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kris2079

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Reply with quote  #1 
I'm new here, it's my first post, I found this site b/c of the poem.  I lost my beloved Cody (female) my almost 9 year old (her bday is tomorrow) yellow lab on Tuesday night, it was sudden and totally unexpected and I think I'm still in so much shock. 

I have a 10 month old and I work full time, on Tuesday I picked up my baby at my mom's who watches her and came home late as I stayed at my mom's to chat. When I got home my Cody who was perfectly fine and normal (I thought) that morning ate dinner and then lay by my feet while I fed my daughter in her high chair.  Normally she would be begging for food but she started to breathe heavy and when I put a piece of bread in front of her she turned her head which for a lab never happens!  I just thought she ate something bad, and stupid me didn't think much of it.  When my husband got home I played w/ my daughter a bit b/c I have mother's guilt for working full time and only get about an hour with her before she goes to bed.  Cody just continued to lay on the ground.  At that point I just felt like something wasn't right so I called the vet and they told me to come right down.  I got to the vet and normally my dog is a spaz and goes nutzo there, but she just layed in the middle of the reception area.  They made me wait 40 minutes, I just sat there and pet her but then even zoned out myself for a bit, I wish I had known what was going to happen b/c I would have been holding her or lying on the floor next to her.  Finally the vet came in and he seemed concerned and said she had fluid in her lungs, I thought oh no maybe it's pneumonia - next thing you know they wisk her in the back to do a chest xray.  He comes out and says "I don't know how to tell you this" he showed me the xrays and her lungs were filled w/ cancer.  Cancer!  I didn't even know she was sick - she had no signs - nothing!  Then like in a movie the tech comes running out and says "we need you" to the vet - he races back and seconds later comes back to tell me "we lost her".  I didn't even get to say goodbye to her, I wasn't even holding her when she died - she was probably scared and confused and wanted me and I wasn't there. 

I think she waited until I got home that night to die and wanted to die at home w/ us but stupid me brought her to the vet, and now my baby is gone!  I feel horrible b/c I feel that I made her last year of her life terrible b/c I had a baby and I became a totally stressed out, non patient, screaming person.  I constantly yelled at her to get out of the way b/c she was always next to me, or near my daughter and I didn't want her to scratch or step on her.  I just have had zero patience, and all my poor dog wanted was my attention - I hate myself right now so much!  I just wish that I could turn back time and if I knew she had months/weeks/days to live I would have done so many things differently.  I feel like I was such a bad mom to her this past year - she was my baby for 8 years and was used to getting ALL my attention.  I don't think I'll ever forgive myself or get over this, I'm a mess and have had to go on some sedatives to help me get thru the day b/c I can't even function and haven't been to work in days- please tell me this gets better.  I just want to see her one last time so that I can say goodbye.  I went thru some pretty horrible things in the past 5 years, and I survived them b/c of my Cody, she was the one that got me thru it and now when she needed me most - I wasn't there and I will never forgive myself for that. I just want her back just to say I'm sorry and that I loved her.....

sorry this is so long

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erica212

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Reply with quote  #2 
I too am fairly new to this site and I am sorry it has taken me so long to read your post.
I read it and can totally relate to what you are feeling. We to lost our beloved Thunder to a cancerous mass. We to had no idea he was sick until it was too late for us to do anything about it.
I also feel the guilt that rips at my heart everyday. Thunder was our baby before we had our son and sometimes I felt like Thunder got pushed to the side because of the baby. So I know the depth of your pain.
Take it one day at a time, that's all we can do
If you want to talk more to me about it, just send me a message. I will always lend an ear.
Erica
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tikibarb

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Reply with quote  #3 

They are our saviours.  These balls of fur who can't even speak our language.  But, you must know that the language they speak is the language of unconditional love.  One that is forgiving and loving and not begrudging or angry.  You had no way of knowing.  Many animals never show signs of illness until it is too late.  You are not alone.  Even though you may have pushed your beloved baby aside sometimes, you still loved her and she knows that.  We are only human.  We can only do so much.  You are not a super power.  You did what was reasonable and to be expected as a realatively new parent who had some hard times.  I hope you are feeling a bit better since a couple of weeks has passed since your post. I hope you find the peace you deserve.


