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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #16 
Today has been worse than the day we put Lambeau down - 5 days ago. I am having regrets about not staying with him as they put him down. I have vivid flashbacks of the last time I saw his beautiful face and kissed his soft cheek.He was so full of cancer so it had to be. The chemo did nothing...the tumors just kept on growing, An awful disease al around. We were lucky to have such a kind and honest oncologist. My thoughts are so scattered Lambeau - I miss you so much. Nothing seems to make any sense. Cooper is lost without you.He gets his comfort from your dad because he was always your dad's dog. You were attached to me and I was attached to you. I don.t know how to break those bonds.I don't want to break them. I just want you back. Life is empty. I am going to bed now...it is still light but I just want to escape the reality that you are gone. Where are you? Can you let me Know? Do you know how much I hurt to have you back? I love you Lambeau. Sleep tight sweetheart. If you have the ability to visit me in my dreams I am waiting. Maybe it will help heal my broken heart.

Mom

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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #17 
Thanks for your responses Caite and Silvia. It helps to know others have gone through or are currently going through similar things. Not that I would wish it on anyone but to know that your thoughts and feelings are normal for what you are going through is a comfort. I miss my Lambeau so much. We got a call from the hospital/clinic today that Lambeau's cremains are in and can be picked up. I am going to a pet loss grief support group there tomorrow night so I will pick them up. I am not sure how I will handle it but I have to. We also got some sympathy cards which was hard to tolerate but made me feel good that people recognize the intensity of this type of loss. it also made it feel so real.

I am going to bed early again tonight. I have been crying so much it hurts. I want it to stop for a few hours.

I miss you Lambeau. Run free and play hard, chew on tasty bones, do whatever your beautiful spirit desires. And know that someday we will be reunited. I love you sweet boy.

Mom






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Karen 
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mick

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Reply with quote  #18 
Karen,
I picked up my Ziggy's ashes this morning. I had a strange sense of peace knowing I was bringing him home. I hated the way we parted and now I have him, in a way....hope you can feel that too with Lambeau. I have still been crying all morning, but I feel this is going to help me turn a corner in my grief. Thank you for the words of support. I am thinking of you.

Mick
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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #19 
Lambeau it has been 8 days since you have been gone. It seems so much longer...I miss you so badly. My days are filled with tears. I miss your deep brown eyes, kissing you on your soft cheeks, your feet that smelled like Fritos, the way you hopped down the stairs like a rabbit, your beautiful singing voice when I played the piano, how kind and loving you were to everyone that you met, watching you swim (your favorite thing besides food), your smile and so much more. I have lost other dogs but I don't remember the grief being so intense. Maybe it is something we forget so we can truly heal. Or maybe it is because you were such a special dog...my constant companion. Please, if there is any way, let me know that you are OK. Show me your beautiful face one more time in a dream. Please someone tell me that the ache gets softer. it has to so I can begin to function again.

Mom

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Karen 
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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #20 
Mick,
I had a sense of peace having Lambeau's ashes back home too. And his clay paw print. I am not ready to put these things out anywhere - I would never stop crying. They are tucked away in a safe place until I feel ready to bring them out. May you find some peace and you and Ziggy are in my thoughts.

Karen


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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #21 
Lambeau why are people trying to take my grief away and telling me to move on? I just lost you 11 days ago. You were my constant companion for 10 years. I loved you with every fiber of my being. 
How can someone "move on" after 11 days? My heart still aches to hug you and kiss you on your soft cheek. I would give anything to see you for just one more day. But I know that I would have to say goodbye again. You were so sick. I am happy that you are running free and experiencing the joy of not having cancer. But I miss you so much that I am having trouble functioning. Rick is out of town so I went out with Connie last night. Yes there were times that I laughed and moments that I wasn't thinking about you, but there was a constant ache in my heart. When will it go away? I am not doing a very good job of coping with it. People say "try harder". I am trying as hard as I can to function. I just want some hope that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love you my little Lambeau. Have fun running, playing and eating whatever you want.

