I’m sorry this is so long but I really need all of your help. My dog passed away on 20th June.

He was my whole life. We did everything together, he came in the car where ever I went, slept in my bed every night, I work from home so was with him 24/7.

I found my baby in November 2013. He was injured on the side of the road. I pulled over, got out and sat near him he came over and sat straight in my lap and I knew right away it was meant to be. Since his wounds were stitched up the next day he has been perfectly healthy.

In September 2017 we woke up one morning and he had a golf ball sized lump on the back of his leg. I took him to the vet straight away. He had surgery to have it removed the next day. When the results came back they said it was only a granuloma and no sign of anything dangerous. He had blood tests, a urine test and X-rays to make sure nothing was wrong and they all came back clear.

On February 26 I went overseas. I had been putting it off for as long as I could and definitely waiting until I knew he was definitely ok which they assured me he was, and as he’s only 5 we still had a very long time left together. He stayed with my parents during this time who he loves and spoil him.

My mum called me at the end of April and told me he had gotten another lump overnight in the same place, and his leg had also swollen a lot this time and he got a fever. They took him straight to the vet, and they again removed the lump and put him on antibiotics to be sure. They sent it off and did all the tests again and it came back the same, as an idiopathic granuloma, meaning there was no known cause for it, as there was nothing wrong with his tests at all. I came straight home because I couldn’t stand being away from him another day. I got back and he was still having fevers.

On May 1st, we found another lump. This time it was next to his groin. I took him to the vet and they removed it. It was attached to his femoral artery and it was a long surgery to get it out safely. They missed a small section that was behind the artery and was too dangerous to remove. They sent it away and it came back as again not showing any cancerous signs, but there was an unusual number of histiocytes but nothing very concerning.

On June 12th I noticed he was having trouble going to the toilet #2 and there was blood in his urine. I took him straight to the vet and they said there was a mass in his colon. They said it was beyond them now and he had to see a specialist, so we went that day to an internal specialist vet who is 2 hours away.

She took ultrasounds, blood samples & biopsy’s. She said it could be benign histiocytic masses, which is treatable, or histiocytic sarcoma, a rare incurable cancer. The only place that is able to determine which it is is in Michigan, US, and I live in Aus. The tests were going to take 3 weeks to come back. We sent them away but She suggested that we treat him for the curable disease now because it was spreading quickly. He started on the Prednisolone June 13. The vet said to call the office if I had any worries at all over the weekend and they could call her mobile for me.

Thursday June 14 he seemed really good, he was up and about and ate 3 meals plus some snacks that day.

Friday June 15th he seemed not great, he was really down, not eating or drinking and had a fever. I called the specialist and was told she was not working until Monday. I told them she said to call her and they said all they could do was email her and hope she checks it.

Saturday 16th he still wasn’t eating or drinking and was worse. His bones were suddenly starting to stick out and he was sleeping constantly. I called the emergency vet and they said to try feeding him baby food and water in a syringe till the vet was back on Monday. I fed him the baby food they told me to, I say up syringing water into his mouth at hourly intervals. He seemed to pick up a little Saturday evening and was rolling on his back which is his happy pose.

Sunday 17th. He was bad. He was sleeping constantly, when he got up in the day a few times he looked really confused like he didn’t know where he was. He still was not eating or drinking. The emergency vet again told me to keep giving him the baby food and water as that’s all that could be done until tomorrow so I did. One of his eyes had the third eyelid showing when he opened it. That night he vomited twice, both having a very small amount of blood in them.

Monday 18th we went straight into the specialist office and they put him straight onto an IV and did an ultrasound. They found that he had grown 2 new masses in the past few days, and this time they had entered his organs, his spleen and liver.

they wanted to keep him that night as he really needed the iv and to be monitored. She also did a biopsy on the two new masses and this time they came back as definitely Histiocytic Sarcoma. She said he needed chemo and had 3-6 months. He started chemo Monday night while he was still on the IV and being monitored.

I went in on Tuesday and spent the day with him and they said he needed to stay again because even though his vitals were all really good and stable, he was still just asleep constantly and was unresponsive. He didn’t open his eyes the whole time I was there he just slept, breathing very heavily and had some blood coming out of his nose and mouth. They said that was because of his liver problems.

I asked what was going to happen from here and she said we would see in 48 hours either he would wake up and become responsive or he would give up His fight. As I was leaving I told him (my doggy) I would be back at 10am the next day.

We had some delays the next morning and didn’t get to leave until 9.30, meaning we would arrive at 11.30.

At 10 am , as I was driving to see him, the vet called and told me he just now had passed away.

I continued the drive and when I got there at 11.30 they let me sit in a room with him all day.

I told him I would be there at 10, and if I had of been then I would have been there to hold him and comfort him during his passing. She told me there was 5 people around him comforting him at the time, and also that he was on methadone so he wasn’t in any pain.

I can’t stop thinking that he knew it was 10 and that I wasn’t there. I have so many questions..Did I do the wrong thing by leaving him there or Should I have bought him home on Tuesday to be at peace in bed? Was he scared? Why did this happen so quickly when just a week ago they thought it was just a benign mass that showed no cancer signs at all?! Is it my fault for not demanding that they call the vet on Friday?

she told me it was a 50/50 chance he would pull through, but that if I took him home he would definitely pass away due to the fact that he needed the IV and liver medicine. To me there was no choice, I could never ever give up on my baby and I really thought he would pull through as he’s such a fighter. But now I can not stop the awful feeling that he should of been at home, comfortable in bed where he was safe and loved.

I have had a lot of animals over the years come and go, but I have never felt a loss like this. B was totally different, he was my soul mate, I truely believe that. He was the best dog ever he loved every single animal he met and every single person he met and he had never ever barked.

I can not live my life without him.
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Melkite, I think you did everything you could, and you based your decisions on what you thought was best at the time. I lost my dog to cancer last night. Your description of B sounds like the way I feel about my dog. I am devastated and can,t stop crying so I know how you feel. My dog H, was always super healthy but with no warning she was diagnosed with cancer in her mouth in April just after her 9 th birthday. She had radiation treatments which should have bought her months of life. But the cancer was so vicious and aggressive that it came back in two weeks. I had to make the horrible decision to end her life so she wouldn't suffer anymore. She died in my arms last night at home. The vet came to our house. It feels like my heart has been ripped out.
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Melk, Zinnia as well, I’m terribly sorry for your losses. They are our soulmates and it’s a drastic painful grief you’re going through. No one can give us the selfless unconditional love our babies do. Cancer is a horrible enemy of many, and as with yours it can move extremely fast through their bodies. You both did what Many would not have, you gave them a fighting chance with treatment. Melk the liver issues were also a large factor and he needed the IV fluids, taking him home could have led to seizures at home, you wouldn’t want that. I truly don’t think he was aware of you not being there at 10:00 You did your best. Zinnia, mouth cancer is bad, but you also gave your baby every possible chance. Neither of you should feel any guilt but it seems to push its way into an already painful journey you’re on. Keep coming back and sharing it helps. No one here hasn’t experienced the emotions your feeling right now, we all get it, take care,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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