Hello all. This is my first post and I am so sad to be here, like all of you but fortunate to have found such a supportive community. May peace be with us all and peace to our furry companions that have moved on to a different place.
I killed my dog. I took him out for a walk two nights ago and didn't use better judgment. It was over 90 degrees and I wanted us to get exercise. He is very overweight and I am trying to remain healthy. He tolerated this heat before and I thought he was going to be okay. I kept walking when he showed signs of discomfort because I thought he would be able to tolerate a 40-minute walk. Writing this is making me seriously vomit and shake uncontrollably because of the guilt and sadness I feel. I took him into the hospital after trying to cool him off with cold water for about 2 hours. When I took him in, he was defacating uncontrollably with bloody diarrhea and he was blind. I didn't think dogs could go downhill so quickly. I figured that if I had suffered six strokes and didn't have carotid arteries and didn't feel hot, my dog would be fine but he's overweight, black and older. I adopted him seven years ago. $10,000 later, the vet is telling me that he will probably not make it out of the hospital and the humane thing to do is to let him go. That he has lived a wonderful life and knows how much he was loved. I haven't stopped crying in 2 days. He saved my life when I had my first stroke. He's been our companion and lived through my divorce with a domestic abuser. He has been the rock of my kids' lives. My cat's best friend. My heart. I cannot stand the still house. I don't want to work and am tempted to keep going with life support. He is in DIC. His organs are failing. I know that is not the right thing to do. As a first step to acceptance and euthanasia, I am writing this post as recommended by the vet because I will not stop crying and visiting him.
I guess I just need support. I know the guilt will not make things better and is no good for my kids because I keep telling them I'm a murderer. The vet has tried to comfort me telling me that I did not mean to kill my dog. That ignorance is not criminal intent. I get it intellectually but the devastation is soul shattering. It's the fourth of July and not having him bark here on my bed with fireworks is devastating. I see reminders everywhere.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story. I will miss my Samuel L. Dogson forever.
“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” – Anatole France