I had my dog put to sleep on April 20th, 2016, and I feel horrible. Kacey was 12 years old and my only family member. I’m single and have no spouse or any friends that are close by. I came home for lunch on April 14th and Kacey would not move. I immediately took her to the vet that afternoon. She was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma, a deadly form of cancer. She had a tumor the size of a softball in her spleen and the cancer had spread to her liver. Her liver was abnormal. The 1st option was having the tumor removed from her spleen, but it was only going to be a matter of weeks before her other organs would start to go downhill, that’s provided that she made it through the surgery. The 2nd option was do nothing, but the tumor was going to rupture and she would bleed out. I had always maintained that I would not put my dog through heavy medical treatment at the end of her life. The time had come for me to eat my words. And eat them I certainly did.
I made plans to see another vet over the coming days and in the meantime, I spent the time loving my dog for 6 days and spending as much time as I could with her. Something in my heart just told me that the 1st vet and diagnosis was true. If the 2nd vet had the same prognosis, I knew that I would be having her put to sleep. I was having trouble coping, and had very few people to talk to or relate to. Saying goodbye for 6 days was hard enough. I knew that there was no way I could say goodbye for 3 months. And each time I left the house, I was fearful that when I came back home, the tumor may have ruptured and she would be dead or in the process of bleeding out. I’m telling you that I was losing it. I was a basket case. On that 6 day, once we got confirmation that the situation was as grave as the first vet mentioned, I spent the next 4 hours feeding her a 5 piece chicken dinner, taking her for a walk at our favorite park, and then having her put to sleep at the end of the day.
But I feel so much guilt right now that it's almost unbearable. I feel like I let my dog down. I'm actually embarrassed of how I had my dog put to sleep after only 6 days. I did my best to say goodbye over 6 days and tell her how much I loved her, but I feel like I blew it. I feel like I was in a fog about the whole thing? It is possible that the tumor could have been removed and she may have lived 3-4 more months. But I would have been at work, unable to care for her like so many others have said they had to do. She was having trouble getting up, but she could get up. She was starting to drag one of her legs on that 2nd day, like the cancer had bled into that area. But that somehow worked itself out over the 4th and 5th day. But there were many times that I looked at her over these 6 days and she gave me that look that said “I’m so tired, and my body is weak. I can’t do much anymore”. I knew that this is what she was saying. I read many things that said do what is in the best interest of the pet. But I feel like I had her put to sleep because I was too weak to deal with it.
I went to the park 2 days after her death and took my pictures of her and asked for her forgiveness. I hope she loved me and our life. I wish she could tell me she’s having fun now. She was alone so much, and I only hope that now she is surrounded by other dogs. I hope she can brag about how good I was to her. Because I feel like I was awful to her in the final days. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I feel horrible.