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My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
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nat1172

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Reply with quote  #4 

I am so sorry for your loss, My dog Leo had the same thing happen to him, he had lung cancer , we found out on a Tues night and he passed away a week and a day later at home , it was so hard, It is so hard to loose our little ones and know that she will always love you

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bluemoonlove

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Reply with quote  #5 
They love us unconditionally, and that is the most amazing thing about them. I can honestly tell you no human in my life ever loved me like this cat that just passed away on Saturday at 12.5 years old, not even my mother. This cat was like my child. 
I found her in my garden, and she was on death's doorstep, only a few days old. I raised her, and she was never socialized around other cats. I misguidedly took in another kitten as a companion, but Earle was jealous and possessive. When the other cat Naomi was stressed, Earle would bully her. They had enough space to keep their distance. But I felt guilty that she thought I punished her by adopting another cat then scolded her for bullying her. Sometimes I would be impatient that she kept rubbing my legs for food, even though she never usually begged. When I would have coffee before work, she would get her fur all over my clothes and want to stay in my lap, even when I had to leave. I felt guilty for not spending more time with her, though we cuddled a lot. 
I just wanted to express that I can relate to what you're saying. That you worry whether you did enough for her says something about how unselfish your love for her was. That's important to bear in mind.

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jj

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Reply with quote  #6 

i have heard of many women, who after having a human child, became literally cruel to their animals overnight. yelling, even throwing their animals out of rooms because for some reason they thought that their precious and loving animals would "hurt" their human baby (?!!). a woman who did this to her cat, a cat who was this womans baby and closest companion in the world, became suddenly an inconvenience after this human baby was born and this woman screamed at her cat and threw her out of the bedroom where she once cuddled with the woman before this human baby came along. the cat became so frightened, hurt and traumatized she ran away and never returned. a neighbor found her and took her in and gave her the loving home and care she needed. this woman tried to bring the cat back home but when she approached the cat, she hissed at the woman and ran away from her.

the only compensation we can give is that we learn from our horrible mistakes and make sure to love, love, love our animals unconditionally, with great patience as they give us and do for us. we must learn from our errors and make sure to realize they live very short lives and will die much much sooner than we think and that way we never take them for granted.

There are genuine mistakes we make because we simply did not know and we did the best we could. Guilt in this case is very hurtful and must be dealt with. and then there are the actions we commit against another knowing it will harm them, either verbally, emotionally or physically. Guilt in this case is necessary and important. it is our concience telling us we committed a wrong against another. it puts us back on track.  we can turn this unbearably painful guilt into a positive learning, bitter indeed, but it can be turned around to help us become better people , and it reminds us constantly to love our animals, with great patience and shower them and generously give them all that they desire so that when they die, we can say yes i did everything in my power to give my animals the life they desired, they lived and died loved and fulfilled

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Mistysmama

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Reply with quote  #7 
Love is the sweetest thing we could ever know. My dog showed me that. She showed me amazing truths and beautiful things. I learned, with her, so very much. I believe she came to teach me. We must always give any Being, human or animal, who is under our care, the very best we possibly can. And fully honour what they brought to us.
There are always going to be some things we feel we could have done better for them. But the truth is, that once they know -for sure- we love them (by our everyday kindnesses and deeds) they can easily forgive a slight mistake or two. But in the case of that poor cat jj mentioned, that was just too serious, too much of a betrayal. Love had just gone. The cat knew that

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Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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LDB1014

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Reply with quote  #8 
The same thing happened to me, two months ago...
My amazing Chocolate Lab, Baxter was totally fine...then boom. I took him to the vet...cancer. A lot of it. I was able to take him home and have one last night with him.
Dogs dont show pain or discomfort because it is a sign of weakness...I still struggle to this day because I am sure I could have done something sooner...I WOULD have done anything! 
My Bax got me though a lot of life issues...I know I would not have made it though some of it without him. He was my rock, my best friend and my family. 
Your girl, knew you loved her. Loving you and your family was her priority. By having that void in your life, by having your heart break...she just that!

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lucyming

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Reply with quote  #9 
If you want to talk more to me about it, just send me a message.



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