Mom

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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #22 
Lambeau my sweet boy, I felt like I was going to totally lose control this afternoon I missed you so much. I haven't cried so hard with any other loss that I have had. You have been gone for 11 days and it seems like months. I would give anything to look into your big brown golden retriever eyes again. Every night I pray that you can come and visit me in my dreams but it hasn't happened. What I would give to have one more night of you sleeping next to me and to feel and hear your breathing. When will the pain ease? Maybe when I can learn to enjoy things again in your honor. I know that you would not want me to be in such pain. Whenever I was upset about something you were always there trying to crawl into my lap (an 88# lap dog) wanting to comfort me. Do you know how distressed I am now? Do you want to comfort me? I am having frequent flashbacks of you trying to follow Rick and I out the door after we had said goodbye. I wanted to grab you and run. But I knew that it was time. Your cancer was so widespread that it would start to hurt you soon and when we decided to try chemo we promised you no pain. That was a line we would not cross. I had to be true to my word Lambeau. I am so sorry that I had to leave you there and that I couldn't stay. I just couldn't. You had staff members that you knew from your weeks of treatment that held you as you crossed the rainbow bridge. They said that your passing was quick and peaceful. I feel so guilty that I didn't stay. How can I forgive myself? How can you forgive me? I just wasn't a strong enough person to stay. When I see you again someday, which I believe will be, I will stay with you and never leave. I promise. it is time for me to go to sleep for the night sweet boy. I am still sleeping well and look forward to the night so I can get away from the pain for awhile. Sleep tight and have joyful puppy dog dreams. Visit me if you can. I will always love you. 

Mom

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Karen 
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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #23 
KarenE, most people just don't understand the grief and are insensitive to it. The day my Bailey died someone told me that it is not good to cry over a dog, that you are just tempting fate to take a human life. Who says these things? Our babies are worthy of our grief, they are intertwined into our lives, we love them as we do our children. We must grieve. Like you, I long for the day I dream with my babies. I know I'll suffer after waking, but I just want to see them, feel them, know that they are ok. The heartache is ever present, it feels as if it will never end. It's just a weight on the chest that I've had for 6 weeks now and I don't remember what it feels like not having it. I'm lying in bed writing this, I get nervous when bedtime comes around, my mind doesn't stop. 
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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #24 
Marlen I am so sorry for your losses and the pain that you are experiencing. Your Memorials are beautiful. I know that the people who are telling me to move on don't really know what they are saying. They just want to see me feel better. They don't understand that I am not ready to move on. I just can't erase 10 years of Lambeau's love in 12 days. The love we feel for our angels who have passed has nowhere to go even if we have other dogs. I have another golden retriever, Cooper, whom I love dearly for who he is but he doesn't.t replace Lambeau. He is going through his own grief. He misses his buddy so much. I am trying to continue his routine as well as introduce new things into his life. I give him lots of extra hugs and reassurance. But I can tell by his extra sleeping and lower energy level that he is still grieving. I will keep you, Max, and Bailey in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen
(Lambeau"s mom)

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Karen 
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #25 
Hi Karen, 

I am so, so sorry for how much you are hurting. The early days and weeks are horrifically painful. I wish there was a way around that, but I sure don't know one. To say it's hard, is a great understatement. 

It's not fair for people to tell you to try harder and to move on, things like that. So unhelpful. You are right that they can't understand, if that is their way of thinking and maybe they never loved a precious pet and had the daily joy of their presence and affection. It's a whole world of loss. 

I'm grateful to have read quite a few articles this year where people say it can be harder, grieving a pet than a human loved one. I can say for sure, that has been the case for me. I tell myself often after a teary time that I won't ever have to cry those particular tears again. And whether true or not, I imagine that there are less tears remaining in me, for having cried so many out over Marissa.

Do be gentle with yourself, even if others aren't extending the same grace to you. It is real and legitimate suffering, this grief journey. I wish you new comfort for today, the realistic hope that in time you'll feel better, and some smiles along the way. Hugs to you!

