heartsick
My baby was my soul-puppy. I told him every night from the time he was born that I was so lucky that he let me be his mom. I love him more than my life. I haven't slept since Thursday and it is Saturday. I can't eat either. He was ALWAYS right next to me on my left side. No matter what we were doing - if I was writing, or on the computer, or sleeping (he slept in the crook of my legs while I slept on my right side), or eating, or walking - in the car he had his own hammock car seat but I had to put my left hand in the back between the driver's door and the back seat so he could hold my hand in the car. For nearly fourteen years he and I were all each other had in the world and now here I am alone unable to stop crying. I can't function. I can't think. I found my keys in the refrigerator the other day. I am divorced, but when I was married I buried my son. This is the same awful grief as burying any child. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I have now buried my son and my furry son and it is the same. I used the same graveside service that I used for my son also. I don't know how to live without him after fourteen years of planning EVERYTHING with him or for him. I only did things he could do - I only ate foods I could share with him as treats for him. When I couldn't find a sweater to fit him I made him one. I would have given my life for him. I feel like I am in quicksand. I truly do not know how to live without him. Right from the beginning, at 8 weeks old, he saved me. He saved my life over and over again. I would not be here without him. When he needed emergency care at 4 years old for a blood clot on his spine the hospital called and said he wouldn't eat. So I brought him a t-shirt I slept in and I made him his food the way he liked it and I brought it down to him at 10 at night. I was not permitted to see him because they need to keep him still since it was a spinal injury, but they said that he knew I was there as soon as I walked into the building - before they even gave him the food he was trying to stand and wag his tail. He ate the food I brought right out of the doctor's hands. I went every other day for the rest of his stay and brought him a clean t-shirt I had slept in and more food the way he liked it. That was ten years ago. There is absolutely nothing I would not have done for him. He knew my every mood and my every routine. We shared everything and now I am completely alone. I don't know how to do this after fourteen years without the love of my life. I am physically sick. I have trouble keeping food down because I am crying so hard. It is after 12 noon and I have not slept at all since Thursday when I only dozed for a couple of hours from exhaustion during which I had horrific violent nightmares. I miss my beautiful boy - my Black Velvet Prince as I called my Bear. I ache with a pitiful mixture of pain and love. I am supposed to be writing a book but I don't care just now. I don't care about anything. The first week I was in shock and busy planning his funeral - picking out a grave and casket and such. Now I am working on his headstone but it is pretty well finished and I am at a loss as to how to live without him. As long as I am doing things for him it helps. Without those things to do I cry - sobs that rack my entire body and drench my face and blankets with animalistic sounds emitting from me. I can barely stop long enough to gasp for breath. I am grateful to have found this site where I know you do not think I am crazy. Sometimes sitting here on my bed I still think he is right here next to me. I just hurt like a truck hit me and I have to remind myself to breathe. I have over 5,000 photos of him; several are framed and in every room in the house. When I look at him I feel like he is just in the next room, or in the hospital and they will call me today and tell me to come pick him up; then I remember and the pain hits like a new wave hitting the beach and knocking me over and it all starts over again from the beginning. I am just a mess of tears and sleep deprivation. I don't even know how to get through the days or nights. Thankfully writing here is helping me to pass the time and express all the pent up feelings I have.
I thank you all for listening and for caring, especially because you are also in pain yourselves.
Thank you.
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Johara

the expression of your grief is so tangible and heartbreaking, it brings up alot of feelings i have been trying to suppress in the last 7 weeks after losing my boy of 17 years. i wish i could offer some comfort but im at a loss myself. initially decorating his grave and making albums with my boy's pictures and other things to remember him by did give some comfort. but i find that too painful now and have resorted to just ignoring how i feel. You should really get the not eating and sleeping issue dealt with as that definitely isn't good for your physical or mental well being. hope time helps in healing some of the hurt

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heartsick
Johara,
I am so sorry for your loss. I told someone who told me to just not think about him - that first of all that was impossible- I just have to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore. I know you are hurting as I am hurting. Feel free to keep writing your feelings to me. Not dealing with them and keeping them bottled up inside will make you sick. They will find you. You must deal with the pain and the grief to come out the other side. There is no way around it or over it or under it- the only way is straight through it. I will be here for you whenever you need me. You are not in this alone. That in itself made me feel better. We all understand here how you feel and we know you are entitled to your feelings. No one here will try to invalidate how you feel. Thank you for your concern about me. I am trying my best to get the sleeping under control - it has not worked as of yet but it has not been that much time either. I don't really care if I eat that much I just don't want to dehydrate so I am sipping decaf green tea all day long from a 16 ounce travel mug. Remember that I will be here for you as you care for me. Thank you.


