DavidBumblequat
Please forgive me if this is all over the place or comes across as a rant. I'd like to give some background as I think it might help give a better understanding of what I am feeling and going through.  Late yesterday afternoon we put down our Beans.  Beans was 17 years old and had been with my wife for her entire life and with me the past six and a half.  Beans was my first fur baby in nearly 30 years, the other being a basset hound named Lola that I put to sleep when I was 16.  Beans was in fact the first feline companion I'd ever had which shocked most of the people that have known me since I was well known to be indifferent to cats.  I moved in with my wife six and half years ago with the knowledge that Beans was mean and nasty to everyone but her and her brother.  I really (jokingly) thought I would get slashed to death by Beans one day which in the end was the furthest thing from the truth.  She ended up being my BFF and my wife often joked that Beans ended up liking me more than her.  Seven more rescue cats later I turned into that crazy cat guy:)

About a year ago we took her in for her annual check up and learned that she was dealing with arthritis.  Our vet stated that aside from that she was healthy for her age and the arthritis we could control for a long time while keeping her pain free and with some simple adjustments could ensure a strong quality of life.  Two weeks ago we noticed that she had not gone to the bathroom in a few days so being loving and responsible we immediately took her to the vet.  We don't have nor do we want kids so our cats are our world.  The vet ran the full battery of tests from blood to x-rays to ultrasound and found that she was dealing with pancreatitis and diabetes in addition to her arthritis.  He acknowledged that he may be able to treat her though a lot of things would have to fall into place in order for her to get healthy and enjoy a strong quality of life.  He was cautiously optimistic but at her age he could make no promises so ultimately we needed to start thinking of the inevitable decision.  We along with the vet and his staff did everything we could to help her get better but if she didn't start showing improvements over the course of the next week then it would be best to make the humane decision to put her to sleep.  I must say that everything about our vet and his staff was beyond amazing and compassionate the likes I've never witnessed through an MD.

Long story short is that she quit eating and drinking on her own and when she would go to the bathroom it was usually where she lay.  While she had some good moments they were hardly anything that constituted a good or even decent quality of life.  By this past Wednesday night it was clear that she wasn't going to get better and was miserable.  The decision was made that yesterday afternoon we would do the best thing for her and put her to sleep.  I spent the day laying with her doing my best to love and comfort her which I feel like I failed at.  My wife due to having taken time off earlier in the week to tend to her grandfathers death had to go in and work a few hours.  In that time alone with Beans her misery was heartbreaking and her condition was to the point I was certain she would pass before we got to the vet.  She spent several hours in her bed looking back at the door waiting for my wife to get home....I really sensed that my wife's arrival was all she was waiting on so that she could finally let go.

When my wife got home we sat with her another hour prior to our appointment holding and petting her while we bawled uncontrollably.  For anybody that knows me the idea of me being that emotional is unfathomable.  I am combat veteran and have sadly lost friends and even held ones hands as he passed without losing a grip on my emotions.

This is where things got sideways for me.  We got to the vet and he made it clear that we could take as much time before and after the procedure even if it meant being there until midnight.  The doctor was sincere and clearly he and his staff were holding off emotions of their own.  I don't feel guilt for putting her to sleep, my pain and anguish comes from really believing Beans knew exactly what was about to happen and that is what hurts me the most.  It was obvious to my wife and me that she fought as long as she did not for her but for us and when the time came to cross the bridge she wanted to live even if it meant being miserable.  Is it possible that she knew what was about to happen even though she was sedated?

Last night was honestly hell.  I can't get the image of her laying in her bed on the vets table out of my head.  She finally looked at peace and no longer in pain but that sense that she knew what was happening is what has me distraught.

Again, I apologize for the lengthy rant but I needed to get it out somehow in as a most articulate way I could.  When I try to talk about it the crying overwhelms my ability to talk.  This pains me so f..king bad.


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AllConsumingGrief
Oh My Goodness David, I am so sorry.  I am sobbing as I write you, not just for your loss of Beans, but for my loss of Bailey Piper (we had to put her to sleep on Thursday). 
I too have been riding the roller coaster.  I blame myself for Beepers death.  I know she was suffering and that it was best to put her out of her misery, but I still feel as if we committed murder.  I cuddled her in my arms outside of the clinic (I didn't want her inside that sterile office she hated so much).  She made a painful noise as the vet inserted the needle and I watched as she went from holding her head up to it drooping down onto her paws.  I watched as her chest quit rising and her breathing stopped.  I watched as her life ended.  That image of my sweet girl dying can't disappear even though I want it o.  I'm not eating or sleeping and can't stop crying.  She, of course, slept w/ us, so I can't even go upstairs to our room as memories of her are there (all her toys, some of her fur on our bedspread, her littler box, etc.).  We couldn't have human children, so she was our baby girl and photos of her grace the entire house, constant reminders of happier days and what all we lost with her death.
I feel your pain and I know your loss.  I don't know what else to say except that I understand.  Like me, you're inconsolable right now and that makes perfect sense.  You've lost a member of your family that you loved so much.  Did Beans know what was about to happen?  I truly don't know.  What matters is how you feel about what happened.  Do you blame yourself or is it just a "stage of grief"?  The roller coaster will continue; it is a ride we all hate, but unfortunately we can't get off.
I deeply sorry for your loss.
Wendy
Our little Bailey Piper girl passed on 6/20/13 following sudden and unexpected health complications. For us, she was not a pet, but our child. I miss her roaming the house and cuddling w/ me every night. She was my Beeper Girl and oh so loved. I pray her memories will sustain me in time. Unable to change my username; would like to make it BeeperMemories.
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Momma2Max
I am going thru the same emotional rollercoaster as wendy. I didn't sleep or eat while Max was dying.

He refused to eat Sunday, and I didn't know it was his end of life, I just thought it was a upset tummy.

By Wens, I knew it was end of life, so I spent as much time with him as I could.

But Max knew he was dying. there is no doubt in my mind.

And when I took him to the vet, he didn't know what we were going to do..but he knew he was dying and he knew he was suffering.

even though I had no choice, there's just no way I could let him suffer like that,  I still felt like I betrayed him, and I killed my dog.  He trusted me to take care of him...

I was glad I got to spend time with him before he passed. And i know he enjoyed spending time with me, being as that's all he wanted to do, even at the last minute.
Kara
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PeteyLover

Well put me on the list, as I feel the same way. My little Petey was lost on May 13th and I'm not dealing very well even now. I feel the exact same way you guys do, but if I dwell on that part, I would go nuts. I'm having a hard enough time just missing him and not having him with me. I just want 5 minutes with him to tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am.

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Ginad
I know how you both feel, I had to put my little Honey girl down after nearly 17 years together, her little body just shut down exactly like your Beans did.  I also remember 17 years ago when I had to put my beautiful cat Midnight down after nearly 19 years together, it tore me apart and I swore I would never ever go through it again but then I got my pup Honey and we went through everything together.  I cried so hard for three days straight and didn't want to get out of bed but I had to for my boys Monte my dog and George my cat. I thank god that my family went back to the vets to finalise everything for me.  I sleep with her lead and harness under my pillow and now only cry sometimes. Now I look at her photos and smile at all the good times we shared and in knowing that her little body is now young and pain free. It comforts me to know that one day we will be reunited with our beloved pets.  I actually felt Honey on my bed last night.  My wish to you both is that when you think of Beans it will bring you smiles and only one tear of joy. 
Gina
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