itspaulas
Living hell doesn't say enough.  My little Malachie would have been 13 on May 23rd, but I had to let him go today.  I finally decided last Thursday and when I called the vet, they had an appt at 10 today.  All weekend, trying to spend every second I could with him and yet counting down the time in my head and praying a miracle would make this nightmare go away.  No miracle, and at 10:42 this morning my baby was gone.  I took today off work, but I don't know how I am supposed to function tomorrow, or the day after or the day after that! 

 I have always had animals in my home, but (thank God) I have never till today had to have one put down.  Short of losing my father to suicide I have never experienced anything so horrible.  His loving, trusting eyes looking at me as he slipped away will haunt me forever.

How do you ever come to terms with this???
Malachies Page:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MALAC001/Resident.htm
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Susie_Squillions
Dear itspaulas,

I am so very sorry to hear that your time with Malachie came to an end today.  It's such a sad time for you now.No matter how prepared we think we are, there is no way of preparing for that last look.   Bless you for putting Malachie's needs ahead of your own when he needed you to help him.  You assisted him on his final journey, knowing that your own suffering would begin.

You mention that there was no miracle in the end, but there is one miracle that never ends, and that is the love you and Malachie share for eternity.  Nothing, not even death, can break the bond you have with him.  As time passes, you will come to realize that the bond continues to grow even now. 

How do you function?  One day, one hour, one minute at a time.  And please come back here.  It helps so much to know that you have a place to go where everyone understands your sorrow, and where no one will tell you to "get over it," to "get a new one," or any of those other things that so many people say when they think they are being helpful.  We all understand.  I look forward to getting to know Malachie through your stories, so lovingly told, and I hope to see pictures soon.

You and Angel Malachie are in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sending you virtual hugs of comfort and understanding. 


My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley

T.J.'S RESIDENCY:
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm

BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY:
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM

KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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reovi
I know EXACTLY how you feel.  I put my big boy down yesterday and it was the most horrible thing I have ever lived through, bar none.  I don't know how to get through it, because the loop keeps playing in my head, too.  I'm sorry I don't have any advice, I just wish you the best and hope we all come out of this.
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shmoobear
itspaulas, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Malachie. It's hard to find words for a loss this big, isn't it? I lost my 11 year old Husky, Dakota, suddenly 3 weeks ago. We also had to assist him on his journey.

For Malachie, I believe the miracle that you were waiting for did happen. It was time for him to go, and you did the most loving this you could for him....you let him go. It's so hard for us to find comfort in that....because we are left behind, with this HUGE gaping hole where our loved ones once were.

Dakota's passing was very, very peaceful.....but I still wonder how I answered the Dr. when she asked me "are you ready?". How on Earth did I answer that question? I guess at the time I knew what needed to be done.....I knew that my mission in life was to keep Dakota safe and happy and comfortable. I always knew that I would do anything to have Dakota come to no harm. So we don't want to do these things....but we have to. They depend on us to help them and make the hard decisions. The wondeful Vet who we went to actually said to me "I'm proud of you for this. You put his well being above your own, and that is the hardest thing any pet owner can do".

Susie said it best....you function at a minute at a time, if you have to. That first week was a blur....I wasn't thinking rationally....odd thoughts would come into my head (like if I did well at the grieving thing, I could bring him back). They were fleeting, but they were there. I think they were probably part of the "bargaining" phase of grief. You need to not fight the tears, the grief, the odd thoughts. They are all part of it. Now, 3 weeks later....most of that has been replaced for me by an overwhelming sense of sadness that Dakota is not here. I've come to terms with his illness....with his passing....that we did what needed to be done. But in the end, I just miss my friend so much and want him back with me.

So don't think ahead....just deal with how you will get from point a to point b. Find comfort in the things that give you it....and don't be surprised if what gives you comfort one day does not work the next. It's a process.....we are also on a journey and we move within it. I feel for your loss and I wish you much peace today... 
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CT_Cat_Lady
Hi Sweetie,

I know precisely how you feel - I had to put my Baby Leon to sleep last Thursday and I literally thought my heart would break.

I am actually finding that I can keep on functioning, it's hard, but I can do it.

Malachie would't want you to suffer like this, and is absolutely beside you in spirit - I would swear to you I can feel Leon's presence sometimes.

My thoughts are with you and I send you many hugs - you have absolutely come to the right place to help you heal - everyone here is so kind and understanding.

Somebody else posted a poem called 'The Last Battle' which I would urge you to click on and have a read - I found it immensly moving, and comforting.

L x
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JoeysMom
Dear Itspaulas~
I put my sweet baby down on March 9. He had hemangiosarcoma, so I had three months of knowing that the end was near. In the beginning after his intitial surgery he was perky and happy so denial was my best friend, but then the tumor started growing again, doubling in size almost every day. I went from praying that he'd still be with me in the morning to praying that he'd just not wake up one day to spare me the drive to the vet, but one morning I just knew that it was time- I had to stop being selfish. My wonderful vet told me that putting a sick animal to sleep is not something we do TO them, but something we do FOR them. I felt blessed that I could be there to help him cross the bridge, even though the sedative put him to sleep and he was snoring when the second shot was administered.
Even though you are hurting so much please keep reminding yourself that you had almost thirteen years of happiness and that you did your very best for Malachie. I tell myself that even with the pain I'm experiencing now it was worth it to have my precious Joey with me for ten years.
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itspaulas
Thank you to all of you for your wonderful words of kindness.  In my mind I know that I did what I had to for Mal's sake, but my heart says everything is incomplete without him. 

We have 6 cats.  Two of which were Mal's younger brother and sister (by 6-12 months - I took in stray kittens when Mal was still a baby and the 4 of us have been together for the last 12 yrs). Coming home without Mal being in the house just feels EMPTY!  The cats are all here, and I just want to see my dog!  I feel guilty that I feel that way, but it's how I feel.


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Susie_Squillions
Dear Paula,

There is no need to feel guilty at all.  You are missing Malachie, and no one will ever take his place.  In time, you will accept your separation from him, but that's such a new thing, and it takes tie to adjust to it.  You love your kitties!  For now, watch them for little signs that they want to comfort you, or that they need comforting from you.  Giving comfort to them will bring you comfort too.  As the shock wears off, you will begin to turn to each other more and more. 

My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley

T.J.'S RESIDENCY:
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm

BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY:
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM

KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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