walks. I wish I would’ve walked you more. I was always so busy with school. I wish I made more time for the things you loved. I wish I gave you more treats. I was bad at that recently. Daddy was always the one that gave treats. I don’t know why, but it never crossed my mind. You deserved treats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’m sorry I never trained you either. I read training can increase a dogs life span, and it’s healthy to train dogs. I was so young when I got you and Grammy was too busy. You knew come here of course. You somewhat knew stay. You were my shadow though. Staying wasn’t something you were the best at because you always wanted to be by my side. You somewhat knew how to sit if I said it a few times. You knew how to dance and go arooo. I miss your aroos. Almost every time I ate you’d be on my lap going aroo. That was your way of telling me you wanted some. I can remember days you’d have me laughing hysterically while telling you to shut up. I miss those days.
I love and miss you so much Goofy girl.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #50 
Hello, Babygirl-
I miss you being here. I always will. There’s no one to put Kali in her place anymore. I know it wasn’t fair, but there were days you wouldn’t let her eat while you were eating or let her on the bed. I thought it was hilarious and adorable. You were the alpha and you couldn’t help it. We tried to tell you no, but you did what you thought you had to do. Sometimes you would go after her for no reason. She always just thought you were playing though. I love the few videos I have of you trying to play with her first. They’re so cute. You just stand on your back legs and paw at her. In the one video you looked like you were stretching and pawed at her face. You were the sweetest little girl in the world. It’s been over a week, I think, it seems like forever, and I haven’t gotten an email about your urn shipping. I’m wondering if I should call. I got a confirmation email, but nothing more. I’m not sure how long it’s supposed to take, but I thought only a few days. I just want it here so bad. I don’t want you in the cheap tin you came back in anymore. I want you in something special. You deserve better than that.
I’ll forever love and miss you, Babygirl. Goodnight and sweet dreams.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #51 
Good morning, Beautiful-
I was getting some cereal earlier and of course I filled the bowl too much. So as I’m making sure each piece has been dunked under the milk, a piece fell on the floor. I immediately thought of you, and how fast that piece would’ve disappeared if you were here. I usually had to point to you where the food was because your eyesight and sense of smell was so bad. Even then, you still had trouble finding stuff. I don’t know how you even tasted anything, but you got so excited anytime you got people food, so you must have been able to taste it. You followed me everywhere and watched my every move. If I dropped something you were on it immediately. Even though you couldn’t find it, you would protect it by keeping other dogs at bay. I had to call Kali for her to come eat it. She just doesn’t love me the way you did. I try with her, but I don’t see much progress. She’ll always be her daddy’s girl. She gets all the milk now when I’m done eating my cereal. She has to do a few tricks for it though. She burped last time I gave her my milk. I immediately thought of you, because that’s what you always did.
I love and miss your sweet self so much. Have a good day, Goofy girl.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #52 
Hello, Babygirl-
Your urn came in today. I’m a bit disappointed. I paid a lot of money for ‘engravings’ but they’re just on some cheap plaque. I might put them on for now, or I might take it somewhere to actually be engraved. Unfortunately, I didn’t read the whole description. It is beautiful though. It looks very much like you. Except, your hair wasn’t nearly as curly. Of course I cried when I put your ashes in it. It was very upsetting. It made it seem even more real you’re not here. It’s like I’m away waiting to come back home to you like in the summers when I visited my dad. I miss and love you so much, Babygirl. You have no idea. I wish you were here. I wish I could redo that whole week, even if it wouldn’t have saved you. I just feel so guilty about not taking you to the vets sooner. It’s a terrible feeling. I was your mommy, and I wasn’t even good enough at it. I had a gut feeling something terrible was wrong, but the vet tech didn’t advise to bring you in right away, so I didn’t think it was that serious if they were scheduling an appointment. I’m so sorry. I wish I would’ve just paid the stupid emergency vet fees.
I love and miss you more than anything. Goodnight and sweet dreams, Little Girl.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #53 
Good morning, Sweetie-
I hope you’re doing well. I love and miss you like crazy. I can’t believe how long it’s been since you left. It’s miserable without you here. I think about you constantly. I miss my little shadow buddy. My little partner in crime. I miss our long car rides when we used to go visit daddy. You loved the car until it started moving. It was like once we moved you couldn’t get comfy. I think you just wanted to be on my lap 24/7. I wish I could’ve let you on my lap, but it wasn’t safe. Your little head got in the way when I tried to turn the steering wheel, because you would never lay down. You were so goofy. I miss when you and Angel would jump up and look at the back windshield when we stopped at gas stations. You two were always watching out for me, wondering what I was doing. I miss seeing your happy self when I come home. I miss you running up to me and greeting me. I miss when you’d get so excited you would zoom all over the house because you didn’t know any other way to express your excitement. You were the most adorable little girl in the world. You, Angel, and Copper.
