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Belly
Yesterday was the day I went to the shelter as a volunteer. There were five dogs--Audi, Verra, Matilda, Velvet, Mary. 
I didn't know the company of other dogs could be somewhat comforting. Velvet was super clingy--she would put her paw on me whenever I stopped petting her. I felt needed.
But, Audi... Audi was the dog that made my heart ache the most. He's a big black dog, the complete opposite of Yuuki. He sat next to me, as if he understood that I had lost someone who meant the world to me, quietly keeping me company as if he was offering me solace. He had gentle brown eyes, and I just couldn't see past the kindness he gave me. When I teared up, he started crying too, and it hurt. 
Today, I was in the elevator down my apartment building, and a woman and her cocker spaniel came in. When I bent down, the little girl jumped on me and kept licking me and staring at me with huge brown eyes, so hyper that she somehow cheered me up. I don't know if Yuuki was communicating with all these little canines, but I hope she is. Like her legacy, or something, I don't know.
I miss her.
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LUCYLULU
So glad you went to the shelter...especially because I agree with you...Yuuki was sending messages to you :-)  Hope more signs & messages come. Hugs, KC
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Belly
Its been three months. It doesn't seem to be getting better. Every little dog I see, reminds me of the joy I lost. It's like there's this lump in my throat, and its suffocating me.
There's a hole and it hurts so much. It's so empty without her. And I can't stand the fact that she's gone. A part of me still can't believe it. Just holding on to the hope that maybe it's just a horrible nightmare.
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LUCYLULU
It's been 3 months for me too...since Lucy's been gone. I definitely understand. Some days, even some moments in each day are so overwhelmingly painful that it's hard to breathe. Maybe there will be more signs or connections with Yuuki (like in Marianne Soucy's 'Healing Pet Loss') that can help with the stinging hurt & sadness. We are all on this journey...that we wish was a bad dream. But we understand on this forum. And when I can talk about Lucy to strangers at work, I often find that there are many folks out there who have also lost beloved pets.  They often want to talk about their loss too...even if it was many years ago. Extra hugs, Kasey
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Belly
Kasey,
Truly, I have no idea how you or any one on this site push forward. I really don't. The silence that she left behind--its just so deafening, and I don't know how to fill the hole inside of me. She ripped my heart out when she left, no warning. Yesterday was a really, really horrible day--I finally told one friend that I didn't have a dog anymore, and even though I managed not to cry, I felt as if my just telling her made it even harder to accept. And like, I don't know how people actually talk about this to others. Its completely different from letting it out on an online forum. I felt so vulnerable, as if I was bearing my open wounds to her and begging her not to poke at them.
My paternal grandmother lost her third son to suicide more than 5 years ago. To this day, she cannot stop talking about him. My father hates it when she does that--he says that its all in the past already, and because he said that, he made the entire family think she was being an attention-seeker. In some respect, she can be, because she has a tendency to make up stories and air them in public. But, with regards to the loss of her son, I finally understand what it feels like to lose the precious light in your life and not be able to stop it. I lost her in the blink of an eye, and I didn't even have the chance to see her before she just left me, and I can't take it. I can't bear it. I think of her everyday and I can't help but feel that she deserved so much better than me. When I told my uncle that she passed because of tick fever, his incredulous reaction was "How were you taking care of her that she got tick fever? Did she have millions of ticks on her?" It hurt so bad. She could have lived a good, long life, but she didn't, and I regret that so much.
I really just want her to be happy.  
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LUCYLULU
One day...one hour...one moment...one minute at a time. The expression, 'Wait 24 hours and everything can change' is one that I am trying to adopt. When it feels really 'dark', I try to find 'something' that lets the light in. Just now I filled the bird feeders & watched all of the happy birds coming to feed.

I agree about family & friends. Unless they have gone through this seering pain, they may not understand. Sometimes strangers 'get it' because they have lived it. Even if there's no one to talk about Yuuki with, talk aloud to her.  Or start a journal. Though I have not done my own journal yet. IDK why/why not (?)  Keep coming to this forum...it helps. You're not alone. Hugs, Kasey
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LUCYLULU
Belly~  I was thinking of you & wondering how these days are going? I know you must miss Yuuki every day.  But I am hoping that somehow working with the other pets @ the shelter has eased your pain-- even if only a little bit.  Hugs, Kasey
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