Oh My Goodness David, I am so sorry. I am sobbing as I write you, not just for your loss of Beans, but for my loss of Bailey Piper (we had to put her to sleep on Thursday).
I too have been riding the roller coaster. I blame myself for Beepers death. I know she was suffering and that it was best to put her out of her misery, but I still feel as if we committed murder. I cuddled her in my arms outside of the clinic (I didn't want her inside that sterile office she hated so much). She made a painful noise as the vet inserted the needle and I watched as she went from holding her head up to it drooping down onto her paws. I watched as her chest quit rising and her breathing stopped. I watched as her life ended. That image of my sweet girl dying can't disappear even though I want it o. I'm not eating or sleeping and can't stop crying. She, of course, slept w/ us, so I can't even go upstairs to our room as memories of her are there (all her toys, some of her fur on our bedspread, her littler box, etc.). We couldn't have human children, so she was our baby girl and photos of her grace the entire house, constant reminders of happier days and what all we lost with her death. I feel your pain and I know your loss. I don't know what else to say except that I understand. Like me, you're inconsolable right now and that makes perfect sense. You've lost a member of your family that you loved so much. Did Beans know what was about to happen? I truly don't know. What matters is how you feel about what happened. Do you blame yourself or is it just a "stage of grief"? The roller coaster will continue; it is a ride we all hate, but unfortunately we can't get off. I deeply sorry for your loss. Wendy
Our little Bailey Piper girl passed on 6/20/13 following sudden and unexpected health complications. For us, she was not a pet, but our child. I miss her roaming the house and cuddling w/ me every night. She was my Beeper Girl and oh so loved. I pray her memories will sustain me in time. Unable to change my username; would like to make it BeeperMemories.