I love and miss you so much, Pretty girl.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #54 
Hello, Babygirl-
I know it’s late. You’re probably sound asleep making your cute whimpering noises. I always thought it was adorable when you did that, but I always thought you were having nightmares, so I’d wake you up. I’m not sure why, but you rarely slept on me. When daddy’s not home, sometimes Kali loves laying directly on top of me, sometimes. I always used to try and put you on my belly, but you would always move. Sometimes you’d stay for a few minutes. All this blubber must not have been comfy for you. My doctors appointment is tomorrow. I should know then when the baby is coming. I wish you could’ve met her. I wish we could’ve gotten our pictures taken together as a big happy family. I regret not taking pictures with you because of my insecurities. I only have a handful. I wish I had more. Even then, it wouldn’t be enough.
I love and miss you so much. Goodnight and sweet dreams, my Little Dreamer
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #55 
Good morning, Sweet girl-
I love and miss you so much. I hope everything’s going great up there. I hope you’re playing nice with Angel. You were so mean at times. I’m not sure why you attacked her at times, you would pin her down on her back somehow. She was always a little bigger, so it never made much sense to me. I wish I could go back to when both of you lived with me. I miss watching you guys play. Sometimes you guys would have playing sprees. You guys would play multiple times a day for days on end. Then you’d go a few months without playing. I wish I could post a video of you two playing to remind you how much you loved her at times. I think you were just territorial, protective, and jealous over me and your food at times. Although there were times you would attack her for what appeared to be no reason. It used to really upset me when she would whimper and you would attack her then too. It’s like you knew because you heard her whimper she was vulnerable. I wish you two got along better. I hope you know how much she loved you too. I hope you guys are getting along much better now. It would really upset me greatly if you got kicked out for being a bad girl. I know you’re a good girl, and you deserve to be happy, so please be good up there. I hope Angel has showed you around and you’re starting to feel at ease being there without me. I know I hate being here without you.
I’ll love and miss you for forever.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #56 
Hello, Sweet Girl-
I wanted to let you know I have to go to the hospital Monday night. The baby will probably be here Tuesday. It’s hard being excited at times without you here. I feel so lonely without you. We finally picked out her name. It’s the name that’s been at the top of the list for months. I’m sure you remember hearing it plenty of times. I would love the middle name Snow, but daddy said that doesn’t sound good. Maybe I’m just crazy. I don’t know. She wouldn’t wake up for her stress test today. She’s like you. Always sleepy and stubborn at times. I’m sure you two would have been great cuddle buddies. If you could’ve lived many more years, I’m sure you both would’ve caused tons of chaos. She probably would’ve colored you, fed you all her food, stole you from me at night. I’m sure she’ll do those things to Kali too though. Kali could handle it much better since you were so tiny and fragile. I know you would’ve went along with it too though.
Goodnight and sweet dreams, Babygirl. I love and miss you so much.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #57 
Good morning, Babygirl-
Really wishing you were here right now. I miss you so much. I can’t believe the baby is gonna be here in a few days, and you’re not here to meet her. That’s all I wanted. I knew you were old and prayed you’d be able to make it a few more months to meet her. I really wanted pictures of you two together. I know you would’ve loved her as much as you loved me. I wish you were as young as you acted most days. Everyone who met you thought you were a puppy. I wish things didn’t have to happen the way they did. I still feel like the worst mom in the world.
Have fun, Babygirl. I love and miss you so much.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #58 
Hello, Beautiful-
We ordered the rest of the baby stuff today. A little late, I know. Most things will be delivered Tuesday, some a few days after, but that’s okay. We don’t need any of that stuff right away. We have everything we need for now. I have to wash all the baby clothes tomorrow and pack the hospital bag. Late again. I’m not very ready, as you can tell. We have to get the car seat installed and the pack and play set up tomorrow as well. I’ve spent way too much time sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing. It’s so hard to find motivation to do anything without you here. I just miss you so much. I wish you were here. I feel so bad. When I was little, I didn’t even want you. I wanted the smallest dog in the liter. Grammy wouldn’t let me because she said the biggest are the healthiest, so I got the biggest puppy, you. It makes me feel terrible. I hope you know how happy I am she made me get the biggest puppy. You were my everything. I couldn’t have asked for a better dog to spend 15 years with. I couldn’t have asked for more from you. I hope you had a happy life with me, because I definitely had the happiest life with you. You were always there. No matter what.
