Reilly

Tomorrow is the one week mark. Although the first hysteria has subdued, I still feel desperate and hopeless. I think because I live alone and Reilly was my only child for 10 years we had this incredible bond. Also the fact that he died unexpectedly after three days of trouble without me being there, is adding to the stress and despair. I can’t describe you guys how much I miss him. There are no words. The finality of it all is what makes me insane sometimes.

 

I’ve been sleeping with pills all week and last night I decided that I had to stop using those to prevent me getting addicted to them, which would cause a whole new area of trouble that I can’t use. I had set my alarm at 4PM for the candle ceremony, but I couldn’t really sleep anyway. The pills made sure I fell asleep fast, no time for flash backs of those last days that are so painful. This time around however, they did come. And the questions about what I could have changed to prevent this all. (Nothing, according to the vet). When the alarm clock went off and I went online I discovered that there was a recent time change in the USA (I’m in Europe) and that I missed the ceremony because I was 1 hour late. I performed the ceremony on my own, lighting the three candles and reading the words but I felt sad to have missed the group ceremony. I’ll try again next week.

 

After this I fell asleep to have a vivid dream of my Reilly. He was happy and running and I was chasing him through the house, laughing. I grabbed him and he slipped away to show me that his food bowl was almost empty. He was having an appetite. The dream made me really happy, but missing him even harder when I woke up. Gosh this sucks so bad! It hurts so much… I yearn so much for him.

 

Also, the events of what happened exactly a week ago keep playing in my head, and tomorrow will be the day that he died.

 

How do we learn to live without our little fur babies? I can’t imagine it now. I know inevitably the worst pain will lessen, but somehow that scares me too. I just don’t want to let go of anything. 

 

Thank you, lovely people out here. You’ve helped me survive this first week. I’ve honestly had feelings of not caring about my life anymore. At least then we would be reunited. He was my everything, my home. When I think of home, I think of a place where he is. Not my actual house.

 

I don’t like to go out, go to parties etc. My favorite place in the world is on the couch with Reilly on my lap. Cuddling, watching tv, playing…

No other cat can take this place, for its Reilly’s unique character that made him so special. Anyway, I know that you guys know what I’m talking about. That’s why I wanted to share these feelings with you, hoping to find comfort and support.


Reilly, I will love you forever. I will see you at the Rainbow Bridge.
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Ponchosmommie
I know how you're feeling...we all do.  We have all been right where you are now.  Things will get better, but we'll never forget.  I felt exactly the same way about Poncho.  After almost 3 months, I couldn't take it anymore! I could stand the house feeling like a morgue, and I couldn't stand not having him in my arms.  I knew Poncho would want me to be happy; and I found comfort in the book Animals and the Afterlife by Kim Sheridan. What I read in that book led me to another chihuahua breeder! After almost 3 months, I got Rocky. Poncho was white and Rocky is black and brindle. Poncho is in no way replaced...that would be impossible. Rocky helped me heal, and taught me that our hearts have enough love for other fur babies. I think of him as Poncho's little brother.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of Poncho...but I know he's here with me in spirit.

Reilly will always be with you too. Since you live alone, I hope you will decide to love again....in memory of Reilly.  When the time is right, you will know.  I can't imagine a life without at least 1 fur baby in the house!

I will keep you in my prayers.

Pat

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Loving_Ayesha
Reilly,
 
I'm glad you are keeping us "up to speed" on your past week.
 
Please believe Reilly is watching you from the Bridge and wants you to care about your life; you are doing him proud by seeking out others who know what you are dealing with.
 
After Ayesha's passing, my wife and I now have seven furbabies. In their own way they are dealing with the changes.  We have cats that have shown up at our door out of the blue. Somehow they know. We turn none away. 
 
They are consoling us just by being their furry selves.
 
You will never truly let go of Reilly; you will always have memories of your times with him and that is something no one can take away from you.
 
 
"A performing artist she; she purred with the mastery of an accomplished musician."
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Lullyloo
Reilly was so lucky to have you.  Tomorrow is the one week mark for us both, and we'll help each other through it together.  The good thing is that we survived the week even though we thought we might actually die of heartache.  

So many parallels for us.  You have been a blessing to me here.  I feel like I could have written your words.

Reilly is still loved and remembered.  He ALWAYS will be.
We may not be together in the way we used to be, but we are still connected by a cord no eye can see.
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ice
REILLY:

Yes indeed the pain of losing our little one's really hurts hard,it's a pain that you feel it on your heart.I had  an orange tabby for 20 years,when he went away it was like i lost my soul.No other cat will replace him but time will help you heal slowly but surely.So far in my life time i lost 2 cats, each time it hurts  a long time,we get so attach to their unconditional love 24/7.Soon  once again i will lose another one he has kidney problems,on FEB 17 i almost lost him but somehow he survive the stroke,it's true cats do have 9 lives.I'm preparing my self for another nightmare when the time ends for him"SNOWY",but for now i am enjoying every moment with him.
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spincali
Reilly,

I can relate very much to how you are feeling.  Shiner was my furchild for almost 14 years, and since losing her two days ago I have felt very lost and alone.  We spent almost every minute together (I work from home), and almost everything I do triggers my automatic thoughts and behaviors that somehow involve her.  The house is much too cold and quiet without her here.

I am sorry to hear you are having such trouble with the thoughts and flashbacks of those last difficult days.  That must be very painful and heartwrenching.  As best as you can, try to treat yourself with compassion.  Everyone handles grief differently, but when I find myself reliving the most difficult moments, it seems to help if I consciously replace that image with a happier memory of Shiner.

Hang in there, and hope to see you at the candle ceremony next week.

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