Sil
I found this forum about twelve days ago,  and it has helped deal with my latest loss.  For some reason, losing Sol,  my eleven year old, male dog has "re-opened" the door to express and acknowledge my previous losses. 

I was not blessed with children, but I was blessed with dogs.  My fur babies have been the center of my life.  All of them have provided me with unconditional love.  They made my soul "sing", they touched a part of my heart, that I did not know I had.  Their love is so pure, deep, their eyes are so eager, full of trust and innocence.

My journey started with Pelusa (female mix about 60 pounds) my crazy dog, full of mischief and so eager to play and play.  Pelusa got out trough an open gate.  We put posters, flyers etc. but nothing.

Fito (male lab mix about 75 pounds) my loyal, obedient, my soul protector dog.  He was about two, when a co-worker gifted me a puppy. We named her Osita  (little teddy bear, she was only 20 pounds).  Osita had a "temper", she was only about 20 pounds, but, she would not let anyone enter, unless they would play fetch with her.  So, now we had two.  And, life was good.  Then Fito, got very sick, our vet helped and he was gone (he was nine years old). After, Fito passed, the pain was so intense, that I said "never again, I would never put myself through this pain."

But Osita stopped eating, she missed Fito.  The vet said "she is in mourning, if you decide to help her, get a male puppy.  The new puppy with his energy would distract her".  So, Max came into our lives....and yes, he was a "distraction" a "big, big distraction".  Max, a male lab mix puppy grew up to 80 pounds. Max was my "happy-go-lucky dog".  A social butterfly, friendly except when I needed protection, then he would turn into a "lion".  Max saved me more than once. 

 Seeing them playing, chasing one another, really, eased my pain.  But, life keeps going, and time does not stop.  Osita was ten, when she passed during her sleep.  The awful, bitter pain again.  Max was alone and heartbroken and not eating (you know, where this is going, right?).  We took Max to the vet and she said "Max have known Osita all of his life, he is still looking for her, he has his humans but he needs a fur companion".  For my fur babies, I put my pain aside, I would do anything to make their lives better.

So, here comes, Leo, male lab mix, recued at four weeks.  Leo, was truly a baby. At four weeks, he really needed a "mommy".  So, Leo taught me to fully open my heart.  Leo showed me how to trust and truly love our fur babies.  No, other fur baby had needed this much.  Leo thrived and grew, and grew up to 75 pounds.  But, life is full of surprises and when I least expected, a puppy showed up at my neighbors' door.  They took him inside their house and discovered that he had cuts around his neck, malnourished and cried, when they tried to pick him up.  So, they asked for my help.  And, since I had two big dogs, why not adopt him.  I said yes, and husband said NO, because "Leo is too aggressive and would get jealous", so I said, "this is not my dog, this is my mother's dog and I'm just helping her".  I named this puppy, Sol.  Sol, was a lab mix and a very cute puppy.  I really worked hard to earn his trust.  Many hours were spent on my mother's kitchen floor, not really touching him just demonstrating him, that I meant no harm. And, little, by little, a bond was born. Sol became my joy.  For some reason, since day one, I "felt" like, Sol was mine and with time,  I became his human. Sol did not really care, that there was another human at the house, he only saw me.  Our bond was like no other.  Sol really helped me when Max - at ten years old - and later my sweet Leo, at nine years old, said good bye.

Sol became my "light". Sol would follow me everywhere, and confront anyone to defend me.  Sol always "sensed" when I was having an anxiety/panic attack.  Many nights, Sol would stayed by my side all through the night.  My recovery place in the house has been the upstairs bathroom floor.  Sol "knew" the routine, a small camping mattress rolled on the floor,  wet cold towels for my face, a fan, and my medicine.  Sol would make this "special" sound, not a bark, like moaning - almost, saying "hurry, hurry" and laid by my head.  
 
It has been eleven months, exactly, since my Sol said good bye, and I have not been able to forgive myself.....I should have "helped" Sol crossed over to Rainbow Bridge....I knew that end was near, I knew how this would end....but, I was not ready, he was. 
 
Sol wanted to be outside, so I placed him outside on one of his blankets.  It was dark, and the sky was full of stars.  I stayed with him, petting him, talking to him, telling him how much I love him (still do), and thanking him for all those wonderful years...but, Sol was in pain.  Because, I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks, I went inside the house to take my medicine....-.when I went back outside,  Sol was gone.  Yes, time has made the pain less sharp..
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Tankie12
You ended with ‘Yes, time has made the pain less sharp’ I can still fell it cutting you through your beautiful yet heartbreaking words, for that, my heart goes out to you. They bring such wonderful joy into our lives. The colors truly dim as they pass, life just becomes less fulfilling. I’m kind of going through that back log of emotions I’ve never allowed myself to “feel” till now also. I had that special dog who made all the past losses bearable, till now. So I’ll “backstep” with you, if you don’t mind the company. And as with you, it’s been this forum that made me acknowledge them, and the loss of my lifeline, Tankie. As if losing her wasn’t hard enough. The past has a way of catching up with us, one way or another. Wishing comfort, and healing for us both, take care of you
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Chinadoll
Your words touched me, your story of all the fur angels that crossed paths with you brought tears. You have my deepest prayers for peace and comfort, you gave so many a wonderful home, bless you. Sol became your 'heart dog', such a wonderful experience and relationship that is difficult to put into words. I believe they are all in a wonderful place, where we will one day see them 'all'. Take care.
Charlie
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Sil
Tankie12,

You felt my pain.  I have been writing, "with time the pain becomes less sharp"......because, at the beginning, I was on "autopilot", I felt like an empty shell.  I second guessed myself about the What if? over and over.  The guilt "followed" me everywhere......".   That's the part the haunts me, the What if's??.   Thank you for your words.

Chinadoll,
Fur babies have "way" to reach and claim our hearts.  I am defenseless when a puppy is put in my arms, or when an animal is in distress and in need of help.  I feel blessed that I was able to loved each one of them, because in return I received a love without boundaries.  Because, their love has no boundaries.  Thank you for your words
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JennyTeddy
Sil,

Reading your story made me smile and my heart ache. I’m deeply sorry for the losses of each and everyone of your babies. I know grief makes us feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong and your baby, all your babies know you did your very very best wih each of them. We have to remember, as I was told that dogs handel illness a lot better than us. They also don’t know the “technology” out there meaning euthanasia (crossing over). They only know how to go through life and they do it better than any of us humans do. And I think that’s why they teach us so much because they do everything better, going through life, illness, pain, and even love unconditionally love, living in the moment, appreciating the little things. Just remember and be gentle with yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong, you did what you felt was best for your babies, even Sol. Sending you warm hugs during this painful time. My heart aches for he pain you’re feeling. Hugs 💕💕💕
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

  
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JennyTeddy
Sil,

I know you loved this quote when I posted it on my thread a few days ago. I wanted to leave it here for you on your thread so you can always look at it when in need of comfort. 💛

“You are a spiritual being. You are energy and energy cannot be destroyed. It just changes form. Therefore the pure essence of you has already been and always will be. Everything that has existed will always exist, it’s moving into form, through form and out of form. So if you think we are just this body. Think again. You’re a spiritually being, you are eternal energy. 99% of who you are is invisible and untouchable.”
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

  
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