Goodnight and sweet dreams, Babygirl. I love and miss you more than anything.
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Snowflaker

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Posts: 70
Reply with quote  #59 
Good morning, Babygirl-
I hope you’re doing well. I know I’ve said it a thousand times, but I miss waking up to you on my pillow. I miss you greeting me at the door with a smile. I miss you following me everywhere. It sucks being home all the time without you. I wish you could’ve been here. You would’ve been so spoiled this past month. Grammy wants to take some pictures before the baby’s born, but I don’t know if I can. I wanted to take them with you. It feels so wrong. Just like how they wanted me to take Kali to get her pictures taken with Santa. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t know how to do the things I planned on doing with you.
I love and miss you like crazy, Babygirl.
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Mother_of_Leia

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Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #60 
Hi Snowflaker, I want to let you know how much your posts have comforted me. I joined this forum earlier tonight as a result of some very desperate googling, crazed with grief from losing my darling little dogdaughter Leia, (almost) 14 year old Maltese Shih Tzu two days ago on Wednesday 8th Jan. I am
currently on holiday in Bali with my fiancé and my brother rang to let me know that my baby girl had passed away. He had been looking after her so was doubly upset about her death. My fiancé and I are flying back home (Australia) tomorrow night and I have arranged to view Leia’s body on Sunday morning at the vet’s then I’m having a personal individual cremation on Monday morning then taking her ashes home with us on a 4 hour drive to where we live.
I am completely devastated that my darling girl has died and she died alone (my brother was out of the house) and I am stuck in Bali not even able to rush to her body straight away. I’ve been in hell the past two days and nights since I’ve found out and have been crying so much my fiancé thinks my eyes are going to dry out in my head. He’s upset too and has been tearing up on and off but hasn’t broken down like I have but that’s because Leia was my baby who I’ve had since she was 8 weeks old whereas my fiancé came into my life and therefore Leia’s life 4 years ago.
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written - I too didn’t know about the dangers of not de-sexing my baby girl so by the time I did (she was around 4 I think), she had cancerous mammary tumours she needed removed. Then 6 months ago, she had another operation to remove malignant mammary tumours but this time she was 13 and not 4 so the vet said she faced serious risk of not waking up from the anaesthetic. Anyway she did and recovered fine I thought but unbeknownst to me, she also had lung tumours which turned into full blown lung cancer and this is what caused her death two days ago. I had the vet conduct an autopsy because before my fiancé and I flew out on our holiday, our little darling was a little sick with a cough and wheezing breathing which the vet gave us antibiotics and cough medicine for. That should not have caused her death hence my request for an autopsy. Well, he did it and rang me last night with the result - both lungs riddled with tumours. So my baby didn’t have a cough due to a bacterial infection or restricted trachea (another theory of the vet’s), she died from lung cancer caused/spread by the mammary tumours which was caused by me not having de-sexed her with she was younger. Like you, no one including my vet told me the importance of spaying and I thought the only point of doing that was to prevent pregnancy and I didn’t want to eliminate that possibility whilst I still considered Leia having puppies. If I had known back then that not being de-sexed would have increased Leia’s chances of getting cancer by an incredible amount, I would have had it done as soon as she was physically able to undertake the procedure. So believe me, I can relate to your guilt about not having had your babies spayed.
I can also relate to your guilt about so many other things - not walking her as much as you think you should’ve, not taking pictures of snowflake on special occasions, not spending as much time with her as you used to in the past and the most hurtful one, thinking you were blind to all the signs and not taking her to the vet’s sooner or more partly because you were worried about the cost. All of these things, ALL are relatable and understandable and I know exactly what you mean. Your posts are filled with so much love and raw honesty and deep pain and regret that they made me cry. But they also comforted me because I don’t feel alone and right now, I need to read about another mumma grieving the loss of her little furbaby so I don’t feel so alone and out of my mind with grief.
With my little Leia, I had no idea she was so sick. She acted normally and hid her true condition and it was only in the last 3-4 weeks she was showing signs that I somehow blinded myself to. I was in such denial!!
I can write more later but for now I have hit a wall of exhaustion as I have cried all day. Tonight I gained a little peace reading your letters to snowflake and then deciding to start my own letters to Leia. I write my first tonight and words just POURED out of me in torrents. A little bit of pressure has eased but I still have the flight home, viewing of the body and then Leia’s cremation to get through over the next 72 hours.
Your snowflake sounds so beautiful and I can see her personality shine through in your writing. Your immense love for her and the deep wound you carry inside you because she’s gone, is also very obvious. I have that same wound too and taking comfort in your letters. Thank you for that.
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