Well I am having another sleepless night. It is after 4am and I am still awake. I took the prescription and I feel more relaxed but I am not asleep. I slept with Bear snuggled up to me for nearly fourteen years. I miss my boy by my side more than I can ever convey in words. Funny isn't it? I use words to write and to paint pictures with imagery in my poetry, and yet these emotions go so deep that there are no words for them. In all of the world's languages there is not a single word to describe a mother who has lost her child. If your parents die you are an orphan. If you lose a spouse you are widowed. If you lose your child the pain is so intense and cuts so deeply that there is not a word in any language for being the mother of a dead child. And here I am. Only two weeks after my Bear's funeral unable to breathe or to sleep. Yet I am ALWAYS exhausted and my brain is drained of everything. I forget names and words and where I have put anything - all of these are signs of grief. Each new grief one suffers brings up all of the past grief that person has suffered.
I think using the words "suffering from grief" is perfect for suffering is what we are all doing. And we must suffer through it. It is like giving birth - the pain that turns you into who you will be on the other side when the pain is diminished, because it will never be completely gone. Well tonight I am definitely "suffering."
No one tells you if your mother dies that you can always get another one. Yet people tell you that you can always have more children or get another pet. They have absolutely no idea what the word "suffering" truly means. We all know what the true meaning of that word is. Thankfully, we all have each other.
And I thank you all.