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-Missing Marissa deeply
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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #26 
Hi Caite,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish comfort to you as well. I know what you mean about the tears. There are days when I feel that I should be dehydrated I have cried so many tears. This brings me to a question for anyone. What do you do when you grieve so differently than your spouse? He unfortunately, is one of the people who thinks that I shouldn't be crying anymore. He is not one to cry (he did cry a little for 2 or 3 days) and I am very emotional. I can tell he gets upset when I cry now so I go off and hide somewhere to shed my tears. I would so like for us to be able to comfort each other. I think it would be a big help to both of us. It is even hard to talk to him about it.

I love you little Lambeau.

Mom

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Karen 
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MAlcindor

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Reply with quote  #27 
The crying question, I haven't stopped crying for 5 weeks straight now. My husband got teary eyed when Max died, but not when Bailey passed. My son cried for both, just when we were saying goodbye though. I think that we as mother's feel it more? In my case I was the one who fed, bathed, walked, played with, and did pretty much everything with them. That's why I cry, my life feels so empty without them. They always greeted me at the door whenever I got home, I dread coming home now, no one to greet me with wet kisses and wiggly butts. That's why I cry, I have lost so much. It may be that we are the most attached? My husbands feels I need to stop crying too, but I can't. I try to hide but my eyes are always wet and my face red. I don't think any one has the right to deny our grief, it cannot be taken away.
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          Marlen
(Max & Bailey's mommy)

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MAX42339/Resident.htm
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BAILE490/Resident.htm

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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #28 
Marlen,
I am so sorry for the deep pain and sense of loss you are experiencing. I agree that we as mom's might feel the loss more. My situation was the same with Lambeau. The medications, feeding, making sure Lambeau was comfortable was my responsibility. I was always thinking about what he needed. What med came next. Even finally bringing up the topic that we had done all that we could and that it was time was brought up by me. In all honesty, I had a daughter who lived for 6 months. She was born with a serious heart defect and died after surgery. Caring for her brought up many of the same feelings that I felt with Lambeau. The sense of emptiness that you mention was present after Lauren died and is now present with Lambeau. it is an ugly deep hole that I feel in my chest. We still have one golden retriever to greet us at the door. But it is different for me because Cooper is really attached to Rick and Lambeau and I were constant companions. He loved to sit near my feet and sing when I played the piano. He sounded just like a ghost...silly boy. My eyes are pretty much swollen and red all of the time and Rick doesn't have alot of patience anymore. Everyone's grief is different and needs to be respected. It needs to be lived through and not taken away from someone. I hope that you have a restful night Marlen. We need breaks when we are grieving. it is hard work.

Good night Lambeau. May you have happy dreams and rest comfortably with no more cancer. You are free sweetheart. Feel free to visit me in my dreams.

Mom

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Karen 
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PeppermintPatty

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Reply with quote  #29 
I found that I had to entirely shut down talking about my grief to my friends or acquaintances who didn't understand, and came here instead. Everyone in her gets it. Without this forum, I probably would have thought I was out of my mind. And I was. But that's okay. I don't care what anyone else says. It's normal to grieve the loss of a pet. And, yes, it is sometimes feels harder than losing a human.

Go easy on yourself during your grieving process. Of course there is a huge hole in your heart and void in your day-to-day existence. To this day, the tears can instantaneously flow if I think about my losses. My goal is to change those tears of sorrow into tears of joy for having a little slice of heaven with me here on earth. The time they spend with us is way too short. 

Take care.
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KarenE

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Reply with quote  #30 
Peppermint Patty,
I am sorry for your loss. It is sad that we have to hide our grief from family and friends. Sharing and being able to cry about our loss is the one thing that helps us get through it. This forum is a special place because you can let all of your feelings out without being judged. May you find some peace and joy in your day today.

I love you and miss you Lambeau. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow and it feels like an eternity.

Lambeau's mom

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Karen 
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