I would like to share with you my last 24 hours.
I got my Simba's ashes on Saturday. A part of me was so relieved to 'have him with me' even though it was in the saddest sense. This relief was like golden necture, something to enjoy. I felt it in my heart though I might not be so lucky the next day.
That wasn't true. It was Monday that I started to shut down. .
It was like I realised the final chapter had almost closed. He was no longer, not only in spirit, but now also in body. I felt like I was lying to myself walking around the house, keeping his beds, his food bowl, litter box. I am practicing the Buddhist belief of keeping your pets things around for 49 days. I am sticking to this. But the feelings I have towards them is mixed and constantly changing.
It was a day of anguish and fear, whilst trying to look ok at work. I had such anguish and Simba just being gone. Then the worst thoughts of what I could have done better, and his final moments. Sicking.
Along with this, I got a huge and debilitating fear inside of me-acutely aware I was going to lose everyone I love and care about. All of them. How am I going to cope? I was so scared I spent every moment with my other half.
During the night a strange through came through. I am drilling through self help videos like nobodies business, and maybe something stuck. Simba is not here anymore. The crappy things I remember are non existing. Except through me. It is ok that he is not here anymore. I was always going to lose him. Unless he outlived me or us, and he would have been pushed from pillar to post, maybe finding a home, probably not because he was so old. And that would mean he must suffer my death.
It is ok that he is not here anymore. He was always going to not be here one day. Its too soon, I adopted him only 10 months ago, he was on the streets for nearly 2 years after being abandoned by his previous owners, but he knew my love greatly. I am still sad. But I need to turn him back into the light of the house.
Unfortunately, his passing has shook me enough, that today my partner showed a worrying symptom. He is aware of the state I have been in, so he begrudgingly went for this emergency appointment,  He was not overlay worried but from experience with Simba we are aware you cant assume anything in these situations. The GP referred him for an emergency MRI. While he was there, I had started to freak out hard and felt my face neck and heart all contort.
The referral unit sent him back after doing all sorts of checks and tests on him and said it was not required to do an MRI with all his blood and tests done.  But a check up will be done in two months time as a good thing to do. I am almost completely relieved, a little worried still because maybe something still could have been missed, but relieved, I am not going to squalor this good evening.
Simba is showing me I need to learn and find a way to deal with some seriously messed up emotions that I have, that are not healthy. These things affect me, my health, my relationships, everything. I have been trying to develop myself for along time but this is a wake up call.
I am still going to be watching everyone like a hawk, but I realise now I got to take away the excuses to 'fixing me'. I need to do this. For everyone. For me. For Simba. I love you my sweet boy. I love you so much. Thank you again for allowing me to be in your life.

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Dear Sheridan,

I am so sorry that you are going through such difficult and dark times. I think many of us feel the same way that you do. We are all kind of in a state of shock.

I lost my Mom when I was 23 years old. She was 53. She was a very kind, sweet and warm lady. She reminds me of the "Blue Fairy" in the Disney animated film "Pinocchio" she was so loving, and so enchanting. When she passed away, I realized fully that we are ALL going to pass away, and at any time. That there are no guarantees in life. Just with the possibility of accidents alone, and health issues etc. the odds are significantly against us.  And that we should look at every single moment we are granted, as having great value. And we should be very grateful and feel very blessed for literally every single second that we are alive. 

"We are all shadows & dust" as the saying goes. What I have come to learn is, what matters are the experiences that you gather in your lifetime (including with people and pets) and the memories of those experiences that you can look back at, and reflect upon, as often as you can, before you pass away. And enjoying the things that give you happiness, joy and comfort, as often as possible. "Live each day to the fullest" as the saying goes.

I wrote here on this forum once, how when Marmalade would be on my lap in 2017 and 2018 I would say to him (although he could barely hear me as he was almost completely deaf):

"Right now...this is OUR TIME. One of us may go, both of us many go, but right now we are here together. And THIS IS OUR TIME TOGETHER."

I knew he was not going to live much longer most likely, but I celebrated every moment I had with him. He taught me to truly "live in the moment."

We are all going to pass away. And middle age is not in our 50's, it is around 35 years old in my opinion. I am 57 years old. I will not live to 114. That is ludicrous. So many of my dear friends and colleagues have passed away in their 50's and 60's. To be honest, each day, each evening, is a BONUS if you live pass 7 years old in this World! As anything, anytime can happen to us. Again, accidents and medical issues etc. Heck, if you even survive being born! Is a bloody miracle.

I felt better once I started to keep a "Gratitude Journal." I would list 5 things a day that I was grateful for. It could be anything. Such as:

1.) Grape Juice
2.) Macaroni & Cheese
3.) Sunsets
4.) Books
5.) Reading

Lol. You finally realize that you never, ever run out of those 5 things a day to be grateful for. You can list places, people, things, foods, beverages, experiences, feelings, etc. And the lists go on and on and on. I kept a Gratitude Journal for years, and was shocked at how the good, outweighed the bad in life.

"My cup runneth over."

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