SamuelLDogson
Hello all. This is my first post and I am so sad to be here, like all of you but fortunate to have found such a supportive community. May peace be with us all and peace to our furry companions that have moved on to a different place.

I killed my dog. I took him out for a walk two nights ago and didn't use better judgment. It was over 90 degrees and I wanted us to get exercise. He is very overweight and I am trying to remain healthy. He tolerated this heat before and I thought he was going to be okay. I kept walking when he showed signs of discomfort because I thought he would be able to tolerate a 40-minute walk. Writing this is making me seriously vomit and shake uncontrollably because of the guilt and sadness I feel. I took him into the hospital after trying to cool him off with cold water for about 2 hours. When I took him in, he was defacating uncontrollably with bloody diarrhea and he was blind. I didn't think dogs could go downhill so quickly. I figured that if I had suffered six strokes and didn't have carotid arteries and didn't feel hot, my dog would be fine but he's overweight, black and older. I adopted him seven years ago. $10,000 later, the vet is telling me that he will probably not make it out of the hospital and the humane thing to do is to let him go. That he has lived a wonderful life and knows how much he was loved. I haven't stopped crying in 2 days. He saved my life when I had my first stroke. He's been our companion and lived through my divorce with a domestic abuser. He has been the rock of my kids' lives. My cat's best friend. My heart. I cannot stand the still house. I don't want to work and am tempted to keep going with life support. He is in DIC. His organs are failing. I know that is not the right thing to do. As a first step to acceptance and euthanasia, I am writing this post as recommended by the vet because I will not stop crying and visiting him.

I guess I just need support. I know the guilt will not make things better and is no good for my kids because I keep telling them I'm a murderer. The vet has tried to comfort me telling me that I did not mean to kill my dog. That ignorance is not criminal intent. I get it intellectually but the devastation is soul shattering. It's the fourth of July and not having him bark here on my bed with fireworks is devastating. I see reminders everywhere. 

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. I will miss my Samuel L. Dogson forever.

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” – Anatole France

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dachsiemom
What a heart-breaking story.  I am so sorry for you loss and for what you are suffering.  It is obvious that your Samuel had a wonderful life and was very much loved.  That is more than most dogs have.  The death of a beloved pet is tragic and shocking under any circumstances, and this one is even harder because you feel responsible.  I hope that you can forgive yourself.  We all make mistakes because we are human.  Sharing this story with others can serve two purposes.  It can be a way for you to unburden your soul and start your journey towards healing.  And it can be a warning to other dog owners about what can happen in this terrible heat we are experiencing in much of the country.  Through this post you may be saving lives.  The next few week will be difficult for you.  I hope this forum can be of some help.  -Dachsiemom
Moira - remembering Brandon
"Better lo'ed ye canna be. Will ye no' come back again?"
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janice4030
Just made me cry reading your post. I am so sorry for your loss and understand exactly how you feel. I posted for the first time today also. I lost a cat yesterday of 12 years. She was acting very different and when I got her to the Vet, I found she had a large cancerous tumor covering the inside of her mouth. I blamed myself for not getting her to a vet sooner, but my vet said there was nothing I could have done and to not blame myself. This was the first pet I had that passed and had to make that horrible decision of euthanasia. I knew I could take her home with pain shots, but also knew she was in pain and would have passed a painful death and I couldn't fo that. I stayed with her yesterday balling my eyes out. My vet was so kind, letting me know she is no longer in pain. Am I still crying today, yes, plus I have 2 Goldens that grew up with her and very sad.
janice helton
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SamuelLDogson
Janice, twelve years is a long time to lose your heart to another living creature. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you will also find peace in knowing that your cat was sick and even if you had found it sooner, it does not mean that you could have done anything about the gravity of her illness. I know the guilt is part of grieving regardless of the circumstances and I hope people can learn from my story about how serious heat can be for an animal. It breaks my heart to hear stories about keeping their pets out in hot (or cold) weather. My dog (lab mix) had some kind of breathing problem that made panting difficult (unbeknownst to me) and combined with his obesity and arthritis, the heat was too much.

Dachsie mom, thank you for your kind words. I am coming to terms knowing that my dog will be on this earth for 24 more hours and then I have to say goodbye and that his journey on Earth has come to an end. I am grateful for the time that I had with him. I am grateful for his unconditional love. I experienced the kind love from the sweetest animal that I've ever known. I am certain he is grateful for his time with us, too. He was neglected and abused and as a lab-pit mix, he didn't deserve to have such a rough start. We found him for a reason and he found us. He was here to get me through the roughest time in my life. I almost died two years ago, grieving the loss of my father, my mother's decline and a very painful divorce but Sammy got me through all of this. He gave me hope in humanity again. I felt so grateful for his company. I don't regret overfeeding him with homemade burgers, bacon, etc because he was so malnourished before I adopted him. I had the best 7 years an owner could ever have and I truly believe that he has forgiven me. I made him walk even when he showed signs of some distress. That was stupid! When I am ready, I will start putting away his food and toys and have my carpets cleaned. I have begun to put away his leashes and collars. I will miss his panting. His hugs, even his gassy farts (sorry, gross). 

