Where do I even begin?
I don't even know what to say baby boy. I'm sorry I don't write you anymore. It makes me feel terrible that I don't. Like I've forgotten about you or like you're not as important anymore but please believe me, you are.
I think of you so often. And so often I'm shaking my head, I don't know whether its in disbelief or confusion but its the only thing I can do these days. Re-realizing that you're gone all of the time is harsh. I don't understand how it's still so hard for me to believe.
I miss you so much. It still hurts. It still disorients me. It still feels like a nightmare I'm supposed to wake up from.
I so badly wish I had hundreds of pictures of you and Waylon cuddling. I wish so badly I had video of you 2 doing silly little boy things together. I wish desperately that he'd know you and not just see you through memories and pictures. I show him pictures of you all of the time and it makes me happy but then it makes me heart feel so weak. He would absolutely love you Monk. And you him. How can it be that you 2 were meant to be best friends yet you're gone? I guess it's obvious, that's not what was meant to be. And I hate it. It drives me crazy that this is how it's meant to be. It makes me so angry.
You were the best, Monk. The best ever. You were my little soul mate. You were little but you took up so much of my heart and soul. You were big in so many ways. I miss you. Hopelessly.
Waylon is amazing. He's a little over 4 months now. When I think of how old he is, I usually just can't believe he's been without you for so many months. He is the light in my life that went out the day you left Monk. But it is different.
I really am so thankful for everything I have. I am truly, truly so lucky. It makes me feel like I'm ungrateful for all that I have when I think of how miserable I can feel without you. We have a beautiful home, in a beautiful town, with amazing cats and dogs and jobs with insurance and the most beautiful, healthy baby boy. Yet, sometimes I can't help but feel like it's not as good as it could be if you were here. I feel terrible for feeling that way. But I just want you back. I just want you here. So badly.
Maybe is...Maybe. Part of me loves her but so much of me still has a problem with her, and I feel bad about that. She's just not you Monk, and that's no fault of hers but it seems to matter to me still. Sometimes I'm not that nice to her, I wish I was better to her but it's hard not to compare her to you. And you're just...you. There's no comparison. It's weird, aside from barking too much, she really is wonderful, but somehow, I just can't let my whole heart open up to her. I try to love on her and cuddle when she's sweet but when she's bad, I get so angry and I'm mean to her. And it's awful. She doesn't deserve that. I try to be better some days more than others and then sometimes I just wish you were here instead. I try not to say that, because she's meant to be with us. This is how it's supposed to be. So who knows what would've happened to her if this isn't how things worked out. But it's so hard not to feel that way sometimes. Especially when she makes me mad.
Cooper's having a really hard time with Waylon, Monk. I wonder if he'd be having an easier time if you were here. Maybe just gets pumped and makes it worse for him sometimes. Coop just paces and pants and whines all of the time now. It really sucks. Because then we have to just barricade him in the kitchen and he doesn't get to hang out with us. But he acts super weird and unpredictable around your brother and we just can't take any risks. I wish so badly he'd calm down so he can be with us more. And it can get so annoying and frustrating when he's just relentlessly whimpering and whining or barking and then your dad gets mad at him or I get angry with him. I feel so bad for him, he's such an old man and I really don't want the last of his days to be those of constant stress, anxiety and being yelled at. We've tried medication but it doesn't really seem to be working. I wish you were here to make it better for him. You were one of the few other animals he ever liked.
You were something else, Monk. You were magical. You lit up my world. You made the impossible seem possible. You made happiness a habit. You made everything more beautiful, brighter and better. I couldn't have imagined my life without you let alone having to live it without you so soon.
I hope one day this all makes sense. I hope one day I realize why it had to be this way. I hope one day it doesn't seem in vein.
I hope this pain never goes away. You deserve to be longed for and missed from now until forever and more.
Your soul is always with mine. And I cannot wait for the day we meet again. But for now, I hope you're seeing us from where you sit and feel our love for you and are happy to see Waylon grow.
He'll miss you too Monk. Just like we all do.
Thank you for everything. Thank you for being you. Thank you for the magic.
I loved you. I love you. and I will love you. From now until after I'm gone.