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judylinn
Heartsick, I am so very sorry about your beatiful boy....both of them. your relationship with Bear. reminds me so much of my relationship with Maddie, and I was in the same raw raw pain as you are in. The grief as you describe it, is how it was for me, sobbing and screaming out the heartache. For me, it also triggered some very deep loss and other pain that was still not dealt with, as I'm sure for you and your son.
I so agree with you, the way to healing is to let yourself feel the depth of the grief no matter how long it takes.
I talked to my counselor today, and I said it has been 9 months of grief, and she said it doesn't matter how long, if the grief is there, then there is pain to come out.
I am so sorry for your loss. Bear is sweet and beautiful.
I came here and still come everyday, and writing here, is what helped me sometimes even get through the seconds. the live chat.(not chat at the bottom)  helped me sooooo much when I just needed the heart of another human being, when I didn't think I could go on one minute longer. They are very kind here, and the help is in real time with people right there.
my thoughts and prayers and love are sent your way. I will keep you in my prayers. Judy
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Johara

Heartsick, thank you for caring even though your grief is still so fresh. hope today is a bit better for u. it really helps to share favourite memories and pictures of our sweet angels here, so when you feel ready do share some with us.

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heartsick

My baby Bear is my sweet little soul. I miss him so much. I cannot believe he is gone. I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye. I am being absolutely unproductive in any area of my life. I am just a big gigantic mess of nothingness right now. I am having trouble just doing basic things like laundry and grocery shopping. I can't seem to care about much at all. I cry and sob one minute and then I think I should just smack myself and start rebuilding my life and then the next second I am crying and sobbing with the unchecked tears running down my face and dropping onto my blankets. I forgot this roller coaster that is grief and I know I can't get off but I don't want to be here anymore. I know it has only been 3 weeks but I feel so physically sick I just don't want to feel at all - sometimes that is easier though in the end it just prolongs the healing that comes with the grief - so I know I have to let myself feel and I am right back where I started with the whole grieving process - Crying and sobbing and feeling sick to my stomach and miserable.

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heartsick

I woke up today back at the beginning - like it all just happened today - not that 3 weeks is a long time ago but I even lowered the volume on the TV so as not to wake the baby and then it hit me all over again. I know it will be a roller coaster for the first year to eighteen months but the knowing does not prevent the surprise of the feeling that he is still here and the discovering all anew that Bear is gone and is NOT coming back to me, at least not now. Maybe one day in the future I will trip across a tiny black puppy and when I look in his eyes Bear will be looking back at me and I will know to take him home - who knows - but I know that is nowhere in my near future if at all. I know I have to go through this I just don't want to. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I am tired of not sleeping or eating and being so tired. I am going to get myself out of the house and pick up a prescription for myself so maybe I will begin to sleep with no nightmares. I hope so anyway. This physical ache for my baby Bear is the crux of what is killing me. I know I have to feel it and get through it. I just don't want to feel it.

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donnalee

Heartsick,
It's so sad to know you are in so much pain.  I hope you were able to get out today and buy what you need.  I'm praying for you to get some good sleep tonight and for your heart to feel a little bit of comfort.

Johara, I'm so sorry for your loss as well.  Seven weeks is just not very long in this process.  The loss is so huge and it takes so long, but eventually, the intensity of the pain will lessen.  Take your time and we'll be here for you.


Judy, Thank you so much for taking the time to share a bit of your experience.  It should give hope to others. 

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heartsick
Thank you Donnalee and everyone on this site for your kindness and caring.

I did cry while driving down the road today. The tears just come unbidden.

I did force myself to get out today. It took me until 3:15 this afternoon but I did get out. I went to the doctor's office and picked up a prescription; I went and got it filled; I went and bought the puppies their food; and then I went to the grocery store and bought the bunnies their food and I bought myself fresh fish. I figured that would be something light to begin with since I really have not eaten in a couple of days. I came home, pulled into the driveway, and just put my head back on the seat for a minute to steel myself before going into the house with no Bear there - I woke up over an hour later. I had not even turned off the car. It was a good thing I was outside. It took me several trips to empty the car and I just didn't have it in me so I only brought in enough water for tonight. I came in the house and fed the bunnies and then the puppies, and I had some dinner at around 12:00am. I guess better late than never.
I am going to take my prescription in about a half an hour and then I hope I sleep all night long. Bear was on a supplement that had to be given on an empty stomach - so for the last ten years I have been waking up between 4 and 5:30 to give him the supplement on an empty stomach and then we both went back to sleep. I still automatically wake up around 5am. and then it all hits me again because there is no one to give a pill to by my side. At least I do not have to leave the house for a few days now if I can't or don't want to.
It is supposed to rain here for the next five days I think. It has already been raining for a week and many roads are flooded.
I am mentally drained from going all those places today because you have to put on your pretend face when you go out. It is exhausting on top of me already being exhausted.
Grief is exhausting all on its own. I am having a horribly difficult time today. But then again- that is the nature of grief - a roller coaster. I haven't bought so many boxes of tissues ever in my life.
Once again - thank you all for your genuine caring, kindness, and understanding. May we all, in time and eventually, feel less pain and more joy when remembering our babies.
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heartsick

Well I am having another sleepless night. It is after 4am and I am still awake. I took the prescription and I feel more relaxed but I am not asleep. I slept with Bear snuggled up to me for nearly fourteen years. I miss my boy by my side more than I can ever convey in words. Funny isn't it? I use words to write and to paint pictures with imagery in my poetry, and yet these emotions go so deep that there are no words for them. In all of the world's languages there is not a single word to describe a mother who has lost her child. If your parents die you are an orphan. If you lose a spouse you are widowed. If you lose your child the pain is so intense and cuts so deeply that there is not a word in any language for being the mother of a dead child. And here I am. Only two weeks after my Bear's funeral unable to breathe or to sleep. Yet I am ALWAYS exhausted and my brain is drained of everything. I forget names and words and where I have put anything - all of these are signs of grief. Each new grief one suffers brings up all of the past grief that person has suffered.

