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CKMP

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Posts: 1,127
Reply with quote  #61 
Popcorn's Mom,

I realize there are no words to say that will ease your grief.  There are no words to utter that will explain, rationalize or help lead to an understanding of the decisions made by your ex-husband.  My heart sinks each and every time I read your story and like yourself there is a sense of helplessness and futility to all of this - that perhaps this did not have to be...Popcorn though was loved and doted on by you and your daughter - he knew he was special each and every day he was with you and now will feel the weight of your sorrow and hope desperately you are able to feel his presence and understand he loves you still and always will.  Your guilt can not take over your grief - the guilt and heaviness of the decisions made have to be borne by he who made these...Only that individual will know why and that individual must live the rest of his life looking at himself in the mirror.  You and your daughter did what you believed was right, was the best for Popcorn at that time.  And time now becomes an enemy because we wish so wholeheartedly we could turn it back...Know within yourself you always did what was best - it is often those around us that make the decisions and take the actions that we and others must 'pay' for...There is far too much cruelty, coldness and selfishness within our world for which we as individuals and the animals we share this world with must suffer through.  Within ourselves, we continually wonder 'what if'; 'why didn't I'; 'maybe if' and so on and so on...All questions for which there are no answers just more questions.  Guilt sneaks in to 'morph' our grief and sorrow - a grief and sorrow that is pure because it is the result of the love and bond shared between ourselves and our furred one.  Anger fuels our guilt and guilt seems at times to fuel our anger - anger with ourselves and with others - the vet, your ex-husband...We seemingly lose control over our thoughts, our emotions and even over our minds at times.  We lost control to keep our special fur one with us 'for a little bit longer'; we lost control over their lives and it seems at times as if it is our fault - we are to blame - and "if only" ....Popcorn's Mom - you must believe within your heart and soul you did what you believed to be the right course of action - you had no idea this would turn out this way - and if you had you would have never ever placed Popcorn within that circle of circumstances.  You did what you did because you love Popcorn - and he will forever and always know this.  No malice resides within the bones or heart of a dog - no blame is ever place and no loving bond between dog and human companion is ever lost or broken.  Popcorn needs you still - his 'legacy' is not guilt - but the happiness he brought each and every day to your home...Perhaps when you are able, perhaps you could discuss Popcorn's case with the vet??  It is difficult to imagine a vet would indeed proceed with this process if he/she was sure it was the best course of action for an animal...It is so difficult to know what is right and when it is right...Your self and your daughter were dealt a terrible 'hand' as was your special boy - My heart breaks for you as it is clear the agony you are going through...Know you can always write, share - lean on the forum for support.  The journey of grief is a long one, a twisted journey and a journey fraught with so many ups and downs, steps forwards and backwards - we can often feel our hearts breaking, feel our soul is empty and cry oceans of tears that provides no relief.  No one should do this alone. Too often the critical role the relationship we have with our special animal is downplayed, misunderstood or downright scornfully not understood by others - and thus so is our grief and sorrow. Your loss is compounded by the circumstances and rightly so.  Popcorn's Mom, I am so so sorry for your loss and also for the circumstances surrounding this loss...I wish you even brief moments of calmness and peace in which you feel the 'touch' of Popcorn within your heart - his reminder he still walks with you and his love still surrounds you and your daughter.  Take care - many hugs.
0
CKMP

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Posts: 1,127
Reply with quote  #62 
Popcorn's Mom,