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” – Anatole France

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janice4030
Hi. Thank you so much for your response. It meant so much to me. Remember, you also had no idea what was going to happen with your beloved pet. It sounds like you gave him a wonderful life, and I am sure he knows how much you love and adore him. The wonderful things about our fur babies is, they also love us unconditionally. I think maybe, that is why it hurts so much, because it is the purest most unconditional love that we all ever will experience.
janice helton
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stillmaudesmom80
Hi, I'm so sorry that's happened. Don't beat yourself up. Accidents happen. Also, sadly with animals it's easy to have medical problems go unnoticed. My sweet Maude was almost 15 and went because of kidney disease and arthritis. It's easy for me to think I did something wrong or should have caught it sooner. I think letting him go might be the kindest thing to do for him. You might want to think about what you might like to say to him or have it be like.
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Sil
Samuel's dad,

My heart breaks for you.  And, I understand your pain, it is extremely tough to "say good bye".  My very special dog, Sol stole my heart and I cherished his for eleven years.  I was not "ready to say good bye", but Sol was "ready to say good bye".....when, I "reacted", it was too late, and Sol suffered....  What I trying to tell you is that, we are human, we make mistakes, accidents happen, but, we never intentionally would hurt our fur babies. Your decisions were based on love for Samuel.       

 Samuel had your heart and you had his - heart mates.  Take care.  Sending hugs and prayers.
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Shortnsassy87
Please stop telling your children you are a murderer and stop thinking it—you did not murder your dog! You were a loving parent who was trying to do the best thing for your baby. I know thats easier said than done though because the exact words out of my mouth after Beowulf was euthanized were “I killed my baby”. I believe many of us here have a sense of guilt and responsibility for one reason or another.

I lost my sweet bullmastiff mix, Beowulf, back on 4/24 at 9 years old. He had been acting off slightly, but I didn’t think too much on it because he had to have his eyes removed a few weeks prior due to his glaucoma being uncontrollable with medicine. It was a Sunday when I noticed he was struggling to breathe. I knew. In my heart I just knew immediately he was in congestive heart failure. I rushed him to the vet who confirmed he had pulmonary edema. Monday I spent the morning researching, and I realized he was already in the very end stages of heart failure. I didn’t even need the vet to confirm this and spent the morning wailing. Later that day my baby’s lab results came back showing he had cancerous tissue all throughout his chest and abdomen. Tuesday I took him back to the vet for the last time and held onto him even after he passed.

I didn’t know dogs and cats should have yearly blood work because no one had ever told me. He was seen for his annual checkup in November, and I can only think he must have already had some signs. Why wasn’t it caught sooner? If it had been, would my baby be here now? Did I show him enough how much I loved him while he was alive? On top of all of it, I have guilt because I had a baby in November and just keep thinking about all of the times I told him “not now” because I was exhausted or dealing with a screaming infant. I’m sure he was needing me to comfort him because he was suffering and in pain, and I pushed him away.

I genuinely feel as if I lost a child. Sometimes I feel as if I’m drowning in my own pain because I miss him so much and don’t know how to move on without him. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you need. We didn’t say goodbye to pets; we said goodbye to beloved family members and it can be soul crushing. I had Beowulf cremated and plan on getting a glass bead made from his ashes to place on my charm bracelet so he’s always with me. Having his ashes has helped immensely because I feel as if I still have something tangible to hold on to.

I keep repeating “please let rainbow bridge be real”. I miss him and need him so much. I clingy to the thought that I’ll see him again. I am convinced not all soulmates share the same form as us. Beowulf was one of mine, and I will grieve over him for the rest of my life.
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janice4030
My prayers are with you. I too cried for 2 days straight. I purchased an online book, the loss of a pet. Between reading that, writing a letter to my pet, and this group, has helped me so much. Even though on my 3rd day, I still look for my pet, it is my first day I woke up and haven't been balling my eyes out. Thank God for all the support out there, and I pray it finds you as it did for me.
janice helton
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SamuelLDogson
I am so touched by all of the support I've received from each of you. We are profoundly sad and extremely devastated but know that putting him to rest was the most unselfish act that we could have done right now. We made the decision at 3 a.m. It was so sad when we went in again because he really tried to rally and come home but couldn't move. He used every ounce of energy to try and get off of his gurney. 

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought he had gotten off my bed and was about to call out for him when I suddenly remembered that he was not here. The patterns and routines that we may have complained about are so sorely missed. His empty dog bowl, his uneaten food, his hairs and remaining vet visits. The smudges on the glass from him looking out of the windows. The arthritis and allergy medicines. His toys and snacks. 

And I appreciate everyone telling me that I have to be easier on myself. In time, I will see that accidents happen and I had the very best intentions for him. 

I will miss his big lab/pit head barging in through the door to beg for food in the kitchen. Rolling over like a big hot dog to be petted. Not wanting to pet him on his belly because of his allergies. 106 pounds of pure love. I realize that I overfed him and that was bad and really contributed to his health problems. I'll never make this mistake again. In the very near future, in memory of him, I will adopt another unwanted dog that deserves to feel love.


“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” – Anatole France

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