Tomorrow is the one week mark. Although the first hysteria has subdued, I still feel desperate and hopeless. I think because I live alone and Reilly was my only child for 10 years we had this incredible bond. Also the fact that he died unexpectedly after three days of trouble without me being there, is adding to the stress and despair. I can’t describe you guys how much I miss him. There are no words. The finality of it all is what makes me insane sometimes.
I’ve been sleeping with pills all week and last night I decided that I had to stop using those to prevent me getting addicted to them, which would cause a whole new area of trouble that I can’t use. I had set my alarm at 4PM for the candle ceremony, but I couldn’t really sleep anyway. The pills made sure I fell asleep fast, no time for flash backs of those last days that are so painful. This time around however, they did come. And the questions about what I could have changed to prevent this all. (Nothing, according to the vet). When the alarm clock went off and I went online I discovered that there was a recent time change in the USA (I’m in Europe) and that I missed the ceremony because I was 1 hour late. I performed the ceremony on my own, lighting the three candles and reading the words but I felt sad to have missed the group ceremony. I’ll try again next week.
After this I fell asleep to have a vivid dream of my Reilly. He was happy and running and I was chasing him through the house, laughing. I grabbed him and he slipped away to show me that his food bowl was almost empty. He was having an appetite. The dream made me really happy, but missing him even harder when I woke up. Gosh this sucks so bad! It hurts so much… I yearn so much for him.
Also, the events of what happened exactly a week ago keep playing in my head, and tomorrow will be the day that he died.
How do we learn to live without our little fur babies? I can’t imagine it now. I know inevitably the worst pain will lessen, but somehow that scares me too. I just don’t want to let go of anything.
Thank you, lovely people out here. You’ve helped me survive this first week. I’ve honestly had feelings of not caring about my life anymore. At least then we would be reunited. He was my everything, my home. When I think of home, I think of a place where he is. Not my actual house.
I don’t like to go out, go to parties etc. My favorite place in the world is on the couch with Reilly on my lap. Cuddling, watching tv, playing…
No other cat can take this place, for its Reilly’s unique character that made him so special. Anyway, I know that you guys know what I’m talking about. That’s why I wanted to share these feelings with you, hoping to find comfort and support.
Reilly, I will love you forever. I will see you at the Rainbow Bridge.