I realize there are no words to say that will ease your grief.  There are no words to utter that will explain, rationalize or help lead to an understanding of the decisions made by your ex-husband.  My heart sinks each and every time I read your story and like yourself there is a sense of helplessness and futility to all of this - that perhaps this did not have to be...Popcorn though was loved and doted on by you and your daughter - he knew he was special each and every day he was with you and now will feel the weight of your sorrow and hope desperately you are able to feel his presence and understand he loves you still and always will.  Your guilt can not take over your grief - the guilt and heaviness of the decisions made have to be borne by he who made these...Only that individual will know why and that individual must live the rest of his life looking at himself in the mirror.  You and your daughter did what you believed was right, was the best for Popcorn at that time.  And time now becomes an enemy because we wish so wholeheartedly we could turn it back...Know within yourself you always did what was best - it is often those around us that make the decisions and take the actions that we and others must 'pay' for...There is far too much cruelty, coldness and selfishness within our world for which we as individuals and the animals we share this world with must suffer through.  Within ourselves, we continually wonder 'what if'; 'why didn't I'; 'maybe if' and so on and so on...All questions for which there are no answers just more questions.  Guilt sneaks in to 'morph' our grief and sorrow - a grief and sorrow that is pure because it is the result of the love and bond shared between ourselves and our furred one.  Anger fuels our guilt and guilt seems at times to fuel our anger - anger with ourselves and with others - the vet, your ex-husband...We seemingly lose control over our thoughts, our emotions and even over our minds at times.  We lost control to keep our special fur one with us 'for a little bit longer'; we lost control over their lives and it seems at times as if it is our fault - we are to blame - and "if only" ....Popcorn's Mom - you must believe within your heart and soul you did what you believed to be the right course of action - you had no idea this would turn out this way - and if you had you would have never ever placed Popcorn within that circle of circumstances.  You did what you did because you love Popcorn - and he will forever and always know this.  No malice resides within the bones or heart of a dog - no blame is ever place and no loving bond between dog and human companion is ever lost or broken.  Popcorn needs you still - his 'legacy' is not guilt - but the happiness he brought each and every day to your home...Perhaps when you are able, perhaps you could discuss Popcorn's case with the vet??  It is difficult to imagine a vet would indeed proceed with this process if he/she was sure it was the best course of action for an animal...It is so difficult to know what is right and when it is right...Your self and your daughter were dealt a terrible 'hand' as was your special boy - My heart breaks for you as it is clear the agony you are going through...Know you can always write, share - lean on the forum for support.  The journey of grief is a long one, a twisted journey and a journey fraught with so many ups and downs, steps forwards and backwards - we can often feel our hearts breaking, feel our soul is empty and cry oceans of tears that provides no relief.  No one should do this alone. Too often the critical role the relationship we have with our special animal is downplayed, misunderstood or downright scornfully not understood by others - and thus so is our grief and sorrow. Your loss is compounded by the circumstances and rightly so.  Popcorn's Mom, I am so so sorry for your loss and also for the circumstances surrounding this loss...I wish you even brief moments of calmness and peace in which you feel the 'touch' of Popcorn within your heart - his reminder he still walks with you and his love still surrounds you and your daughter.  Take care - many hugs.
0
September

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Posts: 200
Reply with quote  #63 
CKMP's beautiful words have said everything anyone could say. There are not many things in our lives we have no control over, but one, unfortunately, is the actions of others. You trusted this person with a duty of care and he failed you and, most cruelly of all, his daughter. And no doubt his snap decision about Popcorn was made purely selfishly to cover these failings. The fact that he has probably now lost his daughter forever is his payback in the short term. Long term, maybe that is for someone else to decide.

To "feel the touch", is a place I go to often. I had to stop talking about Timothy a long time ago because to many others he was 'just a rabbit' and I 'should be over it' now. So it's a little place in my heart and in my head that belongs just to Timothy. We function, because we just have to, and try to go about our hectic lives with some sort of new 'normality'. But for every minute inbetween, we can take ourselves off to that special place. There is no one there but us. We can make it as calming and as peaceful as we wish. We can stay for as long as we like. We can talk, smile, laugh, cry, and we don't have to do it outwardly because no one knows we are there. In return, we may get signs. Before I lost Timothy I would have scoffed at such a thing. But I have had many, too many, to be merely coincidences. Please don't tell me that I sound like the 'crazy bunny lady!!'

The love between you and your daughter and Popcorn is tangible, so he is with you. If you can go to your own special place, and recognise the signs he sends you, it might help a little bit. And we all need to grab at anything that will bring us the tiniest bit of comfort.

Popcorn's mum, telling this story must have been one of the hardest things you have done. But you did it. It maybe one of your baby steps towards making peace with yourself. So continue to write whatever you need to.

Take care
Lynda
X







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"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal"      C.S. Lewis
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William

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Posts: 299
Reply with quote  #64 
Journaling is so important and I'm glad that you are using the forum to journal and get feedback. It helps with the healing process.

A couple things I've learned from this post. first and foremost is be very mindful of who you leave your beloved pets with. It can happen with people we know and in Kennels. So many stories of pets dieing in the hands of others. It's so sad.

It does sound like Popcorn had a few things going on before you left. In hindesight we can always wish we did things differently. But that's how life works and thats what gets our brains all messed up. Guilt sadness anger pain.... all get tangled up when we are upset and grieving. We can't turn back time unfortunately.

I'm still shocked at the vet choice. As someone else pointed out a vets job is to help us make the best decisions we can at the time. You mentioned an infection. Mayb it wasn't something that a couple of antibiotics could " fix" it could have gone systemic at that point.

Another response was for you to take some steps in your healing. I agree writing was a big step for you and you conquered that. Hopefully you can continue moving forward.

There is also the awareness you are bringing to people regarding primary ownership established at the vets office. Probably a discussion everyone should have with their vet. Also when you leave a pet in someone else's hands ,and especially if you have a pet that has issues going on, call the vet before you leave. Make it known where you can be reached for a problem. Many vets may not be used to this but let's start the ball rolling to advocate for our pets just as we would our children.

