I lost my Sam on January 6, 2017....a little over a year ago today.

Just one thing lingers and tortures my soul.

I got Sam from a breeder at 6 weeks old. He was still eating soft food.  For the next 13 years I was his whole world.  As far as he was concerned, the sun rose and set upon me.

I am still in stunned awe at the unconditional love I received from him for all those years.

I could go into a restroom for a minute and one of my grandkids would be holding Sam.  He would greet me when I can out like he hadn't seen me in weeks.

He would move Heaven and Earth just to be near me. sam and river.jpg 

So on one dark day on January 5th 2017 Sam suffered a massive bleed out most likely due to a tumor on his spleen.  He couldn't get up.  He struggled and flopped around.  I got him settled on his softest dog bed covered in his blanket.  Every 1/2 hour or so he would raise his head and look around looking so disoriented - like where am I and what happened.  I would come close and tell him how much I loved him and he would go back to sleep.  I sat by him all night - the very least I could do.  I had called my son and asked him to come by before leaving for guard duty the next morning.  At about 5:30am in the morning my son helped me settle Sam into a cozy blanket in the back of my SUV.  I drove over to my Vet's with coffee in and hand waited for them to open.

They opened at 7:30 am and they loaded Sam on a stretcher and took him inside.  They gave him an IV for fluids and tried to make him comfortable.

He kept looking up but he didn't focus on me - he just looked up in panic and despair.

My grandkids and my daughter-in-law came by to say goodbye during the day.

I sat by him and told him how much I loved him.  I made the decision per the Vet's advise to end his suffering.

My painful and haunting question is, did Sam know it was me talking to him and loving him and holding him until his last breath?  I needed a sign that he knew I was his Mom.  I didn't really get it.  

Did he know it was me?  I mostly think he did but I am still haunted because he didn't give me a sign.  Either way, I still love him so much and I touch and give his urn a kiss every day.  I hope he knew I was there for him.

Sammy's Mom
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Hi Sammy's mom,
You had an amazing bond with your beautiful Sam. When an animal chooses us we know it. They know our facials expressions, mannerisms, smell, voice, everything.... You said that Sam would move heaven and earth to be with you so he knew you oh so well.. My thought is that he was definitely aware that you were there with him. He likely wasn't able to focus because he was so very ill, but having you right there, especially as he was made more comfortable and drifted off, would have meant everything to him. It meant that he was able to transition peacefully.
Grief is a strange thing. It makes us question everything - but rest assured your Sam knew he was loved and he knew you were there for him.
The picture you posted of Sam is beautiful! Such a handsome boy!! I am so sorry for your loss! 😔
Hugs, MJ
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Dear Sammys_Mom17, I'm so sorry for your loss. I would have to agree with MJ. Even if Sam was panicked and in pain, I think he knew he was with his loving mom. You're so right when you say they give us such unconditional love. I lost my little dog just recently and my world as I knew it, stopped. Your picture of Sam is very beautiful! :) Blessings,
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Hi Sammy's Mom, 
I read your story with tears in my eyes, and I must say that I have no doubt that your Sammy knew you were right there with him. When our sweet fur babies are sick and hurting, we may not think they are aware of their surroundings, but I can assure you they are. The bond between you and your beautiful Sammy is so amazing and so strong, that he would not have to see you with his eyes, he could feel you with his heart. I can just imagine him walking toward the light, hearing your soft voice, and feeling you gently holding him. They take a little bit of our hearts with them when they go, and we keep them tucked safely away in our hearts, until the wonderful day when we can look into their eyes once again, scoop them up in our arms, and never ever let them go again.

There is a post that I wrote on this forum which might help you a bit, if you feel up to reading a very sweet and surreal story. It was written by my beloved cat Jasper to me, all the way from rainbow bridge, about the night that I held him for the very last time. Although he was so sick and his eyes could not focus, he was aware of everything that was happening, especially of me and my deep love for him. It is called "Don't be Sad Mommy". I just know that your dear Sammy knew you were there, and he can feel your love for him even now, no time or distance could ever break that special bond. I know how much those last moments hurt, I used to replay our goodbye over and over again in my head, until one day I finally realized, it is not their last moments that they remember as they are walking toward that rainbow, it is all the moments before that, the time your eyes first met, bringing them home for the first time, their first walk in the green grass, the warm summer evenings spent outside together, the first time watching the snow fall together, and most important of all, the loving them. Your baby knew how much he was loved, and he knew you were right there with him until that very last goodbye, and he will always and forever be with you. Hold on to the light he brought into your world, hold on to the sweet memories, and hold on to the love, until you meet once more, never to be separated again.
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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