I think using the words "suffering from grief" is perfect for suffering is what we are all doing. And we must suffer through it. It is like giving birth - the pain that turns you into who you will be on the other side when the pain is diminished, because it will never be completely gone. Well tonight I am definitely "suffering."

No one tells you if your mother dies that you can always get another one. Yet people tell you that you can always have more children or get another pet. They have absolutely no idea what the word "suffering" truly means. We all know what the true meaning of that word is. Thankfully, we all have each other.

And I thank you all.


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Spookysmon
My heart breaks for you as I read your posts.  It is unimaginable losing a child and now this.  I lost my Dad not too long ago and with Spooky's death, it brings it all back.  Suffering is a good word for it and not too many people understand it, unless you actually go through it.  For 17 years, Spooky slept next to me or between my husband and I, so I know how hard it is to adjust. I too, have had trouble sleeping and have been on something to get me through the night.  Unfortunately, it is something both of us and all of us have to get used to.  It is just another step in the grieving process. 

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I pray that you take some solace in knowing that your Bear is whole again and in a better place. 

Please take care,

Kitty
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heartsick
Thank you for your kindness. I am sorry for the loss of your dad as well as your baby. I know you understand what I said about "suffering". We all do on this site. We have a different perspective of the world and all of us have our priorities in the right place. We have known amazing bottomless love and now we are without it. Some days I feel as though my heart has been ripped out through my eye sockets it hurts so badly. Those are the crying days. Then there are the days filled with love because my precious baby let me be his mom and every single second of his life I cherish. I understand how it is to lose the comforting presence who helped you go to sleep as you helped him. You are right when you say that you can't understand unless you have gone through it. So many people say, "I know how you feel." No they don't and they couldn't possibly, and I would not wish this pain on anyone.
Thank you for your prayers and understanding.
We are all together in this and we, here on this site, do understand each other's pain, grief. loss, and sense of helplessness.
Thank you for caring about me.
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heartsick
Another night spent not sleeping. I am tired of hearing the birds and seeing the sun rise. I was always a late sleeper - so was Bear. If I had to get up and go somewhere early Bear would open one eye and look at me like I was nuts and go back to sleep. I miss the way he would turn his head upside down and look at me from the top of his head. He had the most amazing expressions and he always conveyed his meaning perfectly. I miss being silly with him. When I was up late writing and I would hit writer's block we would just get silly and play. One of my favorite photos of us is from around 3 am when we were both wearing "Indiana Jones" type hats. I am putting two photos on his headstone and that will be one of them. The other will be of Bear alone.  I miss playing with him. If a great old musical was on TV I would put it on and we would dance and sing up and down the hallway. Sometimes when we were in bed and watching a musical I would sing the songs to him and clap my hands and he would put up one of his hands so I could sort of clap, high five, style with him. I have a photo from the day before he died of Bear on the bed laughing at me. We used to be silly and play a lot! I just miss everything about him so very much. I don't like sleeping without him. I just don't like the way I feel. I feel sick to my stomach 90% of the time. I am completely exhausted ALL of the time and I still cannot sleep. I doze while sitting up in front of the computer.
I am so grateful to all of you because without all of you I would be completely alone.
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heartsick

Thursday was a tough day for me because I received a Shadow Box of Bear's handprint from the cemetery. I had completely forgotten about it even though I was right there and kissing his precious little head when they took the handprint. It is framed and made beautifully. I sat on the floor hugging it and crying my heart out. To think that my memories and photos and this are all that is left of my special beautiful boy who was my entire life and soul rips me to shreds. I love him so very very much. He will always be my son and my everything. I know that grief is two steps forwards and five steps back. Well today was a way back day. I know it has only been three weeks since his funeral and grief can sneak up on you and find you anywhere and anytime. Well today it punched me in the jaw and knocked me out. I am so grateful for this site where I can write all of this and none of you think I am crazy.

Thank you all.

 

 

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donnalee
Yes, those kinds of things really touch our hearts and the emotions come flooding out.  Sorry it was such a tough day but you are so right about the 2 steps forward and 5 steps back....that is certainly the way it goes. 
Nope, none of us think you are crazy.  If you are crazy, then we are all crazy right here with you!   (But, I know that's not the case.) 
Hope tomorrow is a better day. 
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