I hope you will move towards a more therapeutic spot in your grieving process. It is an emotional rollercoaster and we all know this because we are all here to grieve the loss of a very special part of our lives.
🐾🐾❤️🌈

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Kim
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LuckyLouWho23

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Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #65 
For anyone who has read my recent post I want you to understand that if I had any idea that Popcorn would have ended up dead I never never ever would have left him. That’s why I wrote this, to inform everyone never to make the same mistakes that I did. That’s why I’m asking for you to share this.

http://petlife.media/pets-we-loved-and-lost?_ga=2.246278210.756833420.1511110228-505061012.1506878403
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LuckyLouWho23

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Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #66 
Thank you C for your message of support for both of us.
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CKMP

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Posts: 1,127
Reply with quote  #67 
Popcorn's Mom,

One day at a time, just one step at a time...just let our grief take us where it does. Never apologize for the sorrow nor the love felt for your special boy - even if the tears fall when least expected.  You love your Popcorn and Jack with all your heart and there is no doubt you did what you believed was best - Guilt pushes us to have 20/20 hindsight vision and blame ourselves for every thing done and even those things not done...Your love for Popcorn is felt by him each and every day...Just talk to him...Take care of yourself and your daughter - the days are filled with ups, downs and the 'in-betweens'.  Many hugs.
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LuckyLouWho23

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Reply with quote  #68 
Thanks again C.
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LuckyLouWho23

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Reply with quote  #69 
It’s so hard at night when it’s just me awake. It used to be me and Popcorn who would hang out together. I can still hear him walking on the tile floor next to me. I miss the way he would sit on my feet. I miss the way he smells so sweet. The way I would say I love you Popcorn and he would open one eye look at me and open and close his mouth. I knew that he was saying I love you too. It’s so sad that I will never hear that again. I miss you so much Popcorn. I love you. You took a piece of my heart so you’d never have to be lonely.
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LuckyLouWho23

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Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #70 
I’m just not the same person since Popcorn was taken away from me. I argue a lot with my daughter now, my temper is short. I never used to be that way. I worry that it’s going to ruin our relationship. I’m obviously sad, she is too, but it doesn’t seem like it’s the same, as much as I am. I cry over the dumbest stuff. She tries to make me feel better, but it only makes me feel worse. I’m trying to not always be so sad, but it’s hard when you have someone who meant so much to you ripped away. I think about how people are so cruel to animals. How Ohio charges those people with a felony. I honestly think every single state should do this. I wish her dad would be charged with cruelty, but I don’t know if I could prove it. When he talks about Popcorn I get so angry! I think how dare you even say his name! Then I think what kind of person, human would do what he did to Popcorn. I know it’s stages of grief to be like this, but I go from sadness to anger every single day. It’s mostly sadness, because I get physically sick if I think about how Popcorn suffered at his hands. I just hope that our story will show others what not to do. I miss you so much Popcorn. I love you.
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LuckyLouWho23

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Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #71 
It’s so sad to think that you won’t be here for Thanksgiving. I’m sitting on the floor where you used to sleep and I am crying just thinking about you. I try not to be sad, but I can’t help it. I miss you so much Popcorn.
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LuckyLouWho23

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Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #72 
It’s Thanksgiving and you’re not here. I can hardly stand it. I cry all the time. I miss seeing you every single day. I love you Popcorn. Don’t doubt that I do, that I ever did. I miss you so much. I’m going to try my best to get through this day, but it won’t be easy.
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CKMP

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Posts: 1,127
Reply with quote  #73 
Popcorn's Mom,
Thinking of you, your daughter and Popcorn on this day.  Holidays are so difficult especially when they coincide as 'firsts without...'  Your special boy will hear your voice and wish for your tears to stop, but know they fall because of your love and care for him...He is your forever and always special boy.  As he and Jack today walk especially close to their Mom, they will be there for you...May your heart in the midst of its ache and sorrow, for even a moment, feel their presence and know Popcorn and Jack listen carefully and move with you - supporting you and strengthening you.  The bond is still there...and always will be...Take care - many hugs for you and your daughter...
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LuckyLouWho23

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Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #74 
Thanks C.
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LuckyLouWho23

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Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #75 
I dread the fact that December is coming soon. I could barely get through Thanksgiving. How am I ever going to get through Christmas. We both missed having you here for Thanksgiving Popcorn. It wasn’t the same without you. I’m trying not to be sad, but it’s so hard. You always made me happy. We love you Popcorn. We love you too Jack. We hope that you’re both happy wherever you are.
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